Work Text:
"Do you want tattoos someday?"
The question causes Kaoru to pause, the tip of his ink pen wresting against his wrist. Kojiro sits across from him, watching Kaoru intently as he doodles on his arms, his hands, anywhere bare skin is visible, really. Schoolwork sits between the two of them as if it had any chance of being done. It isn't that they are particularly rowdy. It's more so that it's just nice to sit with each other and enjoy each other's company without the stress of the outside world between them. To doodle and chat and relax, especially now that the future was right at their fingertips.
Though, Kaoru would never admit that.
"Why do you ask?" Kaoru says, removing his gaze from Kojiro and continuing his doodling.
Kojiro's hand sweeps across the table, a motion Kaoru only catches in his peripheral, motioning towards Kaoru's arm. "You're always drawing on yourself. Figured you might like how it looks and want to get inked up someday."
It would be a lie for Kaoru to say he's never thought about getting tattoos. Some of the people he skates with have tattoos, and he's always thought they looked cool. But he doesn't draw on himself because he wants tattoos. He knows why he does it, but he doesn't know if it's something he should share. If it's something too vulnerable, or something that would push Kojiro away from him.
He raises his eyes to look at Kojiro. His skin is illuminated from the setting sun peeking through the window next to them. His eyes are bright and curious, waiting for Kaoru's answer, that soft smile that's ever-present resting on his lips. And Kaoru...Kaoru doesn't know how he got so lucky, to meet someone as good and as pure as Kojiro. And not only to meet him, but to befriend him, to have Kojiro in his life. He doesn't know what he did, but he would do it a thousand times over if it meant Kojiro would stay by his side forever.
And because of that, because of those feelings of safety, because of that genuine, gentle smile, Kaoru talks.
"I used to hurt myself," Kaoru says, voice strained against the honesty. He can feel the burn of Kojiro's eyes gaze against his head, and although he can't totally ignore it, he can refuse to acknowledge it. Doodling. It's the only thing he can do right now. "Things were rough and I...Sometimes, I still get the urge. And drawing on myself kind of dims that need. And it covers up my scars, so that's why I do it."
The silence in the room is unbearable. Against his will, Kaoru feels himself pressing the tip of the pen harder against his skin, his cheeks heating up. Honesty was difficult for someone like Kaoru, and he'd just spilled it all to Kojiro without a second thought. Kojiro was his friend, his best friend, maybe even his only friend, and maybe something more. But that didn't mean Kojiro could handle something like this. It didn't mean that Kojiro needed to know everything about him.
"To answer your question," Kaoru starts, unable to bear the silence any longer. "I might someday, but not for a while. I don't know if I could handle something so permanent."
The silence continues, and Kaoru is embarrassed to admit that tears burn in the back of his throat. He doesn't want to lose Kojiro, not because of something like this. He doesn't know what he was thinking, and he wishes so deeply that he could go back in time five minutes and take back this little bit of honesty he shared.
Honesty was the best policy, but only sometimes. Sometimes, honesty ruined everything.
It feels like an eternity that they sit there in silence, Kaoru drawing with far too much roughness on his arm, Kojiro sitting there, silent. In his mind, he tries to find ways to apologize, but nothing really comes to him. Nothing that can take back the enormity of the fuck-up he just committed. Nothing sounds good enough in his head, and he's about to settle for second best when Kojiro moves.
Warm fingertips brush against Kaoru's, and he pauses, looking up at Kojiro. A faint blush is spread across his face, and his eyes are shiny with tears. Instinct has Kaoru wanting to reach out and wipe away the tears as they fall, but he holds himself back. "If..." Kojiro starts, then swallows heavily. "If you ever feel like you want to hurt yourself, and the drawing thing doesn't help, you can come to me. I...I would want you to come to me. And I'm sorry. That you ever felt like you should be hurt. That you felt like you should do that to yourself. You don't deserve to be in pain. You're a wonderful person, Kaoru, and I-" The faint blush on his cheeks explodes into a ray of pink, and his eyes fall shut, bashful. "Um...yeah."
It's enough to make Kaoru cry, but he doesn't. Instead, he clears his throat and nods, unable to get the words out to express just how thankful he is for Kojiro. He can't tell him, so he squeezes Kojiro's fingertips and hopes the action is enough to convey everything he feels in this moment. The gratitude, the joy, the love.
It's not, and Kaoru knows it never will be, but that doesn't mean he can't try.
He keeps doodling, loosening his grip on the pen, making lighter strokes instead of digging the tip into his skin. He likes what he's come up with-a large circle with a sun-esque shape, rays falling from the circumference of the circle. And this, drawing and sitting with Kojiro, it's just like it's always been, except for one small thing: Kojiro never lets go of his hand.
He hates to admit it, but he would be lying if he said he didn't like it.