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There was a faint knock on the door and a hushed voice, low and groggy from the early morning.
“Hardy? You in there?”
Hardy closed his eyes, adverting them from the broken figure that faced him in the mirror. In a hurry, he turned on the tap, washing his face with icy water as he attempted to take in calm and collected breaths to clear his mind.
It wasn’t working.
Another knock. “Hardy?”
Miller. Always so persistent.
“Be out in a moment,” he called out, hesitating. He scolded himself; for what reason, he was unsure. But despite all the thoughts rushing through his mind, he was fully aware, if not overly self-conscious, for he had woken up his colleague at ungodly hours because he was in the bathroom, cowering like a little boy scared of the thunder roaring outside.
He prayed that he’d hear her settle back into bed, but instead he heard silence from the other side of the door. Fear washed over him as he realized she was still there, not even three feet from where he was standing. The only barrier between him and her was a door with old hinges that could snap if it was pushed the wrong way.
Shit. He didn’t think he could bear to look her in the eyes. Not in this state. If he did, he’d break down. And if he broke down in the moment, he didn’t think he’d have the strength to compose himself again.
“Are you well? ” she asked.
Empathy or pity?
Perhaps he was just hallucinating. Maybe this was some dream his mind created just to torment him. He hoped that was true. All he needed to do was wake up.
“Be out in a moment,” he repeated, voice stern. He didn’t intend to sound so harsh, but his inability to catch his breath only pushed the words out in an angry bundle, all at once. He grimaced.
“I didn’t mean-” he tried clarifying, but he couldn’t seem to put the words together. Focus. Focus. Focus. He tried to steady his voice, focusing on the inflections of his words. “Be out in a moment.”
This time a beat of silence passed before she said, “Right, of course, sir.”
There was rustling from the other side of the door, and in that second, he felt both relief and dread hit him at once. It felt as though every sound was screaming at him and every odour was flooding his lungs. Yet, he was not in his body. He was only watching from an outsider’s perspective, watching his weak mind break and his body break further. His arms shook as he pushed his body weight onto the sink.
His chest felt as though it was tightening, and a wave of weariness rushed through his body, leaving him light-headed. Instinct lead him to pat himself down in search of the sharp edge of a pill container, but alas, he must have left them in his coat. Fuck.
His heart beat. And then it didn’t.
The silence that rung in his ears was painful.
His body felt as though every organ was compressed and every muscle stretched, the weight of two bodies pushing him down.
He sputtered, then winced, remembering Miller was just outside. He couldn’t focus his eyes. He felt… light-headed.
At some point in time, he had slid to the cold tile floor, weight against the cabinet.
He looked back up into the mirror, perhaps hoping to see a different man looking back at him.
He was disappointed to find it was only himself staring back.
Between the ringing in his ears and the haze passing over his eyes, he was surprised to have caught Miller’s voice.
“Sir?”
It sounded frantic.
Automatically, he opened his mouth to say “fine," weakly waving his hands in some motion of dismissal.
But the haze cleared for a second. He eyed… somewhere past the figure that stood before him, back to the room.
“Pills… in the thing…”
Another beat passed.
His jacket in hand, he dug around until he traced his fingers around a small case. He took two capsules and swallowed them, still sitting on the ground. He held his head in his hand, waiting for the headache to ease up and for his breathing to calm.
He heard a clatter come from outside the bathroom and then the sound of the tap running. With another passing beat, a smooth cup, half full of water, was shoved into his free hand.
Taking his head out of the darkness, he took another deep breath in and stared into the water handed to him. In the faint reflection, he could see the same man that faced him in the mirror. Broken. Broken beyond repair.
What stared back at him was a man that only knew failure. He failed his family. He failed the Gillespies. He failed the Latimers.
And then he looked up.
He failed his only friend.
Defeated, he looked away. His steadied breathing once again became disjointed. He could only see Daisy, crying in her room as he promised to call her while he was away. He could only see Pippa, her eyes glazed over and mouth agape as water seeped from her. He could only see Cate crying as she realized she’d never see her daughter again as her husband held her close. He could only see Danny, faced down on the beach as the tide slowly crept in, threatening to take his body out to sea. He could only see Beth calling out for Danny, pushing past anyone who would dare separate her from her son.
And he realized, after all that pain and all those promises to bring closure, he had only made things worse.
“Hey.”
He refused to look at her.
“Har-” she stuttered. “ Alec.”
He pressed his lips together and shook his head.
“Can I sit here?” She asked, softly.
For a brief moment, his arm brushed against hers as she took a seat by him, sending warm, electric sensations through his body.
He turned.
He opened his mouth, and then closed it, unsure of what to say.
He nearly flinched when he felt her brush against his arm again. But this time the warm feeling stayed. He realized she had one hand around his arm, and the other carefully supporting his hand. She gently squeezed and tilted her head.
Fuck.
“I…” he hesitated. Then he looked her in the eyes. Weepy eyes meeting a soft, and warm expression. His voice cracked as he spoke. “I’m sorry.”
But, rather than refusing the apology, her own eyes welled up with tears, and then she pulled him into a warm embrace. She didn’t even take time to process his words.
And, perhaps that was what tipped him over the edge. Her kindness. Her selflessness. How could someone just as broken as him still have so much love and affection to show after so much of that had been ripped out of her own life?
He let his emotions get the best of him. Without restraint, he allowed himself to cry. Perhaps later in the day they would talk about this. But, for now, the hug would do.