Chapter Text
Hogwarts had never been a warm place for Stede Bonnet. The seven years of school had been torture for young Stede. He had been bullied relentlessly by the other students, especially those horrible twins in the Gryffindor house. He had made no friends, unless you counted the house elves who worked in the kitchen next his house’s common room. Or Helena, the shy ghost in the Ravenclaw towers who everyone else knew only as the Grey Lady. Or Elizabeth, the stern woman in the painting outside of the Gryffindor common rooms who everyone else referred to in a rather derogatory way. Oh, or the kind centaurs who showed him the best places to forage for tea ingredients in the Forbidden Forest. Or, well, just about every other being, living or otherwise, except for his peers. And yet, here he was over twenty years later, just about to begin his second year as a teacher at Hogwarts.
He couldn’t quite explain why he had left the cushy job his father had secured for him in the Ministry in order to return to Hogwarts of all places. When he had arrived last year as a new teacher, the rest of the staff had regarded him as a bit of an oddity. He remembered on his first day, he had jovially approached one of his new colleagues to introduce himself. He’d held out his hand to the young professor and said, “Pleasure to meet you! I am Stede Bonnet, new Head of Hufflepuff House and Professor of Herbology,” only for the other professor to respond, “You do realize that teachers get paid shit right? I mean, I understand why I’m here. Sad to say, this is actually a step up from where I was before -Don’t ask, trust me, it wasn’t cute- but why the hell would anyone leave a fancy Ministry job for this shit hole?”
“Oh, come now, this is the place to be!” Stede had replied. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a part of Hogwarts’ great educational mission?”
“Literally most people,” the other professor said, finally taking Stede’s hand to shake it. “Lucius Spriggs, Head of Ravenclaw House and Professor of Divination. Though I’d say I’m also a master of charms. Half the men in Hogsmeade can attest to that.”
“Oh, that’s fantastic! I’m a bit of a Charms enthusiast myself, so I’d love to see any new spells you are cooking up!” Stede said brightly.
Perhaps it was pity for the somewhat oblivious new professor, but it was at that moment that Professor Spriggs decided to take Professor Bonnet under his wing. Lucius had introduced Stede to the members of staff who he was friends with, which oddly did not seem to include any other actual professors. There was the Caretaker, Mr. Buttons, a somewhat unusual man but very talented animagus. (“I swear, the Caretakers at Hogwarts just get creepier and creepier,” Lucius had said to him the day when they and many unfortunate students had seen a stark naked Buttons leap off the astronomy tower and turn in gull mid fall.) There was the sensible Keeper of Keys and Grounds, Oluwande Boodhari, who was close friends with the somewhat intense flying instructor and Quidditch coach, Jim Jimenez. (“Great guy, Jim. Just, uh, whatever you do, don’t piss them off,” Lucious had warned.) There was the dubiously qualified school nurse, Roach, who doubled as kitchen manager over the house elves. (“Headmaster Swott is so cheap he wasn’t willing to pay for a real nurse. So, I don’t know, try not to get sick.”) There was the superstitious school librarian Frenchie (“I have no idea how he got the job. He is literally illiterate. I swear, Hogwarts needs to start teaching reading. And writing... And arithmetic... And sex education... Just saying.”), the easily bewildered choir instructor Swede (“Because we can’t afford a separate nurse but apparently singing instruction is of utmost importance.”), the half-giant robe maker Wee John Feeney (“Because apparently going all the way to Diagon Alley for a new robe is too difficult? I don’t know what the Headmaster was thinking when prioritizing the budget this year.”), and surly wand maker Black Pete (“I heard they’re thinking about eliminating the position, though. Which is a shame because Pete is quite skilled at whittling a wand, if you know what I mean.” Stede didn’t, but nodded anyway.). Over the course of the year, Stede had come to regard each of these odd individuals as friends, and for the first time in his life, he was starting to feel that he belonged somewhere. It almost made him forget everything he had abandoned to come here…
-
It was the first day of the new school year. Headmaster Amrose Swott was directing the professors, staff, and ghosts to their proper places in anticipation for the students to arrive. Stede and Lucius would be seated up front with the Headmaster and other professors while the remaining staff would be positioned outside to guide the new students to the great hall, and also partially to keep guard in case of intruders. There had been a recent rise in incidents with dark wizards and witches, and nobody held it past them to use the lowering of protective spells to allow students onto the grounds as a chance to get into Hogwarts. The Ministry of Magic had taken steps earlier that year to officially designate several of the worst curses as Unforgivable in an attempt to make it easier to prosecute cases of murder, kidnapping, and piracy since a simple spell could show the last spells conducted by a wand as proof of treachery, but most criminals had caught onto this quickly and were just becoming more creative with their methods if anything. And really, it was doubtful that the most fearsome of dark wizards like Captain Kidd or Blackbeard would care for a second if the spell they were about to use was considered criminal given that just about everything they did was criminal.
“Where the devil is Professor Spriggs?” the Headmaster asked nobody in particular. “I sent him to find Sir Nicholas half an hour ago and now they are both missing!” Stede suspected he knew exactly where Lucius and the nearly headless ghost were. While Stede may have been a bit naive to these sorts of things a year ago, he would have had to be the most oblivious wizard on earth to be good friends with Lucius and not pick up on exactly what he and a few of the other staff members were up to. Honestly, at this point the only thing he was confused about was just how one did that sort of thing with a ghost, mechanically speaking. “Professor Bonnet, will you please help find Sir Nicholas and tell him that I need to meet with him and the other ghost promptly for the final rehearsal?”
Stede immediately left to the Ravenclaw towers where Lucius’ room was located. Sure enough, Lucius and Sir Nicholas were just coming out of the room when he arrived. “Oh, uh, hello, Professor Bonnet. Lucius here was just helping me plan my 225th deathday party,” Sir Nicholas said, attempting to pat Lucius on the shoulder only for his hand to go clear through it. “He has some amazingly inventive ideas. Truly a most creative fellow. Imaginative, knowledgeable… skilled…” If Stede didn’t know better, he could have sworn he saw the ghost blush.
“Hmm, yeah, party planning,” Lucius agreed unconvincingly.
“Right,” Stede said, clapping his hands together. “Well, Headmaster Swott requires your attendance to the final dress rehearsal for all the ghosts. And if I might add my own notes, I think the performance this year could use a little more gusto than last year. Frankly, between us, I think the Bloody Baron really just went through the motions last year. Maybe you could work with him a bit on his performance? Oh, I know!” He sounded absolutely giddy at this point. “Maybe Terence could wave his sword around and pretend to take your head off right in front of the first years! Well, or nearly off. But wouldn’t that give them a thrill!”
Sir Nicholas harrumphed loudly and floated off with an offended look in his eye. “What is the matter with you?” Lucius said incredulously. “You know Nick is sensitive about his head.”
“I really didn’t know!” Stede said. “Though perhaps I should have guessed…”
“Well, next time, think it through first before you say something so bitchy!” Lucius scoffed. “Now he’s going to be sulky all week. Make sure you apologize to him later, okay?” Thoroughly chastened, all Stede could do was nod. He turned to leave when Lucius, his tone suddenly more relaxed, said, “By the way, did you hear we have a new professor coming in this year?”
Stede turned back and said, “Really? Who’s been replaced?”
“Well, officially Professor Peakes has left his post as Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor to return to a life of hunting sea serpents,” Lucius said, then added in a loud whisper, “But from what I hear, Glanmore was caught in a compromising position with the giant squid.”
“Ew!” Stede said, quite appalled. “Though, come to think of it, the way he described slaying the Sea Serpent of Cromer always did seem a little suspect.”
“Well, I’m sure he did actually stab it, but…”
“Lucius, please!” Stede said, holding up a hand. Frankly, sometimes Lucius could be a bit too giddy passing along the latest gossip. “That is entirely too much.”
Spurred on by Stede’s shock and appall, Lucius couldn’t help but say, “What, given the opportunity, you wouldn’t go for a kraken?”
“Absolutely not!” Stede said. “Honestly, sometimes I think you enjoy making me as uncomfortable as possible.” Lucius shrugged. It was true, of course.
Stede left to his chambers to continue getting ready. He was debating between his light blue robe and his yellow robe, wondering which would make the best first impression on the new students. And the new teacher, now that he thought about it. He wished he had asked Lucius for more details on their new coworker, but he supposed he would find out soon enough.
-
After several wardrobe changes, Stede had settled on his cream colored robe. He brushed back his blonde curls and looked at himself in the mirror. He might not have thought he himself was much to look at, but at least the robe looked very nice.
As he left his room, he heard a voice call out, “Hey, mate, do you know which way to the great hall?”
Stede turned to see a tall man with long, dark hair and an impressively curly beard at the other end of the hall. The man was dressed in what appeared to be a robe made out of leather, which would almost definitely have looked odd on anyone else but was quite appealing on the man. “Oh, hullo! You must be the new professor. I’m headed there now. Happy to show you!” Stede said. As Stede approached him, he noticed a rip at the neck of the stranger’s shirt underneath his robe. “Oh, looks like you’ve got a bit of a tear. Well, a quick mending spell should do the trick!”
“Nah, I’ve tried, won’t do any good,” the man said. “It was torn by a hex so it can’t be repaired. But hey, at least it was just my shirt and not my face.”
Stede wondered briefly under what circumstances someone had cast such a damaging hex at the man that a mending spell couldn’t work on a basic shirt. But then he wondered why the man hadn’t replaced the shirt once it was ripped. He knew most people didn’t come from as much means as he did, so it was entirely possible that the man couldn’t afford a new one. “Well, you can’t make your debut with a ripped shirt! I’m sure I have something you can borrow,” Stede said. “Come, follow me!”
Stede led the man to his room. “I’m Stede Bonnet, by the way. I teach Herbology.”
“I’m, uh, Ed,” the man said. “Defense Against the Dark Arts.”
“Well, it is lovely to meet you, Ed!” Stede said, pulling out his wand. With a wave, a door appeared in his room which he opened to reveal a massive closet full of clothing.
“Fuck off. How many clothes do you have?” Ed asked, his jaw dropping at the sight.
“Well, a good amount, I suppose,” Stede said sheepishly. “But it does come in handy when a new friend is in need of a new shirt, doesn’t it?” He turned around to begin rummaging through the many shirts hanging up and missed the slight reddening of Ed’s face at how easily Stede had called him a new friend. “Let’s see, a nice violet or burgundy might suit the rest of the outfit well. Unless you would prefer something more bright, in which case I would be happy to give you a full outfit.”
“Just the shirt is fine,” Ed said, reaching out to touch some of the robes closest to him. He could not believe how soft they were, and there appeared to be one in every color and shade known to man. “Is this silk?” he asked, running his hand over one of the beautiful robes.
“That’s actually a rather exquisite cashmere,” Stede said. Ed echoed this, running his hand across yet another robe. “Oh! Do you fancy a fine fabric?”
“I think maybe I do,” Ed said, bringing the sleeve of one of the robes to his cheek.
“Well, I think I have just one one for you,” Stede said, pulling out a lavender colored shirt. “This is one of my favorite pieces here. The softest thing you have ever felt in your life, spun from the silk of an acromantula. Not many people know that they make such fine threads for their webs. People get too caught up in how big and scary and venomous and murderous they are, but they are also capable of creating something quite beautiful.” He handed the shirt to Ed. “Hope you like it!” Ed began to remove his robe to take off his shirt and Stede turned away politely. “You’re, um, also welcome to keep it if you would like. I do have so many, it’s no trouble at all.”
“Seems you care a lot about clothes,” Ed said, allowing his robe to drop to the ground.
“Yes, I suppose I do,” Stede said, staring at his the many shirts in front of him. A memory came back to him suddenly, and he was not sure why, but he felt the sudden urge to share it. “When I was a child, my family owned house elves. Two of them, Lolly and Hotpocket. They practically raised me, if I’m being honest. Well, when I was ten years old, my father decided to officially make me the master over them. I think he thought that if he gave me the chance to lead our servants, it would be practice for leading an estate someday. On my first day as their new master, I decided that I would manage our servants differently than my father. No ordering them about when I could simply ask nicely, definitely no beatings, and no more making them wear nothing but old rags. I found a box full of old clothes I had worn as a toddler which were just the perfect size for house elves. I asked them both to bathe and I then dressed them both up in the most adorable little silk outfits. I even included a couple of my old wigs and shoes to complete the look.”
Ed paused. “So… You gave clothes to your house elves? Doesn’t that…”
“Oh yes, we’re getting to that,” Stede said. “I told them that these clothes were theirs to keep and in fact, I was giving them the entire chest of my old clothes. Hotpocket asked for clarification that their new master was gifting them clothes and when I said yes, the look of pure joy on his face was enough to just break your heart. Lolly ventured to ask if there was any way I could also gift some of my old baby clothes to their unborn child. I had no idea she was expecting and said of course, it would be my baby shower gift for them. I found the smallest clothes I could, realistically still too big for a baby house elf, but I told them we could easily take in the clothes to make them fit. The second I handed them the baby clothes, Lolly burst into tears and hugged me. She told me I was a friend of the house elves forever more and that to show their gratitude to the little gentleman who had granted them their freedom, they would be naming their baby Bonnet after me. I was so pleased with how happy they were that I didn’t even realize what I had done. As my father saw them dragging the trunk of clothes down the stairs and asked what the hell they were doing and told them to put all of the clothes back, Hotpocket said in his squeaky little voice,” Stede then continued in imitation of the house elf, “‘Hotpocket and Lolly have been gifted clothes by the little master. Hotpocket is a free elf, bitch!’ Then little Lolly told my father to go fuck himself and they continued on their merry way.” Stede paused for a moment, a slightly sad smile on his face. “I hadn’t meant to free them, of course. And the beating I received from my father told me exactly what he thought of my latest act of idiocy. And yet… I didn’t regret it for a moment. I knew what I had done had been a good thing. After that day, I suppose I began to see dressing well as a small act of rebellion against my father. If I could choose what I wore, that was a little bit of my own freedom right there. Ever since then, I have never underestimated the importance of a nice outfit.”
Stede turned around then to see Ed fully dressed with his new lavender shirt underneath his solid black robes. He wasn’t sure why he had told this story to someone he had just met and just as he could feel his cheeks begin to pinken, Ed grinned at him and said, “You’re a fucking lunatic and I like it.”
-
Stede and Ed made their way to the great hall together. Returning students were already flooding into the hall, which meant that they were running later than Stede had realized. He waved to every student they walked past. He had always liked children and the ability to shape young minds, though it was times like this that really made him miss…
“Hullo, Stroulger, hope you had a lovely summer!” Stede said enthusiastically.
Most of the students had just waved back dutifully, but little Edgar Stroulger stared past Stede to Ed, his eyes wide, and squeaked, “Oh! You’re… You’re…”
“Yes, yes, your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor,” Stede said. “But come along now Stroulger, there will be plenty of time to get to know your new teacher later. For now, a feast awaits!”
Stede sat down next to Lucius, with Ed sitting down on the other side of him. “Well, afraid we were almost late, but as long as we beat the first years, I suppose that’s good enough. Lucius, let me introduce you to our new colleague, Ed. Ed, this is Lucius, our Divination Professor and one of my dearest friends.”
Lucius looked up lazily at first, but when his eyes met Ed’s he suddenly sat straight up, eyes wide, mouth agape, and already pale skin even paler. “I… You… ”
It was odd to see Lucius of all people at a loss for words. The man talked almost as much as Stede himself. Perhaps that should have been the first clue that something was up, but Stede had never been great at picking up on clues.
Stede and Ed continued to chat casually while Lucius, unable to contain his urge to gossip, turned to the Sorting Hat which was sitting to his right and said, “Isn’t that… I mean, I’ve only seen the wanted posters and the drawings may not be the most accurate, but it does look an awful lot like…”
The Sorting Hat looked over at Ed, squinting until a dawn of recognition washed over his cloth face. “Holy shit!” said the old hat. “No freakin’ way. Girl, you know who that is? It’s…”
“Welcome, welcome,” Headmaster Swott called out to the crowd. “And please join me in welcoming all of our new students to Hogwarts!” The doors of the call entered and the first years walked in, accompanied by the ghosts of Hogwarts. Sir Nicholas led the line of new students, a sulky look still on his face from earlier. Stede felt a fresh wave of guilt. “Before we begin the sorting ceremony for the first years, I do have a couple of announcements.”
The Headmaster pulled out a piece of parchment with his notes and cleared his throat. “As I am sure most of you have heard from your parents, we are not living in the sunniest of times. I wish I could tell you differently, but I believe I owe it to all of you to be honest about the state of the wizarding world right now. The recent rise of dark wizardry has led to increased precautions not just in the Ministry, but even here in Hogwarts. We have strengthened the protective charms around the grounds and have even granted by the Ministry two dozen Dementors to help guard the castle.” This elicited a wave of murmurs by both students and teachers, some of whom began looking around as if to see Dementors floating around in the hall. Stede did not know much about the creatures, but he did know that there was no way a single one could be in the room without every person sensing their presence. “While we believe these initiatives will be sufficient to keep Hogwarts itself safe, we are acutely aware that most danger lies outside of our oasis here. As such, the Ministry has granted me permission to try a new, more practical approach to our Defense Against the Dark Arts curriculum in order to arm each of you with the knowledge and skills needed to protect yourselves should you ever need.”
Headmaster Swott paused for a moment, readjusting his glasses somewhat nervously. “This may seem a controversial decision, but I believe there is no better way to learn to defend yourselves from the Dark Arts than from a master of the Dark Arts himself.” Stede’s brow furrowed at this. What exactly was that supposed to mean? “And that brings me to my second announcement,” Headmaster Swott continued, turning slightly to give a somewhat hesitant smile to Ed. “I would like to introduce you all to our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor who will also be taking on the position of Head of Slytherin House, Edward Teach.” Stede’s pulse quickened. Where did he know that name from? “I believe you will find Professor Teach to be a most knowledgeable and engaging teacher. It’s in his name, after all.” The Headmaster chuckled at his own joke. “You know, Teach? Cause that’s his name? And now that’s what he does…” The Headmaster trailed off when his joke was met with at most two polite chuckles. He seemed a bit cross over this and added, “Of course, he’s also called Blackbeard, which I suppose is an equally fitting description. Anyway, have fun, children!”
That was when the hall erupted in gasps and murmurs. Ed just smiled and waved to the crowd. “‘Sup?”
Stede’s jaw had nearly fallen to the table. “That’s what I was trying to say earlier,” Lucius whispered breathlessly in his ear. “Apparently we now have the world’s most notorious dark wizard on staff.”
Stede turned to Ed with his mouth still agape. Still smiling, Ed shrugged slightly and gave him a wink. And Stede didn’t know why, but he felt himself returning the smile. This was certainly going to be an interesting year at Hogwarts.