Work Text:
Tori could barely hear the voices from the television, the rain tapping against the widow drowned out all sound. Their parents weren’t home, which meant she had full rein over the sofa. She connected her laptop to the Television with a USB cable to be able to watch her movies on a bigger screen. Her chosen snack for that night was a bag of salt and vinegar crisps.
This was the third time she thought about turning the movie off, but then she reminded herself of how she spent hours browsing through the movie library for something decent to watch. She rather not go through that again.
“I didn’t think you liked Adam Sandler movies.” Charlie said. She let out a huff in response not really looking his way. She could see him dragging his fingers through his wet hair. Right, she remembered him saying something about going to the shops. There was a long silence between. A audible thunk of Charlie placing a bottle of diet lemonade on the table made her look up. Diet pink lemonade and a glass of ice. She felt the corner of her mouth twitch upwards. It wasn’t the usual flavour she would go for, but she loved it either way. Because it was the flavour Charlie would buy her whenever he went out together.
A memory of pulling Charlie around in a red wagon flashed through her eyes. Five year old Tori had already spent her weekly allowance on candy, but Charlie still asked to go to the little shop near their home. She pulled him there in the red wagon. When he came out again he was holding a small bar of chocolate and bottle of pink lemonade. He gotten himself a smaller bar of chocolate just so she could have a bottle of lemonade.
Tori shook the memory away. She poured the liquid into the glass.
“Thank you.” she said. Charlie’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Goodnight.” He said and without much more he disappeared into his own room.
Three hours later the credits to the second movie she watched rolled, and her glass of diet soda had been finished before the first movie ended. She didn’t bother cleaning up the living room. She had time tomorrow before her parents came back. She entered Oliver’s room. He still slept with a night lamp. It cast shadows of trucks on the wall. He loved it, Tori enjoy it as well. Carefully she pulled the blanket over her brother’s body. He’d kicked it off during his sleep. Once she made sure Oliver was alright, she made her way upstairs to Charlie’s room. She tried to open the door quietly, it let out a creak. She made a mental note fix it later, if she could find the right oil. She should have done it months ago. She stepped into his dark room, only to notice that his bed was empty.
Tori didn’t close the door behind her, she turned to the bathroom, her heart already pounding. No, not again. She kept thinking over and over again. Hoping she was just being over protective she pounded at the locked bathroom door. Charlie had probably only used the bathroom.
Nothing. No response. He was probably half asleep, she tried to convince herself. She pounded harder.
“Charlie!” She called. Nothing. Nothing was the worst. Please, no not again. Her mind kept screaming.
Tori ripped at the door handle. She pushed as hard as she could. Her hand was hurting from the pounding. She didn’t care. All she could focus on was to get the door open. She threw herself at the door as hard as she could. Tori didn’t know how long it been, but finally she heard the tree crack. The signet before her horrified her. It would give her nightmares for years to come. Charlie was right there, slumped in the bathtub in the pyjamas set he got for Christmas. It was drenched in blood. His blood. She couldn’t break eye contact. His beautiful eyes were still half open. They were staring right back her with a haunting look. They looked vacant.
“Charlie…” Tori‘s voice cracked, her hand covering her mouth to keep herself from
screaming. No she waited too long. Far too many precious seconds had been wasted. She rushed to the bathroom, her hands instantly trying to close the wounds and keep his blood inside of him.
“No, you can’t leave me. No please.” She tried to bargain with him. He only stirred from her movements. His head tilting over. Once she managed to temporarily stop the bleeding with towels she pulled out her phone. She kept pressing the wrong buttons, her hands were shaking that much.
The fact that they understood what she said was a miracle. She didn’t know if she was hysterical or apathetic. She couldn’t tell. All she knew was that someone was on their way.
“It’s… going to be alright Charlie. See. They’re almost here. Just… a little bit longer.” Was she talking to Charlie or herself? It didn’t matter, she couldn’t leave Charlie’s side. Not until the paramedics had arrived. She knew she should be comforting Oliver, she could hear his sobs from her bedroom. He most likely woken up by her screaming. Oh god, had he seen the blood?
It took every being of her to pull away from her little brother to open the door. It felt like she abounded him. This was already her fault, she shouldn’t leave his side as well. She told them he was upstairs. That was all they needed. Tori followed them back to the bathroom. They had already pulled his pale body onto the floor. She watched as looked him over, she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to listen to what they said. Something about him not breathing.
“Time of death, 02:54.” she heard them say as they gently closed Charlie’s eyes.
They didn’t try to save her brother. Instead they carried his limp body to a body bag. He looked so small and helpless in the arms of the EMTs.
“No!“ she screamed. This wasn’t right. They didn’t even try to save him.
“You have to try! Please try” she begged them. No matter what she said, they didn’t stop. The zipped the bag up. She watched as her brother was loaded into the back of the ambulance. The rain was still pouring down. It didn’t stop her from rushing out into the rain, still barefoot. She felt a soft hand grabbing on to her shoulder, pulling her back into house again.
“Maybe you should stay here with your little brother?” A soft voice suggested. She looked back that the man holding her shoulder. She almost spit out that her little brother was in a body bag and they done nothing to save him.
“Would you like me to call your parents?” He asked again. She only nodded. How could she tell her mother that she failed? She watched in silence as they drove off with her little brother. Oliver, who left her room held on to her hard.
“Tori. I want to wake up and play Mario Kart with Charlie.” Oliver sniffled. She let her fingers run through his hair. It dawned on her that it would never happened again. Charlie left them. He would never come back. He would never play with Oliver again. She reached for the glass bottle of the pink lemonade Charlie bought her and clutched it close to her. Her grip of Oliver like iron. She knew Charlie been dead when she found him. He’d probably been dead for hours. It was still hard to admit.
Tori was on the couch with Oliver still crying into her chest when her parents came home. Her father pulling Oliver into his arms, whilst her mother looked like she didn’t know if she wanted to cry or scream.
“How could you. I asked you to watch them. He died on your watch.” Her voice was cracked.
“Jane.” Her father started, but Tori knew she was right. It been her fault. Both of her hands clutched over the bottle.
No one spoke during the ride to the hospital.
***
Tori was aware that she should have changed clothes. It been the last thing on her mind. The blood on her hand and on her hoodie was already dried. She couldn’t stop watching how it cracked when she moved her hands. She let her parents say goodbye first. They deserved a private goodbye. In the meantime she would keep an eye on Oliver, who was asleep on the chairs next to her.
She stood up when Nick rushed in. He looked like he was running on adrenaline. His eyes met hers. Nick. She should have called Nick. He deserved to know the moment it happened. Not in this roundabout way. It was probably something she should feel guilty about. They didn’t have to say a word. Before she knew it his arms wrapped around her body. He held on to her as tightly as he could. The tears wouldn’t stop running down her cheeks. She could hear Nick sobbing. They both needed this as much as the other. She didn’t know what to do more than to heave for air. Normally she would think this was embarrassing, but her baby brother was dead. He died on her watch. Nick didn’t blame her for not calling. That was how he always been, wonderful. Understanding. He’d loved Charlie with all his heart.
“We… should see him.” Nick finally broke the silence. He didn’t fully pull away. It was hard to say if it was she who held him up, or if it was he who supported him. Maybe they gave one another the strength they needed. She watched her mother drop Charlie’s hand. Their last interaction had been a fight, about how he wasn’t trying hard enough. She could tell it was eating her away. Her father pulled her out to let Nick and Tori had the room for themselves.
She stood back as Nick ran up to Charlie’s side. His hand gently intertwining with his. They cleaned him up and stitched him back together. So he would look presentable for this very moment. If she wasn’t standing in a morgue she might been able to convince herself that Charlie was just asleep. That wasn’t why she was here. She needed to say goodbye.
“Hey Char,” His voice was filled with so much raw pain. She didn’t understand how he could speak at all. “I want you to know that it’s alright. Alright? I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry you couldn’t come to me when you were hurting. I love you. I wanted to spend my life with you.”
She couldn’t watch his pitiful expression. He was full on sobbing again. Nick’s face buried into his hair.
“It’s okay. You’re at peace now. I need to accept that you’re not hurting. But it’s hard. It’s so very hard.”
She let him hold Charlie for another five minutes. She couldn’t move, her body had felt stiff that whole time. She sat on the chair next to Charlie’s side. Her body was bone tired. Being seated hurt. She reached her hand out and grabbed his unoccupied hand. It was cold to the touch, a reminder that he was really gone. She hated seeing the stitches. Tori didn’t know what to say. She kept stroking his cold hand, he didn’t squeeze back.
“I wish I dragged you in the wagon one last time.” Tori said. It been worn down by age. She kept telling Charlie he was too heavy for her to drag him anywhere. It wasn’t until it been thrown away that she realised how much she missed it. She remembered looking for it, but Charlie smiling at her and telling her he was old enough to walk. Would she complained if she knew it been the last time? She wished she savoured it.
“Goodbye Charlie. Sleep well.” It was possibly the most unoriginal thing she could have said. But at the moment nothing else came out. She dropped his hand and left Nick alone with Charlie. Soon her parents would bring in Oliver and then… and then what? Would things go on like normal? What would be normal now?
***
“Victoria.” Tori watched her mother as she stepped out from the smaller bathroom. She couldn’t enter the bathroom Charlie took his life in. A hot shower had washed away the blood. She didn’t answer, instead she threw her a vacant look. “I’m sorry for what I said. It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t put that much pressure on you, or made you feel like it was your fault.”
But it was. She seen him sad before. She should have seen the signs. Kept a better eye on him.
“It’s alright.” She told her mum. Tori opened her arms and gave the older woman a hug. “I’m tried. I’m going to bed.”
For the first time, she never got reprimanded for going to sleep at 1PM. It was not a change she wanted to get used to. She pulled down the blinds. The empty bottle had been placed on her night table. Beside it an unread letter from Charlie. Her eyes were fixed on it. Right now she did not have the energy to read it. Down stairs she could hear her parents discussing his funeral. She wanted to scream at them to shut up. Tori closed her eyes, wishing with all her heart that she wouldn’t opened them again. She wished this was just a terrible nightmare. She wished she had another chance to save her little brother.
***
It was the audible thunk of someone placing a bottle of diet lemonade on the table in front of her that woke her up.
“I wouldn’t count it as watching a movie, if you sleep through it. Adam Slander? And here I thought you had taste.” Charlie’s voice made her heart beat hard. She looked around room, panting as if she held her breath for as long as she could. It was raining, her computer was connected to the television. A bag of Salt and Vinegar crips was half eaten in front of her. She turned her gaze towards her phone. 10:15 PM. Charlie had placed a glass filled with ice and bottle of diet pink lemonade in front of her. She couldn’t say anything. Once again her body was frozen in fear. She watched as he poured glass, Charlie’s smile didn’t quite reached his eyes.
“Goodnight.” He said and without much more he turned to leave.
“Stay.” Tori asked, she finally gained back control over her body. He stood with his back turned to her. As if he considered leaving.
“Please.” That last request was a mere whisper. He turned around and made himself comfortable on the couch next to her. There was a look of surprise on his face when she pulled him close to her. She held on, afraid that if she would let go she would be back at the morgue again. He relaxed to her arms.
“Tori?”
“I love you.” She told him, she never said it enough.
A long silence.
“I know.” His voice was almost drowned out by the sound of the rain pattering against the window.
“I love you so very much. So does Nick, Oliver mum and dad. We all love you. We all… we would all miss you.” She told him. She thought they would sit in silence again. She thought Charlie would ask if she was alright. Instead she heard a soft sob from her little brother. The sob turned to full out crying. He held on to her almost as tightly as she held him. He didn’t stop crying.
“It’s hard. It’s so hard. I can’t. Not anymore.” Charlie confessed. Tori’s heart sunk, but she didn’t let it discourage her.
“We’ll find a way through it. You and I, and Nick of course.” No answer. It didn’t stop her from talking. She kept rubbing his back.
”Have you gone to your sessions?” Charlie shook his head. She nodded in return. That was enough pushing for tonight.
“Do you want Nick to come over?” Tori asked.
“It’s late. It’s a big game tomorrow. He’s asleep.”
“He’ll rather be with you.” Charlie didn’t have anything to argue against. It was decided then, she would call Nick. She hesitated a bit as she picked up her phone. Nick answered at the second tone.
“Charlie needs you. Can you come over?” Tori was straight to the point. She thought the call had ended. Nick didn’t say anything for awhile. She even checked if the call was connected.
“I’ll be there.” With that the call disconnected.
Neither of them had left the couch whilst they waited. She didn’t dare to leave him alone or let go. Not even when Oliver had woken up. She hadn’t considered Oliver, how could she explain this? Lie and say it was a bad dream? Tori knew it was insane, but what happened had been real. Her brother had been dead in her arms, and now he was back. She thought the little boy would end up crying because of the horror he’d witness. Instead he smiled brightly.
“Back from the shops?” The boy asked. Charlie nodded.
“Did they have truck crackers?” Charlie nodded again. She watched as the child ran up and hugged them both Goodnight.
“Can you mange to get to bed yourself?” Tori asked, she should make sure Oliver went back to bed properly, but she didn’t want to leave Charlie until Nick was back.
“Yes. I’m a big boy now.” he confirmed with a bright smile.
“You’ll always be my baby brother” Oliver frowned at that, but didn’t seem too bothered. Instead he went back to bed.
“That boy is easier to coax to go to bed than we ever were. Mum and dad had their hands full with us.” Tori told Charlie. She didn’t get a response. Whatever energy he used to appear somewhat normal to the child was completely gone. He looked exhausted.
He didn’t even react at the knock on the door. Just the mention of Nick used to fill him with life, he should running to the door. It was Tori who got up to let him inside. If Oliver didn’t remember, would Nick? Their parents? Would see be haunted by the dried blood on her hands when no one remembered it happening? She could take it, everything was better than burring him. Nick’s eyes met hers, but his gaze went straight to Charlie. He ran to his side, his large arms wrapping around Charlie’s too thin frame. Had she not looked at him properly? How did she miss that he was thinner again? But then she hadn’t noticed that he stopped accepting help. He’d stopped therapy.
“It’s alright love. I’m here.” Nick grounded Charlie. He was safe with Nick, Tori decided as she slipped away from the living room to once again check on Oliver. As promised he was back in bed, he was already asleep. She closed the door gently making sure she didn’t wake the other up. Maybe it was a compulsion to check on her younger siblings. She didn’t care. She wasn’t happy until she knew both was well and breathing. She heard Nick leave the living room, he was most likely carrying Charlie back to his bedroom. It wasn’t long after that Tori slipped in herself.
They watched Charlie sleep. His wall decor was still turned on. Neither of them wanted to leave Charlie in complete darkness.
“I remember.” Nick finally said. It was the first thing he said to Tori. She let out a sigh before nodding.
“Me too.”
“I think we are the only ones.”
“I know.”
“What do we do?”
“Right now? I’ll watch him sleep. Tomorrow we’ll make sure he accept helps again”
“And if he doesn’t?”
Tori didn’t know. She didn’t think either of them could handle finding Charlie in a pool of his own blood again. She knew they gotten something others could only dream of. They both had. Still it didn’t make the hurt go away.
“We’ll figure it out. Together.” The confidence in her voice had left her. She leaned against Charlie’s perfectly clean desk. Her hand brushed over an envelope. Horror washed through her as she picked it up, her own name was staring back at her. Her whole body was shaking. Nick was instantly there beside her. His hand gently resting over hers.
“You don’t have to read it again.” Nick said, his voice gentle. She could see that he was barley holding it together.
“I never read mine.”
“Do you want to read it now?”
Tori had to think about it. She shook her head as she placed it back with the others. Tomorrow they would help Charlie clean it up. Maybe it was part of therapy. Maybe it wouldn’t be a tomorrow, a dark voice told her. It was nearly enough to get her sick. Maybe they should have driven him straight to a clinic. He should be on suicide watch. She didn’t know what was the right choice.
“We need help.” Tori told Nick. He nodded in response. Neither of them wanted to see him in an institution but they knew how to help Charlie in ways they never could.
“I’ll call mum.” Nick said. She was the only adult they knew that could get Charlie the help he needed. She was mentally preparing herself for the uphill battle they would both face. Maybe in a year Nick and her would be able to look back at what happened and consider themselves lucky. Healing would be a long and hard road, but she knew she would have Nick and Charlie with her.