Archive of Our Own

"sometimes the long way is the only way home"— anonymous

NOW

The hum was back again, the sound that pierced through his ears, making him toss from side to side, Buck burying his head further into the pillow as he tried to escape it. His breathing was heavy and erratic, eyes opening to blurred surroundings, Buck closing them again as he leaned his head to the floor where he’d fallen during the night, trying to steady his breathing.

Once he was able to right himself, Buck grasped for the bed next to him, hoisting himself up, letting himself balance for a moment before taking a step forward, grabbing for the water on his nightstand and guzzling it down. His bare torso was slick with sweat, Buck feeling exhausted just from sleeping.

Even so, all he wanted was to crawl back into bed, but he couldn’t. He had a job to get to, one he hated more and more every day.

The sandwich making business wasn’t his first, second, or even third choice—it wasn’t even on his radar honestly—but it paid the bills. Well, mostly anyway. It was why Buck was desperate to get back to his actual job, the one that had been ripped away from him in mere seconds, Buck left with little to no help, on his own once again. The only other thing he’d ever been good at was drawing, but that was just a hobby, one that wasn’t going to get him very far.

As he went to take the trash out, Buck made the call, hoping for a different answer this time; he’d been rejected the last several.

He was trying to get in on the next tour, needing to know when to pack his bags and be ready.

“I’m sorry Mr. Buckley, but with your medical history, we can’t clear you for deployment.”

Buck tried to reason with the operator. “Yea, but I have a clean bill of health. I already sent it to you guys.”

While the operator sympathized, she stated that there was nothing they would do for him without a letter from his commanding officer.

It was always two steps forward for him, three steps back. You think he’d be used to it by now.

Sighing, Buck got on with his day, heading home after to change into his favorite hoodie. The scent no longer lingered, but it still brought him comfort, even though it shouldn’t have. He should’ve given it back a long time ago.

The winter air was cool around him, Buck shivering into his beanie as he made his way outside, picking up the axe as he went. Setting a smaller piece of wood up onto the stump of a tree trunk, Buck brought the axe back, swinging it down until the piece chopped in half. Creating firewood both helped with his being cold, while giving him something to occupy his mind. Swinging an axe around never hurt either.

Buck repeated the motion several times, having made a nice pile of firewood when his phone rang, Buck pausing as he saw the name flash across it. Bobby.

Bobby was his commanding officer, the one that treated Buck like he was his own kid more often than not. Buck hadn’t outright asked Bobby for the letter yet, not wanting to disappoint himself any sooner than necessary.

“Hey Bobby.”

“Buck, how are you?”

How was he? What a fucking loaded question that was.

“Uh, fine. What’s up Cap?”

It was a nickname Buck had come to call Bobby over time, Buck being one of the few allowed to do so.

“Listen kid, I don’t know if you’ve heard…. about Eddie that is.”

Eddie.

Buck’s arms instantly coated with goosebumps, the chill in the air having nothing to do with it.

“What um, what about him?”

There was silence on the other end for a moment, Bobby carefully picking out his next words.

“Well, there’s no real easy way to say this, but he’s missing. No one has seen or heard from him for a couple weeks now.”

Missing.

Bobby went on about how or where Eddie might’ve disappeared, Buck hearing none of it. His ears were always ringing these days, but there was a different kind of buzzing in his head now, one only one person had ever brought on.

“Buck, are you there kid?”

He was so far away, lost in everything that was, but never could be. He reached for the hoodie strings automatically, freezing when one of his fingers caught on them, tangling together. It was stupid really, the whole thing, but it made Buck’s heart swell, just like the day Eddie had put it there.

“Yea Cap, I’m here.”

~

THEN

Evan wasn’t built to be a machine; it simply wasn’t in his nature. Still, he’d found himself enlisting, wanting to get away from it all.

He would’ve never made it past day one if it weren’t for the pretty boy with brown eyes, the one he hated on sight. Eddie Diaz. The guy was built for the army, perfectly sculpted, chiseled jaw, ridged mannerisms, and an ass that Buck couldn’t seem to look away from, especially in those tight uniform pants. He hated him.

During their basic training, Eddie seemed to have some sort of upper hand, always knowing just what to do, leading them through every task or challenge, Evan falling somewhere in between. Evan was no slouch himself, had been the starting quarterback for football nearly every year, but he couldn’t seem to stand up to Eddie, no matter how hard he tried. He could’ve gone for a football scholarship, sure, but his grades had been shit, barely high enough to keep him on the team. School had never really been his thing, Evan doing an array of odd jobs before finally enlisting, needing something to keep him grounded.

Those first days, he told himself he was staying to prove his worth, that he could do it, that his parents were wrong about him. But then he actually started to like it; it helped that he had an even competitor. It might’ve taken Evan a little longer to learn, but once he did, he was right in line with Eddie, the two matching each other stride for stride.

He’d managed to avoid Eddie for the most part, the two not coming into close quarters until they were shipped out, right after base camp.

“I had this bunk first,” Evan said sharply as Eddie set his bag on the bed almost simultaneously.

Eddie raised his brows almost in challenge, Buck not faltering.

“You don’t get to have everything, Diaz.”

“What’re we measuring here, Buckley?”

Evan furrowed his brows, readying to retaliate when someone called out to him.

“Evan!”

Whipping his head around, he was quickly caught off guard, someone having called out to the other Evan on his team. He never got anything just for himself.

Evan tried not to let his distaste show as he turned back to the offending man, huffing out a sigh.

“Maybe you need a nickname,” Eddie suggested, Buck wishing he hated the notion more than he did.

“Because ‘Eddie’s’ such a clever nickname for Eduardo.”

“It’s Edmundo, actually.”

Oh.

Eddie looked to him for a moment, Evan suddenly feeling naked under those deep browns of his, the ones he wanted to melt right into.

“How about…” Eddie trailed off as he looked across Evan, stopping on his nametag.

“Buck.”

Buck.

Evan repeated the name in his head, once again willing up the power to hate it, when in fact he felt the exact opposite about it.

“Buck,” he repeated, wanting to try it out for himself.

“Fine, I-I don’t hate it.”

Eddie gave a genuine laugh, one he hadn’t remembered hearing before. Ev—Buck filed it away for later.

“Well Buck, if you wouldn’t mind moving your stuff so I can make up my bed…”

Buck wanted to argue, he did, but the fight went right out of him, and before he knew it, he was moving his stuff to the bed on the other side, the one that laid right next to Eddie’s.

It was easy for them to become friends after that. At least, it should have been.

~

NOW

The bar was full of all their teammates, ones Buck hadn’t seen in about a year or so now. There were the ones that ignored him, always seeming to see right through him, or rather blaming him for what had happened, Buck keeping to himself for the most part.

There were pictures and posters all around with Eddie’s face on them, Buck trying not to analyze them to spot all the things that had changed between when he’d last seen the man.

“Hey Buckaroo,” Hen said as she came up beside him, bringing him in for a hug, Chimney doing the same right after. “Hey kid, how are you?”

It was a loaded question, they all knew, Buck half smiling in answer.

They let it go, Hen commenting on the situation at hand instead.

“I can’t believe he’s just—gone.”

“Yea,” Chim agreed. “It’s like he just vanished or something. No one’s heard from him since.”

They talked on, everything becoming a rush of noise in Buck’s head. It had been difficult for Buck to concentrate these days, especially with all the different voices and bright lights around him.

“Have you heard from him?” Chim asked.

Buck turned to him, shaking his head out, still trying to grasp what Chim was asking, the man repeating his question.

“From Eddie, have you—have you talked to him?”

Talked? Buck hadn’t seen or talked to the guy for a year now. How the hell was he supposed to know where he was?

“No, I—we um, we don’t talk. Not, not anymore.”

There was a look exchanged between the two of them, one Buck couldn’t quite read. He shrugged it off, just as he did with everything else. Some things were better left buried.

“Well, uh, it was good to see you guys. Catch you later?”

They both nodded, squeezing his shoulder and patting his back before watching him go, Buck making his way straight for the bar where he promptly sat around the rest of the night, ignoring Bobby’s lingering looks toward him, sidling up with his teammates for the first time in months. It felt right, like he still belonged, but as always, there was someone in his way, holding him back. He chased alcohol with more alcohol, letting it bleed right into him.

Next thing Buck knew, he was being pulled from his jeep bed, landing on the harsh concrete below, the sun shinning bright above him. Maybe he should drink more often if this was how good he slept.

“Staff Sargent Buckley’s a total badass, huh?”

Shit, had he said that last night? Ok, maybe he shouldn’t be drinking, like ever.

“Hey uh, hey Cap.”

Bobby laughed, waving it off. “I figured I’d still find you here.”

He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not that his Cap knew just where to find him, passed out outside of the bar they’d visited last night. Yea, he really had to stop drinking.

“So, you um, you here to give me that letter?”

Bobby fixed him with a stare, one Buck could read all too well.

“You’re going to have to talk to your doctors about that one. We’ve already discussed this, Buck.”

“Yea I know, but, but I’ve got a clean bill of health! I sent it to you.”

“And how much did you pay to get that?”

Well, that wasn’t the point.

“C’mon Cap, I need this.”

He wasn’t beyond begging, not at this point. He needed the money, needed a purpose. He would do just about anything to get back in it.

Bobby sighed, looking Buck over once more. “Go get yourself ready. Meet me at Battalion in thirty.”

As Bobby began to walk away and back toward his truck, Buck hollered out to him. “Does that mean you’re gonna make the call?” Bobby didn’t say anything, simply kept walking, Buck calling out once more. “All the guys talk shit about you, but I always knew you had a heart of gold. I was like ‘not my captain. Nope’.”

Bobby didn’t appear amused, fixing Buck with another look, leaving him lying there, Buck happier than he’d felt in months. It wasn’t a yes yet, but he was getting there.

~

As Buck arrived on base, he looked around, suddenly reminded of all that’d been taken from him. Sure, it wasn’t what he’d initially wanted, but he’d adapted, overcame. These people had become his family, the only one he’d ever really had.

He walked the all too familiar path, Bobby greeting him upon entry. His teammates and others alike were littered all around, Buck greeting them as he went. Well, the ones that would talk to him anyway.

“So, are you uh, gonna interview me? See if I have any braincells left?”

Bobby looked over to Buck, furrowing his brows a tinge.

“Yea, something like that.”

“Well you know what I say cap. You say ‘jump’ I say ‘how high’.”

Bobby shook his head in that exasperated way he did whenever Buck was giving him grief, Buck ducking his head sheepishly.

As they rounded down the next hallway, Buck went to go left toward Bobby’s office, the older man turning the opposite direction.

“Uh isn’t your office that way?” Buck called out. Bobby kept walking, hollering back a simple, “sure is.”

Well Buck was certainly confused. He jogged to catch up to Bobby, now completely unsure of what he was doing here.

They came to the locker room, the one Buck was all too familiar with, Buck looking around solemnly. It was where they stored their stuff while out on duty, only taking the absolute necessities with them. Buck knew his locker was long empty, Bobby having had him clear it out months ago now.

Ravi, one of the newer recruits was bent down, clearing one of them out. Buck didn’t have to see the name to know who’s it was.

“Cap, what the hell’s going on?”

Bobby looked to Ravi, the kid taking the hint as he stood, nodding to Buck with sympathy before leaving them to it.

“Bobby, what’s going on? Why are they cleaning out Eddie’s locker?”

“Listen Buck, we—his parents wanted his things. So we’re gathering them up to send their way.”

It didn’t make any sense; Buck didn’t understand what was happening.

“We’re just going to gather his things, and then you and I can have that conversation you’ve been wanting.”

It was the words he’d been wanting to hear for months, Buck suddenly too numb to care. Bobby kept talking, Buck not hearing any of it. His head was pounding, as it always seemed to be these days, the ringing inside his ears intensifying.

“Buck.”

Bobby’s voice brought him back, Buck pressing his hands to his head as he tried to right himself. He couldn’t let Bobby see him like this; not now.

There was something in Bobby’s look, something he wasn’t saying. As Buck looked from Eddie’s locker back to Bobby, he thought he finally understood.

“They-they think he’s dead, don’t they?”

Bobby opened his mouth, then closed it again, taking a moment before finally answering.

“Buck, no one has heard from him in almost two weeks. And, well, we found these.” Bobby held up a pair of dog tags, the ones that matched Buck’s own that laid just underneath his t-shirt; he’d never been brave enough to take them off. If he did, then it would be real, and he wasn’t ready for that.

Bobby motioned to the bench and took a seat, waiting for Buck to follow suit. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but Buck complied, not wanting to give Bobby anymore reasons to say no.

“Listen, I don’t know the full story of what happened with you two, but I think I’ve got a pretty good idea.”

Buck didn’t know what to say to that, so he simply sat, waiting for Buck to go on.

“His parents want his belongings. They think it would be good for Christopher to have.”

Chris? Who the hell was that?

“What about Lulu?”

Bobby smiled over to him genuinely.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Buck stared to Bobby curiously, more confused than ever.

“Eddie’s parents want Lulu to come home. They think it might offer another comfort to Christopher. That’s where you come in.”

“Who’s Christopher?”

It was Bobby who pulled his head back then, squinching his face up in disbelief.

“You—Eddie never told you?”

Buck shook his head with a shrug of his shoulders. There was definitely something he was missing here.

“Buck, Chris is Eddie’s son. He’s three now.”

What? Buck’s head was spinning—more than usual.

Eddie had a kid, one he’d never told Buck about. Why? Surely Eddie knew that Buck wouldn’t have cared, right? They’d been closer than that. Well, maybe not. After all, Eddie was one of the reasons he was here and not out there fighting with them.

“I’m sorry Buck, I figured you knew.”

“Nope. Guess Eddie kept multiple secrets from me.”

“Buck,” Bobby started, Buck standing and cutting him off.

“Don’t just—don’t. Why am I here Bobby, really?”

As Buck began to pace, he used his hands to rub at his temple, hoping to cut some of the tension there.

“I want you to pack up Eddie’s things, and take them, along with Lulu, back to his parents. To his son.”

Buck stopped his pacing, though he didn’t look over to Bobby.

“Why—why me?”

“Because, Buck, you’re the only one Lulu might listen to.” When Buck swiveled to meet him with a questioning look, Bobby added, “she’s not the same dog you knew a year ago kid. She’s got every combat trigger in the book. After you—well after what happened, she just hasn’t been the same.”

Yea, Buck knew the feeling. He tried not to think about that day, about everything that commenced, how it’d lead him to where is now.

“So I uh, I do this, and you make the call?”

“You do this, no screwups—nothing gets back to me—then I’ll make the call. You stick your neck out for Battalion, I’ll stick my neck out for you.”

It seemed easy enough, Buck nodding his head in agreeance.

“Can I—can I just have a minute?”

Bobby looked from Buck toward the locker, squeezing Buck’s shoulder as he stood.

“Sure thing kid. Just pack everything up when you’re done and meet me outside.”

Buck nodded his head, waiting until Bobby was out of sight to bow his head, letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes, pulling them down his face as he went.  As the locker came back into view, something caught Buck’s eyesight, his hand reaching out on instinct to grab it.

The name ‘Lulu’ was written in large letters across the front, one’s Buck had drawn on there long ago. The binder felt heavy in his hands, Buck reaching to put one on the bench next to him to help steady himself, his fingers connecting with medal—Eddie’s dog tags.

With the binder in one hand, necklace in the other, Buck let his first tear slide free, clutching onto them both tightly. Eddie wasn’t gone; he couldn’t be.

~

THEN

Buck wasn’t jealous, ok? He wasn’t jealous that Eddie was the one chosen to be in charge of her, nor was he upset that Eddie’s attention was going to be adverted elsewhere. He could care less, really. Well, that’s what he told himself at least.

He could still remember the first time he met her, Eddie and her walking in side by side, already looking like the perfect pair. She was cute sure, Buck pretending not to notice, even going so far as to ignore their new teammate. It didn’t work.

Their new teammate was taken with Buck for some reason, always wanting to follow him around, Buck constantly finding her on his bed, Eddie simply shrugging his shoulders.

“I think you’re her favorite, you know.”

Buck scoffed. “Whatever. I don’t even like her.”

Eddie let out a chuckle, Buck turning toward the guy just in time to see him roll his eyes.

“That’s because you haven’t given her a chance yet. She doesn’t bite you know….not like you.”

Buck just stared at Eddie, unsure of how to answer, finally settling for sticking his tongue out in a very mature fashion. Before he knew it, the one in question came barreling toward him, knocking Buck back onto his bed, Eddie’s laugh filling the bunk room once more.  

“Down, down girl!”

He was then licked to death by their fury friend, Buck trying and failing to push her off. The soft fur ran between his fingers, Buck sighing a little contently for the warm body pressed on top of him. When the dog moved to lie beside him, Eddie came back into view, those big browns of his looking over to them with a sort of twinkle in his eye. There must’ve been a glare or something.

“Did you know Belgian Malinois served in World War I?”

Eddie raised a brow toward Buck, shaking his head in answer.

“No, I didn’t. That’s pretty badass though.”

Buck couldn’t help but to light up, his hand still moving through the dog’s hair as he went on.

“Yea, they were messengers and assisted the Red Cross!”

Eddie continued to listen, Buck never more excited. Most people found his random facts to be stupid or annoying, but not Eddie. Maybe the guy wasn’t so bad after all.

“They can even skydive!”

Eddie’s entire face lit up in a smile at that, the guy huffing out a laugh.

“That’s badass. How do you know all this anyway?”

Buck shrugged his shoulders. “I just—look things up when I can’t sleep.”

He didn’t mention that that was generally a nightly occurrence, nor that it had started with his parents, Buck constantly vying for their attention.

Not wanting Eddie to inquire further, Buck changed the subject.

“So uh, what’re you gonna name her anyway?”

Eddie gave a sigh, looking to the dog, then back to Buck again. “I dunno. Officer Nash said I could choose the name since she doesn’t have one yet.”

Buck nodded, thinking it over. “You should give her a strong name. Something badass.”

“Yea? You got any ideas in that big head of yours Buckley?” Eddie asked with a tilt of his chin toward Buck.

Buck didn’t get a chance to respond snidely or with any suggestions, all of them called to attention. It wasn’t until later in the week when they got time on the computers that Buck did his research. While most people wrote home, Buck tried to make himself look busy, typing away as if he were chatting with a best friend. He didn’t have one of those though; not since Maddie had left anyway. His parents didn’t give a shit about him, Buck essentially on his own.

Later, after everyone else was asleep, Buck still wide awake, he whispered into the space between his and Eddie’s cot.

“You awake?”

Eddie made a grunting noise, though he rolled toward Buck, peering one eye open. At the movement, the dog at Buck’s feet stirred, already on alert for any threats. No matter what Buck had tried, the dog always ended up sleeping with him, Eddie not seeming much bothered by it.

“How about Lulu?”

Eddie’s other eye popped open then, the dog stirring once more.

“You mean for her name?”

Buck nodded in the dark, Eddie just making it out.

“Yea.”

“Ok. Why that name though?”

Buck looked over to the dog, his hand moving automatically to pet through her short hairs.

“It means ‘famous warrior.’ But also a dog who’s loving and brave, one with intelligence and companionship.”

Eddie smiled thoughtfully at that, calling out to the dog.

“Lulu. What do you think girl?”

The dog titled her head, both Buck and Eddie calling out to her. When she gave an excited yip, they both tried to stifle their laughter, thankful when they hand’t woken anyone.

“Well, I think she likes it.”

Eddie’s hand came between them then, their bunks only mere inches apart, the guy’s hand landing on the dog—Lulu—Buck watching as his long fingers brushed over her soft fur.

“Goodnight Lulu.” Lulu licked Eddie’s hand before settling back comfortably over Buck, Eddie continuing to leave his hand there. Buck stayed still, Eddie’s hand eventually sliding off Lulu, the back of Eddie’s hand brushing over Buck’s that was laid there. Their eyes met, brown holding blue, Buck nearly forgetting how to breathe.

“Goodnight Buck.”

It wasn’t until Eddie finally pulled away and settled on his own bed that Buck remembered how to breathe.

“Night Eddie.”

Buck may have been warming up to Lulu, but he was still unsure of Eddie—unsure of how he felt for Eddie.

~

NOW

One flip of the binder told Buck that he wasn’t ready. There were too many memories in there, too many reminders; he wasn’t ready to face any of them.

Setting the binder on the bench, Buck clasped the dog tags into his palm, squeezing them like he used to do when Eddie’s hand was linked with his. Unlike Eddie’s hand that was warm and comforting, the tags were cold and daunting, the only sign of Eddie coming from how warn they were.

He let the necklace slip from his hand as he got lost in thought, just catching the last of the chain before it fell to the ground. Closing his eyes, Buck took in a breath, letting it out to the count of three. Not knowing what else to do with it, and not wanting it too far, Buck slipped the chain around his neck, the one that was shorter than his own for reasons he didn’t want to think about—couldn’t.

Standing from the bench, Buck tried to shake the impossible feeling of Eddie off as he moved toward the locker. He picked up the unzipped backpack that had been left there, lifting it to the locker and sliding everything in. He had no idea what all was in there, and he didn’t care for the time being; he or Eddie’s family could sort it out later.

With the backpack thrown on, Buck made his way outside, Bobby stood there just as he said he would be.

“You ok son?”

Buck gave a shrug of his shoulders in answer, Bobby understanding, not pushing him further.

“Well, let’s go see our girl, huh?”

Let’s go see our girl.

They were the same words Eddie had used countless times, Buck nearly crumbling to the ground to hear Bobby throw them out so casually. Buck reminded himself to breathe, increasing his steps a little to catch up with Bobby.

As they entered the building, Buck suddenly felt anxious, unsure of what to expect. ‘She’s not the same dog you served with.’

As if reading his mind, Bobby repeated his before words, adding on a few extras.

“You need to keep her secured at all times, and you’re not to take her out in public. That’s for her safety, as well as others.” 

Buck nodded, pulling in his bottom lip. They rounded the corner then, a large cage placed there, what looked to be Lulu lying solemnly on the ground. There was a muzzle over her face, the entire sight breaking Buck’s heart.

“Do you want me to leash her up for you?”

Buck turned at the sound of Chimney’s voice, Buck too lost on Lulu to even notice when he’d approached.

“No um, no I got it.”

Chimney looked a little skeptical, as did Bobby, though he handed over the leash, Buck taking the familiar material in hand. He tried to forget that Eddie’s hands had touched it too, the two often sharing it back and forth.

He slid the gate open and stepped inside, immediately lowering himself so that he was on Lulu’s level.

“Hey girl. Remember me?”

It had been a year now, Lulu having changed some, her happy demeanor now clouded with sadness; Buck knew he looked the same.  

Steadily, he reached his hand out to her, not wanting to frighten or overwhelm Lulu. When she didn’t flinch away, Buck took that as his sign to keep going. His hand connected with her fur, the one that was still soft, albeit a little rough where she’d suffered some injuries, Buck melting into it all the same. “That’s it, good girl.”

He leashed her up, Lulu keeping steady, though seemingly unafraid. It was so different than the Lulu he knew, the one who used to dive bomb into him, always excited to see him, spinning in circles with delight. Now Lulu simply sat, looking him over with those saddened eyes of hers.

Buck continued to rub her fur, making his way up to her head, moving towards her favorite spot, the one she always melted into, especially from Buck or Eddie. As he reached Lulu’s ears, she immediately shook out of his hold and went into attack mode, Buck suddenly understanding why the muzzle had been placed there.

“Ooh, sorry we forgot to mention the ear thing.”

Buck turned to glare over to Chimney who smiled sheepishly, Bobby shrugging his shoulders.

“I thought maybe she’d be different with you. You were always her favorite.”

Buck had to choke back a sob at that, Eddie always pretending to be jealous of Lulu, saying she was Buck’s favorite too. While it was impossible to choose, there was enough love in Buck’s heart for both of them; well, there used to be anyway.

They managed to get Lulu calmed down enough to get her out of the building and into the back of his jeep, Buck making sure the kennel was secure before closing the door.

Hen was there now, going over everything he needed to do with Lulu, including the fact that they were weaning her off Prozac, which might give her some mood swings. Buck nodded in understanding, Hen giving him that sympathetic look, the one that reminded him so much of Maddie.

“You’re doing a good thing, Buck. Even if you have ulterior motives.” Buck gave a half smile as Hen pulled him in for a hug, Buck basking in her comforting embrace.

As he made to get in his jeep, Bobby approached him once more.

“Make sure the backpack and everything inside of it get to his parents. The binder stays with Lulu.”

Buck nodded, not really understanding why Bobby separated the two, but he figured it had just become the norm. The “I love me” binder went everywhere with Lulu, not a single milestone going unnoted.

Buck reached out to shake Bobby’s hand, giving out their motto.

“Rangers lead the way Cap.”

Bobby smiled to him, repeating it back.

“All the way.”

Lulu howled as they drove away, Buck could only think of all the adventures they’d been on so far, the ones that were in the binder that laid on the passenger seat next to him. Glancing over to it, Buck ignored it in favor of his phone, picking it up once he’d reached the red light.

His fingers scanned over the familiar number, the one he’d called and texted too many times to count. There were unanswered messages in their thread still, Buck feeling guilty as he pressed the ‘call’ button. It rang a few times before the voicemail picked up, Buck’s hopes getting the best of him with every impending ring.

“This is Diaz, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.”

Another tear rolled down Buck’s face at his words. It wouldn’t matter what Buck said to him now; Eddie might never get back to him, even if he wanted to.

~

THEN

For the first seven weeks, Buck did everything he could to hate Eddie, each new attempt failing more than the last.

Eddie was helpful, kind, and especially patient with Buck. Whenever he felt like he was being too much, Eddie was there to remind him that they were all in this together.

Bobby was constantly pairing the two of them off together, Buck never seeming to get a break considering Eddie slept right next to him as well. Lulu was always there to serve as an in between, Buck often ignoring Eddie in favor of bending down to say hi to her. If Eddie minded, he never said, only making Buck dislike the guy more. They were friends now sure, but Buck still kept his guard up.

It all came to a head one day, Buck finally having had enough—of everything.

Somehow, his parents had found out where he was stationed, a flurry of aggressive e-mails and calls sent his way, Buck punishing himself by going through them all. Everyone was the same as the last, his parents never ceasing to remind him of what a failure he was, and that he was both reckless and inconsiderate for running off the military instead of staying in college. They didn’t really care about his education, only how it looked on paper, and that thousands of their dollars had gone to waste. He tried not to let their vile words weigh him down, but he couldn’t help that he cared; all he ever wanted was for them to be proud of him. But he was never good enough. Even Maddie had left him, Buck truly alone in the world.

And so, when they got out on the field later that day, Lulu right by Eddie’s side, Buck couldn’t help but to want that too, to have a companionship, someone who would always be there by his side.

“Hey Eds.”

The nickname rolled off his lips with ease, Eddie looking over to him with raised brows.

“How uh, how’d you get Lulu? I mean, what kind of forms did you have to fill out?”

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing. Bobby just asked if I was up for the task and I said yes.”

Well, that seemed easy enough. Buck was always up for a challenge.

At the end of their day, Buck stayed back while everyone else hit the bunks, wandering over to Bobby.

“Hey Cap?”

Bobby looked over to him slightly unamused; Buck loved giving people nicknames.

“I wanna get a dog, like Lulu.”

When Bobby didn’t say anything, simply raised his brows curiously, Buck went on.

“So uh, is there any specific paperwork I need to fill out or anything?”

“Buck, there’s only one dog per team, and Lulu is ours. I chose Eddie to be the one in charge of her.”

Well maybe they could make an exception; surely there was room for one more dog.

“C’mon Cap, I promise I’ll take good care of them. You won’t even notice another dog here.”

Bobby firmly shook his head. “I’m sorry kid, but those are the rules. There’s a reason I chose Eddie.”

Buck furrowed his brows at that, anger rising in him.

“Well, what makes him so damn qualified? I’m just as good as anyone else on this team! C’mon, you saw how I aced everything you threw at us today.”

Bobby gave a sigh, trying to reason with him. “Buck, my answer is final. Your abilities out on the field have nothing to do with why I chose who was in charge of Lulu.”

Buck scoffed, already storming off from Bobby as he shouted behind him.

“That’s bullshit and we both know it. Eddie always gets everything.”

Eddie always had a family to call home to, people that were waiting for him on the other side of this hellhole. Buck had exchanged one shitty situation for another.

He all but ran into Chimney on the way back, another one of his teammates who he’d come quite close to over the weeks.

“Buckaroo, where’s the fire?”

Normally the nickname was enough alone to crack a smile out of him, but not today.

“Eddie gets everything and I always get shit on.”

Chim clicked his gum—where he got it from Buck had no idea—looking Buck over thoughtfully.

“I thought you two were getting along these days?”

“Yea, because I have to. Not because we’re best friends or anything.”

Buck waved Chimney off then, needing some space. He took a few laps around the barracks, needing to right himself. When he finally returned, everyone was scattered about, Lulu greeting him upon entrance.

“Hey girl.” He bent to her level to give her a few pets, scratching behind her ears where she loved the most.

Begrudgingly, he followed Lulu back to his bunk, Eddie sat on his, flipping through a book. Buck ignored him, pretending to busy himself with straightening out his bed from where Lulu had no doubt been lying.

“You can hate me if you want, but it wasn’t my decision.”

Buck paused at Eddie’s words, though didn’t turn to meet him.”

“Whatever man.”

“Cap said I should talk to you. Tell you why he put me in charge of Lulu.”

Buck continued to face away from Eddie, refusing to give him the satisfaction.

“He said you were having a rough time, that you would need a friend, but you weren’t quite ready for the responsibility, so he asked me if I could do both.”

That got Buck’s attention, Eddie looking up to him from his spot on the bed as Buck finally turned to meet him.

“Do both what?”

Eddie huffed out a laugh as he tossed his book aside, moving to hang his feet off the bed, Buck feeling awkward standing right in front of him, but unwilling to sit down yet.

“He asked if I would train Lulu and befriend you. You’re kind of making the last part impossible though.”

Oh.

Buck had no idea what all Bobby had read or heard about him. On the one hand it pissed him off that Bobby had read through his files, but on the other it made him realize that someone cared, about him. Buck hadn’t experienced a lot of that in the past, other than from his sister.

He finally let himself sit on the bed, their knees pressed together with the little space between them. Buck looked anywhere but Eddie, trying to take it all in. Lulu was soon nuzzling into his side, a hand suddenly coming to rest over his leg.

Eddie’s touch was warm, securing.

“Besides, I don’t know why you want a dog of your own when she already loves you more than me.”

Well, he couldn’t deny that.

“Guess I’m a pretty likable guy.”

“Yea, when you’re not being a brat.”

Something deep inside Buck stirred at Eddie’s words, their eyes meeting in an instant.

The moment broke when Eddie finally looked away, reaching for something on his bedside. A binder was displayed between them, Eddie opening it up to reveal some notebook paper, a set of multi-colored pens laid inside.

“They want me to keep a binder of Lulu, document everything. I thought maybe you could help me with that since you spend so much time with us.”

“Uh yea, yea that’d be cool. Are you gonna decorate it or anything?”

Eddie raised his brows questioningly, Buck sighing exasperatedly as he took the binder from Eddie, their fingers brushing together for a moment too short.

Pulling out a sheet of the paper and some of the pens, Buck moved to lay on his belly, Lulu saddling up right next to him, Eddie moving so he could peer over his shoulder.

Buck got to work, pulling out the colors he wanted before poking his tongue out and getting lost on the design. He’d always loved drawing as a kid and the freedom it gave him, Maddie always hanging his ridiculous drawings all over her walls, the ones his parents wouldn’t think twice about putting on the fridge, tossing them in the trash instead.

Lulu appeared to watch his movements with interest, even placing her paw over the paper a time or two, Buck eventually tracing the outline of it. He could feel Eddie’s heated stare on him the entire time, Buck trying not to get lost on the feeling.

When he was finally finished, Buck slipped it into the front of the binder before handing it off to Eddie, their fingers grazing once more.

Eddie looked it over with careful browns, a smile tugging at the edges of his lips.

“Gotta say Buck, this is pretty damn cool.”

Buck preened for the praise, moving to sit next to Eddie before he could think better of it, Lulu making her way onto both of their laps, the binder just above her.

He’d written ‘Lulu’ in big bubble letters, each letter colored in with a different design, the background littered with multi-colored pawprints, ones with hearts for the base. Eddie’s finger pointed out a couple of them, tapping on the heart part. “What’s with the faces?”

Buck smiled to himself, remembering how Maddie always used to make funny faces whenever he was feeling down or his parents were being particularly shitty; he wasn’t sure when he started to incorporate that into his drawings, only that he couldn’t draw them without faces these days.

“My uh, my sister, she always used to make funny faces whenever I was—sad.”

Eddie nodded as if he understood the underlying meaning, Buck grateful he didn’t have to explain further.

“I have a couple sisters too. Are you guys close?”

“Um we used to be, but she, she hasn’t been around for a while now. God I miss her.”

He didn’t mean to let that last part slip out, but it was painfully true. Maddie had left with Doug one day and he hand’t heard or seen her since; that was almost three years ago now.

A hand was placed to his thigh once more, Eddie squeezing lightly, the touch more reassuring than anything he’d felt in years.

After that day, Buck stopped hating Eddie, slowly letting him in more and more. He never thought he could come to hate Eddie again, but things changed. When your whole life was a warzone, it was difficult to know who was on your side.

~

NOW

With only a few hours down, Buck was already feeling restless, itching to stretch his long legs out.

Lulu had been quiet for the majority of the ride, Buck missing the way she used to ride alongside him in the Humvee. What made him even sadder was that Eddie would be there too, Lulu in between, always ready to go to battle for them.

If he was getting restless, he knew Lulu would be too, Buck wanting to see if she would let him take the muzzle off. He found a parking lot to pull off into, one that homed a shooting range, Buck cutting the engine before getting out and rounding to the back.

After opening it up, he looked to the cage Lulu was in, wanting nothing more than to set her free, though knowing he couldn’t. Slowly he reached to open the cage, talking to her while doing so. “Just gonna open the cage here girl and get that muzzle off you.”

With the door open, Lulu stayed as she was, Buck moving his hands inch by inch toward her muzzle, knowing he was going to have to reach around close to her ears to get it off.

“Nice and easy Lu, not gonna touch your ears, ok?”

He managed to get the muzzle off without a fuss, Buck sighing in relief; maybe this road trip wouldn’t be so bad after all.

As he went to grab for the leash, Lulu popped up, an immediate series of barks following it. Buck tried to calm her with his words as he pulled the leash toward him, but Lulu stayed firm, backing further into the crate.

“Ok, ok.”

Buck let the leash drop as he sighed with frustration, his constant headache deciding to increase right then.

“Fine. Whatever. Stay in there then.” Buck said as he closed the kennel, slamming the trunk down after.

He put his hands to his head, squeezing firmly on the sides as he willed the pain to go away, but it wouldn’t; it never did.

Ignoring both his headache and Lulu still growling from the car, Buck made his way inside and out to the range, hoping to release some of the tension. Shooting at targets on paper was easy; it was something he could concentrate on while not having to actually shoot anyone or be worried about anyone shooting him. After putting in his earplugs, Buck aimed the gun, pulling back the trigger with a click.

Each shot Buck took, he tried to release the anger.

His parents never loving or truly caring about him. Bang.

Maddie disappearing and never coming back. Bang.

Bobby not letting him come back despite all the work he’d put in. Bang.

Eddie. Eddie pushing him away, Buck never getting to say goodbye. Bang.

Buck winced as another shot rang out, the all too familiar ringing in his ears revving up. Even earplugs couldn’t block that out.

 He couldn’t concentrate, his vision blurring, Buck taking one last shot before calling it.

He found a nearby bench to sit on, Buck securing the gun before setting it down and placing a hand over his face, pinching the skin between his nose and eyes. It didn’t help much, Buck taking the pill bottle from his pocket and dispensing a couple of the capsules into his hand. He hated the meds, hated taking them—hated that they made him feel better.

Once he’d downed the meds, Buck took back aim, shooting at the target for a little longer. He could spend all day shotting his demons and still not be rid of them; hell, he wasn’t sure if there were even enough targets in the world.

When he got back to his jeep, Buck had a fresh mindset, ready to get back on the road and onto the next town. Lulu though, well, she had other plans.

“No, no, no, no!”

Lulu had managed to escape her crate and was now in the backseat—well, what was left of it. There were tears and scratches all over, Buck’s backseat a mess of stuffing and leather.

“Lulu stop!”

The dog looked over to him, her teeth still in the leather, Buck’s eyes wide as ever. Maddie had given him this jeep the night before she disappeared; it was the last thing he had of her.

His frustration got the best of him, Buck banging on the door as Lulu continued her pursuit, Buck a mess of heated anger and tears.

“Dammit!”

Buck soon found himself wandering over to the nearby convenient store, buying a beef stick and some Benadryl in hopes of calming Lulu down. He had no idea how they were going to get through this road trip, still thousands of miles ahead of them. Eddie would know what to do. He had a way of calming them both, Buck never quite sure how he did it.

Popping a few of the pills into the beef stick, Buck shoved it inside the partially opened window of his jeep, Lulu immediately trading his leather seat for the treat. While she was occupied, Buck took the opportunity to hop in, starting up his jeep and taking off.

It was about twenty minutes later when Lulu finally settled, the pills taking affect. She laid on the backseat with defeat, Buck wishing he could reach back and rub behind her ears like she loved so much. It pained him to see her in so much distress, Buck knowing all too well how that felt, and how sometimes there was nothing you could do about it.

~

The next several hours became a blur of street signs and exits, Buck’s head feeling heavier with each passing mile. He could really use a drink.

Sure, he wasn’t supposed to on his medication, but it wasn’t like the damn things helped for long anyway. Plus, they didn’t make him forget. Alcohol was always there to help him fade into a bliss of nothingness, something Buck craved all too often these days.

He found a bar to pull over at, Buck managing to get Lulu out of the car so she could relive herself. Lulu wanted right back in the jeep after, bowing her head onto the seat with a tiredness, one that still lingered from the pills.

Sighing, Buck watched her for a few minutes before closing the doors, making sure the windows were down enough for her to get air, though not escape. It was a cool summer night, a nice breeze whipping through the air, Buck not having to worry about her getting overheated.

The only bad thing about bars was how loud they were, several neon lights and signs hung all around. He furrowed his brows as he entered, willing his eyes to focus as he tried to block out some of the sound.

He quickly found himself at the bar, ordering himself a beer and a shot of whiskey, the latter immediately rolling down his throat with a familiar burn, Buck relaxing into it. As he leaned forward over the bar to ask for another, the two chains on his neck clanked together, Buck sighing dejectedly as he reached out to still them.

Even if Eddie was miraculously found somehow, they’d never be able to identify him now.

“What brings you way out here soldier?”

Buck turned to see a woman sat on his left, big green eyes looking him over. The old Buck would’ve turned to her with a wide smile, turning up his charm to full charge, but not tonight. He wasn’t that guy anymore; hadn’t been for a while now.

He could tell her the honest truth, that he was taking a dog back to one of his buddies’ families, that he’d lost a friend, but that wouldn’t really be the truth. Eddie wasn’t just a buddy or a friend. Eddie was—well he was a little something more. Besides that, Buck refused to believe that Eddie was gone, refused to believe that they’d ended things the way they had—forever.

“Just wishing I were somewhere else,” was what he finally settled on. It was somewhere between the truth and the lie on the tip of his tongue.

The woman nodded, holding up her shot to him in cheers.

“Don’t we all?”

They clanked their glasses together, Buck downing back another shot, wishing it stung more than the truth, his throat feeling raw like the day he’d almost lost Eddie. He hadn’t though; not until later at least.

He toyed with the jewelry at his finger, twisting it back and forth.

The woman tipped her chin toward where his finger laid, raising her eyes in curiosity.

“You got someone special waiting for you back home?”

With another twist to the chain, Buck let out a weighted sigh, one that didn’t deplete him of any of his troubles.

“I used to. But we don’t have a home. Not uh, not anymore.”

Eddie was his home, but he was gone now, Buck more lost than ever.

~

THEN

“Attack!”

Lulu did as was instructed, going after the enemy without a second thought, single handedly saving them all, just as she’d been taught.

They’d been on a handful of missions with her at this point, Lulu never ceasing to show off all her hard work and training, the majority of which had come from Eddie and Buck; he was always willing to lend a hand when it came to the two of them.

“Good girl,” Buck and Eddie both cooed at the same time, Lulu eating up all the love and affection.

As they stood back up, Eddie said, “you can have my back any day.”

Buck ducked his head, smiling a little sheepishly.

“Uh, me?”

Eddie looked over to him with that crooked grin he got whenever he thought Buck was being ridiculous. He watched as Eddie then reached his hand down to Lulu, scratching behind her ears.

“I was actually talking to Lu.”

Right. Of course. The dog, the one who had saved them all.

Before Buck could completely spiral, Eddie stood back to his full stature, knocking his shoulder into Buck’s.

“Hey, you can have my back too, any day. I trust you with my life Ev.”

Buck wasn’t able to duck his head away before his lips were turning into a grin that could surely be seen from miles away, Eddie smiling just as brightly in turn.

“Yea or uh, you could-you have mine. Both of you,” Buck said with a wink over to Lulu.

Eddie rolled his eyes, Buck swearing Lulu did too, the three of them following each other back to the bunkroom. They were like a unit, always in sync; where one went, the other two followed.

“You feel like going for a run?” Buck asked Eddie just as they reached the entrance for the barracks, freshly showered and dressed. Eddie looked over to him as if he were crazy, shaking his head in disbelief.

“The mission we were just on wasn’t enough for you?”

Buck shrugged. He always had leftover energy and adrenaline after being out in the field. It was difficult for him to turn the war switch on and off; he wasn’t one of those machines built to fight.

A hand was suddenly placed over his shoulder, Eddie ducking his head to catch Buck’s stare. “Hey, it’s ok. Just give me a second, yea?”

Buck nodded, relaxing into Eddie’s touch until he pulled away, moving inside the building for a moment, Lulu following behind him. When he returned, he was alone, Buck frowning for it. “Where’s Lu?”

“She needs a rest. Don’t worry, I left her with her uncle Chim.”

While Chimney was always giving them exasperated looks, he could never keep a smile off his face for Lulu; no one could.

They started out at a steady pace, Eddie somehow always able to keep up even with Buck’s long ass legs—Eddie’s words, not his—the two of them matching each other stride for stride. Their shoulders bumped from time to time, each touch more comforting than the next.

They’d been out of basic for a couple months now, Buck easily referring to Eddie as his best friend. Back in basic, Buck would’ve never thought they’d have gotten this far, though by the time their placements came, Buck was practically begging to be put with Eddie, Bobby easily obliging them, much to Chimney’s dismay, Hen’s too. They met Hen after basic, the woman with a warm smile and big glasses easily becoming a part of their team, her hugs familiar like ones from a sister.

Each breath helped Buck center himself, Eddie’s close proximity taking on the rest. As they came to the top of a hill, they both stopped, resting their hands on their knees as they panted heavily. 

Eddie glanced over to Buck, raising a brow.

“Better?”

Buck nodded, though he didn’t say anything else, too afraid of letting the truth slip out. They’d been dancing around each other for weeks now (more like months) neither of them seeming willing to take that last step.

Before basic, Buck had been somewhat of a man-whore, sleeping with anyone willing to, craving an intimacy he would never find. They always left after, Buck feeling more and more used each time. He wasn’t that guy anymore; maybe he never had been.

There were times when Eddie’s fingers would linger over him a little too long, their beds slipping closer with each passing day, Eddie doing nothing to stop it, their hands often ending up tangled together throughout the night. They didn’t talk about it.

And there were things like today, Eddie just knowing he needed to run some of his emotions off, but knowing he didn’t want to do so alone. They worked seamlessly out on the field, often not having to talk at all, always anticipating the others move. Late at night, when everyone else was asleep, Lulu laid somewhere down between them, they’d talk about everything and nothing. There were nights they both couldn’t sleep, others where it was just one of them, but no matter who it was, they always stayed up, comforting the other in any way they could.

Buck often told stories of growing up with Maddie, Eddie swapping for stories of his sisters, Adriana and Sophia. Whenever their parents got brought up, it was clear both of them had rocky relationships, neither of them pushing the other for more than what they wanted to offer.

“Hey.” There was a nudge to his shoulder, Eddie pulling him out of his thoughts.

“What’s going on in that big head of yours?”

Buck let out a huff of a laugh. He could lie, could tell Eddie something stupid and they’d brush it off, but he was tired of doing that, tired of pretending.

“Just uh, just about—us.”

He dared to look over to Eddie, sweat glistening on his forehead, those honey browns sat just below.

“Yea?”

Buck nodded his head before moving to sit on the ground, the cool dirt greeting him. Eddie followed easily as ever, their bodies pressed together from hip to shoulder with their close proximity.

“Tell me Buck, what were you thinking about us?”

Buck tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. He wasn’t brave to look at Eddie now, had barely been daring enough to do so before.

“Just uh, you know you’re my best friend, right?”

“Well, I actually thought it was Lulu, so that’s good to know.”

Buck was quickly turning to look at Eddie, the softest smile spread across his lips. With how close they were, Buck could see the flecks of greens in Eddie’s eyes, the ones that stood out against their fatigues.

“Well I mean, Lulu is pretty cute.”

“But not as cute as me, right?”

Eddie moved closer then, their faces merely inches apart, Buck trying not to choke on his words.

“No um, definitely-definitely not.”

Eddie’s hand slipped into the space between them, palm coming to rest over Buck’s heart.

“Your heart’s beating really fast Buckley. You should get that checked out.”

Buck could hardly breathe, let alone move.

“Yea well uh, what’s-what’s you excuse Diaz? Buck tossed back, pressing his own palm against Eddie’s heart.

“You.”

Those browns swam into his blues, the touch of Eddie’s lips against his like a rush he’d never felt. Where Eddie’s hands were ruff and made for battle, his lips were soft and tender, slotting perfectly together with Buck’s.

Their hands stayed pressed over the others heart, Eddie’s never slowing down, Bucks either. As Eddie leaned forward, his tags clanked against Buck’s, neither of them caring in the slightest. It wasn’t long before Eddie was grabbing him at the waist and pushing him down, placing his hand just under where Buck’s head landed. Big browns stared down to him, Buck eventually grabbing Eddie’s tag to drag him down and into another series of heated kisses.

When they finally pulled apart, Eddie rested his legs on either side of him, Buck determined to let his comforting weight press him down. He looked up to Eddie then, cheeky smile plastered across his face.

“Guess you only wanted Lulu to stay behind so she wouldn’t get jealous, huh?”

Eddie rolled his eyes with exasperation, Buck chuckling for it.

As Eddie stood, he reached a hand down for Buck, one he easily took, the two of them falling back into line once more.

“C’mon, let’s go see our girl.”

 They raced back to the barracks, the two pushing into each other as they went, though more purposeful than the time before.

When they reached the entrance, Lulu was right there waiting for them, practically tackling the two of them with love, licking them all over. If she sensed something was different between them, she didn’t let it show; in fairness, they weren’t really acting different than normal, the lingering looks and touches quite standard for them. Chimney on the other hand looked them up and down with a questioning stare, though he didn’t say anything; Buck did see him whispering away with Hen later that night though.

~

They’d been working together side by side for a little over a year now, their bond only growing stronger. Nobody really cared that they were together, but they tried to keep as discreet as possible, not wanting to give anyone a reason to spilt them up.

Though they’d never explicitly told Bobby, it was obvious the man knew, always giving them looks of ‘do I need to separate the two of you?’ They were usually in front of the generals, Bobby clearly not wanting them to be separated either.

They’d had a handful of leave over the year, both for holidays and just general time, Buck almost always working through his, Eddie going home to see his family. He’d invited Buck a time or two, but it was obvious Eddie didn’t really want him to come. Whatever his reasons were, Buck didn’t question it; he had plenty of his own demons at home to face.

They’d been having one of their late-night conversations when Eddie popped the question, Buck unsure if he was really awake or not.

“We have a few days of leave. If you want, I was thinking that we could take them—together?”

Buck had all but sat up straight in the bed, Lulu grumbling for having been bothered for the sudden jerky movement.

“Just-just me and you?”

“Well, me, you, and Lu.”

Just the three of them, no one else around, nothing else to take up their time.

“Ok Eds, I’m all yours.”

And so, that’s how they’d ended up spending the perfect day at the beach, Lulu racing back and forth across the sand happier than ever.

They hadn’t gone too far away from their base camp, just a few hours outside of town, needing to get away. The three of them spent the entire day at the beach, soaking it all in, multiple beers, laughter and kisses shared between (water for Lulu of course.)

When they wrapped up their beach shenanigans, they went to the hotel where Eddie had made reservations. It wasn’t until they walked into their room that Buck’s heartbeat sped up a bit. Sure, he’d slept next to Eddie too many times to count at this point, but now they would be alone, the only buffer being Lulu who had already claimed one of the two beds.

“I um, I got us two beds just in case. We can always kick Lulu off of one.”

Buck cleared his throat as he scratched anxiously at his neck.

“I think we could give Lu her own bed for the night. I mean if um…” He trailed off, Eddie looking to him softly. “Yea?”

Buck nodded his head, the two of them moving together on instinct.

“Yea.”

They relaxed back onto the bed together, Lulu seemingly happy to have the other to herself. Eddie put on some ridiculous telenovela, one Buck understood none of, but both Eddie and Lulu got completely suckered into.

“You know, I didn’t take you for a soap opera kind of guy.”

“Shh,” Eddie shushed him, whispering out a few minutes later with, “I used to watch them with my abuela. Helped me keep up on my Spanish.”

Oh, well that was sweet. Buck wished he had memories with his grandma like that.

He curled closer to Eddie, resting his head over the man’s chest, Eddie’s fingers coming to brush through his curls, Buck leaning into the calming touch.

“Babe, tell me what’s going on.”

There was no way he would stay awake with Eddie’s fingers running through his hair, combined with the fact he had no idea what was going on. He didn’t want to waste a second alone with Eddie sleeping.

A kiss was placed to the top of his head, Eddie pulling him a bit closer.

“Ok, so this one’s called Esperanza mía or My Lovely Hope.”

Buck nodded his head into Eddie to let him know he was listening, his best friend going on.

“So, it’s basically about this girl who’s trying to escape a guy, he’s kind of shady, and she ends up hiding in a church and befriending the nuns there. And then she falls in love with the young priest and it’s like a forbidden love, something that slowly develops over time.”

Buck’s really interested now, turning in Eddie’s hold so that his chin is rested over Eddie’s chest, hands folded underneath it.

“They date in secret for a while, but the priest eventually breaks it off, and she eventually moves on with another guy, and basically ‘stop’s’ being a nun, and anyway, oh wait, watch!”

For Eddie’s excitement, Buck quickly turned his attention back to the screen, watching as a man and woman stood at what appeared to be an altar, another man rushing in through the doors.

“Eds what’s happening?”

Buck couldn’t take his eyes off the screen, the two of them now sat up, shoulders knocking together.

“This is the part!”

Eddie began to point out who all the characters were, Buck quickly catching on based off Eddie’s previous explanation.

“Wait, but I thought he left her?”

“I know, we all did too!”

As it turned out, the priest came back to get the girl, the one who was about to marry someone else, asking her to run away with him.

“Damn that’s so crazy! He really came back after all that time?”

Eddie nodded his head a little excitedly. “None of us could believe it! When I tell you my abuela was shook.” Buck turned toward Eddie then, brows raised high. “I’m sorry, did you just try to use ‘hip lingo’?”

Eddie gave that fond roll of his eyes, shoving playfully at Buck.

“I can be cool too, you know?”

Buck doubted that, though he didn’t get a chance to rebuttal, Lulu scratching at them because she wanted to go outside. Eddie hopped off the bed beckoning Buck to stay, grabbing for the leash before taking her outside.

By the time they came back, Buck was deep in his phone, Eddie snatching it out of his hand before he realized anyone was there. “Are you—research binging Esperanza mía?” Buck smiled sheepishly, not denying it.

Eddie tossed his phone to the side in an instant, body coming down to blanket over Buck. Their lips met in an instant, Bucks fingers curling around Eddie’s hips. It wasn’t long before they were sliding hands under shirts to feel for bare skin, their shirts quickly lost to the floor soon after. Sure, they’d had countless stolen moments back at camp, but nothing felt as good as this, skin to skin, their bodies warming each other wholly.

Between kisses, Buck couldn’t help but to be a little shit.

“So, telenovela talk really gets you in the mood, huh?”

Eddie did a sharp grind of his hips over Buck, the movement causing him to moan right into their next kiss.

“Makes me wanna marry you or something.”

“Well you’d have to propose first.”

They both stopped then, finally seeming to realize what they’d said.

“So is that a yes?”

Instead of answering, Buck toyed with the fingers on his left hand.

“You don’t even have a ring.”

Eddie eyed him keenly before slipping away from him, leaving Buck cold and confused. Shoving his elbows into the mattress, Buck watched as Eddie fumbled around with his bag, the glow from the tv giving off the only light in the room. Lulu watched just as curiously from her bed, Buck tilting his head when Eddie lifted the chain from around his neck.

When Eddie finally returned to the bed, his dog tags were back around his neck, the chain slightly shorter than before. Buck raised his hands to the metal, flicking the tags with a finger.

“You know you could get in trouble for this, right?”

Eddie shrugged. “You’re worth it.”

Buck didn’t know what to say to that, a bashful smile spreading across his lips. Eddie pulled Buck so he was sitting up then, both of them sat on their legs, knees meeting in the middle. He waited with baited breath as Eddie held his fist between them, looking Buck over ever so carefully, as if he was something worth loving.

“I love you.”

Buck blurted out the words before he could stop them, Eddie huffing out a laugh.

“Yea, I guess I should start with that.”

Buck brought a hand up to rub over his face, sighing into it.

“We’re doing everything backwards.”

Eddie’s hand came over his, pulling it down, keeping it with the one that wasn’t holding whatever makeshift thing he’d made.

“Baby breathe.”

As Eddie inhaled, Buck did too, the two never more in sync, their breaths tangling together as they let them out simultaneously.

Eddie looked Buck over for a moment before continuing on, squeezing his hand in reassurance.

“Well, I guess I should start by telling you I love you, even though I’m sure you already know that.” Buck smiled for that, Eddie leaning forward to seal it with a kiss.

“You’ve been quite the pain in my ass since day one, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that you’ve always got my six, Lu’s too. Whenever I think the nightmares are gonna take over, you’re there, always keeping me steady.”

Eddie’s finger reached up to brush away the tear Buck hadn’t known he’d shed, Buck leaning into his touch.

“So I know this is completely backwards because I already asked you, but I wanna try this again properly.” Eddie opened up his fist then, taking the piece between his fingers, holding it up between them. Buck was mesmerized on it, completely lost until Eddie pulled him back, never letting him drift too far.

“Evan.”

Their eyes, met, brown holding blue, Eddie taking Buck’s left hand in his.

“If I have to be in this hellhole we’ve learned to call home, then I’m glad it’s with you. And one day, when we get out of here, maybe we can make a home of our own.”

“You are my home, Eddie.”

“Will you just say yes already?”

They were leaned closer than necessary at this point, all but sharing one breath.

“You still haven’t asked me properly.”

Buck could all but feel Eddie’s eyes roll with how close they were, the man letting out an exasperated breath.

“Pain in my ass, light of my life Evan Buckley, will you marry me, please?”

Buck smiled against him as he pressed their lips together, Eddie’s matching his own, the two giddier than ever.

“Yes Eddie Diaz, love of my life, bane of my existence, I’ll marry you.”

Eddie slid the make-shift ring onto his finger, one he’d made out of the chain of his necklace, Buck gasping for how perfectly it fit. It was simple, far from a diamond, Buck loving it all the same; it was like getting to carry a piece of Eddie with him every day.

Lulu came to celebrate with them shortly after, though she quickly fled to her own bed once more of their clothes were shed, the two consummating the engagement.

When they did finally fall asleep, wrapped around each other, Buck didn’t think it was such a waste of time, snuggling further into his boy—fiancé.

If he could’ve, Buck would’ve stayed there forever, the place where he felt safest, wrapped in Eddie’s arms. But because the universe had never given him a break, and because Buck had never been that lucky, their happiness faded before it ever really began.

The person that he thought loved him most in the world would soon push him away, Buck not having a choice in the matter of staying. It didn’t matter though, not when Eddie didn’t want him anyway.

~

NOW

After finishing telling his sad sob story to the woman who was probably regretting ever sitting down next to him, Buck drowned himself in shots of whiskey, wishing they didn’t taste like Eddie from the night they’d gotten so wasted on base, Bobby nearly kicking them out himself.

Even when Eddie was gone, he was still right there, seemingly lurking around every corner.

When he woke the next morning, it was to the shrill ringing in his ears, the alcohol having faded hours ago. Buck sat up with blurred eyes, frowning as the bright sunlight came into view. He’d passed out in his jeep at some point, the day already half gone at this point. Shit.

He reached for a few of his pills, downing them dry, closing his eyes like he could somehow will them to work faster. Lulu was across the backseat—what was left of it— sat up a little straighter now that Buck was awake.

“Whata you say girl—should we get this shit-show back on the road?”

Lulu gave a low grumble, Buck giving himself a few more moments to fully wake before hoping out and opening the back door, Lulu soon joining him. In hindsight, he should’ve grabbed the leash, but they’d never needed it in the past. Lulu always listened, knew all their commands. He forgot the part where Lulu wasn’t herself these days.

Before Buck could even blink, Lulu was gone, Buck’s feet still bare of any shoes.

“Lulu! Come!”

Lulu did in fact not come back to him, Buck taking off in a full sprint in just his socks. Thankfully they weren’t on a busy highway, but rather in the middle of nowhere, that notion somehow making it all the worse.

He ran up the hillside and into the brush where he’d seen her go, calling out to her as he went.

“Lulu! Lu come!”

All of his attempts were lost to the wind, Buck becoming more breathless with every passing second, Buck cursing for every stray pebble or stick his socked feet landed on.

Lulu continued to wind in and out of the brush, Buck not far behind. He picked up is pace once more, completely missing the hillside that was just in front of him, his socks not helping to keep him steady in the slightest as he all but fell on his ass and rolled down the hill.

“Fuck!”

A series of curses flew from his mouth as he landed at the bottom with a thud, Buck wincing for the intense headache that instantly came on, the one that was always lingering. He lifted his hands to place his head in them, stopping when he felt something trickling down his arm. Blood.

“Well that’s just fucking great!”

Pulling away to look at it, Buck found a gash a few inches long, one that was no doubt going to require stitches. Ripping part of his shirt, Buck tied it around the wound, knowing he had to stop the bleeding.

He threw his head back in anger, sitting back up to grip one side of the t-shirt, pulling the knot tight. With his teeth gritted, Buck tried to breathe through the pain, the anger, closing his eyes tightly. His ears began ringing, Buck knowing he needed to calm himself, though having no idea how to. Stress always made everything worse for him.

Through blurred eyes, Buck saw tufts of brown fur in front of him, his furry only rising more to the surface.

“This is all your fault, don’t you see? You didn’t have our six that day!” Buck was all but foaming at the mouth, yelling at Lulu for things that weren’t her fault—not really.

“Don’t you get it Lu? No one want’s us. That’s why they put us together, the two rejects. You’re just as fucked up as I am.” Buck scoffed at his own words, letting his head fall back to the hillside behind him. “Your dad doesn’t want either of us. Maybe he never did.”

There was a sudden nudge to his arm then, Buck almost flinching for it. Lulu was closer to him than she’d been since they’d reconnected, Buck afraid to move or say anything that might scare her off. She nudged at the make-shift wrap over his arm, Buck letting himself lean into the touch, Lulu staying as she was.

He wanted to give up. To lie on the dirt and leaf covered ground and just let go. He wasn’t sure what he had left to fight for.

Another nudge to his arm had Buck taking in a few deep breaths before letting them out again, his eyes opening to Lulu, her stare persistent, worried.

“Fine, I’ll go. Let’s just—get this over with.”

He managed to get himself up without too much trouble, Lulu following behind him without a command in the world, like she was the most loyal dog ever; it reminded Buck of how things used to be.

They made it back to his jeep, Buck opening the back for Lulu to hop in before taking his spot in the driver’s seat, guiding them forward. When they got to the clinic, Buck made Lulu promise not to bite anyone, wanting her next to him. He hated hospitals, hated being stuck inside them for hours; he hated being alone.

He put the muzzle on her just in case, wanting both her and others around them to be safe. She easily complied, letting Buck leash her up after.

As they sat in the room waiting for the doctor to come in, Buck felt restless, swinging his legs back and forth over the side of the bed. Lulu nosed into his space, seeming to realize he needed the comfort, though she kept her space, lying just below him.

Buck knew he was lucky to be in this room and not laid out in the dirt shaking violently without being able to control his body, but he still hated it.

“You know,” Buck started, sighing a bit before continuing on. “Those brain doctors said I’d never see straight. That I’d have headaches, and if I got stressed out that I’d have seizures and die—well it was some bullshit like that.” Buck hadn’t really been listening at the time, his memory always a little fuzzy since then anyhow.

Buck shook his head, Lulu letting out a huff below him. “Not your dad though. Nope. They just let him right back in.”

Eddie had gotten to stay, Buck made to leave. Even if he had been able to stay, it wouldn’t have mattered. Eddie didn’t want him to.

The doctor came in then, shaking him out of his thoughts, Lulu growling when they stepped closer to Buck.

“Easy girl. It’s ok.”

They were both able to make it through the procedure, Buck coming out with six stitches, ones he’d stupidly wished Eddie was there to hold his hand for.

With everything patched up, Buck thanked the doctor before leading Lulu back out, the two of them hopping into the jeep like it was their new routine. He knew he only had a limited amount of time to make it to Eddie’s parents’ house, Buck against the race of some invisible finish line. Even so, he couldn’t seem to muster up the strength.

Buck knew what was on the line, knew he’d get back what he’d lost if he completed this mission. Even so, it was difficult to motivate himself.

Instead of getting back on the road, Buck rented the cheapest motel he could find, holing himself and Lulu up in it for a couple of days to help right himself. He didn’t have a lot of people he could call besides Bobby, but he didn’t want his Cap to know that he was already failing. There was always Hen or Chim, but they’d probably report back to Bobby, only because they cared about him. The only other option left was—

His thoughts paused as his phone began to vibrate, the universe seeming to decide for him.

“Hey Mads.”

Maddie was the last person he wanted to talk to. Not because he didn’t love her, because he did, so damn much, it was only that she always read right through him, Buck trying not to tear up just for hearing her voice. He may or may not have left her a half-assed letter on the counter, knowing he wouldn’t have the strength to tell her face to face.

She’d come back to him in his year away from the army, Maddie eventually opening up about her awful boyfriend turned husband, the one Buck hoped he’d never have to lay eyes on. In turn, Buck told her a little of what he’d been up to, purposefully leaving out all that was Eddie, though that all went out the window the night she’d witnessed one of his seizures. Buck had spent the next day telling her the entire sob story that was Eddie Diaz, Maddie never once making fun of him, only listening, hugging him tightly when he needed it most. He wished she were here to do that now.

“Evan, are you—are you ok? Bobby told me what happened, where you went.”

Maddie was a nurse and had been working a double when everything concerning Eddie had come about. He should’ve stayed around to fill her in, but he knew the others would eventually.

“I uh—I don’t know what the hell I’m doing Mads. Lulu hates me, nothing is going right, Eddie is…”

He couldn’t say it aloud, let alone admit it to himself.

“Hey, it’s going to be ok, alright? Where are you? I can come to you.”

He would love that more than anything, though he knew this was something he needed to do on his own. He needed to do it for himself, Lulu, Eddie….Eddie’s kid too.

“No uh, it’s ok, really. Maybe we could just—talk, about anything.”

“Of course. Chimney asked me to dinner tomorrow night.”

Buck instantly groaned at that. The moment he’d introduced them they’d been smitten, Buck only jealous that Eddie hadn’t been there so they could rub it back in their faces.

They talked for a few hours, Lulu on the rug near the door, Buck on the bed, Maddie’s comforting voice drifting through the room.

He was able to get them back on the road the next morning, driving through the next few days only stopping to rest, sleep or get food, Buck knowing he was running out of time.

Eddie’s parents wanted Lulu and his things at some makeshift memorial thing, one Buck would not be attending; Eddie wasn’t gone.

If he got there on time, Bobby would sign the paperwork to get him reinstated, the documents he’d been trying to get in for months; well, over a year now really.

He turned the wipers on as rain began to fall down from the over casted sky, thunder rumbling somewhere in the distance, flashes of yellow striking the sky just in front of him.

He’d never minded the rain, though storms always put him a little on edge, especially when he was having to drive a little faster than he normally would. The ceremony was tomorrow afternoon, Buck doing everything he could to get there on time.

Lulu was quiet behind him, laying in the backseat with her head resting over her paws. Day quickly turned to night, the pounding rain against the jeep only making it that much more difficult to see.

Buck glanced in the rearview for a moment, looking Lulu over, noting how peaceful she looked.

“Hope you’re ready for tomorrow, Lu.”

With his attention back on the road, Buck kept on.

“They want the hero war dog, one that’s all sad and stoic. You know, the one that’s just missing her hero war daddy.” Buck sighed to himself, Lulu not showing any emotion one way or the other.

“They definitely don’t want me, that’s for sure.” Buck was damaged, broken; not everything could be fixed.

Besides, Lulu was the real hero; or so he’d been told anyway.

A loud screeching sound, one that wasn’t coming from his ears, pierced through the jeep, Lulu crying out behind him.

“Shit. No, no, no!”

Buck brought the jeep to a halt as more clanking noises sounded, smoke filtering out from the hood. Jumping out, Buck was instantly drenched in the downpour, popping the hood to look things over, more smoke clouding his vision. It was a mess under there, Buck cursing as he slammed the hood down and made his way back inside.

Grabbing for his phone, Buck let out a frustrated sigh.

“Of course not. Why would we have service?”

Lulu whined behind him, Buck feeling overwhelmed all at once.

They were in the middle of fucking nowhere, no service, no one to stop for help. There wasn’t anything else they could do, Buck knowing they still had a lot of ground to cover before tomorrow.

Fuck it.

He grabbed the backpack with Lulu’s binder and all of Eddie’s things before turning in the seat to attach the leash to Lulu. Throwing his door open, he quickly did the same with Lulu’s, the two of them taking off into the storm, running as fast as they could.

The rain pounded down against them, Buck trying to shield himself against it as best he could, pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt. He tried not to think about the fact that it was actually Eddie’s and not his, pushing the lingering memory away. He wouldn’t let himself think about the fact that he’d never get to smell Eddie again, the scent that always brought him comfort, safety.

Buck squinted as a large building came into view, one that was metal, looking like and old bar or something. It was the only thing in sight for miles, Buck veering them off toward it, thankful when the large door slid right open, letting them in and out of the storm.

It was as dark inside as it was out, Buck pulling Lulu’s leash tighter when she tried to spin around in circles. He picked up a few things as he went, trying to find some sort of light.

“Hello? Anyone here?”

He knew it was a ridiculous notion, but it felt wrong not to ask just in case.

Up near the back was a desk with an old box framed tv on it, a lamp sat next to it. Buck clicked the switch, sighing a little in relief as it came on. It wasn’t much, though it beat being in the dark, something Buck had become all too used to these days.

There was a phone there as well, one that of course had no service. He really wasn’t sure why he had expected it to. Nothing on this trip was going as planned.

Buck looked around, noting there wasn’t anything of use to them in there.

“Alright Lu, we um we gotta go.”

He hadn’t seen anything else around, but there had to be something, right? They didn’t have time to waste in a practically abandoned building.

As he began to walk back toward the still opened door, Lulu resisted, pulling back on the leash.

“Easy girl. It’s ok.”

Lulu wasn’t having it, tugging back on the leash as she went into a fit of barking. She tried to jump up on him, Buck flinching away from her for the first time, afraid of what she might do. A bolt of lightning lit the place up, a loud boom of thunder clapping above them. Lulu began to bark like crazy, Buck understanding she was afraid of the storm. He was too. Even so, they couldn’t stay here.

He tried to calm her down, talking to her softly as he tugged on the leash, Lulu not budging in the slightest.

“It’s just thunder Lu, you’re ok girl.”

She wasn’t having it, jumping up onto him again as she bared her teeth, ferociously barking at him. Buck dropped the leash as he began to feel overwhelmed once more.

“Fine. You wanna go, let’s have it out!”

He began to yell at her, Lulu barking back, the two of them all but in a screaming match. He was arguing…with a dog.

Buck threw his hands up in the air as he let out a scream, one that was filled with all the pain he’d been bottling up. Lulu stood there without a sound, the two of them now in a stare-off.

Buck left her to it as he made his way outside and into the storm, kneeling so that he was sat on his knees. He couldn’t tell his tears from the rain, Buck feeling completely beat down. He couldn’t do anything right.

He scrubbed his hands over his face before standing and turning to look back into the building, Lulu now laid in and old recliner.

How the hell had he gotten here, and what was he trying to prove by brining himself and Lulu all this way?

Making his way back inside, Buck’s entire body shivered. He slipped out of what he could, laying them to dry while grabbing some of his extra clothes from the backpack. Lulu watched him carefully, tracking his every movement, Buck looking over to her with a weighted sigh.

“It’s ok girl. Let’s just—chill out here for a bit, yea?”

Lulu gave a huff, though she relaxed back into the chair, Buck taking it as a win. It didn’t last long, Lulu crying out as another round of thunder boomed in the sky.

Think, think, think.

An idea suddenly came to mind, Buck grabbing Lulu’s binder from the backpack. He flipped through it until he found what he was looking for, stopping at the discs. There was a player under the tv, one Buck was hoping worked.

“Ok Lu, cross your paws this works.”

He clicked it on, both the tv and DVD player powering to life, Buck raising a fist in victory.

“Ok girl, what’s it gonna be….you’re greatest hits, or telenovelas?”

Lulu’s greatest hits were—well her greatest hits, or attacks, to be more exact. That seemed a little dark at the moment, Buck opting for the alternative. He popped it into the player and turned the volume up high, Lulu’s attention now glued to the tv.

Buck had no idea what was going on in this episode; it wasn’t one Eddie had gotten to explain to him. He wasn’t sure why both Eddie and Lulu were so enamored in them, but Buck had always sat by happily, snuggled between them both. Now though, now he sat alone, on a hard and cold concrete floor, wishing for the storm to stop; it hand’t let up in over a year now.

He fished out some of the snacks he’d gotten along the way, handing out every other bite to Lulu, the two of them sitting there in comfortable silence for once.

Pulling the binder into his lap, Buck flipped through it, quickly getting lost on all the designs he’d made over their time together, ridiculous drawings of Lulu and the three of them, Eddie having kept them all. Amongst them were letters, ones Eddie had written to Lulu, a few new ones Buck had never seen.

He pulled one out to read, Lulu turning her attention from the tv to him, almost as if she knew it was for her.

‘I woke for an instant when I saw you covered in dirt. You’ve taken bullets before, but this was the worst. The guilt still haunts me. I know that you did what you did that night, so none of your brothers had to die. When they took you away, I was sure we’d run out of time, and that’s when it hit me, girl. I was never your handler. You were actually mine. —your brother, Diaz.’

Buck swiped at the new batch of tears he’d shed, something gleaming in Lulu’s eyes as well. He pulled out the next one.

‘They’re back again, the nightmares dragging me down like the day I let you go. I wasn’t there to protect you. I stayed anyway. We were two broken pieces, destined to drift apart. I let it happen. I can still feel you next to me, the familiar twist of the chain engrained into me like the night you left. Thanks for saving my life, even when I didn’t deserve it. You were always my partner, but never really mine. —the other half of your heart, Eddie.’

The paper shook in his unsteady hands, Buck’s eyes blurred from all of his tears. He let his hand with the letter drop to the floor as he pulled his knees up, resting his head over them. The book was supposed to be for Lulu, everything about her. It was like Eddie somehow knew this would end up in Buck’s hands. If he couldn’t be there for Lulu, he knew that Buck would.

“I’m sorry I let you down. I’m—I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

His words faded into the storm, Buck letting his head fall back against the wall as he slowly drifted off. Maybe one day those broken pieces would drift back together, but Buck knew that was impossible. It was real; Eddie was gone.

~

As soon as the sun was up, Buck was beckoning Lulu to follow, the storm thankfully having subsided hours ago.

They had a lot of ground to cover in a short amount of time, no vehicle to help get them there. With Eddie’s backpack slung over his shoulders, their tangled dog tags on his neck, Buck stepped out into the sunlight, Lulu right at his side.

They walked down the large open road, nothing but fields surrounding them, Buck lifting his thumb in the air to anyone that passed. Hitchhiking was dangerous—he’d done all the research—but there really weren’t any other options; none that would get them there in time at least.

Finally, a truck carrying hay passed by, Buck all but begging them to stop and give them a ride. The driver was nice enough to do so, the two of them hopping into the back, Buck grateful to be off his feet for the time being. Lulu stayed close to him for once, not flinching away when he brushed a hand over her back.

The ride only took them so far, Buck and Lulu jumping out when the driver reached their destination, thanking them as they went.

It was a hot day, the two of them practically out in the dessert, Buck pushing them on. He started up a slight jog, wanting to cover the most amount of ground, Lulu following right along, the leash tugging at his side. When Buck began to slow down, Lulu did too, though she took it an extra step. The leash pulled as Lulu made to lie down on the asphalt, Buck stood there with frustration. He pulled on the leash a few times, Lulu not budging in the slightest. Well, he was just going to have to try another approach.

“C’mon Lu, let’s do this.”

He’d learned this maneuver out on the field, though they’d never had to use it; not until now.

Removing the leash, Buck hoisted her up into his arms, placing Lulu over his shoulders, his arms securely tucked around her. Lulu didn’t complain, Buck suddenly wishing he could be a dog.

He trudged forward, not stopping until he saw the gates, the ones that would lead them to Eddie’s family, his son, and everything Buck had been trying to put behind him.

“C’mon girl, we can make it.”

He carried her all the way down the dirt path, not stopping until they reached the ceremony. It was supposed to be a memorial, a celebration of life. If you asked Buck, it just looked like a funeral.  

Bending to his knees, Buck slowly lowered Lulu to the ground, the dog not moving from his space. There were people littered all around, some Buck recognized, others he’d never seen before. Up at the front, was a giant picture of Eddie in uniform. It didn’t showcase any of who Eddie really was. To them, he was just a solider who’d never come home; To Buck, well, he was so much more.

Sitting up at the front was a little boy, one that was no more than three or four, unruly curls falling all across his face, red rimmed glasses just below them. Their eyes connected then, the little boys face lighting up, his smile reminding Buck of one he’d seen too many times to count.

Buck had never wanted to come here, had told himself he wouldn’t stay, though now that he was here, he couldn’t seem to leave.

Lulu took off from him then, Buck quietly chastising her in hushed tones, not wanting to disrupt the ceremony.

The little boy reached a hand out as Lulu came toward him, Buck all but throwing himself between the two of them. Lulu landed in his lap, licking her tongue out at the little boy, Buck watching as he giggled with joy. So much for her being a danger to herself and others.

There was a couple suddenly in front of him, ones that looked to be Eddie’s parents, their glares staring down to him.

“Am I to presume you’re Mr. Buckley?” The woman said, frowning down to him.

“Uh yea, yea that’s me. Just Buck is fine.”

She nodded to him, the man reaching a hand down to help him up, Buck taking it with caution. Lulu settled right into the little boy, Buck’s heart melting at the entire scene.

“We need to have a discussion with you. After the ceremony of course.”

Buck could only nod his head, the two stepping away to get back to things, Buck settling in on the other side of Lulu.

“Hey buddy. This is Lulu, and I’m Buck.”

The little boy excitedly pointed to himself. “Kiss-kiss!”

Buck frowned for a moment before finally catching on.

“You’re Christopher?”

The boy—Chris—shook his head, toothy smile plastered over his face.

Lulu moved to rest her head over Chris’ lap, the little boy smiling down to her, pushing a tiny hand into her fur, right behind her ears. Buck didn’t have time to react, though Lulu stayed still as ever, Buck surprised by her mannerisms for the second time that day.

The ceremony was a blur to Buck. He was too lost on Christopher, the son Eddie had never mentioned.

Once it was over, Buck found himself stood in front of Eddie’s parents, Helena and Ramon, the two looking stern as ever. Buck kept his eyes trained on Chris and Lulu, not wanting either of them out of his sight.

Helena began first, Buck listening as best he could, only tuning in when a particular word past her lips.

“So, once you finish getting rid of the dog, we can talk about—this.” A yellow envelope was handed out to him, one he frowned at as he took in hand.

“Uh, what do you mean by ‘get rid of the dog’?”

Ramon scoffed, flitting his hand over to Lulu. “I’ve heard all the stories about her. We just wanted to thank her for her service, but Captain Nash assured us you would drop her off at the facility after.”

What? Facility? Buck was so confused.

His ears picked up with that high pitched ring, his headache suddenly at the forefront of his forehead; it was then he realized the buzzing had subsided when he’d been with Chris and Lulu.

As Eddie’s parents stepped away to mingle with some others, Buck pulled his phone out and hit his third favorite contact, opening up the papers while he waited for Bobby to pick up. He had his hands on the documents when Bobby answered, Buck’s eyes blurring as he tried to read them over.

“Buck, you don’t have to call to tell me you made it. I had no doubts that you would.”

While it was great Bobby had so much faith in him, Buck had other more pressing things to discuss.

“What’s this talk about me taking Lulu to some facility?”

There was silence on the other end for a moment, Buck listening as Bobby let out a weighted sigh.

“I’m sorry kid. We should have told you.”

“Told me what?”

Buck was starting to feel like he’d been put in the dark on a few things now.

“Listen Buck, there’s no easy way to say this, but Lulu has to be put down. It’s coming from the higher ups. I’m sorry kid.”

Buck all but dropped the phone, along with the papers he was holding in hand. As Bobby went on, his voice faded out, Buck’s eyes finally focusing on the words in front of him. It was a legal document of some kind, Buck not understanding half of it. At the bottom, in layman’s terms, Buck read the following: In the event that something happens to me, I—Edmundo Diaz—leave Evan Buckley as guardian of my son—Christopher Diaz.

The papers fell from his hands at the same time the phone slipped out of his grip.

Buck stood there frozen, voices all around calling out to him, the ringing in his ears all but squealing at this point. He bent to pick up his phone and the loose papers before taking off at a sprint, Lulu suddenly at his side, almost as if she’d sensed he needed her in the moment more than Chris did.

He had no idea how long he walked, Lulu staying right at his side, never wavering. When a hotel came into sight, Buck knew he needed to reel it in for the night.

The hotel felt as lonely as his heart, Buck taking one bed, Lulu hopping up onto the other. He downed a few of his pills with the bottle of alcohol he’d bought at the store upfront, Buck trying to settle as he leaned his head back against the headboard.

Eddie was gone, Lulu had to be put down, and Buck had been left as Christopher’s legal guardian.

He scrubbed his hands down his face, willing it all to go away.

Buck wasn’t ready to give up on Eddie or to let go of Lulu; he certainly wasn’t ready to be a father.

It was all too much, Buck burying his head in his hands as he let the tears fall freely. His sobs echoed in the quiet room, his words all but choked off.

“I can’t do this without you.”

At some point, Buck had fallen asleep, waking again a few hours later to that all too familiar high-pitched ringing. It felt more intense this time, Buck gasping as he tried to sit up. His body was covered in a slick sweat, his vision blurred.

‘if you get too stressed out, you could have a seizure and die.’

He managed to sit up on the bed, his head placed between his hands as he rocked his body back and forth, humming to himself. Standing from the bed, the ringing continued to pierce through his ears, Buck running into the lamp as he made for the bathroom. His hands tightened against the cool sink, Buck trying to lean into it, only to be caught off balance once more, taking the shower curtain with him as he fell to the floor.

He moved from his side to his back, his body turned at a weird angle with his arm awkwardly hung over his body. The ringing continued as his breathing picked up, Buck’s body shaking uncontrollably.

When it finally stopped, Buck still felt like he couldn’t catch his breath, too much spit caught in his throat. He knew he needed to move, to get onto his side, but he felt plastered in place, more tired than he’d felt in weeks.

With great effort, he managed to turn to his side, gasping a little as he tried to catch his breath. Staying on the ground, Buck crawled on all fours to the bathroom entrance, seeking the comfort of the bed. Lulu was stood just outside the door, looking him over cautiously. He suddenly wished Lulu had been trained on seizures instead of finding drugs and the enemy.

“I’m o-k girl.”

He was breathless, Lulu not taking her eyes off him. She whined a little as he got closer, Buck reassuring her once more.

“M-kay girl. I’m k.”

He reached a cautious hand up to her then, only continuing on when she didn’t pull away, Buck’s hand landing just behind her ear. He rubbed at it slowly, Lulu eventually leaning into the touch; he was pretty sure it brought them both the same amount of peace.

Feeling weightless, Buck finally let himself fall to floor, Lulu crawling right into the open space next to him, resting her head and paw over his outstretched arm. He used that arm to rub over her back, bringing his other up to rub over her head and ears, Lulu moving so that her head was tucked just under his neck. It was something him and Eddie used to do with the other, the sensation always comforting him, especially now.

~

When he woke in the morning, Lulu was still pressed up against him, Buck feeling like he’d gone through another battle.

He had no idea where to start, though taking on Eddie’s parents somehow seemed easier than dealing with the Lulu situation.

After showering, Buck pulled on a pair of jeans with his boots, staring at his reflection in the mirror afterward. His arm was itching like crazy from the stitches, Buck taking his pocket knife out to cut them out; what was one more scar?

The dog tags hung from his neck, Eddie’s just slightly shorter than his, Buck’s eyes instantly looking down to his ring finger, twisting at the chain there.

He huffed out a sigh, willing himself to forget about it all as he packed his and Eddie’s things, making sure Lulu’s binder was safely tucked among them. With Lulu in tow, they headed out, Buck calling for a ride this time. While a walk would clear his head, he was still tired from the seizure, needing a little more downtime before dealing with Eddie’s parents.

The Diaz residence somehow looked bleaker than the day before, Buck suddenly missing the bustle of people. He would have to deal with Helena and Ramon on his own now.

As the door was opened, Lulu took off, no doubt going in search of Chris; Buck wanted to do the same.

Eddie’s parents were polite overall, offering him drinks and food, welcoming him into their home. They all took a seat outside at a set of picnic tables, Chris playing nearby with Lulu right at his side. Buck noted the boy had crutches as he walked along, his smile shining brighter than ever. Buck had no idea how, but he was going to protect that kid as if he was his own, no matter what it took.

“As I’m sure you’re aware Mr. Buckley,” Helena started, Buck refraining from correcting her. “The boy’s mother isn’t in the picture. She didn’t even make Eddie aware that she was pregnant until long after she’d had Christopher.”

No. No he didn’t know any of that.

Buck simply shook his head, unsure of how to answer.

“I honestly have no idea why my son chose you to be his guardian Mr. Buckley—”

“Buck—its’ just…Buck.”

Helena briefly paused, nodding over to him. While his name didn’t seem important to most, it was to him. Eddie was one of the few who understood that.

“Yes, well Buck, I’m not aware of the brotherly bond you two shared out there, though it must’ve been strong if our Eddito picked you to raise his son.”

Brotherly bond? They had a bond like no other, sure, but brotherly wasn’t quite the word Buck would use to describe it.

Ramon seemed tired of the pleasantries, finally cutting to the chase.

“Listen kid, it’s clear that this was just as much of a surprise to you as it was us.” A few forms were placed on the table then, Ramon continuing on as he pushed them Buck’s way. “Our son wasn’t ready to be a father, and neither are you. Just sign the paperwork and we’ll get it all taken care of.”

Taken care of?

Buck frowned as he looked down at the papers, reading through them. If he signed them, he would revoke his right to be Christopher’s guardian, entrusting the boy’s life with Eddie’s parents.

It was clear that they loved Christopher and that the boy in turn loved them. It would be easy for Buck to sign them, to let Eddie’s parents take over the responsibility he was nowhere near ready for, but it wasn’t what Eddie wanted. For whatever reason, Eddie had picked him. Buck couldn’t let him down; not again.

Buck pushed the papers away from him, both Helena and Ramon raising their brows before turning to each other, then back to Buck again.

“I um, I know you guys don’t know me, and neither does Christopher, but I’d like to respect Eddie’s wishes.” I’d like to still have a part of the man I loved with me.

“You can’t even take care of yourself,” Helena pointed out, Buck knowing it was true.

“We looked into your history, and were told you’re planning on going back out into the field once you get clearance. Is that true?”

Buck couldn’t deny it. It was all he’d been working for the past year, Buck’s world suddenly turning upside down for not the first time this month. He’d lost Eddie but gained his son, one Buck had no idea how to care for. Maybe Bobby was right; maybe it was time for him to get out.

“I know that nobody here thinks I’m ready to raise a kid, myself included, but I’m willing to try.”

He would do anything for Eddie, Christopher too.

“I think you’re ready.”

They all turned at the new voice, one that was all but ingrained in Buck’s mind at this point, Buck’s heartbeat ticking up a few thousand beats. Lulu was on the move before anyone, Chris not far behind.

Their eyes locked, brown holding blue, Buck frozen in place.

“If I didn’t think you were ready for this Buck, I wouldn’t have chosen you to raise my kid.”

Buck had no idea how to respond, Eddie’s parents up and off the bench in an instant. Eddie’s eyes never left his, Buck all but glued to the bench.

“Match, match!” Christopher shouted, pointing to the crutches that were settled under Eddie’s arms, the ones that matched Christophers.

“That’s right buddy,” Eddie said, removing a hand from one of them to reach down and brush through Chris’ unruly curls. Lulu all but spun circles around him, Eddie splitting his love between both her and his son, Buck watching in awe.

He had no idea how this was possible. Eddie was gone.

If you asked Buck, he looked pretty damn real.

Eddie said something to his parents, Buck barely making out his mouth moving. He winced as his headache intensified, reaching his hand up to press his fingers just above his nose, willing it to stop as the ringing in his ears pierced through him.

“Buck.”

He heard his name called out, the person sounding like they’d said it more than a few times. There was a hand over his thigh, squeezing tightly, though in a reassuring way. When he managed to open his eyes, the pain had subsided some, his vision clearer, the ringing faded.

Eddie was sat next to him, his left leg outstretched in front of him, wrapping covering whatever injuries he’d endured, Lulu resting her head over his opposite leg.

“You ok?”

It was a loaded question, the least of one’s Buck wanted to answer, but they had to start somewhere he supposed.

“Yea. They just uh, intensify sometimes.”

Eddie furrowed his brow, clearly not liking Buck’s answer.

“Buck, have you seen a doctor about—”

Buck waved him off. “Eddie, who gives a shit about me! How the hell are you even here. You’re—they told me you were gone.”

Eddie gave him a soft smile then, finally removing his hand from Buck with one last squeeze.

“First off, I give a shit dumbass, secondly, well—it’s sort of a long story.”

Buck huffed out a laugh. “Yea, well I could’ve guessed that.”

Their eyes caught again, Buck suddenly lost in the past, one they would never get back. They hadn’t seen each other in over a year, Buck knowing too much time had passed.

“Do you remember the last thing we said to each other?”

Buck gave Eddie an incredulous look before looking back away, the other man’s gaze all too intense.

“I’d be lying if I said they weren’t all I thought about this last year.”

He heard Eddie push out a sigh, knowing the other man had been doing the same all this time. Buck wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

They were here now, but both still lost on the past. That day was embedded into Buck’s mind; well, what was left of it anyway.

THEN

The mission started out like any other, Buck and Eddie matching each other stride for stride, Lulu right alongside them. Their orders were clear, Bobby going over it with them several times before sending them out, each of them knowing their marks. Getting ambushed wasn’t part of the plan.

Everything happened so fast, none of them having time to react. One minute, Eddie was right in front of him, Lulu somewhere between, the next Buck waking up in the hospital, a place he’d become all too familiar with over the years.

His head was pounding with a ringing so intense that he couldn’t focus on anything around him, his vision blurred and unfocused. There were doctors all around him, asking him all kinds of questions he couldn’t even begin to answer.

As it turned out, he’d been there for about a week, no one telling him what had happened. They told him they wanted to see if he could remember on his own, that they wanted to know the degree of his injuries. All he heard for weeks were the same three words: TBI, also known as, traumatic brain injury.

Buck hated it; he hated even more that he couldn’t do a research binge on all that TBI’s entailed, his head now constantly pounding, usually followed by a ringing in his ears along with blurred vision.

He constantly asked for Eddie and Lulu, even settling for Bobby, Chim, or Hen when he was told they weren’t available. He was three weeks in when he finally got his wish, Lulu’s furry head poking around the corner just before he saw Eddie’s boots.

Eddie looked to be in almost as bad a shape as he was, though he seemed more put together mentally. Buck was still learning how to do everyday tasks, becoming more and more frustrated when he couldn’t complete something that was so simple or that used to be second nature to him.

Lulu hopped up onto his bed before Eddie could dissuade her, Buck grunting a little for it, though otherwise welcoming her comforting presence.

“Hi baby,” Eddie said as he came to stand next to him, pushing a hand through Buck’s hair, Buck leaning into the touch. It was the calmest he’d felt since waking up, two of his favorite people surrounding him.

“Eds I—what happened? They won’t tell me anything.”

Eddie gave him a look of sympathy before moving to sit on the bed, taking Buck’s hand in his, rubbing a finger over the chain on Buck’s ring finger.

“What do you remember?”

Buck let out a weighted sigh. It was the same thing he’d been asked for weeks.

“I don’t know. We were in that tunnel, you were right in front of me, Lu by my side and then I woke up here.” He shrugged his shoulders, turning away from Eddie to focus on Lulu.

“We were ambushed. They bombed us. You—you went sailing before I could reach you. I saw your head hit the ground and then—then I woke up in the hospital too.”

Apparently, they both had TBI’s, though Eddie’s was a much milder case than Buck’s, the doctors having let him out the week before.

“And how’s our girl?” Buck asked, wanting to make sure she was ok while simultaneously taking the attention off of them.

“Fine. She uh, she drug me out of there I guess, kept an eye on the both of us until help arrived.”

Buck could only nod his head, running his fingers through her fur. There’s was more, something Eddie wasn’t telling him.

“You gonna tell me the real reason they finally let you in here?”

Eddie quickly turned to Buck, his face dropping a little in color.

“They’re shipping me back out next week.”

Oh.

“So I’ll just join you in a few weeks then. It’ll be fine Eds. I mean, we’ve already made it this long.” He huffed out a little laugh, Eddie staying stoic as ever.

When Eddie didn’t say anything, Buck continued on, hating the weird silence that was settling between them.

“I mean, I’ll probably miss Lu a little more than you, but she should obviously go with you since I can’t be there to protect you, and—”

“Buck, you’re not coming.”

“Uh, what-what do you mean?”

Eddie turned to face him then, letting out a heavy sigh as he took both of Buck’s hands in his.

“There’s no easy way to tell you this Buck, but I asked Bobby if I could be the one to do so.”

Eddie paused, Buck waiting with baited breath.

“They’re medically discharging you. You’re TBI is too severe and they don’t want to take any chances with your health.”

Eddie kept going, Buck not hearing any of it. The ringing in his ears became piercing, Buck suddenly full of a rage he couldn’t control.

“That’s bullshit! I did everything I was supposed to, and what, they’re just gonna toss me aside?”

He shook his head, hoping to help center himself, though it did little to help.

“C’mon Eds, you know I’m good, right? You can go vouge for me, tell Bobby and the others that I’m fine and ready to fight.”

Eddie pulled in his lower lip as he shook his head.

“Buck, you know I can’t do that. This is for your safety and theirs.”

Buck scoffed as he pulled his hands from Eddie’s grip, folding his arms across himself, wanting to protect what he still could.

“What, so I’m some fuckin’ liability now?”

“You have a TBI Buck, that’s a serious injury that can worsen if not treated correctly.”

“So do you! I don’t see them holding you back.”

Buck was heated, yelling at no one in particular until the doctors came in and gave him something to calm down, Eddie gone when he woke again, Lulu still laid at his side. Well at least someone still believed in him.

It was a few days later when he was finally released, Buck having it out with Bobby then and some of the other higher ups. All of his efforts went unnoticed, Bobby telling him that he would be on the next plane out of there. They all claimed that it was for his safety and well-being, and that they wanted to help him get better; Buck thought they were tossing him aside, just like everyone else did whenever they tired of him.

He was waiting, unwillingly, for his flight to take off when Eddie found him, Buck all but turning his nose up at the other guy.

“Buck, will you please—will you please just look at me?”

Buck refused, keeping his attention on Lulu who was laid at his feet.

“Evan.”

The tone was soft, endearing, Buck turning to Eddie in an instant.

“I love you. I know you know that, so please, don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“How is this hard for you? I’m losing everything here! There’s nothing for me to go back to!”

“Because I’m losing you, my partner, best friend…” Eddie reached out for his ring finger then, willing Buck to listen. “I’m losing my everything.”

Buck couldn’t look at Eddie, his emotions all over the place these days, Buck unable to control any of them.

“Then ask me to stay.”

Eddie shook his head, Buck already knowing what the man’s answer was going to be.

“You know I can’t.”

“You’ll fight for our country, but you don’t seem to be fighting very hard for me….for us.”

Tears welled in Buck’s eyes, Eddie’s voice full of regret.

“That’s not fair. I—this isn’t my choice, Buck.”

“But you agree with them, don’t you?”

When Eddie didn’t say anything for a moment, Buck took his silence as answer. Eddie didn’t think he was capable of staying either.

“I know you love me, and, and you know I love you.” Buck paused, fighting back tears as he pushed out the rest. “I guess I’m just broken to everyone.”

Eddie reached to take Buck’s hand in his, squeezing firmly.

“Hey, you’re not broken. You just need time to heal, that’s all.”

There was anger coursing through him, words the doctors had spewed to him coming to mind, something about severe mood swings. He didn’t want to keep taking his pain out on Eddie, the person he loved most.

“Whatever,” Buck spit back, tugging his hand away from Eddie. “Just admit that you agree with the doctors and don’t think I’m ready.”

“Fine.” Eddie threw his hands up with exasperation. “You’re not ready, and I think you should go home and heal. Is it so terrible that I want you to get better?”

“You don’t trust me! I’ve always had your back. One accident and you don’t think I’m capable of doing the thing I’ve been doing day in day out for the last year.”

The plane called for them to board, Buck wincing as his headache moved to the front, the ringing quick to follow.

Eddie reached for him again, reeling Buck in close, his voice pleading.

“Buck, please don’t leave this way.”

Buck pushed his way into the crook of Eddie’s neck, inhaling his favorite scent.

“Then ask me to stay Eds, tell me you want this to work.”

Eddie’s hands came up to rub over the back of his neck, brushing through the curls at the top of his head.

“You know I can’t. You, you have to go Buck.”

Buck stayed still for a moment, committing the moment to memory.

“You don’t want this to work, do you?”

“Of course I do!  I just—you should work on getting better first, yea?”

Buck nodded his head as he fought back another round of tears.

“Fine. I’ll work on getting better and you can work on forgetting me.”

“Hey, I could never forget you. I could never forget us.”

Buck bent to Lulu’s level, scratching behind her ears like she loved, pressing a kiss to her head, whispering in her ear. “Take care of our boy, yea?” She pawed at him, Buck knowing she understood.

He grabbed for his bag as he stood again, ignoring the thumping pain in his head. He walked away from Eddie and toward the boarding line, turning back at the last minute.

“You will though Eddie, and we both know it. It’ll be the same for me.”

There was nothing else said, no other words spoken. Some sort of finality lingered between them, one that would carry on into the next year. Buck drowned himself in his pain while Eddie tried to move on; neither of them were very good at either.

It wasn’t until later when Buck had gotten home that he realized he’d packed one of Eddie’s hoodies by mistake, or maybe habit. Either way it was just another piece of Eddie, Buck always wishing for the whole thing.

~

NOW

Eddie reached for his ring finger, rolling the worn chain back and forth.

“I see you didn’t forget about me.”

Buck caught sight of Eddie’s ring finger that was hovering over his, a tattoo matching the chain on his finger laid there.

“Guess you didn’t forget about me either.”

“I told you I wouldn’t. Not ever.”

Buck let their fingers slide together as he leaned his forehead to rest against Eddie’s, the two of them basking in each other, a stillness surrounding Buck for the first time since the accident.

“They want me to have her put down.”

Eddie pulled away from him then with a frown.

“She’s gotten worse, hasn’t she?”

Buck shrugged, guessing Eddie already knew the worst of it.

“She’s been off ever since our accident, but we had a few more mishaps since then. She’s hand’t been right in a while.”

“Yea, I think she kind of hated me at first when Bobby brought me to her, but we’ve grown on each other.” Buck tilted his chin toward the house. “She loves Chris too.”

“He’s an easy kid to love, huh?”

Buck easily agreed. “Yea, he’s pretty cute. Definitely more handsome than his dad.”

They shared an easy laugh, one that made Buck think things were going to be ok; he hadn’t felt like that in forever.

~

It turned out that Eddie had been badly injured, lost and presumed dead, some of the locals having found him and taken care of him until he was well enough to move on his own. His leg had taken the brunt of it, Buck still unsure what it looked like under all of the wrappings. The worst of it, according to Eddie, was that he’d been separated from Lulu, the two of them never knowing what happened to the other.

They talked for hours about all that happened while they were apart, Buck hating how they’d left things, how they’d let so much time pass. They were different now, both of them, Lulu too.

Eddie told him how he’d only found out about Christopher after he’d been born, the mom taking off and leaving Eddie with sole custody. He hadn’t known how to tell Buck, let alone be a father. By the time he’d found the words, they were both laid up in the hospital, Buck taking off with finality soon after.

With Eddie’s support, Buck finally began to take his treatment seriously, listening to what his doctors recommended, as well as trying some other things he’d found online. He began to heal, not just physically, but mentally too.

As for the army, they both decided to take their exit and make it permanent, neither of them quite ready to go back or willing to leave the other; they were thinking of applying to the fire academy instead.

Buck quickly became a part of not only Eddie’s life, but Chris’ too, the three of them working with Lulu every day, getting her the help she needed as well. He didn’t want to let go of any of them, not ever again.

It was several months later when they were at Eddie’s house, the two of them working to re-build not only their partnership but friendship as well, Buck hoping one day the rest would come back too. Chris was with Eddie’s parents for the day, the two of them sat back on the couch, beers in hand.

“You know, you uh, you never told me why you picked me to be Chris’ legal guardian.”

Eddie tipped his beer toward Buck, raising a brow. “I thought it was obvious.”

Buck gave a roll of his eyes. “Humor me anyway.”

Eddie sat up a little straighter then, stretching out his bad leg before setting his beer on the coffee table in front of them.

“I know my parents love him, and would do everything for him, but that’s not what I wanted for my son. I wanted someone who never gives up, who will keep fighting even when they’re being a pain in the ass.”

Buck gave his best innocent look, Eddie fondly rolling his eyes. A wince from Eddie had Buck immediately on edge and setting his own bottle down.

“Hey, you ok?”

Eddie shook his head as he gritted his teeth. “Yea just—just gets bad sometimes still.”

“What can I do to help?”

Eddie let out a breath of air as he breathed through the next round of pain, Buck trying not to make himself stress; it always brought on his TBI symptoms.

“Uh, maybe a bath? Sometimes that helps.”

A bath. Buck could do that.

“Yea of course, let me go get it started.”

Buck made sure the water was just right before plugging up the tub and pouring in the Epsom salts. Once the tub was full, he shut the water off and went to grab Eddie.

“Ok, it’s all ready for you. Is um—do you need help with anything else?”

It wasn’t the first time Buck had helped Eddie prepare for a bath, far from it in fact, but he’d seemed to be getting better lately, Buck not wanting to overstep.

Eddie reached out for him and Buck stepped closer, Eddie using Buck to lean some of his weight on. They moved down the hall at Eddie’s pace, Buck helping him to sit on the edge of the tub. Lulu making herself at home on the rug. He watched as Eddie took his shirt off, noting how bare his chest looked. Buck hadn’t been ready to let go of it until now, unsure of how Eddie would respond to it.

Lifting his hands up, Buck pulled the shorter chain from around his neck, producing it to Eddie. “Here, I um, I thought you might want these back.”

Eddie looked from the chain in his hands to the one around Buck’s neck, nodding to the latter. “I’d rather wear yours.”

Well, who was Buck to deny Eddie of that?

He reached back up to remove his own tags, replacing them with Eddie’s before holding out his own to Eddie. Eddie simply bent his head, Buck sliding the chain over his neck. As Eddie sat back up, Buck couldn’t seem to look away, Eddie either.

“I uh, I guess I’ll leave you to it.”

Before he could even get halfway out the door, Eddie was beckoning to him, Buck stopping in an instant.

“Stay.”

It was the one-word Buck begged Eddie for a year ago, the man offering it so easily now.

Buck stayed where he was, watching as Eddie undid his belt, wincing as he tried to lift himself while simultaneously trying to pull his pants down. Buck knelt in front of him, looking up to Eddie.

“Here. Let me.”

Eddie looked like he wanted to protest, though nodded his head for Buck to do so.

Buck was careful as he pulled them down, Eddie’s leg still not completely healed from his grueling injury. It was tough to see, scars and rough ragged skin lining Eddie’s leg, Buck hating that he hand’t been able to be there for him.

“It’s not pretty.”

“Yea but you are.”

Eddie huffed out a laugh, Buck easily smiling in turn.

It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Eddie’s injury in full, but it was the first time he allowed himself to look.

With Eddie in the tub, Buck grabbed up one of the loofas, soaking it in soap and water before running it over Eddie’s bare back.

“You’re beautiful Eddie. All of you.”

“What if I can never run again?”

It wasn’t the first time Eddie had asked that. It was one of the things they always did together back in the army, Buck still going on one every day. It was something that always helped to calm and focus him, Buck wishing Eddie could be by his side always.

“You will. I believe in you. We’ll both heal in our own time, yea?”

Eddie nodded, Buck reaching to place a soapy hand over Eddie’s shoulder, Eddie’s hand meeting his there, their ring fingers tangling together. Eddie leaned his head back so that he was resting against his chest, Buck wrapping his other arm around Eddie’s middle.

They stayed like that for a time, simply breathing each other in, their presence steadying the other.

“How’d you get this scar?”

Eddie’s finger ran along the two-inch scar over Buck’s forearm, the one that had healed long ago, leaving a bubbly mark behind.

Buck let out a chuckle. It hadn’t been funny at the time, far from it, but the memory made him laugh now. He glanced over to Lulu, nodding his head down to her.

“Our girl here decided to run away from me during our little road trip. I tripped and stumbled down a hillside, got caught on a stick or some shit.”

Eddie brushed his thumb back and forth across the scar, Buck shivering for the touch.

When they finally got Eddie dressed and out of the tub, Buck changed into something more comfortable, the three of them gathering in the bed, at Eddie’s request. They pulled out Lulu’s binder, Eddie looking over the things Buck had added from their road trip, pictures of him and Lulu, postcards of places they’d visited, along with a few new drawings, all lined with hearts and faces. Eddie shook his head with a fond smile as he flipped through them all.

“Looks like you two had a good time.”

“Yea well, we were missing our partner in crime.”

Lulu nosed at the DVD with the telenovelas, Buck easily obliging her as he stood from the bed and popped it into the machine, rejoining them on the bed after. Lulu laid at the end between their feet, Eddie turning so that he was facing him, Buck moving to do the same.

The humming in his head along with the headache didn’t bother him as much these days, especially when he was with Eddie; Chris and Lulu always helped to settle him too.

Eddie reached a hand up to brush over Buck’s head, fingers lingering over the patches on his head, the ones left behind from his injury.

“You came back home.”

Eddie nodded his head into Buck.

“Of course I did. You’re my home Ev. I’ll always come back to you.”

Their lips brushed together softly before Buck was pushing into Eddie’s, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s middle to pull him in closer. As Buck pulled Eddie to rest over him, he let the weight comfort him, rubbing a soothing hand over Eddie’s bad leg. Their chains tangled together between them, the steady beat of Eddie’s heart right over his own. Eddie linked their hands together, Buck’s chain meeting the raised skin of Eddie’s matching one.

Eddie was his home. He’d came back to him, Lulu and Chris too. They hadn’t ever forgotten each other, not really.