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When Stede Bonnet is born, his father rejoices - a son he could entrust his legacy with! There's electricity in the air as his father picks him up and spins him around while his mother cries for his father to be careful with the boy. His father laughs, his joy bright as lightning on a dark, rainy night and the glowing stars Stede grows up hearing all about.
His first word is said on the beach next to the sea. The sound of the waves hitting the shore scares the small boy, who, instead of crying for his mother, utters out a singular, barely comprehensible word - "Dad!". He does not remember this, but his father tells him and anyone else who will listen the story of Stede's first words over and over again.
As Stede grows slowly, his father is patient with him. He teaches him the ways of the noble, from the right order of the cutlery to the correct ways to introducing himself to both people of higher and lower worth than him. He learns rather quickly his place in the world; he is meant to be the pride of his household, the pride of his parents, the pride of his father, who loves him so.
His days are spent inside, in the beautiful, freshly painted kitchen full of beautiful dishes, in the large living room decorated with fine art, a dozen portraits of men he does not recognize on the walls, the couch a vibrant velvet green and in his bedroom, which lacked in decoration. He had a stuffed toy his mother had made him for his fourth birthday that he loves dearly, but that his father finds rather ridiculous.
It is not entirely unexpected when his father's patience starts wearing thin, the mask he wears around the relatives and family friends of the Bonnets as he brags about his remarkable son slipping off more and more often. Stede, though intelligent, has never quite understood the customs of the noble, not quite processing the reasoning behind them. But he knows he must try, knows he must try to make his father proud.
As his interest in reading and storytelling begins to develop after he is taught to read, his interest in his real life begins to fade. The stories he reads are spectacular; the heroes and the villains alike rejoice in their successes and mourn their failures, but each one of them is doing something they feel they are meant to be doing. It is something Stede lacks, he thinks, as he escapes into new stories made up somewhere deep in his mind to avoid the voice of his father, booming like thunder, right outside of his room. His mother cries, and she cries, and she begs her husband to be patient once again. Teardrops hit the stained wood floors of the Bonnet mansion in a speed that resembles rain, Stede thinks, but the sound of the water does not comfort him like it usually does. Instead, his mind wanders to the feeling of drowning in a sea of his mother's teardrops and briefly, he wonders if that would be so bad.
The thought does not scare him as much as it should.
His mother tells him stories of talking animals and their quirky companions, who go through tragedies because of the selfishness of people. She reads the same stories to him again and again until he knows them word by word, silently reciting them as his mother's comforting voice lulls him to sleep ever so gently. When he sleeps, his dreams are not so gentle - he dreams of his father and him, standing next to an animal on the brink of death as his father tells him he needs to be the one to take its life and end its suffering; the same suffering his father has caused. He imagines his neck under the blade, he thinks of the animals from the stories he's grown fond of and he feels sick. His father's voice, laced with venom, fades as cold sweat drips down his forehead and he wakes up with hands that should be trembling the way his heart is, but his body feels stable, too stable for his mind.
Much like his father, the other children his age think of him as rather strange. They loudly express their distaste for his need to keep himself clean and groomed and for his voice that barely ever rose above a whisper, not to mention his lack of physical strength. They find flaws in the oddest of things, from the way he walks to the way he is devoted to his studies and they echo the ill-meaning laughter his father directs at him on a daily basis, and Stede thinks this might be it.
This might be all he has ever been, all he is and all he will ever be - once the joy of his father, now the laughing stock of the world, the burden of his mother, who looks at him with glassy eyes.
Her eyes are dark, as if there's a storm brewing behind them, and when he one morning finds her bed neatly made, her ring on the bedside table, he is not surprised. What he is surprised about, however, is the weeping of his father. It feels like lightning through his entire body and he feels paralyzed, heartbeat ringing in his ears as his father rises from the bed and turns to him and much to his shock, walks past him without a word.
And ever since, Stede Bonnet has not existed to his father unless it was convenient for him to exist. Which was not often, and if Stede was any braver, had any more spine to stand up for himself, if he thought of himself as deserving any more, he would follow in his mother's footsteps and set his course for something, anything new. But he isn't any braver, he doesn't stand up for himself and doesn't think of himself as deserving any more than what he's got, and so he stays, wandering the halls of the house, isolating himself from the world. He daydreams of the pirates he's read about, the vastness of the sea and the infinite possibilities and when he's brought out of those daydreams, he is fully grown. His body feels too large for him and it takes up too much space for what he feels comfortable with. But there is nothing he can do, he has aged, and he will continue to do so, no matter how young he feels, no matter how much he feels like he hasn't been present in his own life for years.
His father acknowledges him once more when he's married off to a woman named Mary. At first, he feels giddy, excitement bubbling up inside of him, but it falls flat soon as he realizes he will not be experiencing the fairytale love described in his stories. Their marriage feels strange, each touch forced and foreign, as if there was something that isn't quite right, but because Stede does not know what it is, he pushes it aside.
Mary, too, looks at him with the same eyes the rest of the world does. It isn't until he looks at his children, small and helpless and screaming for their mother, that he realizes he is looking at Mary with those very same eyes. His father's eyes. His lungs fill up with saltwater and he has to hold himself back so he doesn't gag, doesn't let his ugly insides be seen by the outside world. Instead, he swallows it down and crouches down to pick up one of his children and swears that his children will never know the feeling of being abandoned by the entire world.
He plays with them, tells them stories and bathes them, he does everything he can to be the best he can, and yet it isn't enough. Not for his children, who still cry for their mother and not for his wife, who tells him over and over again that he is too old to be playing pretend with himself anymore, that he needs to pick himself up and daydream no longer, because this is all his life has ever been, all it is, and all it will ever be.
It is years too late when Stede dreams of his mother again, saying her goodbyes he never got to hear in the real world. He wakes up with wet eyes and fingers tangled into the sheets, his wife sleeping peacefully next to him. He looks at the model of a pirate ship he got done for himself when he was still daydreaming of a life so very different than his own and he thinks of his mother, and in that instant, he forgives her. He forgives her for leaving, and stops resenting his father, because, he realizes, if this is all life is, he isn't too fond of it either.
And there is nothing, or no one, stopping him from putting on his clothes, taking his wealth and leaving this life behind, except for the ever-growing guilt in his stomach; he is doing the same to his children as his parents did to him. But then he glances at the model ship again and the stories must have some truth to them, he thinks, and he rises from the bed and does just that. He whispers his goodbyes in the dark of the night and pushes down any doubts he has and as soon as he steps out of the house, out of his old life, he feels relief.
All of his terrible feelings he has ignored for so long pour out of him at once and he screams, he cries and he sobs as he walks, each step setting the world behind him aflame while his tears put out the flames in front of him. He feels both free, and trapped, and he is terrified, but when he gets to the ship he had built for him something new sparks inside of him.
Gathering a crew isn't easy, by any means. He is still not very liked, and they also seem to look at him with ridicule in their eyes, but he does it anyway, he offers to pay them and he puts together a small crew of people who follow him, and for the first time in his life, he doesn't mind the whispers he pretends not to hear or the laughter directed at him. They set sail a couple of days later and establish a routine of small missions, their earnings not much, but it is braver than anything Stede has ever done and he feels childishly giddy each time he succeeds (with the help of his amazing crew, of course).
His crew, in Stede's eyes, is rather strange. The style in which they speak and interact with each other is foreign to him and when he first catches two of his men in an intimate moment he feels like his world comes crumbling down. It awakens something in him, something he has never dared to acknowledge and that night he dreams of himself, his children, and a faceless man he does no know. He awakens with the dream still vivid in his mind and as he observes his crew, he begins to notice things in them he has refused to notice in himself.
They do not think of him as a great captain, and Stede knows this, but they still follow him. They appreciate the stories he tells, the comedic relief he brings and though they have a craving for more action and a need to prove themselves, they slowly start talking to Stede like how they talk to each other - with a little less judgement, a little less condescending than earlier.
His entire world turns upside down when he meets a man named Edward after days, maybe even weeks of constant chaos. They've been through more in a few days than they have in their entire lives and Stede feels dizzy. He feels nauseous because of the guilt inside him, even though he technically did nothing wrong and he feels proud, because even months ago he would've never done any of it. He feels relief, at the death of someone who represented his childhood and he feels terrible for even thinking such things but he feels relieved, he feels good, and God knows he's going to let himself have this one, even if he shouldn't.
Edward looks at him with curiosity in his eyes instead of disappointment, and when he laughs, he laughs with him, not at him. He goes along with his pointless rants and dramatic stories and charades and he talks to him like other people talk to each other, as if there was nothing wrong with him. Even though he is still himself, still Stede Bonnet, the man does not care. He doesn't have to pretend to be something he isn't in order to make up for the fact that it is him Edward is talking to. There's something in the way his eyes linger on him for a little bit too long and he feels a little bit too daring with him, the way he's never felt with anyone else.
Edward - or rather, Ed - throws him for a loop again when he tells Stede he is the legendary Blackbeard he's only ever heard stories about. In them, Blackbeard is cruel, and filled with rage and he cuts down anyone who dares to say anything against him, but the Blackbeard Stede sees is different. Ed is a man who appreciates the people around him, even if he can't show it; his right-hand-man Izzy is proof of that. Izzy does not get along with Stede, or with anyone else for that matter, but he is loyal to Ed and Ed tells him of all the times Izzy has pushed him back from the edge, reminding him of who he is and what he needs to do to keep going.
Their relationship seems to begin to have more cracks in it day by day and Stede fears he is once again ruining something without meaning to and he confesses this to Ed in a blind panic, to which Ed only responds with a laugh. He assures him Izzy and him will be fine and Stede wants to believe him, so for once, he lets himself believe.
Sailing with the legendary Blackbeard turns out to be quite the adventure. They keep exchanging stories and coming up with the wildest plans and though they are just as good in getting out of trouble as getting into it, there are a few close calls. Stede and Ed often spend those nights passing bottles back and forth and lying just a little bit too close to each other and Stede feels like his heart is about to burst, like it's about to force its way out of his ribcage. A part of him wants Ed to be the one to do so, for him to rip his ribcage open and devour whats truly his and the feeling is foreign to him; no touch has ever sent chills down his spine before. But when Ed touches him, it feels right, and it scares him. They tell each other stories of their childhoods and they find they're eerily similar, always wanting something more out of life even though they seemed to always have what everyone wanted the most: wealth and (sometimes) respect. Stede teaches Ed the ways of the noble and when it goes wrong he laughs, but not because he thinks of Ed as any less but because Ed reminds him of himself as a child and as Ed teaches Stede how to get the respect of his crew, Stede fails, as he often does, but the anger and abandonment he waits for never comes. Not even when he stabs him (which is weird, Stede thinks, but with Ed everything is weird so nothing is weird) or when Calico Jack, Ed's old friend, boards the ship and throws everything off, making Stede question how well he knows Ed and if there's a place for him at all. In the end, Ed still returns to Stede.
When Ed confesses to taking the life of his father with tears in his eyes and something very vulnerable on his face, something protective awakens in Stede and when Ed admits he was supposed to take the life of Stede, too, he feels stunned. He makes a lighthearted joke about plans changing and promises to be Ed's friend (which doesn't feel quite right, but what else could he be), which Ed, much to Stede's surprise, accepts gladly. Ed's long beard feels scratchy on Stede's skin when he embraces him and he's pretty sure his usually well-styled hair is a mess because of the way Ed brushes his fingers through it when they depart but he doesn't really care, because it's Ed, and he has never had to be anything more than he is with Ed.
Ed begins to open up to Stede and he does the same in return. Stede admits he is jealous of how Ed stood up to his father and how he wishes he could've also done that and though he half-expects Ed to be horrified by this, he just receives a laugh and a half-hearted, slightly slurred "Maybe we can do that someday", and he feels content and comfortable. He looks over at Ed, sitting on the bed with a bottle in hand and he thinks of the nights spent with Mary attempting to enjoy the kinds of touches married couples are meant to enjoy with each other and it makes Stede feel cold to his core when the memory turns into a fantasy about his first and only friend. He feels like he's underwater, just about to breathe in a lungful of the saltwater, until Lucius knocks on the door and returns his pen and book and he's left staring at the door with nothing in his mind. Ed seems to have laid down and fallen asleep quite a while earlier and his entire body feels electric, his skin prickling, and it doesn't let go when he lies down and stares at the ceiling for hours before he manages to fall asleep.
Good days can't last forever and Stede of all people should know this, having experienced his fair share of misfortune before. It feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest, however, as his ship is in chaos and dozens of faceless people board it and take away the only good thing Stede has had in his life because he took the life of a man he had no right to take the life of. He's losing something because of his own mistakes, once again, because of something he chose to do, and the footsteps of the brother of the man echo in his head like thunder. He distantly hears them talk about execution and the only reason he doesn't surrender and let them execute him is because of the panic in Ed's eyes when they say the word - just that one look makes Stede feel like he needs to survive, he needs to keep fighting for the sake of not only himself but the man he's come to think of as... a friend, he guesses. Ed convinces them to let them partake in the Act of Grace and promises they'll stop their pirate ways if they're left alive and Stede wants to protest, wants to scream that he can't give it up, but he doesn't.
Instead he sits at the Royal Privateering Academy for Wayward Seamen and thanks God he at least still has Ed.
Ed has his beard shaved and Stede thinks he still looks gorgeous, with or without a beard. Ed brings him to the beach one evening and attempts to convince him to escape and to start a new life together and Stede listens intently and when Ed tells him he makes him happy he's taken aback but returns the sentiment gladly, feeling nothing and everything at the same time and when Ed kisses him, he feels overwhelmed and dizzy and he feels so, so, happy but he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know what to think. The only thing on his mind is Ed, and the fact that he feels so right, it's nothing like what it was like with Mary, it feels like coming home but it also feels like being left at the mercy of the currents and the waves of the ocean right in front of them and the possibilities are endless.
But when he's left alone in the dark night and his brain finaly settles, he feels heavy. There has never been a person he hasn't hurt even though he has loved them, and he doesn't want to do that to Ed, and oh god, he's freaking out. His brain is telling him to run, run, run, to leave, before he can mess up the one friendship he's ever had. But there's nowhere for him to return to, except his old life, which he could still probably fix if he tried, so that's exactly what he does.
He goes back, without telling Ed. Without telling anyone. And he weeps until he gags because he's done it again, he has left someone important. No matter what he does, he does it wrong, and he doesn't understand why.
But neither the children or Mary react kindly to him coming back. Mary has someone else, someone better and she seems to be thriving and the children are just as happy with or without him and there seems to be no space for him anywhere anymore. His decorations have been taken down and any trace of him removed and Mary looks angrier than ever and he nearly runs again just to be able to escape the way she stares daggers at his back when she thinks he's not looking.
But what's worse is that he doesn't want to be here, either, and he can't stop thinking about his crew; he misses them, and he misses Ed, and dear god he even misses Izzy Hands. He hopes he's taking good care of Ed while he's gone and he stops at the thought of that. "While he's gone" implies he's going to go back, but he can't, can he? Not again. He's kept running in circles all his life and he has to stop doing it, so he'll stay here, do what he was supposed to, and forget Ed and his crew, Lucius, Jim, Frenchie... god, fuck, he misses them. But he pushes that out of his mind and pretends to be a good husband and a good father until he wakes up to Mary nearly stabbing him one night, sending him into a great breakdown.
He rants about everything he's been through in the past months and he rants about Ed and he rants about his whole life and when Mary finally stops him to tell him how her life has changed without him, she tells him she's fallen in love, stabbing forgotten. Stede doesn't know what love like that feels like, so he asks, and Mary looks at him like he's grown horns out of his head. He doesn't quite understand why.
"It feels… easy," Mary begins, and Stede listens, "like breathing. He understands all my idiosyncrasies and even finds them charming."
Stede thinks of how being with Ed is easy and how he's the first person to ever just accept all of Ed without expecting anything in return. How he smiled at his large book collection and room full of clothes and his love for extravagant theatrical shows and dramatic ways of speaking.
Mary pauses. "We expose each other to new ideas," she says, and Stede nods, "and we laugh a lot. We just… pass the time so well."
Stede inhales sharply, a small smile forming on his face. He thinks of how Ed continued to build off of his jokes, making them into whole little stories and conversations and how they both went along with each other's silly ideas so easily.
"I'd call those things love. I hope you find that," Mary finishes, very sincerely. And when all the pieces finally fit together, Stede sees the whole picture.
"I think I have," he says, and the words feel weirdly light on his tongue. Mary asks him what her name is and Stede almost laughs.
"Ed. His name… is Ed", he says, confidently but hesitantly, and when Mary smiles, Stede's entire world gets a little bit brighter. It's like the dark thunderclouds overshadowing his entire life have finally made way for the sun to shine on him and that light in his eyes he lost years ago sparks and becomes alive again. He feels like he could run, and dance, and shout to the world that he has found love. Him! Stede Bonnet! Stede, the "weak little lily-livered boy" Bonnet, has found love!
The realization hits him all at once and suddenly he's on his feet, more confident than ever, proposing a grand plan to Mary who, for once, looks pleased with him rather than annoyed and they share the first embrace that doesn't feel forced or foreign, but instead friendly and encouraging, and they get to work.
It's a whole theatrical production, staging your own death, Stede thinks, but God is he having fun with it. Mary and the children are in on it and it's incredible, knowing where you belong and where you need to be headed and Stede feels light, oh, so light and he only hopes Ed will understand him once he returns and tells him the entire story. He's confident Ed will understand, because he's always understood him the most, and he's so ready to tell him that what he feels for him is love, that mystical and grand emotion. He sets sail that night, once again, and as the wind and the waves greet him, it's like coming home.
He's going home.
To Ed, and to his ship.