Work Text:
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Here's the thing, I can't do anything right
Try as I absolutely, totally might
The bones are melting, the skeleton is ash
The clavicle detaches and falls with a deafening crash
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It was a not very fun position to be at, he decided. Standing in front of friends at three in the morning, finally snapping his final straw like a flimsy piece of spaghetti. Tango, really hadn’t expected an audience as he declared his self hatred but in the end did he care? No. He was a screw up to them anyways.
His mind flashed back to toon towers, a fake reality he carved out for the sake of masking any and all upset with—…everything. He needed to be fine, needed to be the strong one when his friend group consisted of one purposefully self isolated, an unstable therapist friend, and an anxiety fueled wreck.
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And I'm not your protagonist
I'm not even my own
I don't know anything
I don't even know what I don't know
And if you look outside you'll see
Disintegrating trees
The artificial way the sunlight bounces
Off the waxy leaves
My heart catches on every thorn
You're already halfway out the door
And I've never looked so old
And I have never been so cold
And it is 85 degrees
I don't know what I need
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Everyone's problems were drowning tango out faster than he could help. He was just watching his body going through the movements as he scrambled to pick up pieces like falling lego bricks from an unstable tower. He saw himself get thin and worry lines etching into his face. He felt cold then hot like he had a fever but it was just emotion.
He was still causing quite the commotion from his perch on that dang ufo. If only he hadn’t opened his big stupid mouth. The only thing that ever comes out of it was garbly, unjustified cries, off pitched screams, and a whole fountain of false confidence. He was still tango after all. But this time he was tango sitting on the edge. Maybe that's why they listened…?
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There's lukewarm herbal mango sweet hibiscus tea
On the hot garbage pile in which I fucking sleep
The walls are empty it's so ugly I could
Burn the whole place down
It wouldn't catch 'cause all the posters
Are on their way to my hometown
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Resentment bubbled as his thoughts spiralled to decked out. His rise to server wide fame and even recognition outside like from skip. But it was all in exchange for his mental health,even physical. He passed out there all the time. He didn't eat or sleep enough. His hands didn't even look like his, rough with work that caused blisters and scars and burns to stain him. His success stained his life more like. He couldn’t take a step away from the server without demands of tek topia. His name was in lights!.. and he felt like a deer in one.
Surprisingly, it was grian that grabbed his arm and lulled him off the dangling drop. He was slowly forced to look at the worried hermits. They wanted answers besides cryptic words of sweet hibiscus tea. And could he blame them? He’d question if someone like him were to fly off the handles too. He sat there, letting confrontation singe into the air.
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And I am not your protagonist
I'm not even my own
I don't know anything
I don't even know what I don't know
And if you look outside you'll see
Disintegrating trees
The artificial way the sunlight bounces
Off the glitching leaves
My wet heart catches on every thorn
You're already halfway out the door
And I'm so tiny and so old
And God it's never been so cold
And it is 85 degrees
I don't know what I need
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Tangos mind didn’t snap too much besides dying in space. He tried using that to deflect but it wasn't working. Because, although he didn't want to admit it, he **was** sobbing into someone's shoulder at four in the morning. And he was being stopped from dropping to his death. They saved him from- himself.
Tango still wasn't sure he was much in this world. He died by himself and nobody flinched when he was back. Sometimes the rustle of leaves looks like its code on the fritz, a reminder that nothing could be real. He felt so small knowing that he was only a piece of dust. Why did he have to be the one left? God he hated himself
But what could make it go away!?
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A week had passed since tangos attempted suicide. Besides the people around at the time and xisuma, nobody knew. Nobody knew….yet.
The six of them had taken shifts taking care of tango, making sure he ate and slept as well as keeping him from hurting himself. He never put up much of a fight in that regard. It's not like- he fully wanted to be dead. He wanted to be alive; he just didn't have the means or the motive. So he chose the second best thing: suicide.
The word stung the tip of his tongue whenever he muttered it under his breath, like when you make a slightly inappropriate joke at thanksgiving. He knew it was bad, with God as his witness he did but he didn't care.
They did though. For reasons he didn't know they looked after him. They showed love. And he could feel their heartbeat behind the words this one time.
That's what stopped him from sliding when impulse had initially landed on the ufo, seeing him start to fly.
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“Than-k y you all for attending today's meeting! J-joe? Do you wanna get us started on rocall?” Xisuma had stutterd out at about 12 pm.
He was nervous. Tango's resting face twitched with distant worry. Joe nodded to xisuma and began shuffling through names.
“-pulse?- good, tango?”
“Here” tango replied hollowly.
This felt normal at least. Normality was what tango had always been dreaming of.
He felt a few pairs of eyes latch on to him. He could name who they were easily. Impulse,grian,gem,xb,xisuma, and iskall. Because they tag teamed pulling him away from the edge and keeping sharp objects away from him.good you, tango his thoughts mused. You screwed up royally and now nobody can trust you.
By the time tango had finished his monologue roll call was over and everyone was chatting away. Tango was silent till bdubs started talking to him.
“Oh yeah!so- scar was to nervous to pressure you about it but henwants to know if your going to run the raid project soon.”
“Hm? Oh yeah totally. Tomorrow probably” he muttered, fiddling with a pen. He cracked open the plastic with the force of his thumb.
It was sharp. He figured if he ran it against his skin it'd have about the same effect as flicking himself with rubber bands on the arm.
Tango knew what he was thinking was wrong. But it felt so right! He let his eyes slink to xisuma, shocked to find him staring right back. From the peaking skin in his visor tango could make out worry lines.
He needed to make sure xisuma wouldn't stress himself out, it was the best thing to do after all. Slowly tango sat up from his chair and with pencil and some spare rubber bands in tow went to xisuma.
“Hi tango.”
“Hey x, I was wondering if you could do me a favour?”
“Sure, hit me with it.” Xisuma said as politely as ever.
Tango handed the rubber bands and broken pen to xisuma. He looked confused so tango elaborated.
“You guys already took anything really dangerous from my home but i tought you should take these too. If I lash out at myself I can do a lot with a fragmented pen and some rubber bands. I figured you deserved to have these then.”
Xisuma blinked.
“Why? Don't you want to keep these things? I mean we don't of course but…why are you doing this now?”
“I never wanted to fully hurt x. I want to live its just- its difficult. It's selfish but i'm tired and upset all the time. Working, not sleeping, not eating, being social, doing favours,making games,- you get tired after a while. I'm tired of being in this state of false living. If this is what i'm going to have to perpetually feel like- and if i knew that nothing was going to get better as a kid i wouldn’t be in this room.i- i love all of you. Tompieces and I never want to leave your side when you need it but there are days I feel so fed up I want to leave everyone behind. Why do you think I was living with team zit before you met us? I was running away.”
Xisuma sat up and grabbed him into a longing hug. The table grew silent.
“Do you need to go outside?”
“Please.”
Xisuma took tango outside Keralis's house. He could feel leering eyes staring through windows. X grabbed his hand and tango instinctively pulled a bit back. He held his free arm to his chest and turned a little away from x.
“Tango- I'm so sorry. I can’t imagine how you must have felt the past few years.I'm sorry.”
“It's okay. I'm not going anywhere yet. Im sorry-“
“Enough apologising! It's not your fault we made you feel horrible for years!”
“……………your right.”
Tango shocked himself when the words poured out. He furrowed his brow.
“I'm still mad at myself and others over this. But we gotta at least try and trust each other, so let's take it at face value. We all screwed up a little. I feel tired and upset and honestly like hurting myself again but at least we know it right?”
Xisuma pulled him tighter.
“We love you too tango. Please don't leave us.”
“I- i’ll try.for you guys.”
“Tell me to my face that you're worth something.”
Tango held his breath and looked down.
“At least tell me you're not going to do anything dangerous today?”
“I'm not going to do anything dangerous today,.” He spat out.
“Good. Let's get back to the meeting?”
“Sure…thanks for this x.”
“It's my pleasure, honestly it is.”