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Charlie’s supposed to be happy. He’s supposed to be feeling butterflies in his stomach and be tongue tied because he’s meeting his boyfriend for the first time in four weeks. Which isn’t a lot of time to an outsider, but after meeting almost every weekend, four weeks is a lot. He’s supposed to have a smile on his face and look like a lovestruck idiot waiting for his boyfriend to step out of the train so that they can hug or kiss or whatever it is that people do when they meet after that long, but all he can do is find himself unable to move.
He lets the crowd push him around as they queue at the platform, no doubt there to receive someone as well. He can’t find it in himself to keep looking for a familiar ginger-haired figure among the constant stream of people coming out of the train.
It’s stupid. It’s all in his head and not worth bothering about, and even then, he can’t shake off the feeling that Nick would be better off without him, without having to come home every weekend like he owed Charlie something.
The trips home are exhausting. Charlie’s seen that first-hand. There have been days when Nick was too tired to even speak properly, and all he wanted was to take a shower and collapse on the bed and be dead to the world till the next morning. He doesn’t owe Charlie visits home just because Charlie felt like he wouldn’t be able to live without seeing Nick at least once a week.
They’d worked out a schedule before Nick had left for Leeds. Nick decided to visit home every weekend, or at least twice a month. Sometimes Charlie would go to Leeds if he was free. It had been decided over late night texts and tearful calls and long-drawn hugs, but it’s the thing that’s worked out the best for them. Back when Nick had moved into his apartment near Leeds, most of his texts had revolved around wanting the week to pass quickly so that he could come home.
The thing is, Nick always texts Charlie about when his train is going to reach the station. It’s the same train every time, and it always reaches the station at the exact same time, and Charlie wouldn’t be lost if he didn’t receive a text, but that isn’t what’s bothering him.
It’s the fact that Nick hasn’t texted him about it this week.
Maybe he’s forgotten, maybe he was busy with his rugby match that happened yesterday, or maybe he just…finds it annoying, coming here every week.
They’d been fine. Charlie’s gotten used to not having Nick around him all the time, but the feeling’s been growing a lot more ever since Nick posted that picture.
It was a picture that Nick had posted of himself and his mates after their match against St. John’s, at a bar or a restaurant they’d gone to. If Charlie hadn’t had anything else to do that day, he would have most definitely spent all his time staring at his phone, zooming in over Nick’s face again and again. Tori would never have let him hear the end of it.
What stuck out to him about the picture was that Nick looked happy. They’d had a small not-quite fight before leaving, about Nick promising Charlie that he still loved him, that some distance between them wasn’t going to let their relationship fizzle out. Charlie remembers the serious look on Nick’s face when they drove to the station together, Nick not saying a word and only looking out of the window.
But he had held Charlie’s hand tightly throughout, like he didn’t want to let go. That should have counted for something, right?
Nick isn’t going to leave him. He’s promised Charlie the same thing time and again, over texts and calls and small gifts in the post — he isn’t going anywhere, he’s happy with Charlie and likes their relationship the way it is. Even then, Charlie’s fears hadn’t been dissipated.
The picture was only the beginning. Nick’s been posting a lot ever since he’s gone to Leeds. Pictures from huge, Harry Greene-style parties almost every month. From movie nights with his friends. A holiday organized by their college to the lovely, snow-filled Switzerland. He’s also seen a suggestive comment or two about Nick and one of the girls in his pictures, and it stings even though Nick’s out to his friends and everyone’s heard of Charlie.
The thing is, Nick looked happy when he was away at Leeds. Nothing like what he looks like now, lips drawn into a thin line and no cheer in his step as he makes his way to where Charlie is standing.
Charlie wants to say hi. He wants to take a moment and rest his forehead against Nick’s and forget about everything else. But he doesn’t seem to be able to lift his head to meet Nick’s eyes.
They’re shoe to shoe now. Charlie can feel Nick’s warmth through his clothes. He’s always warm, somehow. The sunshine to his darkness, or whatever Tao had jokingly said once.
“Charlie,” Nick says, and Charlie feels a lump in his throat. He’s being really stupid, wallowing in self-doubt when Nick has made the effort to come to Kent just to spend the weekend with him.
“Char,” Nick says again, hands reaching out to grip his shoulders firmly but gently. “You alright?”
Not yet, but he will be. Charlie shakes his head. It’s nothing. He’s not going to waste the already limited time he’s getting with Nick after four weeks of distancing himself from people on weekends because there’s been no Nick. He tries thinking about all the places he’d planned for them to go to and all the things he’d wanted them to do, but all that happens is a sob ripping its way out of his throat.
“Nick,” he breathes out, his name like a lifeline as he clings to him shakily. The whole world might be moving around them uncaringly but Nick is here and is the only thing Charlie needs at the moment. “You’re here.”
“I am,” Nick says, and Charlie squeezes his eyes shut when he hears the smile in Nick’s voice. “I am.” He puts his arms around Charlie and holds him back. Charlie is almost in awe of how casually he does it. This time two years ago Nick would have been hesitant to do anything more than hold hands, and although that’s not a bad thing at all, Charlie’s proud of how comfortable he’s become with who he is.
He's afraid of it, too.
He’s aware he’s holding Nick a bit too tightly, so he pulls away. There’s a slight dark stain on Nick’s orange jumper. It stands out more than Charlie would like it to.
“Char,” Nick says, hand tilting his face up gently to meet his eyes and Charlie absolutely can’t look away despite the concerned look on Nick’s face and the tears pooling in his eyes. He’s glad they’re not running down his face. Nick wipes the few fallen ones gently with his thumbs. “I don’t know what’s happened, but I’m here, alright?”
Charlie nods. Nick looks at him for a moment before leaning down to press the gentlest of kisses to his lips, hands tightening around Charlie’s wrists.
“We’re in the middle of a crowded station,” Charlie says, wiping at his eyes when he pulls away.
Nick shrugs. “They’ll manage.”
That elicits a surprised laugh out of Charlie.
“So, we’ll stay the night at your place and I’ll go visit mum tomorrow morning for a while. Then we can hang out wherever you want us to, and I’ll catch the train back right in the morning, okay?”
“Of course it is. More than. I’m…sorry,” he says, waving a hand to gesture to his dried tears and his overall mood. He tugs at Nick’s minimal luggage, seeking to do anything other than look at his boyfriend at the moment for obvious reasons.
“You’re not,” Nick says, bending down to press a quick kiss to his lips, “allowed to apologize to me. Especially when you’ve done nothing wrong. Let’s get home. I’ll make you some cocoa, alright?”
It’s so like Nick to worry about Charlie when he’s obviously tired.
“Sounds good.”
They walk to the bus in silence.
“Is something the matter?” Nick asks when they’re seated. “I don’t mind if you don’t tell me, but you know I’m always here to listen.”
The hell of it is that Charlie knows that. He’s witnessed it so many times, from when he’d cried for the first time in front of Nick to when he’d cried for the first time over the phone, not used to the distance between them, to when he’d cried happy tears when Nick had sent him a gift in the post for his birthday.
Nick is always honest with Charlie about everything. He deserves to know everything that goes on in Charlie’s mind, even if it’s things that will end up pushing him away.
He doesn’t understand why he shakes his head and sits by the window, looks resolutely outside and says, “Not really.”
He can feel Nick look at him for a moment, eyes burning into the back of his head, almost like he can read Charlie’s mind, before he reaches out hesitantly and loops his arm through Charlie’s for the rest of the journey.
It’s not till Nick’s fresh out of the shower with a mug of cocoa in his hand and a blanket draped over them that Charlie gives in and rests his head on Nick’s shoulder. He can feel his worries melt away even if it’s just for a while. Nick rests a hand around his shoulder. For a moment, it feels just like old times, back when they’d first gotten together. The charm of being a couple was new to both of them and made them happier than they’d ever thought it would.
But now? Charlie can’t stop feeling that he’s dragging Nick down with him, holding him back from what he really wants to do. Nick had said one day, a lovely day when Charlie had gone down to Leeds for the first time, that he’d chosen to study at Leeds so that he could be closer to Charlie.
Charlie feels selfish. And it doesn’t help that he constantly feels something’s going to go wrong.
He shudders at the thought and finishes off his drink, willing himself to make sure he doesn’t spoil the night for Nick just because he’s not at his best.
“Okay,” Nick says, setting his mug down on the table in front of them and tugging the blanket gently over Charlie's shoulders. “Char. I know something’s bothering you. I lied when I said I don’t mind if you don’t tell me. I do because I want to know how I can help you. Please tell me what’s wrong?”
Charlie blinks. Nick always looks heartbreakingly hopeful whenever he looks at Charlie, like he couldn’t be happier anywhere else than when he’s next to Charlie. And that’s what scares him the most. People don’t tend to stick around that long. It’s a wonder that he has Tao and Isaac and Elle, because he knows how easy it is to replace him.
They've just celebrated their second anniversary of being together a while ago. Two wonderful years full of memories that Charlie wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.
Charlie wants to tell him everything. But he also can’t.
“When you cried today,” Nick says hastily, “were they…happy tears? You were happy to see me, right?”
“What? Of course they were happy tears. What, you thought I was scared of seeing you or something?”
“…maybe? I thought I’d done something to make you cry.”
“You’re an idiot, Nick.”
“Maybe,” he says again, grinning. Then suddenly, “You know I’m never going to judge you, right?”
He does. “I do. It’s just…” There’s no easy way to say it, really. “Are you happy? With me?”
Nick frowns. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve been looking all…happy recently, and I couldn’t help but notice how much you smile in every picture with all your friends and how much fun you seem to be having.”
“I am happy. And what do you mean, with you?”
“I’ve been…thinking.”
“Oh, no. Should I be worried?”
Nick’s eyes twinkle when Charlie swats at his arm.
“Listen. I’ve been thinking. If you just— if you want to break up with me, I get it. I’m not going to hold it against you.”
Nick turns to face him fully. “What?”
“Look, I— I don’t want to hold you back, alright? I know you chose Leeds because it was the closest you could be to me but you didn’t have to do that. I’m sorry about that. And I don’t want to hold you back. There’s so many people you could find there and I’ve spent a lot of time being afraid you want to find someone better, someone that’s not a worrier like me. I know it’s probably selfish and even though I have issues, I don’t want to push you away but I don’t know how else to tell you—” He’s interrupted by Nick’s lips on his, a fierce, gentle gesture that brings all the thoughts in his head to a grinding halt.
“I definitely didn’t pick up on all this the last time you called,” Nick says, his eyes roving over Charlie’s face. “Where on earth did all this come from?”
“You…you didn’t text me last night.”
“I’m sorry?”
“You didn’t text me to tell me you couldn’t wait to see me, and it’s something you’ve always done and never forgotten, and you’re coming here after weeks when you’d promised to be here every week, and it’s true that I don’t own your time or dictate how you spend it, but you looked so…gloomy when you got off the train today and I was just afraid you didn’t want to spend time with me anymore.”
“Oh, my god, Charlie—”
“You know you don’t have to hang around on the account of not wanting to hurt my feelings, Nick. I get it if you want to break this off. I love you, I really do, but you’re the nicest person ever and I know you’d find a hundred ways to hide the truth than tell me you don’t want this anymore. Don’t—” He stops when he sees the look in Nick’s eyes. He looks sad and hurt and a bit annoyed. Charlie’s learned to read his emotions and right now it definitely doesn’t look like Nick agrees with anything he says.
“Stop,” Nick says, hand rising to cover Charlie’s mouth. “Please, just, give me a moment.” He runs a hand through his hair and takes his hand off Charlie’s mouth. When he looks back at Charlie, there’s a sad look in his eyes Charlie’s never seen before.
“What brought this on? It clearly sounds like you’ve been thinking about this for a while. Why didn’t I hear about this before?”
“It’s not you, Nick, it’s just me and my stupid thoughts. You’ve never done anything wrong.”
“Is this because I missed our anniversary?”
“What? No! Of course not.” Nick had missed their two year anniversary three months ago because he’d had his exams going on, but he’d made up for it the next weekend, and there was nothing about it that Charlie would hold against him.
“Then?”
“Nothing. Just me. I promise.”
“How do you think it makes me feel, as your boyfriend, not knowing what’s going on inside your head? I meant it when I said I wanted to hear everything you want to tell me. Even if you think it’s silly. Even if you think it’ll annoy me. The truth is, nothing’s going to annoy me, Charlie. You need to accept that. And what’s all this let’s break up stuff again? Didn’t I tell you I wanted only you, no matter what?”
“I’m…not really sure,” Charlie says, fingers tracing random patterns on the velvet of their shared blanket. “You did seem annoyed at the station today, though.”
“I…really?”
“Mm. And I didn’t know what to think about it.”
“That was only because I was sad I’d have to leave soon. Gosh, Charlie. Come here.” He pulls Charlie onto his lap, courtesy of his strong arms that Charlie loves, and he doesn’t let go. Charlie holds on with all his strength. “I’m sorry. I was genuinely upset that I’d get to spend only two days with you after not seeing you for a month. I didn't think it'd show up on my face. And I’ve missed you a lot. It has nothing to do with you, okay?”
Charlie nods. It’s hard to believe when all he’s felt recently is otherwise, but as long as Nick holds him, he’ll be fine.
They go to the beach next day after spending some time with Nick’s mum. She’d looked delighted to see both of them, and Charlie begins wondering why he’d ever questioned what he meant to Nick.
Nick, who’s holding his hand tight once again. In front of everyone at the beach who may or may not see them.
“You want to get some ice cream now?”
Charlie looks up at the sky. It betrays anyone who tries to read it for the weather, but he’d read the forecast before coming. “I think it’s going to rain soon.”
“And?”
“What if you catch a cold? Again?” Nick had fallen ill a while ago, because he’d been stubborn and practised rugby till he’d collapsed on the pitch and woken up with a fever of 101. Charlie had wanted to drive all the way to Leeds just so that he could take care of Nick.
“I’ll take responsibility for that. Anything to make my boyfriend feel happy.”
“I’m not going to be happy if you fall ill, you idiot.”
It’s only when they’re lying together on their beach towel, Charlie’s head pillowed on Nick’s chest, content with listening to his heartbeat when he realizes Nick’s staring at him. He looks up to catch Nick in the act. He’s beaming, his hair messed up in just the right way and falling into his face. If anything, Nick continues looking at him without flinching, almost smug. Charlie does the same, but can’t keep up. He ducks his head, cheeks flushing.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?” The little shit. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
“You…looking at me like that.”
“How am I looking at you?”
“Like…I’m the best thing you’ve ever seen.” It’s a bit embarrassing to say it out loud, but it really does look like that.
“Hm.” Nick shifts his hand to tap Charlie’s lips. “You got something here.”
“What? Is it the chocolate?” Charlie tries wiping it away, alleged remnants of Nick’s chocolate milkshake, but Nick’s hand catches his.
“My lips,” he says, leaning down to kiss him, carefree and gentle and so full of love that Charlie feels his heart stagger under the affection.
“You’re horribly cheesy,” Charlie laughs when he pulls away. “That’s definitely the worst pick-up line I’ve ever heard.”
“Excuse me? The worst? Fine. But anything I ever say will always pale in comparison to my strong rugby arms.”
“Shut up!”
Nick laughs, his hands tightening around Charlie’s waist. “You are, you know.”
“What?”
“You are the best thing I’ve ever seen.” He leans down to steal another kiss, and Charlie will never stop being in awe at how at ease Nick is with himself. Ever since he’s come to terms with his bisexuality, he’s been nothing but proud of who he is and what he has with Charlie. They’re doing good. He remembers Harry Greene and his friends joking about how they wouldn’t last and how they’d break up before Nick left for Leeds, but it’s been the exact opposite. They’ve only grown to love each other more in all the while they’ve been apart, and for the first time in weeks, Charlie thinks this is the happiest he’s been.
“I love you,” Nick is saying, his eyes shining and his grin almost etched onto his face. “I love you, and I’ll keep telling you that till you believe me. Till you believe I’m not going anywhere, ever. I’ll even shout it out to everyone here if that’ll help.”
“Nick—”
“Come on, you.” He gets up to his feet and helps Charlie stand, then runs off to the waves to yell, “Charlie Spring is my boyfriend! And he’s the best boyfriend in the world!”
“Nick!”
“What,” Nick says, holding a hand out to Charlie, who takes it and pulls it promptly, causing both of them to fall to the ground, Nick on top of Charles. “Oh, hello.”
Charlie smiles. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Oh, I absolutely did. I love you. And I love embarrassing you.”
“You…”
“Listen,” Nick says, propping himself up on his elbow so that they’re just inches apart, “I want to know whenever you’re feeling low. I’m always there. I don’t care how late in the night it is, or maybe, just, uh, not during my finals, or maybe even during the finals because it’s you, but don’t hesitate to text or call me any time. I’m always going to reply to you because I love you, Char. I love you and I love loving you and I want you to be as happy with me as I am with you. I promise you’re never going to annoy me by being you.”
“I love you,” Charlie murmurs in lieu of so many words he could say as he softly as he runs a hand through Nick’s silky hair. They both know what he means to say. Nick leans down to rest on his chest.
Maybe Nick’s right. Maybe Charlie doesn’t have to worry about something like this because they love each other. He knows it’s true, and he feels it every day, in the form of a call or a concerned text or sometimes a blanket on his shoulders when he falls asleep on the couch or an extra helping of pancakes when they spend their mornings together and if whatever Nick has said about them is to go by, then there really is nothing to worry about.
“Okay,” he says. “Right. We’re meeting Tao and Elle and Isaac for lunch today, and we’re going to the library later. It’s been too long since you’ve read any good books.”
“I’ve been busy!”
“No excuses. We could go watch a movie later, too, yeah?”
“Anything you want,” Nick says. He looks as hopelessly happy as Charlie currently feels. “Anything.”
Forever with you, then, Charlie thinks, bending down to kiss Nick gently. With all the wind in his hair and the glint of the sunlight reflecting in Nick's eyes when they break apart, this might just be the happiest he's ever been.