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Goh loved traveling with Ash.
Really, he did. It meant the world to him that Ash was such a good friend, one that wanted him around and supported him in his goals and endeavors. Goh was determined to make the same efforts for Ash in turn, and knowing he welcomed the attention when it came from Goh made his heart swell. Truly, having Ash Ketchum as a travel companion and research fellow (along with their combined pokémon, of course), was one of the most exciting and enlightening opportunities of Goh’s life.
Their goals weren’t the same, and yet they made it work. Goh was impressed with Ash’s determination to become who he wanted to be, and his flexibility to find out who that might be. Ash worked towards his goal in a way that wasn’t a straight trajectory, and it took a while for Goh to realize that it wasn’t for Ash’s lack of competence; rather, his desire to see the world before he cements his place in it. Ash had far more experience than Goh, he was well aware. The boy was just as young as him, but Goh felt something old in the way Ash carried himself, sometimes; though, his excitement at new things never dulled.
It was admirable. Goh wanted his own things out of their journey together, things not quite the same as Ash, but they worked towards their goals together. His pokédex was filling up as Ash’s own pokémon grew more powerful, and they got along great, even if their conflicting personalities caused intervals of stress at times. It was nothing they weren’t willing to overcome in order to keep on their intertwined paths.
But there were… complications, too, with regards to how much of his life Goh was willing to share with the optimistic boy. Ash had already met his childhood friends (few and far between as the two of them were) and seen his upbringing home (and seen it filled, for that matter). He knew Goh’s desire to understand Mew above all else, even though Goh hadn't quite told him why that was so. Ash simply knew what mattered about Goh, and what made Goh into the person that he is, and that was more than most people could say – which meant Ash knew him better than most, at this point, despite only knowing each other a few months.
Ash was nothing if not involved in his life, and Goh appreciated his presence, but there were things he just… wasn't sure how to share with the boy. Things he would brush off when they came up, too unsure how to proceed and unwilling to chance stumbling forward if it meant the possibility of wrecking what they had. Ash was always the one running headfirst into danger, after all. Not Goh. Never quite Goh.
Goh didn’t like to think of himself as a coward.
(That didn’t mean that sometimes, he didn’t feel like one.)
“Excuse me, children, can one of you point me in the direction of the nearest bus route?” asks an older man passing by one day, greeting Ash and Goh as they sit and eat their lunch on an only slightly uncomfortable bench. He holds out a map to them, old hands shaking the paper ever so slightly. “I’m afraid I’ve gotten a small bit turned around here.”
Goh was closest, so he puts his lunch container down and leans over to examine the map. He points at where they are, dragging his finger along the route to show the man the path he needs to redirect himself to. The man looks relieved by the explanation, nodding once it clicks in his mind where he needs to head.
“Thank you very much, young lady,” the man says happily. “I appreciate the help.”
Goh blinks. “Oh its ah, no problem.”
To both Ash and Goh he waves, map still in hand, then hobbles off in the way Goh had indicated. Goh sits back on the bench, grabbing his lunch again and resuming to shovel careful bites into his mouth.
Ash is looking at him. Goh looks back, and after a moment of simply staring, blanks. “What?” he asks, mouth purposefully full of food. “Something on my face?”
Ash blinks and shakes his head, flushing like he’d just been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. He turns back to his food, evidently bothered by something other than the sight of food in Goh’s mouth (though Goh can’t say the same for himself). After a slight moment, he smiles into his own portion before resuming to eat as well, not uttering a word and looking somewhat thoughtful.
Goh doesn't press him. They eat the rest of their lunch in silence before heading off to continue their journey together.
It happens again, of course. It’s been happening to Goh for all his life, and he knew it wouldn't just stop because Ash was around now, though a part of him wished it would if only to bypass the awkward aftermath. It changes its frequency depending on what he wears, Goh knows, just as it happens more when he does his hair a certain way or speaks a little differently.
He can’t truly find it in himself to limit his wardrobe, even despite this. For instance: today, Goh wears a long dress shirt with light ruffles at the bottom, patterned to match the red streaks in his hair and the blue specks of his eyes. He likes this dress shirt, flowy and lengthy as it was, and since he and Ash were going to a contest to see what kinds of pokémon they could spot, they both had pulled out neater outfits than their usual outdoor wear for the event seeing as it required a minor dress code to attend.
Well, Goh had, because he cares about his appearance. Ash was simply wearing a shirt that didn't smell like the wilderness yet, which for him was fairly fancy. Goh couldn't help but smile when he saw Ash’s relatively mundane appearance, though of course he’d turned away before Ash himself could catch the expression. Security allowed them attendance despite Ash’s lackadaisical dresswear, which was nice of them really, considering he was under-dressed by a long shot.
The contest itself had a fairly large antechamber where guests were meant to talk and network before the show began. It was a large space, but there weren’t many places to go within it, and neither he nor Ash really knew anyone there.
Goh doesn’t care much for mingling, anyway. He isn’t very good at it, not really, not even with how far he’s come. Small social groups were not the same as large crowds, a fact he’s been keenly aware of all his life and that he didn’t plan to dismiss anytime soon. Ash doesn’t seem to mind staying close to him – he even seems to like his company, though Goh suspects it’s only because Ash doesn’t know what to say to a fashionable crowd such as this. A few were side-eyeing him already for the lack of formal wear, and Goh’s caught him petting his pikachu (who was also lacking formal wear, unlike Scorbunny, whom Goh had adorned in a fancy black bowtie) awkwardly a few times already.
Goh sort of wished Ash would detach himself from his hip, however, when it comes: a group of girls, around their age, donning gorgeous flowy dresses and hairs pinned up similarly yet distinctly in their own rights. They walk by, heading around them to make it to the access door to the stage, likely performing themselves.
One of the girls stops in front of him and Ash, eyes set on Goh’s own outfit. “I love your dress,” she compliments, a twinkle in her eye as she speaks. “The colors match your hair, and your eyes. It’s wonderful!”
Goh looks down at his own frilly clothes, surprised by the sudden compliment. He flushes somewhat sheepishly, fluffing it up idly to keep his hands busy. “Thank you. I- I really love yours, too. It’s so glittery.”
She smiles, the grin reaching her eyes. “Thanks! Wish me and my pichu here luck, will ya?” she wiggles a matching glittery pokéball in her hands. Goh nods, and the girl follows the others away to where Goh presumes to be some backstage area.
After she’s gone, a rush of uncertainty hits him. He almost doesn’t want to, but he tilts his head to try and catch Ash’s eyes. To his surprise, it’s easier than he’d expected – Ash is looking right at him.
“She was pretty,” Goh notes somewhat awkwardly. He’s not sure what he wanted to say, but he doesn’t think it was that. Still, he continues: “I wonder what her pichu will be wearing.”
Ash blinks slowly at him, like he’s trying to process something, but eventually nods. “I think the competition is starting soon. We’ll keep an eye out for it.”
Goh nods back, looking down at his shoes. Though nothing was off about their interaction, Goh couldn’t help but feel like he’d messed up somehow. His gaze drifts back to his dress shirt – a dress, really, if he wasn’t kidding himself. It was longer than his shorts, though only by a thread. He’d worn a nice pair for the occasion anyway, and though he supposes that ‘dress’ may be a more accurate description for it than ‘shirt’ he hadn’t really thought that hard about it. He’d just liked it, thought it looked nice on him, and decided to wear it. Goh’s social anxiety would never allow him to ignore the social conventions of this action, and yet that never made it feel… like he was doing something wrong. It never crossed his mind that the decision to wear a dress may have crossed some kind of line he figured would be a non-issue to step over, even if it wasn’t a particularly feminine dress to begin with.
And truthfully, he had thought Ash would say something about it, if it bothered him.
Goh swallows. Did it bother him? Maybe Goh was supposed to read in between the lines. Maybe he’d missed some social cue, and was causing Ash discomfort.
Ash had gone quiet before, when this sort of a thing happened. Goh was never sure what to think of it, but honestly, he was too scared to push for an answer. Because what if the answer was bad? What if Ash wasn’t comfortable with him when he was being… when he was…
“Hey. Are you okay, Goh?”
Goh blinks, snapping his head up to face Ash, who was watching him with a look of concern in his eyes.
“I…” he isn’t sure. Ash doesn’t look upset. He doesn’t look disgusted. He doesn’t look uncomfortable. Just… concerned. “I don’t know,” he says honestly, because he just doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t know what Ash thinks of him, what he might think of him should he come to think too hard about it. He didn’t think it mattered to him, not if Ash wouldn’t say something first, but now the boy’s pensive silence seems like confirmation of Goh’s greatest insecurities.
Ash knew more about Goh than most could say they understood him to be. He knew he had to be acting rather silly to assume knowing more about him would fill some Goh-shaped glass to the brim, overflowing and driving Ash away in the process.
Yet, Goh still hadn’t told him.
(Why was that so hard to do?)
Ash looks worried, now. “Goh…”
Goh shakes his head. He’s being ridiculous. He’s building things up in his head again. The competition is starting soon, and he just… he wants to forget this ever happened. He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to ask the questions with answers he might not want to hear.
“I’ll be fine,” he says to Ash, trying to put conviction into the words. “Don’t worry about it, okay?”
The boy frowns, watching him for a moment longer, before side glancing his pikachu. The electric type squeaks, and Ash smiles, looking somewhat comforted by the sound. He tilts his eyes back to Goh. “Okay. If you say so.”
The competition starts soon after that, and as much as Goh wishes the excitement of the event could have truly put his worries from the back of his mind, he can’t help but wish that Ash could have pushed where Goh couldn’t find the strength enough to.
It comes late at night, some few weeks later.
Goh can’t sleep. Evidently, neither can Ash. They’re renting a cheap room for the night, curled up in sleeping bags on the floor. Ash’s pikachu is snuggled in a tight wound against him, while Goh’s raboot takes up residence against the tail end of Goh’s pillow, likely too hot in its fur to curl up in the sleeping bag like Goh but not wanting to take up residence on the one bed when the humans rest themselves on the floor.
They’ve had the debate of ‘who gets the bed’ before, but cut to the chase where if only one bed was available, they’d both equally migrate to the floor. Goh didn’t mind the floor – it was easier to keep still on, and he always felt worried he’d sink into the fluffy motel beds and never re-submerge. Ash himself seemed to like the beds on occasion, but seemed more familiar with the grounds of the outdoors and felt comforted in that familiarity.
They’d spent the day with a mix of training for Ash and exploring for Goh. He didn’t catch anything new today, nor had he in a few days, but it wouldn’t be long now. He was optimistic, and excited. Ash’s training had gone well, and he’d fought against a number of passing trainers, even drawing up a crowd through his rigor. Goh watched on, cheering him forwards alongside Raboot.
Someone Ash had been battling against spotted Goh’s raboot on the bench, then followed its seating path to Goh with his eyes and seemed to put them together as pokémon and trainer. “I’ve never fought a raboot before,” the trainer said aloud, though more to himself than Ash. After a second of contemplation, the trainer gestures to the bench and aims his voice back to his competitor; “Is she a trainer, too?”
Ash blanks. “Huh?”
The trainer points to Goh. “Her.”
Goh realizes it’s him being addressed, then, and speaks up before Ash can. “Oh, I- I do sometimes, but we aren’t training for it. Unless you want to, buddy,” he adds to Raboot, who frowns and makes no indication of interest. Goh gestures to the lack of response in his pokémon and shrugs. “Sorry. It’s not interested, so neither am I.”
The trainer looks sullen. He turns back to Ash with disappointment in his eyes, looking between him and his partner pokémon with a frown. “Well, I don’t wanna fight a pikachu. I’ve fought a bunch before. What else ya got?”
Ash looks between the trainer and Goh for a moment, but doesn’t seem to find anything worth hesitance in Goh’s causal expression, so he tells the trainer the rest of his party after only a moment of deliberation. They settle on a match up that satisfies them both, Ash emerging victorious in the end and Goh cheering ecstatically in congratulations. When Ash finishes his battles for the day, they stop at the pokémon center to heal his pokémon that fought, and they head to their motel room to feed everyone before turning in themselves, prepping for another full day to come.
But sleep isn't coming for Goh, who sees from the corner of his eyes that Ash is staring blankly up at the ceiling, solid in his position. This is the first indicator that he lays awake, for when Ash is actually asleep, he tosses and turns and snores and kicks. The stiff silence seems to roll off the boy in strict contrast.
Goh doubts he’s much better off, really, if Ash can tell he’s awake likewise.
“Goh,” Ash breathes out like a question into the night, quiet enough that Goh can choose to feign sleep and ignore it if he wants.
He smiles a little, despite himself. “Yeah, Ash?”
For a moment, Ash doesn't follow up on his prompt, taking long, relaxed breaths in the quiet that match the stillness of their surroundings so resolutely that Goh wonders if he's fallen asleep before he's had the chance to speak.
Goh tilts his head to see if Ash’s eyes had closed after the few moments of silence that seemed to stretch onward endlessly, only to find them staring right at him, a piercing brown in the dark reflecting only the light from the alarm clock behind them both.
“Um… Hey?” Goh prompts awkwardly, slightly put off by the intensity in his eyes. “You okay there, Ash?”
Ash doesn't break eye contact. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer, if you don't want to.”
Goh turns his eyes back to the ceiling, breaking their eye contact with almost relief on his end, as he was finding himself unprepared to face the conversation and Ash’s eyes at the same moment. “Sure.”
Ash licks his lips, clearly trying to figure out his wording. “Goh… Are you a boy?”
Goh can’t help it. He smiles to himself, in the dark. It’s not at anything in particular. He’s not sure if Ash can see it or not. He’s not sure if he wants him to.
“... I guess so,” he answers.
Ash is quiet. He shuffles up in the blanket spread he’d made for himself and Pikachu, who lets out a soft noise of disgruntlement at its displacement as Ash sits up, but doesn’t otherwise complain. Goh doesn't take his eyes off the ceiling, despite its overall blandness not quite catching his attention.
“You guess so, huh,” Ash repeats, sounding confused. Out of the corner of his eye, Goh watches him scratch his head lamely. “I don't really get what you mean by that.”
Goh considers explaining. The thing was, it was hard to explain. And the possibility of explaining, really letting Ash know who he is after he’d spent so long, now, assuming that he already knew all there was; of explaining and Ash still not getting it or worse, having issue with it… it causes only a momentary hesitance.
Because Ash wouldn’t care. And if he did, then maybe it’s Ash that Goh never really knew.
“No,” he ends up with, his words soft so as not to wake Raboot, “I guess not, huh. I… It’s weird, you know? To think that it’d be something that matters.” He laughs a little to himself, an equally small sound. “It’s just… I want so badly to simply understand everything, you know that. About pokémon, about this world we share with them. But I don't really even understand myself. Kind of hypocritical of me, really.”
Ash laughs a little louder than he had. “That’s so you.”
It's said fondly. It makes tears well up in Goh’s eyes, but they don't fall – just exist. He pushes himself gently upwards, trying not to jostle Raboot, but he’s not so certain he’d succeeded when his partner makes a noise at the rustled movement.
He folds his legs, finding that meeting Ash’s eyes is easy, and shouldn’t ever have been hard.
“Honestly, Ash, I just don't know,” he admits. “People call me a boy, which is fine, and people think I'm a girl, which is fine. I don't really mind either. There's a lot of lines between the two I've never really minded crossing, with how I present myself, or how I feel. I’m not sure which is really me, not like you know which is really you.”
Ash looks thoughtful. “You really don’t mind? Being either or, or like… being called one instead of the other?”
Goh shrugs. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so. Both feel right. So does… neither? I’m,” he runs his hands along the hem of his sleeping bag, “working on it.”
Ash seems to consider this in silence for a few moments. Goh tries to find out what he’s thinking from the shaded lighting on his face, but can’t read Ash on the best of days, let alone the darkest of night.
A minor flicker of concern flares inside of him as the silence stretches on, and his eyes return to the ceiling, noting they both hold the same nameless answers.
“Like a staryu,” Ash says, after what feels like an eternity.
Goh blanks. He gives up on his concerns, turns to look at Ash for his turn experiencing confusion. “Huh?”
“Yeah,” Ash affirms. “Like a staryu. It's a pokémon, an underwater one. I don't think we’ve seen any yet, traveling together, but my friend Misty had one before it evolved. It doesn't have a gender. It's actually both genders at once,” he says. “Like, it can switch its gender depending on its environment, or what it wants. And it doesn't matter which gender it is, it'll still fall in love with whatever staryu it falls in love with.”
Goh blinks. “That’s…” he starts, and then it really sinks in what Ash just compared him to, and he can’t help it. He laughs, something of a surprised bubble in his throat, a sound he hadn’t meant to make for words he hadn’t expected to hear. “I-I mean, not quite, ‘cause that's sex, not gender. But…” his laughter dies down. He faces Ash, an honest smile on his face. It’s really quite dark in the room, but he hopes if Ash can see anything, it's that. “Thank you. For trying to understand.”
Ash smiles back. Then, he yawns. Goh checks the time, whistling at what he finds.
“It’s nearly four in the morning, yano. I think we should try to get some rest,” he notes, and Ash nods, already looking like he was halfway to sleep. He tilts back down into the blankets spread out across the floor before wrapping himself and Pikachu up like they had been before, though looking much more relaxed, this time.
As Goh begins to settle back in himself, Ash pipes up again: “Goh?”
“Mmyeah, Ash?”
“Can I ask you more about it in the morning?”
Goh smiles, settling back into sleep much the same as Ash. Raboot makes a sound at the jostling of the pillow, but doesn’t stir.
Goh tries to meet Ash’s eyes, but the boy already has them closed, looking dead to the world just as quickly as he’d woken from it.
“Sure, Ash,” he says to the air. “Of course you can.”