Archive of Our Own

1

The first time it happened, Eddie had almost been too shaken himself, too afraid to reach out and ruin everything they’d built. Something about it felt automatic though, Eddie unable to do anything other than reach out and hold, hold those hands that shook. Of course, they’d always been close, shoulders brushing together as they walked side by side, knees knocking against the other as they sat close together, their fingers skimming whenever handing something off to the other, but holding hands? Yea, that wasn’t really something best friends did.

The last person Eddie ever expected to see when he turned around was his best friend, the one that was covered in dirt and grime, blood dripping down his arm from a gruesome looking cut. The man looked absolutely wrecked, those blues of his bloodshot. This day just never seemed to stop.

“Are you ok?”

The words didn’t seem enough, Eddie already inferring the answer, though he had to ask anyway. He needed to hear it from Buck.

Buck could hardly look at him, his words stuttering out in a jumbled mess.

“I-I lost him Eddie. I-I—"

Eddie followed Bucks hands as he lifted them to the red string hanging around his neck, pinching the material between his fingers. There was an all too familiar pair of glasses hanging off of them, ones Eddie had seen too many times to count. They were Chris’. Christopher, his son. Chris was supposed to be with him.

It was Eddie who couldn’t speak then, taking the glasses as Buck handed them out, the object all but crumbling in his hands. Eddie had no idea what to say, his head giving one firm nod with a tight-lipped look. Thankfully, the shock didn’t last long, Eddie turning at the sound that always reminded him who he was.

“Dad!”

There, in a woman’s arms was his son, Christopher making grabby hands out to him. Eddie turned a quick look of relief on Buck before taking off toward his son, wrapping Chris safely in his arms; he never wanted to let him go again. The lady asked if he was Buck, explaining Chris had been looking for him.

“Buck saved me. I knew he’d find me again!”

 Eddie looked down to his son with a soft smile, only able to shake his head in answer. He had no idea how they’d gotten involved in the tsunami, or how long they’d been swept up in it. What he did know was that Buck had never given up on looking for his son, the one that he seemed to share with Buck more and more these days.

He was grateful they were both safe now, Chris tucked in his arms, his little face pressing into Eddie’s chest.

 Eddie began to make his way back over to Buck, stopping when he saw the man collapsing, his limp body falling to the ground. Hen and Chim were next to him in an instant, carefully grabbing onto him as they lowered him safely to the ground, making sure he didn’t further injure himself. Buck looked absolutely broken, the same way Eddie had felt only moments ago.

Eddie walked Chris over to Buck, dropping down to his knees so he could meet Buck wholly. Chris reached his little hands out to Buck’s face, brushing softly over his cheek, Buck hesitating a moment before leaning into the touch. Chris was all but knocked out in seconds, safely nestled between his dad and his Buck. Bobby looked between the three of them, nodding to Eddie. “C’mon, let’s get them checked out.”

Gathering Chris back in his arms, Eddie gave Buck a once over before moving toward the children’s ward to have Chris checked out. Other than a few cuts and bruises, he was fine, though they gave him some liquids to help with any dehydration that might’ve occurred. Hen came to check on them after a bit, her smile soft and warm.

“You wanna go see him? I can watch Chris for a bit.”

Eddie was thankful he didn’t have to explain anything to Hen—not at the moment—thanking her before pressing a kiss to Christopher’s forehead and making his way over to the adult ward.

Maddie was sat at Buck’s bedside, talking to him soothingly, though he didn’t seem to be taking much of it in; the guy had to be completely exhausted.

Eddie must’ve made some noise because Maddie looked up to him, giving a tiny smile before beckoning him closer. Buck had his head tucked into Maddie, not bothering to lift it once she stood to meet him. Reaching out to squeeze his shoulder, Maddie sighed a little dejectedly. “I think what he needs right now is you.”

Why would Buck need him?

Maddie placed her hand over Buck’s, linking their pinkies before turning back to Eddie, giving him a knowing look. Eddie tried not to read too much into her words or facial expressions, giving her a simple nod before taking the seat at Buck’s bedside, unsure of where to put his hands.

“Hey, it’s me.”

At the sound of his voice, Buck tilted his head up, those blues red-rimmed and stained with tears. It would’ve been enough to keep Eddie’s attention, though his eyes flicked down to the mattress where Buck’s hands laid, trembling against it.

 Without really thinking about it, Eddie reached his hands out to cover Buck’s with them, stilling the shaking almost instantly; it was as if it were instinct for the both of them.

“I-I lost him Ed-die”, Buck said, repeating the words Eddie had heard not all that long ago.

Eddie took Buck’s hands fully in his then, squeezing them reassuringly.

“You saved him. That’s how he remembers it.”

It was how Eddie would remember it too.

Buck’s lips began to tremble then, his hands starting up a similar motion once more. Eddie rubbed his thumbs soothingly back and forth across the tops of Buck’s hands, watching as Buck took in a deep breath, letting Eddie’s touch settle him.

“You-you’re not-not mad?”

Why the hell would he be mad?

“Buck, a natural disaster happened. You did everything you could to save my son. How could I be mad at you for that?”

Buck hadn’t gotten the chance to tell him any of their ‘adventures’ yet, but he didn’t have to; Eddie knew Buck would go to any lengths to save those he cared about, Chris nearing the top of that list.

“I’m sorry Eds.”

Eddie wasn’t exactly sure what Buck was apologizing for, but it seemed like more than just today’s events. He hadn’t been having the best go of things since his leg injury, not wanting to be in the company of others. It was why Eddie had taken Chris over there to begin with, hoping his son could cheer his Buck up. Eddie never met anyone who couldn’t be cheered up by one of his son’s award-winning smiles.

Buck didn’t say anything else, though he gave a light squeeze to Eddie’s fingers, interlocking them as he went. Eddie used the new grip to pull Buck closer, looking right into those tear-stricken blues.

“Buck, there’s no one else in this world I trust with my son more than you.”

Even if Buck hadn’t quite accepted the words in that moment, Eddie still meant them; he just hadn’t known to what extent until months later, when he would finally set them in stone.

~

2

After the tsunami incident, they didn’t talk a whole lot about it, or really any of the events surrounding it, namely the hand-holding part. Eddie never planned on holding Buck’s hands, never planned on it meaning more to him than he’d ever be willing to admit; he certainly hadn’t planned on doing it a second time.

Eddie was stuck, or rather trapped, below earth, about forty feet deep. No biggie. He was completely fine. It wasn’t like there was a downpour above him, filling in the hole they’d spent hours to dig, Eddie only sinking further. Because of this, his teammates had no way to get to him, and there was no signal for his radio in sight. Yea, he was fine.

He struggled to come to, hoping the moisture on his forehead was simply from the water, and not blood from whatever he’d hit his head on; he knew it was the latter, though he pretended anyway. It wasn’t like he’d had many options down there.

Couldn’t anyone here him? He was still alive down there dammit!

With nothing else to do, and no other options in sight, Eddie did what he had to. He took in a deep breath before pressing forward, memories of everyone he loved flashing through his head.

There was of course his family, the happy memories he’d shared with Shannon, tons of Christopher, followed closely by his found family at the 118. Then there was Buck. Buck who had essentially come out of nowhere and just fit with him, Chris too. If Eddie was going to die down here, at least he knew his son would still have his Buck.

When he finally surfaced, Eddie gasped as he took in the fresh air, laughing a little manically at how the storm had finally turned to a slight trickle. He was too far away from the others for them to notice him, too far to receive their help.

Using every last ounce of strength he had, Eddie pulled himself forward, all but dragging himself out of the water and onto the land. His feet felt heavy, his body weighted as he pushed himself forward, too breathless to call out to anybody.

He moved toward the neon orange and yellow, not stopping until they were stood just before him. It was when he saw the pair of icy blues that he let himself collapse, falling to his knees as he took in the sight of his best friend, the one person that always made him feel safe, home.

After Hen and Chim looked him over, they insisted he get checked out at the hospital, the two fussing over him for a bit more. When it was time for them to head out, Eddie almost lets his hazy mind take over, letting something ridiculous slip out like: ‘can Buck come with me?’ He was able to refrain, giving his best friend a reassuring smile instead; well, he hoped it was anyway.

The hospital stay wasn’t long thankfully, the doctor releasing him within a few hours with instructions to keep warm and intake lots of liquids. Eddie planned to do both as soon as he got home and had Christopher in his arms. Bobby provided Eddie with a ride home, the captain wanting to make sure he was doing ok. Eddie was grateful for it, really, he just wished a certain curly blond someone would’ve been there instead.

With his mind a foggy mess, his thoughts honed in on seeing his son, Eddie completely missed the silver jeep in his driveway, nearly crashing into Buck who opened the door at the same time Eddie pressed into it.

“Buck—you’re here.”

“Yea-I—I uh didn’t want Chris to be alone. In case um, in case you had to stay. I told Carla I could take over.”

In case they hadn’t let Eddie go…in case things had been more serious.

Something inside Eddie stirred then. Without being prompted, Buck had come to Christopher to make sure his son wouldn’t be alone in the event that he didn’t come home, or that his injuries would’ve been deemed more serious. Buck could’ve come to the hospital to wait on Eddie, or simply have gone home, but instead he’d come here, to make himself available to Chris.

Eddie couldn’t help but to pull Buck to him, wrapping his best friend in a tight hug, basking in his warmth. It would’ve been wholly comforting if not for Buck’s quavering hands over his back.

Eddie pulled back cautiously, taking in Buck for the first time that night. His blues were hazy, tears pooling in them, those hands of his shaking at his sides, almost like the time before.

Taking them in his own, Eddie brought them up between them, lacing their fingers together.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Buck looked down like he always did when he was trying to avoid Eddie, biting at his lower lip.

“I-I—you were gone. I thought—I thought we lost you Eds.”

The last part was almost a whisper, Eddie barely catching it when Buck’s lips began to tremble too.

Taking their intertwined fingers, Eddie brought one of Buck’s hands up to his neck, placing it right over his pulse point. He placed his own hand over Buck’s, applying a light pressure.

“I’m here Buck. I’m ok.”

Buck nodded, though he didn’t remove his hand, moving closer to Eddie still.

“I-I couldn’t get to you. They-they wouldn’t let me come down to you.”

“Yea, well they probably didn’t want two cut lines.”

Buck looked up to him then, something knowing in his eyes, though he didn’t elaborate. Eddie made similar motions to the last time he’d been this close to Buck, rubbing his hand over Buck’s wrist, soaking up his warmth. It was then that Eddie realized how rough Buck’s hands felt, like they were covered in something other than callouses. Granted, he’d only held Buck’s hands one time, though he’d felt the weight of their touch too many times for them not to be familiar.

Lifting the hand that wasn’t still placed over his neck, Eddie moved Buck’s opposite into his direct eyeline, frowning when he caught sight of all the dirt, the substance pushed deep under Buck’s nails. Buck tried to pull back, though Eddie didn’t let him, willing Buck to look at him.

“I um, I wanted, needed to find you. I couldn’t-couldn’t let you be buried alive Eds.”

Buck had dug at the dirt and mud with his bare hands, trying to find Eddie. His bare hands, and nothing else.

Oh.

“You’re shivering.”

Was he?

“I’m just cold. I’m ok Buck, promise.”

They stayed as they were for what felt like forever, though not nearly enough at the same time. Eddie wanted to pull Buck into a hug, to crush their bodies so tightly together that he couldn’t figure out where one of them started and the other ended, but he knew he couldn’t. He’d never be able to pull away; he wanted Buck close, always.

When they did finally part, Eddie kept hold of one of Buck’s hands, tugging him down the hall and into Christopher’s room. They stood by his bed, hand in hand, watching his even breaths fade in and out. It wasn’t until then that Eddie noticed Buck’s hands had stopped shaking.

Buck stayed that night, out on the couch; it took everything in Eddie not to curl up with him.

Just like last time, Buck had been there, not just for him, but for Chris too. Eddie didn’t take anything concerning his son lightly, especially those that cared for him. It got him thinking, thinking about how many near-death experiences he’d had. If something were to happen to him, permanently, Chris would need someone, someone who would always be there for him. Someone like his Buck.

~

3

Not that the universe screamed or anything, thank you very much, but Buck’s hands kept ending up in his. It was never anything planned, just something that happened, Eddie unable to stop himself from reaching out; Buck never pulled away.

They were on the way back from Abuela’s, Chris telling Eddie all about his presentation he had for the next day. Eddie made a mental note to send Buck a picture of the final project before they whisked it away to school in the morning; he’d helped Chris with the lot of it, Eddie standing by fondly watching them.

Eddie pulled into his drive, cutting the engine before climbing out, opening the back to hand Chris his crutches. While Chris headed toward the house, Eddie grabbed the leftovers, carefully arranging them before following Chris.

“Buck!”

Buck?

Sure enough, sitting slumped on his porch was Buck, his blues looking somewhere far away, anger laced in them.

“Hey buddy, why don’t you go inside. We’ll be in in a few, ok?”

Chris nodded, stopping to pat Buck on the shoulder as he went, whispering something that only Buck could hear, a slight smile splaying across the man’s face before he thanked Chris.

When it was just the two of them, Eddie looked Buck over, bending down to his level as he crouched to the ground in front of him.

“Two dinners with my parents, and I’m twelve years old again!”

Eddie didn’t know much about the Buckley’s, only that Buck tensed up anytime his parents were brought up, and that he’d been dreading this dinner all week.

Buck wouldn’t look at him, couldn’t see past his anger. Eddie watched as Buck tried to bring his hands up to place his head in, but he couldn’t, not with the way they were trembling.

It had almost become a second nature to Eddie now, his hands reaching to take Buck’s in his automatically. Buck seemed so far away that he didn’t even notice at first, not acknowledging Eddie’s grip until Eddie squeezed their hands together, willing Buck to look at him.

“I-I—maybe I shouldn’t have yelled at them.”

It was evident then that Buck was trying to creep in on himself, fighting between the man he had become and the boy trapped inside him that had been hurt so badly.

“Did you say anything that wasn’t true?”

Those blues look up to him then, the ones that were now pooled with moisture, Buck’s hands shaking in his hold once more.

“N-no—but”

“Maybe you could’ve come at it a little differently, but if that’s how you feel, how they made you feel, then you have every right to say so.”

A heavy sigh slipped out of Buck, one that was filled with irritation.

“They didn’t—she asked what they were supposed to do, because you know, they weren’t—weren’t around…”

Absent. Chim’s words from earlier echoed in Eddie’s ears.

“And what did you say?”

Buck looked down again, his fingers fidgeting in Eddie’s grasp until Eddie laced them together, watching as Buck visibly relaxed in his hold.

“I-I told them to love me anyway.”

Eddie had to keep his own hands from shaking then. He didn’t understand how anyone wouldn’t, couldn’t, just love Buck the way that he was. Yes, he was often a pain in the ass, but Eddie loved him in spite of that. He loved him anyway, and, oh.

Giving their linked hands another squeeze, Eddie placed his knees on the concrete, letting himself fall to Buck’s position, their knees pressing together. He didn’t want to reveal all of himself, though he needed Buck to know, needed Buck to know that he mattered, all of him.

“Hey, Chris and I love you, and I know Maddie does too. We love all of you. That’s your parents’ loss if they don’t.”

Buck pulled in his bottom lip, biting at it as he went, Eddie refraining from reaching out to pull it free with a swipe of his thumb.

“Parents suck, right?”

A choked off laugh came out of Buck then, one that was almost a snort with the snot filled in his nose, a single tear falling from his eye. Eddie couldn’t resist that time, reaching up with a set of their conjoined hands, brushing the tear away. Buck shivered for the touch, though he didn’t pull away, his fingers only clasping onto Eddie tighter.

“C’mon, let’s go inside. We can tell Chris one of those cautionary tales of yours.”

Another laugh slipped out of Buck then, one that sounded more genuine. Eddie used his hold on Buck to pull him up, keeping one of their hands linked as he walked them into the house, guiding them down the hall and into Christopher’s room.

They took their usual seats on the bed, Eddie by Chris’ head while Buck sat lower near his feet. Without being prompted, Buck went right into telling one of his stories, a light smile replacing his frown, the one that was always brought out by Christopher.

Buck was about halfway through the story when Eddie began to notice him fidgeting with his hands, picking at the skin by his nails. Eddie reached out for one of Buck’s hands, placing it over his, trapping Buck’s hand between it and the mattress below. Buck looked over to him with a soft smile, continuing on with his story.

“You look sad, Buck.”

Buck paused his storytelling, looking down to Chris as he bit at his lips.

“I um, I was buddy, but your—” Buck looked over to Eddie quickly before turning back to Chris. “I can’t be sad around my two favorite Diaz boys.” Buck leaned forward to pinch at Chris’ side, making the boy squirm and giggle, the sight warming Eddie’s heart.

They each told Chris goodnight, making sure he was snuggly tucked in before exiting the room, closing the door softly behind them.

Buck lingered in the hallway, looking down to the ground like he was afraid to meet Eddie’s gaze, like he was afraid to leave.

“It’s late, why don’t you stay tonight?”

Buck looked up to him then, those blues all but piercing right into Eddie.

“I um, I shouldn’t. The uh, my back won’t thank me at work tomorrow after sleeping on the couch.”

“So sleep in my bed.”

The words were out before Eddie could stop them, the two of them stood staring at each other, unmoving.

“I, I um—you-you wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not.”

Before Eddie could talk him out of it, or let the awkwardness continue to linger, he reached for Buck’s hand, taking it in his, leading him down the hall and into his room. Eddie went to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweats and a worn t-shirt, handing them off to Buck before grabbing his own set. They undressed silently, both used to it from the station, though something about this felt more intimate, more real.

Eddie climbed into the bed first, pulling back the covers as he went. When Buck stayed as he was, Eddie patted the empty space next to him, beckoning Buck to join him.

There was another moment of hesitation before Buck slid in next to him, laying awkwardly on his back. Eddie turned on his side, looking Buck over, watching as those fingers of his tapped against the mattress. He slid his fingers across the space between them, brushing them ever so softly over Buck’s. “Hey, don’t let them win, ok? You matter Buck, so much.”

Buck turned to face him then, linking his fingers with Eddie’s.

“I just, I feel so—broken.”

Yea, Eddie knew the feeling.

“I’ve been through several of your software updates Buck, and I didn’t think you needed any of them. You’ve always been enough just being you.”

Another tear slipped out of Buck’s blues, Eddie reaching up to brush it away. Buck leaned into his touch, letting Eddie tug him closer until there wasn’t any space between them. Eddie held onto Buck, letting him bury his face into the crook of his neck, Buck sniffling as he went.

“Hey, what did Chris say to you, earlier I mean?”

Buck mumbled into him, Eddie just making out the words.

“You’re gonna be ok kid.”

They were the same ones Chris had whispered to him on the pier, Buck telling Eddie one day months after the incident. He loved his kid so damn much.

Eddie had gotten used to holding Buck’s shaking hands, though not his trembling body; he hoped he’d never have to. Wrapping his arms around Buck, he rubbed soothingly until the man settled, eventually drifting to sleep in his hold.

If there came a time when Eddie couldn’t hold onto his best friends’ hands, he hoped someone else would be there to do it for him, someone who meant just as much to Buck.

~

4

Buck’s hands had been steady over his, his voice desperate and pleading. Eddie never thought he’d get to hold those shaking hands again, watching as his best friend had all but broke right in front of him; the last thing Eddie remembered was his best friends face spattered in red.

Buck could hardly breathe as he entered the house, the all too familiar scent and sights surrounding him nearly suffocating him. He didn’t want to be there, but he had to be; Chris needed him.

He was barely able to give Carla a half nod as he made his way down the hall and into Christopher’s room, pausing just in the doorway. It felt like his limbs were weak, like he couldn’t feel anything while simultaneously feeling everything.

“Hey Buck.”

Christopher didn’t even look up from his device, completely enthralled in his video game; Buck hardly had the heart to take his innocence away.

“H-hey buddy.”

He was already stuttering, his lips trembling as he tried to hold himself together.

“Where’s dad?”

There it was, the question Buck had been hoping to avoid, though knew he couldn’t.

Stepping further into the room, Buck moved toward the bed, taking a seat on the edge next to Chris. When he didn’t say anything for a minute, Christopher put his game down, giving his full attention to Buck.

“Your dad um, he’s not-not coming home tonight.”

“He has to work late?”

God Buck wished.

“N-no, not-not exactly.”

Buck took in a shaky breath, not knowing how to gather such words for what he had to say. How the hell was he supposed to tell his best friend’s kid, the one that felt so much like his own, that his dad had been shot…that he might never wake up?

“He um, he got hurt today at work.”

“In a fire?”

Again, Buck wished. They’d had plenty of close calls with fires sure, though Buck would’ve taken his chances with the knowing flames against the unknowing sniper.

“Um no, not-not in a fire.” Buck tried to pinch at the bridge of his nose, though he couldn’t quite get a tight grasp. “Uh the truth is…someone hurt your dad.”

“On purpose?”

“Uh yea, yea I think so.”

Chris asked if it was a bad guy, Buck not knowing how else to answer other than shaking his head in agreement.

“But the doctors will fix him, right? Like-like they did with you?”

He couldn’t lie to Chris, couldn’t give him false hope, though he didn’t want to scare him either.

“Your dad, he’s—he’s tough as nails, right?”

Christopher nodded in agreement, asking a few more questions about what was going to happen; Buck hated that he didn’t have the answers.

The room seemed to get smaller and smaller with every passing moment, Buck all too aware of the ticking clocks in the house, the muted hum of electronics thumping against his already pounding head. When his phone buzzed, Buck nearly jumped out of his body, looking over to Chris sympathetically before turning his attention to the text.

Bobby: ‘out of surgery. Doctors say everything went well.’

The phone slipped from his grip without a thought, Buck’s eyes welling with tears as he let out a guttural sob; Eddie was ok, he was safe.

He all but forgot Chris was there until small hands come over his, squeezing them gently.

“It’s gonna be ok, Buck.”

How the hell was this kid always so strong?

Buck let himself break, right there in front of Chris, the kid he loved so damn much, the one he would always be there for.

When Buck was finally able to gather himself, he looked at his hands that were still held firmly in Chris’, a certain familiarity to the grasp.

“They were shaking.”

Buck looked up to Chris, not quite understanding, though Chris just shrugged his shoulders absently.

“I saw dad hold your hands when they were shaking, so I thought I could help too.”

Oh.

“Thanks—thank you Chris. You helped me; you always do.”

When Buck leaned closer, Chris fell right into him, their arms wrapping around each other automatically. The hold wasn’t quite like the one from Eddie, though the familiarness of it helped; the Diaz boys really held a special place in his heart, in his hands.

~

Ever since Eddie woke up in the hospital he’d been in a daze, a rush of doctors and nurses in and out. The best day had been when he got to facetime Chris, Buck right by his side.

Although he’d been happy to have Buck near him, Eddie couldn’t help but to feel a sadness; how could Buck think his life was worth so little?

‘I think it would’ve been better for him if it’d been me who got shot.’

Eddie was waiting not so patiently for him now, the man supposed to pick him up from the hospital so he could finally go home. Buck had been staying with Christopher this whole time, something Eddie hadn’t even had to ask; it only made his decision more affirmative in his mind.

“Ok, uh, nurse is getting your meds and discharge papers ready, then we can get out of here.”

As Buck moved to gather his things, Eddie beckoned him toward the bed.

“Hey, since we’ve got a minute—”

“Is everything alright?”

He adored Buck, really.

“Yea, yea. I’ve just been meaning to talk to you about something.”

It was now or never.

Buck looked like he was ready to flee the room, immediately on edge as he fidgeted around until finally taking the spot next to Eddie.

“Are you ok? Is-is something else wrong?”

Of course Buck would be worried about him; Eddie could hardly keep his feelings back these days.

“No, no everything’s fine.” Well as fine as it could be.

Taking a deep breath, Eddie willed himself to let his secret out, the one he’d been keeping to himself since last year.

“So, as you may have noticed, I almost died—again.”

Buck gave him a serious look, one that said ‘that’s not even remotely funny.’ Eddie wasn’t trying to be, he was just giving himself time, stalling really.

“Well after the last time—”

“Yea, Eddie—”

“Just let me finish.”

Buck sat back almost unwillingly, though he let Eddie continue on.

“After the last time, it got me thinking…what would’ve happened to Christopher if I hadn’t?”

Buck furrowed his eyebrows, though he didn’t interrupt.

“So, I went to my attorney and changed my will. So someday, if I uh, didn’t make it, Christopher would be taken care of, by you.”

Eddie could all but see the wheels in Buck’s head spinning, the thousands of questions he no doubt had pinging all around.

“W-what?”

Ok, apparently, he was really going to have to spell this out for the man.

“It’s in my will that if I die, you become Christopher’s legal guardian.”

“Uh…how-how does that even work? Don’t you—don’t you need my consent?”

Eddie simply shrugged, not looking away from Buck and those panicked stricken blues.

“My attorney said you could refuse.”

“You know I wouldn’t.”

It wasn’t a question, but rather a statement, one they both already knew the answer to.

Buck asked about other family, but it wasn’t what Eddie wanted; he hadn’t wanted it when Shannon passed, and he certainly didn’t want it now.

“No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you. That is what I want for him.”

Eddie watched as Buck looked around them, then down at his lap, not quite meeting Eddie with his next question.

“Well, you said you did this last year. Why are you just telling me now?”

Eddie couldn’t help but to notice Buck’s hands, the ones that were always so animated, so strong and loving, yet unsteady now, fluttering up and down almost unconsciously at this point. Reaching out to take them in his own, Eddie brushed his thumb lightly over the curve in Buck’s hand, willing them to still; it wasn’t until he spoke that Buck finally looked up to meet him, those blues never looking so radiant.

“Because, Evan. You walked in here the other day and you said you thought it would’ve been better if it had been you who was shot.”

Buck didn’t look away from him, couldn’t.

“You act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.”

Those blues looked so deeply into Eddie’s, Buck’s grip tightening as he laced their fingers together, finally looking down to their tangled hands and away from Eddie.

“It wasn’t you the last time.”

Eddie furrowed his brows together, willing Buck to look at him once more.

“What wasn’t me last time?”

Buck took their linked fingers, raising them up into the space between them.

“Chris, he uh, when I was trying to explain to him what happened, he did the same thing to me…took-took my shaky hands in his. He uh, he said he saw you do it and that he wanted to help too.”

God his kid was incredible.

“And did it?”

Buck gave a squeeze of his fingers, tightening their hold once more.

“Yea. It was like-like having a part of you with me, like I could feel your touch through his. I don’t wanna lose you Eds…ever.”

Eddie couldn’t promise him that, and Buck knew it, though Eddie had to do something to reassure him.

Taking both of Buck’s hands between his, Eddie covered Buck in his touch, looking deep into those piercing blues.

“I’ve always got your back, no matter what. Don’t ever forget that, ok?”

Buck nodded as he leaned forward, resting his forehead against Eddie’s, hands still tucked between Eddie’s.

“Ok.”

Eddie hated having to act on that promise in dangerous situations, but he’d meant his words ever since the first uttered them, and today still. No matter what, they always had each other’s backs.

~

5

Each time Eddie held Buck’s hands tenderly between his own, he imagined it’d be the last, never thinking it more than now.

Eddie should’ve known when they got the call to the prison that things weren’t going to end well. He especially realized this once Buck got pistol whipped, all in the name of protecting their, his son.

They were in the back of the ambulance, Eddie working on the patient while Buck handed the things off he called out for. Mitchell, the convict that was keeping them as hostages, continued to hold them at gunpoint, demanding they fix the guy he and his buddy had nearly killed in the process of escaping.

As Buck passed off the bougie that would help with the intubation process, Eddie watched as his blues landed on the gun pointed at them, wide and alert, his hands unsteady as he passed off the piece of equipment. It took everything Eddie had not to take Buck’s hands in his. It wasn’t the time or place; not if they both wanted to get out of here alive.

When they found themselves at the hospital minutes later, Buck looked over to him, Eddie just as confused. The unofficial driver exited the ambulance, coming round the back to open the doors, announcing that they were in the clear to move.

Mitchell approved, aiming the gun toward Eddie as he said, “alright, pretty boy stays with me.” He pointed his opposite hand out to Buck, adding, “Dom, you and the kid take our friend inside.”

Eddie hated the plan immediately; he could all but feel Buck tensing up beside him. Buck tried to reason with them, but Mitchell wasn’t having it, his tone no-nonsense. “Just go or I’ll shoot you. Or better yet, I shoot him and then I find his kid and I shoot him too.”

“Buck.”

Buck turned as Eddie called out his name, Eddie looking up from the patient to meet his gaze. Something like fear was laced in those blues, though not for himself.

With a slight nod of hesitation, Buck finally stood, following the other man out, the two of them pushing the gurney along, Eddie staying as he was.

Eddie was no stranger to having a gun pointed at him. Yes, he realized that was an issue, though that was for a later time; for now, he needed to focus his attention on Mitchell, on getting out of here alive.

Mitchell wanted to save his son and Eddie understood that, thought it was noble even, but this wasn’t the way. He tried to convince him to turn himself in, that they could find another way to save his son—Mitchell agreed, or at least, Eddie thought he had.

The next several minutes were a blur to Eddie, the gun ringing out behind him as Mitchell shot himself, Buck suddenly in front of him calling out his name over and over again. Eddie gave Buck a once over before shouting out that they needed to prep the OR, Buck taking off after Eddie all but begged him to get a move on it.

It wasn’t any of their decisions, though Eddie hoped Mitchell’s son got a second chance, one he deserved.

After talking with Mitchell’s ex about the kid, Eddie made his way to the waiting room, his eyes instantly landing on Buck, his 6’2” stature crammed into one of those uncomfortable chairs, long legs spread out in front of him. To anyone else, Buck would’ve looked relaxed, maybe a little tired, though Eddie could see those fingers of his fidgeting, tapping anxiously over his broad thighs.

No one was sat next to him, Bobby and Athena engaged in their own conversation, Hen looking something up on her phone while Ravi flipped through a magazine.

Eddie made his way over to Buck, taking the empty seat beside him, Buck instantly sitting up and looking over to him.

“Are-are you ok? Are you hurt? Did Mitchell do something to you?”

Eddie couldn’t resist the urge any longer as he placed his hands into the space between them, covering Buck’s shaking hands with his own.

“Hey, I’m ok. Nothing happened to me, promise.”

Buck let out a sigh of relief, closing his eyes before opening them again.

“Eddie I-I thought I lost you…again. I-I heard the gunshot, and-and I—”

Eddie let his thumb rub soothingly over the back of Buck’s hand, encouraging him to settle. The gunshot had spooked him, and Eddie completely understood, especially with what happened last time they both heard that sound.

“I know, I know, but I’m ok Ev, promise.” Buck looked up to him then, something tender and promising in his blues, Eddie unable to look away. “Besides, I’m not the one who got hurt.”

Lifting one hand off Buck’s, Eddie reached up to the spot between Buck’s hairline and birthmark, brushing a thumb over the mark that had been left from the pistol whipping. Buck tensed a little for the pain, though he leaned into Eddie’s touch. If Eddie let his finger fall a little lower to brush over Bucks’ birthmark, then that was between him and the hospital walls.

They didn’t pull apart until they heard a clearing of throats, their teammates giving them pointed looks before they turned to the mom who announced that everything had gone over smoothly with the surgery, thanking them wholly.

Standing from his chair, Eddie held a hand out to Buck.

“C’mon kid, let’s go home to our son.”

Buck took his outstretched hand, linking them together once more.

“Lead the way pretty boy.”

When they got home, well, back to Eddie’s, they moved silently through the still house, slipping into Christopher’s room where he laid half asleep.

Eddie moved to lay next to him, Buck taking his spot towards the end. Chris’ tired little eyes opened as he looked between the two of them, a smile creasing over his face.

“Dad? Buck?”

“Yea,” they breathed out in unison.

“Are you guys ok?”

Eddie answered for them both, looking fondly down to his son.

“Yea, just um…I’m really glad you’re my kid.”

Chris looked over to him with a shake of his head.

“You’re weird dad.”

Buck nodded his head in agreement, placing his hands between the two of them.

“Like the weirdest.”

The two of them giggled together, the sound calming Eddie for the first time in hours.

He reached out to take one of Buck’s hands in his, Chris watching his movements and quickly doing the same. Buck visibly relaxed in their hold, the three of them snuggling in for just a little longer.

Eddie knew what it felt like to hold Buck’s shaking hands in his, he just never knew Buck would need to return the favor.

~

+1

You see, Eddie knew what it was like to hold his best friends’ hands in his, the way they trembled, jittery in his grasp, Eddie squeezing and brushing them reassuringly until they stilled, Buck relaxing in his grip. What he didn’t know, was how it felt to have his own hands held, the one’s that had been trembling so bad with fear that he hadn’t even realized it, not until he felt the warm and reassuring grip of his best friend.

Things had been—tense. Ever since Eddie decided to take a step back from the team, he’d found himself working in dispatch as a public service officer…basically a fancy name for running the LAFD twitter account. He hated it; absolutely fucking hated it.

Sure, he loved the friendships he’d made with May and Linda—he could do without Josh’s attitude—but the job lacked any real sense of purpose; he felt so useless these days. He’d all but told Buck to move on, though from what, he wasn’t exactly sure.

They’d been building to something more for so long now, though neither of them seemed to want to cross that line, the invisible one that stood between them and everything they’d ever wanted. Just like any of his other feelings that were too personal, Eddie kept them bottled up. He couldn’t be weak, needed to be strong for Christopher.

Therapy had been going—slowly. Frank told him that he needed to talk about the pain, share it with someone who’d experienced it with him. Eddie should’ve just kept to himself like he always had; things were simpler that way.

They were dead. All of them. Everyone that he’d saved. Dead, gone. They weren’t ever coming back.

He couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe, his fear and anger all but consuming him as he let everything out, destroying anything in sight. What was the point? He’d saved them all, but not really. They’d all ended up dying anyway, Eddie unable to do anything to stop it.

Eddie had no idea when he’d grabbed the baseball bat, or how his room had become such a wreck, everything lain strewn about, the walls covered in scratches and holes. All he knew was that they were gone, and he was alone, again. Except he wasn’t. Chris was somewhere in the house, Buck’s stunned blue eyes sat in front of him.

“They’re all dead.”

It was all he could think about, all he could say.

“Who’s all dead?”

“Everybody that I saved.”

Buck understood without Eddie having to explain, the two of them having had several conversations about his army days in the past.

“They’re all dead. They’re all dead. They’re all dead.”

He said it like a mantra, like it was the only thing he knew, his mind unable to think of anything else other than the dark realizations that had brought him to the floor in the first place. He knew his face was covered in snot and tears, his hands still clenched tightly around the bat. Something told him he should be embarrassed, ashamed even, but he couldn’t pretend—not with Buck.

As he gripped the bat tighter, his entire body shook with dread, his mouth all but seething as he uttered the shocking words once more.

~

Eddie wasn’t sure how he’d made it to the dining room, or where the bat had gone, but Buck was back now, worry evident in his voice as he spoke to Chris.

“Is he ok?”

How was Eddie ever going to forgive himself for scaring Christopher like that?

There was a heavy sigh from Buck, one Eddie wasn’t quite sure how to interpret.

“I mean, he’s still scared out of his mind.” Buck went to sit at the table, Eddie finally turning to meet him as Buck finished his thought. “He’s not the only one.”

Great. Not only had Eddie scared his kid, but his best friend too. Lovely.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare him.” Didn’t mean to scare you.

Eddie sniffled, still unable to control his emotions. Moving to sit at the table, Eddie let out a shaky breath, pressing his hands over his face.

“Just kind of…. lost it.”

“Why?”

It wasn’t until Eddie opened his eyes that he realized how close Buck had gotten. His hands had been pulled away from his face and were now held firmly in Buck’s grasp. Huh.

“I was supposed to…reach out to some of the people I served with. Part of my therapy.”

Buck looked to him with furrowed brows, though he didn’t pull away, Eddie continuing to let his limp hands stay folded into Bucks’

“Ok. I uh-I didn’t know you still kept in touch with any of them.”

He hadn’t; maybe that was the real problem.

Eddie went on to tell Buck about all of his teammate’s tragic deaths, the ones that he couldn’t have done anything about, but still felt like he should’ve. Buck didn’t judge him, didn’t pull away, just sat and listened to Eddie, those blues of his never drifting far.

“I pulled them out. But I didn’t save them.”

Eddie was a mess of tears once more, Buck’s grip tightening on him as he threaded their fingers together, brushing his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles, a sudden sting of pain there.

“So that’s why you took a baseball bat to everything you own?”

It wasn’t a question, but Eddie felt like he owed Buck an answer anyway. Not because Buck needed it, but because Eddie needed to let go; he needed to let someone in.

“I’m afraid.”

“Ok.” Buck’s voice was gentle as ever, no judgement laced in it. “Ok, well, what are you afraid of?”

It was the same question Frank had been asking him, the one Eddie had been swiftly avoiding during their sessions. Though now with Buck here in front of him, Eddie already having splayed himself wide open, he couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“That I’m never gonna feel normal again.”

There was nothing said between them for a beat, Buck eventually using his hold on Eddie to pull him up and off the chair, leading him into the spare bathroom. Buck motioned for him to sit on the closed toilet seat, moving to the cabinet to grab a washcloth, soaking it in warm water.

When Buck sauntered back over to him, reaching for one of his hands, Eddie let him take it, wincing when Buck placed the warm cloth over his knuckles. It was then he realized where the holes in his wall had come from, his knuckles bloody and battered.

“Why-why did you grab my hands earlier?”

It had been bothering Eddie ever since. Not that Buck had done so, but he wanted, needed, to know why.

Buck kept up his ministrations, rubbing over the bruised skin, cleaning them gently as he went.

“They were shaking.”

Oh.

They hadn’t ever talked about it, the way Eddie always held Buck’s trembling hands, though apparently he’d taken notice, doing the same for Eddie in turn.

“Thank you.” Eddie’s voice cracked, coming out as more of a whisper, Buck squeezing his hand where his fingers rested.

“Just returning the favor.”

Even if Buck wouldn’t admit it, Eddie knew it was more than that; they both did.

“Hey.” Eddie used the hand Buck wasn’t holding to reach it toward him, placing it over the crook in his arm, giving a slight press of his hand.

“You don’t have to pretend with me.”

They were the same words Buck had used on him not long ago, Eddie not ready to hear them at the time.

“I’m scared Eddie. Everything-everything’s been so off lately. I don’t—I can’t lose you too.”

Eddie was up in an instant, pulling out of Buck’s grasp so he could tug his best friend closer, burying his face in the space between Buck’s neck and shoulder, breathing in his favorite scent.

“I’m not going anywhere Buck, promise. I have your back, remember?”

He’d been doing a shitty job of showing that lately, but he wanted to work on it; he was ready to work through things rather than push them away.

Buck suddenly took Eddie’s hands back in his, bringing them up to his face, placing Eddie’s hands under his. They were stood close, closer than they’d ever been before, the two of them all but sharing one breath. Eddie wanted to lean in and close the distance, though he wasn’t ready; he still didn’t feel quite like himself.

“Thanks for holding my hands. You know, for um, for returning the favor.”

Buck gave one of his award-winning smiles then, one that instantly had Eddie feeling lighter.

“Always. You don’t even have to ask.”

And that was both the best and worst thing about being in love with his best friend. Buck knew him better than Eddie sometimes knew himself, reaching out to hold Eddie when he hadn’t even realized how unsteady he was.

Eddie let himself be held, let the comforting touch of Buck soothe him, knowing that he would return the favor one day. Next time, Eddie wouldn’t let go.

~

+1 (x2)

It had been a rough year to say the least, especially for Eddie. He’d been putting all his efforts in to work through his trauma, letting his feelings slip to the surface as he went. Buck seemed to be having a go of it to, though he seemed alright overall, still going to therapy and working through his past as well. In the end though, everyone eventually broke, Eddie knowing that all too well.

The day had started like most of them as of late, Eddie waltzing into the dispatch center with a plastered-on smile. He was getting used to it, he was, though something still felt off; he wasn’t quite home yet.

When Eddie had seen the maintenance guy down, noting the smoke after that, he knew the day was going to be anything but normal.

“This is firefighter Eddie Diaz. Metro Dispatch is on fire. I repeat, Metro Dispatch is on fire.”

Everything happened in a rush after that, Eddie getting to dress in turnout gear for the first time in months, Bobby partnering him up with Buck, the two of them working together seamlessly as ever. They’d managed to get the maintenance guy out without much issue, Eddie only having to give Buck one stern, yet fond, call of his name—the guy did not need to know about Buck choking up his own blood.

All seemed to be good, Eddie even hearing over the radio that they’d managed to get May and Claudette out; well, out of harm’s way of the fire anyhow.

“Mayday mayday. Captain Nash is down. I repeat, Captain Nash is down.”

The sound rang through their radios with a near chill, Buck moving toward the building before Eddie could even process what had been said. Eddie was on his tail in an instant; he would follow Buck anywhere, especially if it meant saving their family.

The roof had collapsed, leaving Bobby and May trapped under it, the 118 moving in sync to help unbury them. It took all their strength and effort, none of them pausing to take a break, clawing at the piles of cement beneath them.

When Bobby’s jacket came into view, they all held their breath, sighing with relief when Bobby finally stirred, producing May beneath him. While Hen and Chim made to help May, Eddie turned as Buck’s voice hollered out to him. “Eddie, over here!”

The two went to each side of Bobby, maneuvering their bodies to help him up, both of them keeping Bobby propped between them as they made their way out of the building. Hen took over once they were out of the collapsed structure, Eddie standing back to take it all in.

Linda said something about God having spoken, Eddie understanding her all too well. He wasn’t just physically ready to be Firefighter Diaz again, but mentally as well; maybe the universe did scream, after all.

Eddie went to go catch up with the rest of his teammates, though as he looked around, he noted his best friend was missing from the celebration. As Eddie turned to look around him, he spotted Buck almost immediately. He was stood there alone, face all but pale as he watched Hen fuss over Bobby. Shit.

Eddie was in front of Buck in an instant, though he couldn’t capture his attention, Buck lost in his own head, staring at the man that was practically his father, the one that he’d nearly just lost.

“Hey.” Eddie was soft with his tone, waiting for Buck to meet his gaze before continuing on.

Buck all but jumped out of his trance, sucking in a shaky breath before turning to meet Eddie, those blues pooled with moisture and fear.

“Hey, he’s gonna be ok. We saved him.”

Buck half nodded, though he didn’t seem convinced.

“Give me your hands.”

Eddie could’ve just taken them in his own, he knew, but he wanted it to mean something, wanted them to acknowledge that it meant so much more.

“I-I, I can’t.”

“Why?”

Buck tried to lift his hands then, Eddie watching as they trembled, the tears in his eyes finally falling as he all but choked out his next words.

“Be-because they’re shaking.”

“Then let me hold them so they don’t shake.”

Let me hold you, so you don’t break.

Buck held himself out willingly, Eddie taking those unsteady hands in his, clasping them firmly between his own before using the grip to pull Buck to him, pressing their bodies together.

“I-I can’t lose him Eds.”

“Shh, it’s ok baby. Everyone’s safe. Promise.”

Buck pressed his face into the crook of Eddie’s neck as he let himself fall apart, just as Eddie had done not all that long ago. Just as they’d promised, they had each other’s backs, always.

Eddie linked their fingers together, breathing his own sigh of relief for the contact, Buck’s touch never seeming to help calm and steady him.

Buck only untucked himself from Eddie when they began to take Bobby away, May following closely behind.

“C’mon, I’ll drive.”

Buck turned at his words, his face doing something unreadable. Eddie had no warning before Buck’s lips were crashing into his, Eddie drowning in a sea of blue. Buck kissed him with passion and tenderness, one that was almost like the way Eddie held his shaking hands, like he was returning the favor in a whole new way; Eddie didn’t mind.

“S-sorry. I’ve been uh, wanting to do that for a long time.”

Eddie laughed into their next kiss, pressing his lips to Buck’s once more before pulling away, letting his fingers reach up to brush over Buck’s soot covered mark.

“Yea, so have I.”

A bashful smile spread across Buck’s face as he ducked his head, though not before Eddie could claim another kiss.

Buck placed his hands into the space between them, Eddie taking them easily in his own. They were still a little unsteady, though for an entirely different reason now. When their eyes met, Buck’s smile warmed right through him, his words leaving Eddie a little breathless.

“You can hold my shaky hands any day.”

Slotting their fingers together properly, Eddie squeezed them reassuringly, breathing his next words right into Buck.

“Yea, or you could-you could hold mine.”