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“Baby, how do you want me to pack this?”
You looked up as Josh came into the living room, your attention briefly diverted from the sea of boxes and packing supplies around you. He was holding the beautiful gold terrarium that usually sat on your dresser, and though he was being careful with it, you had a sudden flash of anxiety and knew you’d feel better if you were in charge of it.
“Just set it on the table,” you said, turning back to the box of mugs you were painstakingly stuffing with wrapping paper. “I’ll pack it in a minute.”
You heard him give a short huff.
“You’ve said that about the last five things I've asked you about,” he said. “You can let me pack something, you know.”
“Pack up the bedroom closet,” you said, distracted.
“The closet’s already done,” he said, frustration creeping into his voice. “And I feel like I’ve already said that nine hundred times this morning, since you keep trying to get me to pack it every time I ask what you want me to do.”
You gave an exasperated sigh. “Sorry, but I’ve been a little busy, if you can’t tell. Pick something you can pack without having to ask me about every two seconds.”
He set the terrarium on the table. “I’ve tried that. But every time I do, you come in and boss me around about it because you don’t like the way I packed it.”
You could tell he was angry with you, and you were running short on patience yourself. It felt like a sauna in your apartment, the music you’d put on was now way too loud for your liking, and you were in desperate need of something to eat. You hadn’t taken the time to eat when Josh did earlier, and you regretted it now, but there was just too much to do .
“I don’t understand why you can’t just pack things the way they’re supposed to be packed,” you snapped. “It’s not that difficult, Joshua.”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh, here we go.” You both knew you only ever called him Joshua when you were very sweet on him or very upset with him, and it was definitely the latter this time.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me,” you said angrily. “I can’t babysit you the whole time. I’ve got a million other things to do without worrying that you’re going to pack the kitchen knives in with our good sheets or something.”
His cheeks pinked with irritation. “Number one,” he said, “that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Number two, I’m not a complete idiot, and I’ve done just as much as you have so far. So don’t act like I’m not helping.”
“It’s not helping if I have to go behind you and double check everything!” you burst out.
“It’s not my fault you’re a control freak!” he shot back. “Why can’t you trust me with our stuff, baby? When have I ever just thrown stuff in a box without taking care of it?”
You knew he was right, but his tone made you dig your heels in. You were well and truly fed up with him, never mind the whole idea of the move, and wondered if it wouldn’t be easier to just do all the packing yourself so you knew it would be done right.
“Can you find something to do other than annoy me to death?” you asked venomously. You stuffed another mug into the box. “Someone has to get this place packed because you decided to move us to the other side of the fucking country, Joshua. So if you’re not going to help, get out of the way so I can do it.”
He threw up his hands in exasperation. “Fine. If you want to pack the whole fucking house by yourself, be my guest.”
He left for the back porch, and though you knew he was likely only going for a quick smoke, it made your blood boil. You hadn’t taken a break all day. You’d been fussing over each and every box, including the ones Josh had packed, insisting on making sure everything was perfect. If something were to break or get lost during the move and you had to go without it in your new house, you didn’t know how you’d stand it.
You liked your apartment here, and if you could, you’d have taken the whole thing with you to Nashville just as it was. For the last two years, you and Josh had made it into a home for the two of you, decorating it with all the things you loved, making it work for you until it became your favorite place to be. You were close to your parents and the Kiszkas here. More than anything, you loved the countless precious memories you’d made in this small apartment: having the boys over at all hours; bringing Sparrow, Jake’s girlfriend, into your close friendship until she was a permanent fixture in your little family; spending long nights and early mornings with the man you loved, planning your future together.
But Josh and the boys had decided, with their team, that moving to Nashville was the next step they needed to take for the band. It made sense, from a practical point of view, and even you had to admit that it was the right choice for the band.
But what about the right choice for you?
You sighed. It was selfish to think that way; you’d known what you were getting into when you started dating Josh, and you wanted to support him in this new phase with the band in any way you could. But you couldn’t get over the heartache of leaving the only thing you knew. You’d grown up in Frankenmuth, just like the boys, and you hadn’t planned on leaving. You wanted to be able to pack up and follow Josh anywhere he needed to go without hesitation, but it was proving much more difficult than you’d imagined.
You closed the box and taped it up before scribbling a label on the top. You weren’t proud of how you’d spoken to Josh and knew you were unfairly taking your fear and frustration out on him. But you felt that he’d be even more upset if you admitted what was really going on, if he knew you were unhappy, so you resolved to just keep your mouth shut about it until you were safely, irreversibly in Nashville.
John came back in after a few minutes, turning down the music and bumping the air conditioner down another notch. You were surprised when he made his way over to you through the boxes and as-yet unpacked items you’d set out.
“Can I sit with you for a minute?” he asked, and his voice was gentle.
You shrugged as if you couldn’t care less, trying to hang onto the upset of your argument despite knowing how unproductive it would be. Your anger was a safer emotion than your sadness, and you’d rather yell at Josh than burst into tears where he could see.
He settled himself on the other side of the box you were packing and brushed his curls back from his face. His cheeks were rosy with the heat of the day, and he took a measured breath as he met your eyes.
“I’m sorry I spoke to you like that,” he said after a moment. “I was feeling kind of overwhelmed, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I know you must be feeling overwhelmed too.”
You bit the inside of your cheek. “Thank you,” you said quietly, still not looking up from what you were packing. You couldn’t quite manage an apology back, knowing it would open up the Pandora's box of your emotions.
He put his hand over yours. “Baby.”
“What?”
“Look at me.”
You did as he said and tried to remember the frustration you’d lashed out with earlier. His expression was concerned and kind.
“I want to help you,” he said. “I’m not trying to make you crazy, and if you need to go behind me and check everything I pack, you can. If there’s something you know you can trust me with, please tell me so I can get it done for you.”
You felt tears come and fought to keep them at bay. “I don’t... I don’t know what to tell you to do, Josh.” You wanted to trust him, but giving up that last bit of control when everything felt like it was spiraling was so difficult.
He nodded, and he smiled a little. “I bet you wish you had another one of you instead of just me helping you pack, huh? Then you wouldn’t have to worry about getting everything done perfectly.”
You were raw with guilt and his kindness was only making it worse.
“It doesn’t have to be perfect,” you lied, taking your hand away from his. “It just has to be...”
“Perfect,” he teased, but his voice was affectionate. “That’s ok, baby. I know you want things done the way you want them. I’ll try my best to do them that way.”
You covered your face with your hands. “Josh,” you said softly. You wished he would go back to yelling at you so you wouldn’t feel so awful for the way you’d treated him.
He moved the box from between you and came closer, gently pulling your hands away from your face.
“Baby,” he said gently. He held your hands between you, running his fingers over your knuckles. “We can talk about how you want everything done, and I’ll go along with whatever makes this easiest for you. But I think you need a little break.”
You nodded, mute. He smiled, pleased you’d agreed with him.
“You need to eat something,” he said, “but first, I thought we could do a quick meditation. If that sounds good to you. Just to get you centered and in the right headspace to rest for a while.”
Josh often offered to meditate with you, or else invited you to join him when he did. It was a good exercise in dealing with your anxiety, and it certainly couldn’t hurt right now.
“Okay,” you said. “If you think it’ll help.”
He chuckled. “I know it’ll help, baby. I know you, remember?”
He made sure you were both comfortable before he started, and he held your hands in a gentle, soothing grip as he guided your breathing. You closed your eyes and let yourself sink into the quiet comfort of his voice, resting in the peace of the space he was creating for the two of you in the middle of all the chaos.
“Breathe here,” he said, his voice soft and calm. “Breathe as we ask for the barriers to higher consciousness to dissolve. Breathe as we ask for the illusions of fear to fall away from us.”
You matched your breathing to his, trying to block out the sounds of your neighbors, the heat of the summer day, the fear and worry that had caused you to lash out at the one you loved more than anything. It wasn’t as easy as he made it sound — it never was, and he never pretended it came easily to him, either. As if on cue, he began to speak again.
“As humans, our minds tend to wander,” he said, and you thought you could hear a smile in his voice. “That’s okay. Don’t judge it. Simply bring your awareness back to the breath.”
You did as he said. Josh always reminded you that focusing on your breath was the simplest way to tune back into a meditation, and even if you couldn’t focus on truly meditating, breathing with intention would always be of benefit to you.
“As we begin this journey,” he said, “we ask the universal energy to surround us, protect us, and heal us from the illusions of separation, anger, and fear. Thank you for your presence and assistance on this journey.”
You loved the sound of his voice, and it was always so calm and gentle when you meditated together. Just hearing it soothed your anxiety. Some people thought Josh was being pretentious with his recent public step into meditation and spirituality; music critics didn’t seem to take too kindly to it, and some fans thought it was too new-agey or just for show. But they didn’t know Josh like you did, and you knew that Josh had been sincerely, passionately pursuing this kind of spirituality for years. He was well-versed in it, and it worked for him; you were thankful that he shared it with you, and you’d seen the fruits of it in his life as well as your own.
“Where is your body?” he asked, drawing your attention back. “Is it pulled in a million directions? Or is it here, right with us?”
He knew as well as you did that you were all over the place emotionally, and it had taken its toll on you physically.
“Do you feel sadness?” he asked. “Fear? Worry?”
You did, and you almost let them overwhelm you again.
“Give this permission to leave the body now,” he said. It grounded you, and you did your best to lean into the calm that meditating with Josh always brought you.
He ran his thumbs over your knuckles. “Breathe. You are safe here. You are held here. All of you is accepted and celebrated here.”
You felt the sting of tears. You’d been so horrible to him and couldn’t even be honest about why you were so upset. Josh loved you even after how you’d treated him, celebrated your closeness despite how you’d hurt him and still took joy in you.
“Our wounds have a funny way of showing themselves sometimes,” he said gently. “But the truth is, we all desire to be loved and accepted, to feel at peace, to feel safe.”
You didn’t even know you were crying until your breath hitched on a half-sob, and heat flooded your cheeks as embarrassment came on as strongly as your heartache. You were supposed to be quiet, and you were interrupting not only your mediation but Josh’s as well.
“Sorry,” you managed in a whisper.
He squeezed your hands.
“Shh, baby,” he soothed, fully in his meditative space but always attuned enough to comfort you. “You don’t have to apologize. This is why we’re taking this journey together. Let your body react how it needs to.”
You breathed a shaky sigh of relief and tried to settle, and Josh’s touch was grounding as tears poured down your face.
“Focus on your breathing,” he reminded you. “Whatever you’re feeling is okay. Allow yourself to be truthful to your mind and your heart.”
He took a deep breath, and you mimicked him.
“Good girl,” he praised gently. “Light surrounds us — breathe in this light. Love does not leave us, ever. This light is here to bring us back to the center of love.”
You rested in his voice and his touch, feeling a peaceful warmth fill your chest. Josh was the center of your love, and his love would never leave you.
“Gently thank the universe for reminding you of your essence,” he said.
You did. You would spend the rest of your days being thankful for Josh’s love and the way it anchored you in peace and joy.
“We can rest here,” he said. “We are one. We are joined in the truth of love and can begin to heal.”
He was silent for a long while, and you tried to match your breathing to his. Tears streaked down your face, but you were safe; Josh wasn’t going anywhere. As long as you had Josh, you could be happy anywhere in the world. Even Nashville.
“Time to leave this space now,” he said gently. “Rejoin your clear, cleansed, and grounded body. And when you are ready, slowly open your eyes.”
You waited a few moments, and you opened your eyes to see him smiling at you. He tenderly touched your cheek.
“I’m really proud of you, baby,” he said sincerely. “Thank you for letting me share that space with you.”
You put your arms around his neck and he caught you against him, hugging you tightly. You buried your face in his shoulder and cried.
“There we go,” he said softly, running his hand over your back. “Good girl. I’m right here.”
He kept up a steady stream of comforting words as you cried, and he held you until you were spent. When you pulled back, he took your hands again; you were worn out with crying, but you felt better than you had since the move had been decided on.
“Sorry for crying all over you,” you said, a little bashful at your behavior.
He smiled. “No need to apologize, sweetheart,” he reminded you. “To tell the truth, I’ve been a little worried that you haven’t had a good cry about it. This is about the move, right?”
You nodded and tried to wipe your face on your shoulder. He squeezed your hands.
“Sit tight for a second, honey,” he said as he stood. “I’ll be right back.”
He brought you back a few tissues, your water bottle, and some Tylenol. You gratefully accepted them and tried to repair yourself after you took the medicine.
“Okay,” he said, settling back in. He met your eyes. “Would it help to talk about it, baby?”
You took a deep breath. “I don’t want to... make you upset with me.”
His brow crinkled a little. “Why would I be upset with you?”
You hesitated, and he tucked your hair behind your ear.
“I want you to be honest with me, baby,” he said. “Whatever’s going on, we can figure it out together. I’d be more upset if you lied about it.”
You bit your lip. “I’m excited about how moving is going to change things for you guys,” you said truthfully. “And I’m so proud of you and the boys for all the hard work you’ve put in to get here.”
He smiled. “Thank you. I’m proud of us too.” He studied your face. “But what’s bothering you, baby? Please tell me.”
You sighed. “I’m just... afraid to leave,” you admitted. “I’ve never lived anywhere else.”
“Me either,” he reminded you. “I could say it’ll be a fun adventure for both of us, and I think that’s true, but that doesn’t help us with our fear of the unknown. It’s a leap of faith, and I’m nervous to take it too.”
You looked up at him, surprised. “You are?” You’d heard nothing but excitement from Josh about the move and could never have guessed he was worried about it.
He gave you a soft smile. “Sure I am. It’s a big change. We won’t be close to our parents any more. It’s a whole new city to get familiar with.”
“And a new house,” you added quietly.
He nodded. “And a new house,” he agreed. “That doesn’t bother me so much, but I know you’re having trouble with it.”
“It’s not that I don’t like our new house,” you said. You’d picked it together, and it was a sweet, old house with lots of character in the same neighborhood as Jake and Sparrow’s house. Sam and Danny had chosen a newer, swankier apartment in the city, but it was still only a few minutes from your new home.
You twisted your fingers together in your lap and looked around your nearly-bare apartment.
“But I love living here,” you said, “and I love all the memories we made here.” You met Josh’s eyes. “It was our first place together, and it makes me sad to leave it.”
“I know, my love,” he said, and his voice was impossibly kind. “It makes me sad to leave it too. But we’ll carry those memories with us, and we’ll make lots of wonderful memories in our new home.”
He took your hands, and like he often did without ever having to be asked, he let you play with his fingers to give you an outlet for your anxiety.
“I haven’t done a very good job telling you how thankful I am for you,” he said, though you knew that wasn’t true. “I know I’m asking a lot with this move. I admire your bravery and selflessness in choosing to leave here, and I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re coming with me.”
You gave him a wobbly smile. “Of course I’m coming with you. You could decide to move to the middle of the desert and I’d go with you.”
He chuckled. “I know, and I love you for it.” He kissed you gently. “One day, we’ll have to make a big choice for you, and I’ll go wherever that takes us. I promise, baby. I know how big of a sacrifice you’re making for me, and I want to do the same for you when the time comes.”
You kissed him for a long while, slow and gentle and affectionate. You were glad you’d told him. You should have known better than to think that he would be upset with you for what you felt.
“I love you a whole lot, Joshua.”
He smiled. “I love you a whole lot too, baby. And for the record, I like it better when you call me that when you’re happy with me.”
Your smile was bashful. “I know. And I’m sorry I was micromanaging you to death. It’s been hard for me not to be a control freak, like you said.”
He winced. “Yeah, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”
You gave a soft laugh. “No, you were right. I wanted to do everything myself because it gave me a sense of control over the move. But it’s not right for me not to trust you, and I don’t need to control everything about our move, because it’s going to be okay.”
“Yes, it is,” he agreed with a smile. “It’s like your favorite John Denver song — how does the chorus go?”
“Keep her steady, cowgirl,” you sang, knowing exactly which song he was talking about and pleased that he’d remembered it was your favorite. “Don’t let go of the reins.”
“Right,” he said, “and then it goes — you are ready now, girl, never mind the growing pains.” He kissed your cheek. “You’re ready to take this big step, baby. I know these growing pains aren’t fun, but you’re ready. And you won’t be alone.”
You hugged him again, and you loved the feel of his arms around you, steady and comforting like they always were.
“I’m sorry for blowing up at you,” you said. “Please forgive me.”
He gave you a quick kiss. “Already forgiven, baby.”
He stood and offered you a hand up, looking around your apartment.
“We still have a lot to pack,” he said.
“Yeah,” you agreed, a little overwhelmed at the thought. An idea occurred to you as you tried to decide where to start again.
“We could call everybody,” you said. “Ask if they want to come help.” You’d all helped pack up Jake and Sparrow’s place a few days ago, and you knew Sam and Danny were mostly done.
Josh raised a brow. “You sure?” he asked. “That really would mean you’d have to, uh... give up a certain amount of... control.”
You smiled at the caution in his voice as he tried to word it in a kind way.
“I know,” you said. You were less panicked about everything being done perfectly now that you were feeling more at peace with the move. “But I know I can trust you and our friends to take care of our things.”
He grinned. “Good. I’m glad. You can be in charge of the whole thing, if it’ll make you feel better.”
You kind of liked that idea, orchestrating the comforting chaos of your friends.
He took his phone from his pocket. “I’ll tell Jake to pick up some food, too.” He tapped your nose. “You have to start taking better care of yourself, little miss.”
“Yes sir,” you said. You gave him a goofy salute that made him laugh.
“Go take a break,” he said, lightly pushing you towards the back porch. “Have a cigarette, make a cocktail, whatever you need.”
You laughed. “I just might make myself a cocktail.”
He put the phone to his ear. “The stuff for a salty dog is still out,” he said, nodding to the kitchen counter.
Josh called your friends as you enjoyed your salty dog out on the porch, and all four of them were bursting through your front door soon after, already making the packing up into a party. Josh made sure you had lunch from the takeout Jake brought and, re-energized, you joined the fray.
You worked long into the night, the help of your friends’ willing hands canceled out by the time you all took to enjoy each other’s company. Danny and Sparrow were experts at making the most out of every box; Sam put himself in charge of music and store runs for packing odds and ends and gas station treats; the twins followed behind everyone else and scrubbed and vacuumed and dusted each room until it shone. You took care of the fragile, sentimental things like photos and tchotchkes and directed where you wanted the boxes to be stacked.
When all the packing was finally finished, Josh ordered pizza while Jake and Danny made drinks to celebrate. The six of you sat out on the porch and had dinner and got well on your way to being drunk.
“We’re crashing here,” Danny said with a soft laugh when Sam finished his drink and stole a sip of his boyfriend’s. “Because we’re obviously not finished drinking.”
Sam grinned when Danny offered him his drink. “Thanks, honey.”
“Groovy,” you said, leaning against Josh’s shoulder. “We need to drink all this up before we go anyway.”
You looked to Jake and Sparrow. “You two down to clown?”
She laughed. “Sure.” She kissed Jake’s cheek. “You’re pretty plastered already, aren’t you, lover?”
Jake raised his solo cup. “Naturally,” he said, drawing laughter from all of you with the gravelly British accent he’d been perfecting. “Don’t invite me into a house that has tequila in it unless you want it drunk. Drank. Dranken.”
You sat out on the porch for a while, talking and laughing and getting excited for the move you were all making together. Sitting there with your four best friends and the love of your life, you finally let yourself be excited too — it was going to be a fun adventure, just like Josh said, and you were so glad you were all going together. Your happy memories wouldn’t end when you left this apartment; you were taking everything important with you to Nashville, and you had all the time in the world to make new, happy memories with the ones you loved.
You tipped your face up towards Josh and he obliged you with a sweet kiss.
“Feeling better, baby?” he asked.
You smiled. “Much better. Thank you. I love you.”
He grinned and gave you another kiss. “I love you too, baby.”