Chapter Text
James Potter is consumed by his own nothingness.
It’s what led him to spend an entire summer running away from his life. Running away from his father’s death, running away from never being the person anyone needed, never the person anyone expected him to be, never the person anyone could count on when they needed him. His friends and family saw him as someone who could do no wrong, who hung the sun in the sky. But really, James feels like he may be so much less than that. He shouldn’t be struggling, but his arms are shaking with the weight of the sun, the weight of it all. All he can think is that it isn't good enough. It truly consumes him, eating up his heart from the inside, chomping on all his fragile nerve endings. It pains him to know the people around him suffer; in ways he can't fix.
So, James tried, tried and tried. He tried to fulfill every expectation, fill every missing puzzle piece. He tried to be the person his parents needed. He cared for his ill father, day in and day out. He went to school and pretended everything was fine, he talked to his best friend who had fallen in love, he watched Remus and Sirius become one unshakable soul, their love lifted James’ best friend up and away from him, and towards someone Sirius needed more. James did not complain, he did not say anything to Sirius, did not tell Sirius about how much James needed him while his father was dying because people needed James, James could not need anyone in return, that would only be a burden.
James was a burden, and then he became useless, because his father died and nothing he had done to care for him had been good enough. Then James cried alone, and wished for his best friend. And then, as his tears continued to fall, he did something he had so scarcely allowed himself to before, he wished for the touch of a boy named Regulus, a boy James had had a crush on for years, a boy who James loved deeply and from afar. So, on his bed, in the dark of early summer, James sat imagining Regulus next to him, his hands in James’ hair, telling him everything is ok, you are enough, I love you, I love you, I love you.
But, it was not real, Regulus Black did not love James, James was not enough, he was not needed, he was nothing of what anyone thought he was. He was nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
James left home early the next morning, with all the money he’d saved from childhood birthdays. James left a note for his mom, telling her he needed to be alone for a while, and that he would write to her as often as he could. It would have broken his heart if he had had any heart left to break, and that is how James finds himself alone all summer, hiding amongst the city bustle, letting the world forget he was there. He does not sleep or eat well, he rarely looks in a mirror. His hair grows long and his once practiced open posture turns in on itself, fragile and breakable. Because as people so carelessly forget, James Potter is not made of stone. He is not the Indomitable boy everyone believes him to be.
He is drowning, but no one deserves to have to catch him, no one should reach out for him. Still he is surprised when no one does. Upon the final realization that he truly means nothing, the crack in James Potter's heart spreads, and then it shatters.
There is a part of Regulus Black that is consumed by fascination.
It’s what led him to his love for books, and their unmatched ability to transport a person to wherever that book takes place, and see right through the characters the book is about. Regulus loves to feel fascinated, and nothing in the world fascinates him more than James Potter. James Potter who is quite possibly the kindest person alive, James Potter who was his older brother Sirius’ best friend, someone Sirius - who, like Regulus, hates most people- would have died for. James Potter who left for a summer and came back sad. Thinking about someone as close to sunshine as James is being sad makes Regulus both sad himself, and utterly furious. Why would he be furious, one might wonder. Well, there you have fascination.
When Regulus sees James in school at the start of term, he says hello to the boy in glasses. James does not reply.