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"She never told her love, but let concealment, like a worm 'i th' bud, feed on her damask cheek /She pinned in thought; and, with a green and yellow melancholy, /she sat like Patience on a monument, /smiling at grief. /Was not this love indeed? /We men may say more, swear more; but indeed our shows are more than will; /for we still prove much in our vows but little in our love"
-William Shakespeare, "Twelfth Night"
HEAVY RAIN was pattering against the sidewalk constantly and consistently, thumping against dormitory windows and invading the soccer field where the Soccer Team should've been practicing. It cast already gloomy Welton Academy in a sort of depressive state, students crammed into the commons or in their dorm rooms either studying or pretending to study since there wasn't really anything else to do on a day like this. The forecast predicted it would be this way for the next few days, meaning Mr Keating's English class couldn't go out and do their usual odd lessons in the sun. (Though it was more like Mr Keating to take the class out on a rainy day anyway.) The sky was grey and packed with clouds, so it was quite dark outside, and most of the students had their dorm lights or lamps switched on to get a better look at their textbooks or notebooks they were studying from.
Neil Perry, on the other hand, was sitting in almost the complete dark at the desk by the window, his chin rested in the palm of his hand. His round glasses sat drooping on the tip of his nose, threatening to fall off if he moved his head just the smallest bit. He was reading, letting the pages be illuminated by the grey light cast through the window, but barely squinting if he couldn't see. He'd read this book so many times, he could recite each chapter almost word for word, so it wasn't necessary for him to have to see the words to enjoy the book nonetheless.
That was for the golf tournament. She had lost in the finals the week before.
“You don’t know who we are,” said one of the girls in yellow, “but we met you here about a month ago.”
“You’ve dyed your hair since then,” remarked Jordan, and I started, but the girls had moved casually on and her remark
was addressed to the premature moon, produced like the supper, no doubt, out of a caterer’s basket. With Jordan’s slender
golden arm resting in mine, we descended the steps and sauntered about the garden. A tray of cocktails floated at us
through the twilight, and we sat down at a table with the two
girls in yellow and three men, each one introduced to us as Mr. Mumble.
Neil had a bad habit of dog earing pages of books he liked, and his index finger and thumb instinctively slid upwards to fold the smooth corner of the page, only to find it'd already been folded down in one of his previous reads. So he popped the cap off his pen with his teeth and scribbled something into the margin on the side of the page. It was quick, sloppy and not as well thought out as it could be. But, it satisfied him enough for him to keep reading. The steady rhythm of the rain made reading a sleepy, enjoyable activity. Something Neil could do without having to put too much effort into it. Especially since he'd read "The Great Gatsby" too many times to count. Todd always had a habit of telling him he swore to that thing like the Bible. it was partly true. Just taking one look at Neil's copy, it was clear to anyone that it'd been through a lot of years of love. The spine was peeling, nearly every page corner was folded over, the cover was fading, Neil's handwriting interrupted just about every paragraph in the entire book, and not to mention, Neil's name was printed neatly on the inside of the front cover. It usually sat on the desk when Neil wasn't reading it or marking it up, and Todd even borrowed it sometimes, except he used a piece of paper as a bookmark that he stuck in sideways so he could see it to remind him he was still in the middle of it.
Speaking of Todd. He was seated on his bed on the left of the desk Neil was at. He was writing in his notebook- as he usually always was- silent and focused. Neither of them had spoken for nearly an hour, both settling into a comfortable silence to simply enjoy the company the other provided. Todd might've been the best roommate Neil could've asked for. He was quiet, respectful, great to hang out with, and extremely nice. Neil wasn't surprised they'd become fast friends. He actually quite appreciated that Todd was glad to be his friend.
I began to like New York, the racy, adventurous feel of it at night, and the satisfaction that the constant flicker of men and
women and machines gives to the restless eye. I liked to walk up Fifth Avenue and pick out romantic women from the crowd
and imagine that in a few minutes I was going to enter into their lives, and no one would ever know or disapprove.
Sometimes, in my mind, I followed them to their apartments on the corners of hidden streets, and they turned and smiled back at me
before they faded through a door into warm darkness. At the enchanted metropolitan twilight I felt a haunting loneliness
sometimes, and felt it in others — poor young clerks who loitered in front of windows waiting until
it was time for a solitary restaurant dinner — young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life.
Neil popped the cap off the pen again and underlined the word poignant multiple times over, scribbling it down on the piece of paper he had next to him. "Poignant." He muttered to himself. He'd recently asked Mr Keating what poignant meant, and he'd found out how beautiful of a word it really was. Evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret. His mind recited in Mr Keating's voice. He liked that word a lot. He'd unfortunately not found a way to use it in his own writing just yet. There hadn't yet been a moment for him in his own life where poignancy applied. Which was a good thing. It meant Neil was happy. But, it was disappointing in a creative point of view.
He turned the page to continue reading, eyes dancing over each word, eating each letter up hungrily and eagerly like he did every time he read. He devoured books when he got them, impressing Todd with the speed at which he finished chapter books, still craving more material after he was done. Neil Perry just genuinely enjoyed reading. It let him escape from anything he needed to. Bad conversation with his father? Nothing curling up with a good book couldn't fix. Got in trouble with the dean? A few pages of a book and Neil was cool and calm again. Embarrassed? Toss him a book and he was fine within minutes. It was easy to get lost into the words and get pulled into the fictional worlds the authors were creating. They carefully crafted the plot and put it together so finely that Neil could spend hours picking each and every little bit of it apart. It was one of his favorite things to do. Especially on boring evenings such as this one.
"Hey, Neil?"
Neil pulled his head out of the book, pushing his glasses up so they wouldn't fall off, to look up at Todd with intrigue. "Yeah?"
"Do you know what this word means? I don't remember Mr Keating going over it in class. I can't find it anywhere in my notes either."
Neil scooted back in his chair, folding the corner of the page over and standing up to move over to the bed. It was such a short distance, but Todd couldn't help but watch when Neil walked. No matter where he was going. Walking down the hall, walking to put his clothes back on after a shower, closing the distance between their two beds? Didn't matter. Neil always moved with such concentrated grace that oozed out with ease. It was mesmerizing. "Lemme see." He said, sitting down on the bed next to Todd, leaning over his shoulder to glance at the paper.
"Here." Todd handed it over, to which Neil gladly took, long fingers meeting Todd's when they traded. Neil's hands were warm. Like they always were. They always left a feeling of electric fire against Todd's skin when they met. Which is why Neil was the first person Todd retreated to on cold days. Neil would let him stick his cold hands in his jacket pockets and then he would slide his own hands in, letting them wrap around Todd's ice cold fingers. They'd lace together to fit neatly into the pockets, and Neil would make an off handed joke about Todd always being cold, but Todd would smile. And Neil would smile his Neil-like smile back and they'd shuffle together to their next class so Todd wouldn't have to remove his hands to brave the cold without gloves.
"Which one is it, Toddy?"
"Oh- pfft- uh-" He moved to scoot a bit closer to Neil, reaching over him to point. "Here, this one. Aggrandize."
"I like that word." Neil said. "Aggrandize. Sounds kinda regal."
"Sure. What does it mean?"
Neil rolled his eyes. "To enhance power, wealth or status. Or something like that." He said thoughtfully. "That was the week we were covering Shakespeare. Yes. To enhance power, wealth or status."
"Awesome-" Todd scratched it down onto his notebook. "-thank you very much, Neil. I appreciate it."
"Oh of course." He glanced over at him to give him a proper, Neil-esque crooked smile. But he wasn't able to help it that his eyes skirted around Todd's face in interest, drinking up his features like they were a delicate wine. It was hard for Neil to focus when he looked at Todd, and he wasn't sure why. He wasn't this way with Charlie. Or Knox. Or Meeks. Or any of the others. Only with Todd. Like Todd was some sort of addictive substance that Neil just couldn't stay away from. There were times when Todd would touch him, and he would swear his skin lit itself on fire. Like when he jumped into Neil's arms after scoring a goal when Mr Keating took them out to play soccer. Todd's fingers brushed down the nape of his neck, and he thought his breath would vanish from his body. It was a feeling he hadn't ever felt before. And he didn't understand why it was such a sudden infatuation. Or maybe it wasn't quite sudden. Neil realising it was sudden. It'd been there ever since he met Todd.
"You gonna go back and read?" Todd asked. "While I finish my homework?"
"Huh? Oh. Maybe. I don't know."
"You done for now?"
"Probably. My back's getting stiff from sitting down for so long anyway. I think it should be my time to take a break. I'll probably just chillax on my bed or something until you're done so I can bother you."
Todd glanced at him in his peripheral vision. "You know damn well you don't care if I'm done with my homework before you start bothering me."
"That's true. But, say, I thought you were just writing poems? When'd you switch to homework?"
"While you were busy continuing to violate your poor copy of The Great Gatsby. You barely noticed me while you were reading, Perry."
"Aw. I'm sorry."
Todd looked up at him with raised eyebrows. Neil's voice could get so small and so soft at random intervals, and Todd would never be prepared for it. He never expected the way his heart would swell and the pulse in the side of his neck would begin ticking all the more quickly when Neil talked that way. It was usually an immediate reaction. After Todd noticed the voice change, his heart would speed up, and the corners of his mouth would try and twitch into a smile. "You don't need to be sorry. I like when you enjoy things. And I think your copy of that book is well-loved."
Neil grinned at him, pinching his nose between his index and middle finger playfully. "Love you, Anderson."
Todd swatted him away. "Fuckass. Don't do that."
"Fuckass. Hmm. That's a new one." Neil joked, but let go regardless.
Todd's gaze lingered on Neil for a little bit, and he could feel his heart beating harder just at the base of his chest. He could feel the pulse in his neck, ribcage, stomach and-
He tore his eyes away and moved them back to his notebook. Though he could still feel Neil's presence looming over him, watching closely. It made a small shudder run down his spine, just thinking about Neil's dark eyes trained on him. He's probably not even looking at you, he's probably watching you do vocab. But Neil wasn't the type of person who liked to watch other people do work. So Todd sneaked a glance up at him, eyes darting away almost immediately when he met Neil's darkset eyes, which were in fact very obviously, trained directly on him.
"Why're you all shy, Anderson?" Neil asked curiously. "Can't look at me anymore?"
"Not when you're staring me down like I owe you money."
"Is that how it came off?" Shit.
No- God please look at me like that again. "Yeah. Weirdo."
Shit! "Goddamn- sorry- fuck- didn't mean for it to-" Neil stammered. You're bad at this.
"Didn't mean for it to come off weird?" Todd gave him a skeptical glance. "What do you mean by that?"
Shit. "Nothing- nothing- don't mind me. Just- do your homework." Neil said, getting up off the bed to pick up his book again, thumbing through it to distract himself.
Todd raised his eyebrows. "Neil."
"Mm?"
"What do you mean by that?"
Blush rose steadily to the apples of Neil's cheeks and he turned away to thumb through his book again, muttering to himself. He didn't respond, just sat down on his own bed. He folded his long legs underneath his body, tilting his head to the side to pretend he was interesting in picking up where he left off in the book. Really all he was doing was trying to avoid looking back at Todd and answering his question. Neil rarely avoided answering questions. Most of the time, when Todd asked him about something, Neil wouldn't shut up when he answered. He could usually go on for hours with any possible answer to any question what wasn't personal. His favorite questions to answer were about the material they covered in Keating's class.
"Why were you staring then?" Todd asked, setting his homework to the side to take a seat on Neil's bed beside him.
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind." Neil said, promptly shutting his book, long fingers playing with the pages still as he set it in his lap just on top of his thighs.
"What-?"
"It's- it's from- uh- Midsummer Night's Dream." Neil stammered. "Lysander says it at one point, and I liked the quote so- you know me- I like to-"
"Memorize." Todd finished admiringly.
"Precisely. Memorize."
Todd nodded. "Have you memorized your lines?"
Neil grinned. "Yeah- I'm off book already."
Todd had zero idea what "off book" meant, and he smiled to be polite and seem just as excited as Neil, but Neil saw through it and straight into his confusion.
"Off book means I don't need to use the script when we run through in rehearsal."
"Oh! Oh! That makes sense-" Todd laughed. "-hell yeah, Neil! That's-that's really good! How long did it take you to learn all the lines?"
"A few days."
"For the entire play?"
"For the entire play." Neil repeated. His grin was lopsided and proud, and Todd averted his gaze. His heart was beating too hard and too fast, fixated too hard on how sweet Neil looked smiling so proudly. Neil's passion for the arts was so beautiful. It lit him up from the inside, and shone through his eyes in an admirable... adorable way. He shifted on the bed, tucking his hands underneath his arms, Neil noticing before Todd even settled back in. "Are you cold-?" He asked, his first thought to shrug off his uniform jacket to pawn off to Todd to wear around his shoulders. He was nimbly unbuttoning it, like Todd might freeze to death without it.
"Oh- no- its okay- I was just..." Todd put his hands back down. "-I wasn't doing it because I was cold, I'm sorry-" His heart jumped at the visual of Neil taking his clothes off in front of him- any- piece of clothing. Even if it was just his jacket. "You don't have to take that off... thank you though."
Neil pulled his jacket back on, but didn't rebutton it. "Sure." He scooted back to lean against the wall, laying his head back with a sigh. "You wanna read with me?"
"Hmm?"
"Read with me." He held up his book. "Might be an improvement from doing homework in silence. We can go from where you left off." He tapped the little paper bookmark in the side. "If you want."
"Oh- sure-"
"C'mere then." Neil motioned for him to scoot closer to him, lifting his arm up so Todd could tuck himself underneath it. He waited patiently for Todd to work up the courage, before he draped his arm around his shoulder. "You gotta hold the otherside. And turn the pages. If that's alright with you."
"Yeah, of course- that's fine." Todd said softly. His heart had kick started again, beating so fast it almost matched the pitter patter of the rain outside. He took a deep breath through his nose, breath hitching when his entire head was filled with the sweet smell of Neil . He'd already forgotten how close they were, and his brain had immediately shut off his deep breathing, forcing Todd to take small, shallow breaths while Neil opened the book up to where Todd had left off. His eyes caught the notes on the side of the page and Neil took Todd's chin between his thumb and first finger and turned his head so they met eyes. Oh god.
"Don't spoil it for yourself." Neil said with a laugh. "Don't read the notes, Toddy."
"Right- right-" Todd agreed tensely. "-don't read the notes-" His voice was breathy, Neil's fingers warm against his chin, his face oh so close to his own. I could- his mind began, but Neil pulled away before he could finish the thought.
"You left off here?" Neil asked, slender finger tapping the number at the bottom corner of the page. The bottom corners were the only things that were clean. Not folded over, not written on.
"Huh?" Todd had almost forgotten already why he was sitting here. "Oh- yeah-"
"Do you remember it- or do you want me to go back a few pages?"
"You can start here- I remember."
"Whatever you say, Anderson." Neil grinned at him, settling in once he'd found a comfortable way for them both to hold the book, laying his cheek on top of Todd's head.
"You sure this- uh- is…" Todd's heart skipped when Neil's eyes darted from the book to him to pay attention to what he was going to say. "-never… nevermind-"
Neil groaned. "You always do that."
"Do what-?"
"Go to say something and then change your mind and never finish what you were going to say."
"Well, cause it's always kind of stupid…"
Neil rolled his eyes. "It's not - but go ahead and keep it to yourself." It always drove Neil insane when Todd didn't finish what he was going to say. It made his brain itch and he always bugged Todd to finish the thought. But by the time Neil bugged it out of him, Todd usually always already forgot.
Todd bit his lip, but didn't finish what he was going to say, tearing his eyes away from Neil to look down at the book and try to pay attention to the reading.
They didn't get very far, because Neil reached to fold the page over, but Todd stopped him, slipping his hand into his and moving his hand down. "Bookmark, Neil." He murmured, watching Neil grin dumbly and grab the piece of paper from his lap and slip it into the book. When he did use a bookmark, he always put it in the bottom of the book. Todd had no idea why.
Neil set the book aside. "Why are you so tense?"
"What?"
Neil squeezed his shoulder. "You're tense. I'm not making you uncomfortable, am I?" He moved to take his arm from around Todd's shoulders just in case.
"No-" Todd reached up to keep Neil from moving. "-I'm sorry I'm tense-"
"And?"
"What do you mean and?" Todd looked up, directly meeting Neil's dark eyes. Fuck .
"You trailed off like you were going to say something else."
"Noth-"
"If you say nothing, I might just have to make you say something."
Heat rushed up slowly to Todd's face, and he tore his eyes away. "I was just going to say you're not making me uncomfortable. That's all."
Neil seemed slightly disappointed that that was all Todd had to say. "I'm glad I'm not making you uncomfortable, Toddy."
Todd still didn't look over at him, instead clearing his throat. "Uh- quick question-"
"Mm?"
"The- uh- that one play we read in Keating's class the other day. I was thinking about it just now, and I realise that I don't actually understand it." Todd said. "And I was thinking oh Neil probably would - hence me asking you right now about it."
"Oh! Yeah!" Neil kept his arm tucked around Todd's shoulders, keeping him close to his body as he spoke. "Some characters find love, but at the same time it also depicts pain to some due to disguise and betrayal by fellow humans."
"What?"
"That's what the plays about. Love, unfairness, deceit. But it's hidden as a romantic comedy."
"In the play?"
"Mhm. The Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare."
"Really? I'm crap at trying to figure that stuff out."
"Well, I suppose to some people it's not as obvious. But that's not a bad thing. Plays are usually up for interpretation. It speaks one thing to one person-" He opened and closed one hand like it was speaking. "-and speak something completely different for someone else-" He did the same thing with his other hand. "-and that's the beauty of literature."
"You are…"
"Charming?"
" Such a nerd, Neil Perry."
Neil grinned. "If music be the food of love, play on. Give me excess of it; that surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die."
Todd rolled his eyes, letting Neil pull him closer, listening to his nice, gentle voice recite the quotes from memory. As Neil does.
"She never told her love, but let concealment, like a worm 'i th' bud, feed on her damask cheek." Neil held one hand up towards the ceiling, spreading his fingers out, Todd tilting his head curiously.
"She pinned in thought; and, with a green and yellow melancholy, she sat like Patience on a monument, smiling at grief." He turned his head to look at Todd again, the grin never faltering from his lips. " Was not this love indeed? We men may say more, swear more; but indeed our shows are more than will; for we still prove much in our vows but little in our love."
Todd breathed out slowly, reaching up to slide both hands against Neil's cheeks, thumbs nestling carefully into the hollows just under his cheekbones. "Such a fucking nerd-" He murmured, his lips finding Neil's, which still moved, still quoted, until they felt what was happening, fitting Todd's nicely with a hitch of Neil's breath.
The way Neil reacted made Todd's heart swell. Both hands eagerly found their way into Todd's hair, and Neil seemed to push closer against him. Like he'd been waiting for this. He was warm, his lips tasting vaguely like lip balm, waxy and smooth with a background taste of mint. His skin was soft and perfect under Todd's fingers, and his thumbs fit well under his cheekbones, like they were made to cup Neil's face just like this. He slid one hand down to carefully hold Neil's chin, fingertips brushing the dimple there. Meaning Neil was grinning again.
They broke apart with an exhale, and Neil chased the kiss. They didn't fully break apart until Neil spoke again.
" Away before me to sweet beds of flowers-" He said, voice stunned to softness. "Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers."
"Fucking beautiful."
Their lips met again, Neil freeing one hand, tightening his grip on Todd's hair with the other. His slender fingers were sliding across Todd's back, feeling the divots and curves of his spine through his uniform jacket, nestling just above his lower back. He used that same hand to pull Todd flush against his body, their chests pressed together enough that they could feel each other's breathing patterns. Excited. Uneven with delight.
Todd was being as careful as he could not to fuck this up, but Neil didn't seem to care about anything. He broke just once to pull his glasses off in order to get closer to Todd, tilting his head with a soft exhale through his nose.
They didn't get much farther than that, a sudden surge of whoops and hollers coming from the doorway of their dorm room. It made Todd jump, pulling away from Neil as fast as he could, shoulders tense. Though Neil didn't seem to mind as much, he just glanced lazily over his shoulder, still dazed from the kiss.
"See!? See, Meeks!? I told you!"
Charlie. It was Charlie that Todd could see clearly, assuming the rest of the Poets were gathered behind him, peeking through in any way they could.
Meeks poked his head above Charlie's shoulder, grinning wickedly. "Away before me to sweet beds of flowers-" He teased, Cameron snickering and joining in as they recited the lines in a dramatically, breathy, lovesick voice that made Neil's grin only grow wider.
"It was about time!" Knox chimed in. "Can't tell you how agonizing it was to sit there and watch you two make heart eyes at each other every single day!"
Todd was blushing furiously, but Neil didn't seem embarrassed one bit. He got up off the bed, shrugging his uniform jacket off and slipping his glasses back on.
"Excuse me." He said, making his way through the crowd of boys in the doorway.
"Where are you going, Perry?" Charlie asked, Todd scrambling up to follow him.
Neil held a finger to his lips, before taking off in the other direction, making the others start running with him in order to catch up.
Neil had his arms spread out, soft laughter leaving his lips. He was running fast, but he didn't seem out of breath. He even scaled flights of stairs faster than the rest of them could. He seemed to know exactly where he was going, and it was evident where he was going when the Poets all burst through the door at the top of the stairs and were all hit with buckets of rain, flattening their hair and soaking their clothes.
Neil slid to a stop at the very edge, punching his fists up into the air and letting out the loudest cry of pure happiness they'd ever heard from him. The toes of his shoes hung over the edge and he had to smash his rain covered glasses back onto his face before they could slip off.
"Shit, Neil don't fall!" Meeks laughed, reaching out to tug Neil away from the edge. "Be careful, man!"
Neil ran both hands down his face, blinking rain out his eyes, turning to Meeks and grabbing his shoulders. "I've done it-" He said breathlessly. "I kissed Todd Anderson-" He let Meeks go, turning back to face the edge of the roof again, and yelled with his entire chest. "I'VE KISSED TODD ANDERSON!"
The other Poets shared glances, all of them beginning to smile, Neil's excitement and pure happiness contagious.
And Todd was just stunned.
He stood behind everyone watching Neil scream to the world, never having seen him this delighted before. And he only moved forward when Charlie nudged him, meeting Neil with a grunt, holding him when he threw his arms around him. The embrace was quick and then Neil was back to his manic excitement.
"Kiss me, Anderson." He said, cupping Todd's face in his hands. "Kiss me."
Todd blushed hotly, but obeyed, feeling like Neil had abruptly transferred his excitement through the kiss, because he felt like he could scream just as loud as Neil was. He sank into it, wrapping his arms around Neil's neck, listening to thunder rumbling in the very distance. It made him pull away and Neil turned around curiously.
"We should go inside." Knox suggested after a minute of the Poets' silence, everyone immediately agreeing. Charlie shrugged off his semi dry jacket to run over and shield Todd and Neil as they all ran inside, the sound of thunder following their excited whoops and hollers and Neil's laughter.