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He really couldn’t understand it.
No matter what he does, what he says, how he acts.
He just couldn’t push him away, out of his mind.
And god, did He Xuan hate it.
Shi Qingxuan never left his thoughts, appearing in and haunting his dreams. The sweet smiles, bright and beautiful eyes, his voice. Even after a year since their breakup, not once did Shi Qingxuan despise He Xuan for it. He was so understanding, tears staining his beautiful face and yet, he never cut him off.
In return, He Xuan became easily irritated, sometimes lashing out at Hua Cheng and it wasn’t even the guy’s fault.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault.
No one but his own, that’s how he is.
He Xuan hiding himself away, never spoke about his feelings and never will even if he was on his deathbed. How could he? It’s not that no one would believe him, it’s if they do that scares the hell out of him. Talking about it meant he accepted it, that he screwed up and regretted it deeply.
Over the year, he’d often catch himself staring at Shi Qingxuan whenever they went out with the others. It was harder each time because despite what happened between the two, he’d still call He Xuan over to the spot he saved, still ordered or gifted his favorite food, spending their birthday together as nothing more than friends with hidden feelings.
It wasn’t until Xie Lian invited him out for breakfast one morning that He Xuan nearly broke down in the coffee shop.
“A-Xuan.” Came Xie Lian’s voice as soft as ever, setting his coffee down as he smiled with concern in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Goddammit. He knew and He Xuan knew that he knew. Avoiding eye contact as much as possible, he settled for staring out the window next to their booth and watched the city move.
Normally Xie Lian wouldn’t press but everyone was on his back for it, He Xuan would only willingly talk if it was him, they all knew it well. They’re best friends after all. Xie Lian sighed, “Don’t ‘nothing’ me. I’ve never seen you so closed off and angry.”
“I’m not-” He Xuan’s eyes narrowed as he inhaled through his nose, “I’m not angry.”
And the bait was set.
With him, Xie Lian learned how to work around the avoidance of topic. Picking up cues and phrases that would eventually lead to the man pouring his heart out. Both parties were grateful though, even if one was too stubborn to admit it.
“Is it about Shi Qingxuan?” He Xuan made the mistake of widening his eyes slightly, pursing his lips as Xie Lian continued, “A-Xuan, why don’t you tell him how is it you truly feel?”
It took a few moments for He Xuan to think about his words carefully, replying as his voice was barely above a whisper and still, Xie Lian caught every word. “If I do, I’d have to accept it. I don’t want to accept, A-Lian.”
A-Lian.
A nickname He Xuan would only say in certain circumstances. Xie Lian realized how deep this really was and he knew He Xuan felt hopeless.
It wasn’t sweet longing.
It nearly tore He Xuan apart on multiple occasions. A miracle really, spending this long without going on a rampage because he’s unknown to his own emotions. His mind and heart against him as always, he faintly recalled the memories before disaster.
Memories he so carefully hid away because he couldn’t bear to deal with it.
A shaky sigh escaped his lips, “I rather ignore it until it goes away.” Xie Lian didn’t reply, taking a sip from his coffee as he left He Xuan alone to collect his thoughts, collect himself. “I don’t want him knowing, I don’t even want to face him. Please don’t make me face him.”
“I won’t, not until you’re ready. But you can’t continue doing this to yourself. How can you expect to get over it if you’re not letting yourself come to terms with it? Feel it?” Xie Lian frowned as he watched He Xuan barely moved like he was a statue and still hung onto his every word. Even as a child, He Xuan bottled his emotions and when that bottle cracked, so did he. When that bottle broke, so did he. He repeated the endless cycle for years and years without fail, stubborn and alone. “I’m not telling you to confess, A-Xuan. I’m just…you have to at least talk to him. He won’t know until you say something. Anything.”
Heartache was something He Xuan didn’t expect to experience.
The aching, empty feeling in his chest, the reminders of Shi Qingxuan almost everywhere. Items He Xuan thought he’d like, every song.
What could’ve been if he hadn’t made that choice.
He found himself thinking about what else they could’ve shared, what they would’ve planned, how many times Shi Qingxuan would need to drag him out with He Xuan’s clear annoyance but the soft gaze that never left his eyes.
He Xuan was self-destructive, he knew that. Self-sabotage was the co-star alongside it.
And he would fall into the trap he laid for himself, the hole he somehow digs deeper each time.
That day, he and Xie Lian parted ways with his head spinning.
He Xuan spent his birthday late in a bar.
Each and every glass that was filled to the brim with the strongest liquor the bartender provided, he drank it to the last drop.
The music blaring loudly in his ears, the bass in sync with the massive headache that began forming, lights flashing in his heavy lidded eyes and everything would fade in and out.
Then he felt a hand on his arm before it was pulled around someone’s shoulders.
Were they speaking to him?
He couldn’t tell.
His mind was hazy, his body felt numb and he could barely stand straight, the person being the only reason he’s up in the first place.
He stumbled outside the bar, being carefully placed down against the wall as his head was lifted up and cold liquid poured down his throat.
It took a couple minutes of fresh air and cold water to bring him back just a bit. His hearing still faded but he caught a few words.
Words that were calling to him.
The tone of voice felt familiar even in his drunken state.
He Xuan furrowed his brows like the person was screaming at him and pushed the water bottle away.
“....A-Xuan? A-Xuan, can yo–he–me?”
It was like bad connection on a phone call and it felt uncomfortable to say the least.
His head was lifted up again and water continued to course down his throat, his senses becoming clearer than before.
The figure kneeling in front of him came to view. Dark hair held back with a clip, bright eyes burning with worry. He hadn’t changed since He Xuan last saw him.
Without thinking, he reached out. His palm cupped Shi Qingxuan’s cheek as if confirming he wasn’t dreaming. If he was, he didn’t care at this point. He just knew he didn’t want to ever wake up.
“I miss you.” He whispers, eyes glassy as He Xuan watched Shi Qingxuan take his hand into his own, “I miss you and I don’t know what to do.”
Shi Qingxuan nearly broke at the sight of his former lover like this, vulnerable and on the verge of crying. He kissed He Xuan’s hand softly and smiled, “Do you mind if I take you home?”
“Don’t leave me..” He Xuan’s eyelids became heavy and he felt extremely tired.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. I won’t, I promise.” He closed the water bottle before lifting He Xuan up, his body supported as his arm was back around Shi Qingxuan’s shoulders and made their way to the car.
Shi Qingxuan set him in the passenger seat, leaning over to click his seatbelt in and closed the door after. Rounding the car and got in the driver’s seat, starting the car as he grabbed his phone and dialed a number.
He Xuan rested his head against the window as the conversation between Shi Qingxuan and someone else on the phone barely reached his ears.
And he faded into unconsciousness.
Stirring with a groan, He Xuan pulled the blanket over his head in attempt to block the sunlight.
He didn’t hear the soft knock on the door nor did he hear it open until he heard a cup being set down with what he assumed was some medicine for the hangover.
The bed dipped as Shi Qingxuan sat next to him with a sigh, “A-Xuan?”
He Xuan knew he wasn’t home but he didn’t know he was in Shi Qingxuan’s room. He mentally cursed, then had an internal brawl with himself before sighing.
Lowering the blanket, his eyes squinted from the sudden brightness and his heart almost exploded from the way Shi Qingxuan’s expression softened. “How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.”
He smiled and handed He Xuan the cup of water and aspirin, waiting as he sat up to take both. “You drank heavily last night, I was worried.”
He Xuan popped the aspirin in his mouth, swallowing as he drank water and gave it back to Shi Qingxuan who set it on the nightstand. “How did you know where I was?”
“You texted me a few times, called me. From there, I kind of made a guess where you were.”
“You didn’t have to-”
“I wanted to. I could never leave you like that, A-Xuan.” Shi Qingxuan stared down at his lap, twiddling his fingers as he tried to figure out what to say, if he should mention what he heard the night before. In the end, he decided to. “You said..a few things last night.”
He Xuan scratched the back of his neck as he leaned against the bed frame. “What did I say?”
“I miss you. You said to not leave you and when we got home, you didn’t want to sleep unless I was next to you.” His voice was quiet, nervous and He Xuan did nothing but sigh deeply.
“Was it true?”
“Was what true?”
“That you missed me?” Shi Qingxuan turned, his eyes full of hope.
Don’t do that, please don’t do that.
“A-Xuan..?”
He looked away, “Yes. It’s true.”
“The entire time? Is that how you really feel?”
“Yes.”
They fell into silence, each having their own thoughts swirling around like a tornado.
The night of their breakup had been a few months before their birthdays. Out on a double date with Xie Lian and Hua Cheng at a restaurant.
They ate, they talked, they joked.
The group traveled to the theaters and as Xie Lian and Hua Cheng went inside to get the tickets, He Xuan and Shi Qingxuan stayed behind.
They walked alongside each other on the sidewalk as they waited, Shi Qingxuan talking about anything and everything as He Xuan listened.
Then he stopped.
So did Shi Qingxuan.
“What’s wrong?” Shi Qingxuan asked, his hand on He Xuan’s arm as he refused to look Shi Qingxuan in the eye.
“I can’t…do this.”
“What do you mean?” There it was. How hurt he sounded when his voice cracked, how it stabbed He Xuan in the heart.
He Xuan pulled Shi Qingxuan into a hug, tears burning his own eyes as he kissed the side of his head. “I know I never said it but I love you so much, Qingxuan.”
Shi Qingxuan only stood stunned as tears fell from those eyes He Xuan always adored.
“I..” He swallowed thickly, putting on a sad smile as He Xuan pulled away, “I understand. It’s okay, really.”
He Xuan knew it wasn’t.
He knew and it hurt him so severely .
“I would never lie to you.”
“You’ve lied before, A-Xuan.”
“I lied that night. I know I did and I’m so sorry.”
Shi Qingxuan turned completely, his legs folded under him as he stared at He Xuan, “Why did you do it?”
“I was scared.” He Xuan admitted. Everything he bottled up started to crack and before he knew it, tears streamed down his face. “I was scared I was going to fuck everything up.”
Soft, cold hands cupped his cheeks as Shi Qingxuan gently turned his face to make eye contact. He Xuan always loved the gesture, it was comforting. It felt like home.
“A-Xuan, we never argued, we never fought. Why didn’t you just talk to me, hm?” He brought up his hands and wrapped them around Shi Qingxuan’s wrists, his thumb rubbing against the inside of his palm, “You’re so stubborn. I’ve told you time and time again that you don’t need to hold it all in. I wouldn’t think of you any less, you know that?”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
He Xuan smiled, pulling Shi Qingxuan beside him as he rested his arm around his shoulders. Shi Qingxuan laid his head on his chest where he could hear a faint heartbeat. A kiss planted on his forehead as He Xuan replied, “I love you.”
“Promise me you’ll talk to me. I don’t want you to keep it to yourself anymore.”
“I promise.”
Shi Qingxuan glared at nothing in particular, hitting He Xuan lightly as the other man winced, “I’m being serious! Even if- even if I have to call Pei Ming or Ling Wen or A-Lian or even Hua Cheng .”
“Absolutely not. I rather take fucking Feng Xin or Mu Qing of all people instead of him.” He Xuan shook his head, shuddering for dramatic effect which elicited a laugh from Shi Qingxuan. “But I’m serious too. I’ll try.”
“Good. Or I’ll fight you. Now come on, we have to make breakfast.”