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Tony meets Guardians of the Galaxy and it's all he ever hoped to have - back then, in his childhood, and now, with the Avengers.
They're like a family, too, only they care to include him, a broken lonely and lost man from Earth, into their circle of hopeless losers who save the Galaxy every day.
It's too easy to fall into a familiar pattern - save the day, have a rest, stop some evil army from invading any planet, return back home. Only now his home is an old ship called Milano and he finds it more comforting than all of his houses with unlimited access to whatever he wants.
The shit they pull on a daily basis seemed unreal back then, when he tried to fit in with the Avengers and had nightmares every night about Chitauri invading his planet.
Now someone has a mad plan and, strangely enough, it works. And that's the main difference between two groups of superheroes: there's no leader in the Guardians. Peter might seem like one, but he's not: he listens to Tony's and Rocket's ideas and gives them a green light every time. Well, when Rocket doesn't suggest blowing up the Moon and Drax doesn't look too eager to lend a hand.
And then Tony just has to fall in love with Peter.
He panics because last time it happened he's fallen in love with Pepper and they both know how it worked out in the end.
He wasn't that hurt by their brake-up, he's calculated the approximate time they could last and his maths was and still is right as always. It just left a big gaping hole where his heart should be, because Pepper was a sweet strong stubborn person who knew him better than he knew himself and they still haven't managed to remain together.
"It's not working, is it?" he remembers asking when they were flying together to some stupid business trip.
"What? Tony, no, we talked about this, and you said it was going to work and -" she stops mid-sentence and there's a frown that tells him she understood what he meant. "No, I suppose not".
"But we're still besties, right?" he asks and there's hope and vulnerability in his voice because he can't lose her completely, not like this, flying over the ocean, not over some stupid relationship. He doesn't want them to turn into exes that hate each other and avoid each other and all that stupid shit that comes out of a fall out. He wants to be able to call her, to hear her voice. He wants his friend back.
And, god, she gets it, she totally does, because she smiles, takes his cold hand in hers and says, "This - being friends thing - can work."
And then it's not working the way it should, and Tony is all sweet smiles and friendly jokes, and something dies inside of him because Pepper can't tell the difference. She used to be able to, once, to see right through him, but not anymore. She looks at him and sees a friend happy with their new arrangement. She doesn't spot the wariness in everything he does, the stress in his shoulders, how stiff his posture is. There's no point in confronting her and going all "I know you cheated on me with Happy, Pep" if she wants to keep it that way.
Then Rhodey's visits become less and less frequent. Tony can't blame him, really. SI cut all the deals and contracts with military, it makes sense in the real world, not in the one Tony's managed to build for himself over the years. Rhodes comes for armor upgrades and they still play video games all night long and gossip like teenagers, but that's it, the tale of how Tony Stark lost all his friends in one go without doing anything wrong.
He pretends not to care. He still has Jarvis and bots who try to be useful but fail miserably at it. It reminds him someone he sees in the mirror every day, so he stops and laughs until his throat is dry and hoarse, but it's still better than coming out from his workshop and facing Pep or Happy with false joy. He's not drinking so they leave him as it is.
And then there are Avengers. They think that he's not worthy to be their teammate, and he's fine with that, he had the time to adjust to their rejection. For everyone out there in the world he's an Avenger, a valuable member of the team. His SHIELD contract says otherwise, and people who, as he frantically hoped at the beginning, should have been his friends and family, look down at him and think he tries to buy his place among them.
Tony upgrades their gear, allows them to use his money, deals with their problems because they just can't keep their mouths shut. They pick up on the reporters, and Tony has to go through all the trouble of paying large amounts of cash to stop the video from going viral. They crash places because Tony can always write a check and deal with it. Sometimes he thinks that they do it on purpose, trying to see how much he can take until he calls it a quit. At first he took their challenge, trying to prove something: he faced it all with plastic smiles, grinned and bore it.
Now he's too tired to even care what they think of him. He knows that he has to make Avengers legal, to protect them from the government, so he focuses his attention on that. This is what his life has become: he goes to court, defends his teammates who insulted some paparazzo, tries to hint that they could operate better if they were legal and independent, writes bills for collateral damage, goes home, invents things for SI, upgrades team's weapons, repairs the suit, visits galas and various fundraisers, flies across the globe in stupid business trips that make his chronic headaches worse, drags himself to SI meetings because Pepper needs time for her personal life, he gets that now. It doesn't matter that he forgets to eat and gets to sleep no more than 3 hours in three days.
The wonders of outer space are refreshing, and Tony feels like he can finally breathe again. There is something comforting and soothing in the fact that Guardians give him nothing but blank looks when he introduces himself. Only Peter remembers the family name but he doesn't push for it when he realizes that Tony doesn't really like talking about his father. Tony has never thought that he could be so relieved that Earth's currency has no use in space. They use something called "digits", though Tony never gets used to it the same way Peter never understands the difference between dollars, euros and other stupid things, as he calles them.
Tony finds it quite easy talking about his past when the team isn't trying to compare his public image and who he really is. They see someone broken but still with a golden heart, a man tired of fighting but fighting nevertheless, and make it clear that he fits right in. Tony tells Peter about his mistakes, about all the people his weapons has killed, about being sold to terrorists, being tortured and building a way to escape.
And... Peter listenes. There is no pity in his eyes, no mockery, just understanding and desire to help. Quill tells him about how aliens has kidnapped him and become his family, about fighting against Ronan and saving one certain planet from him.
Others are really supportive, too. Gamora reminds him of Natasha, only she doesn't try to hide that she is a trained assassin. Rocket bonds with him over cool tech that is, according to him, outdated, but Tony is still amazed to no end. For some strange reason Tony can understand Groot's language which makes Rocket extremely jealous. Groot admits about being a prince, which makes everyone glare at Raccoon who just shruggs, and, wow, two princes in one team. Drax is fun to talk to, because, you know, metaphors, but Tony and Peter try to explain it to him the best they can. He seems insulted after it turns out Stark knows about "putting someone's finger on his throat".
Communicating with Rocket is easy for one more fundamental reason. Tony knows how it feels to be looked down at, laughed at, picked at. He remembers being a scrawny teenager, remembers how everyone thought he was stupid or not enough, never enough. That's why he teases him without actually meaning it: there's laughter behind his words, just like with Bruce.
A sudden memory makes him sad, because apparently only mad scientists can understand each other perfectly on Earth. Bruce just doesn't feel confident enough to protect Tony from the Avengers, and the genius is strangely okay with that. He still makes calls across the Galaxy and chats with him about everything. He learns from him that no one actually misses him that much apart from the bots and the media. While robots just don't know how to operate without his constant presence, reporters claim that it's unexpectedly boring without his face being plastered all over the news. He actually laughs at that, but he doesn't feel pain or sadness. He hears Peter arguing with Rocket who attempts to dismantle the ship for parts again, and feels his lips twitch in a small smile.
"You seem relaxed," Bruce tells him. He fiddles with his glasses and tries to smile in return. "It's... I sometimes find it hard to remember how your real smile looks like."
So, no, Tony is not hopeful, hasn't been for a long time. He's bitter and ragged, he's weary and tired, he knows that he can't have nice things, they just don't happen to Tony Stark, there's nothing he can do about that. He's sarcastic and defensive, he's always on alarm, he always tries to avoid getting attached, but it's to late, isn't it, and he gets to watch in horror as he gets used to their care and attention, as he's made a part of something, as he's accepted, made one of them.
And then he falls for Peter, hard.
He's never met such an optimist in his entire life. Quill got hurt a lot, too, but while it made Tony insecure, bitter and afraid of making new connections, Star-Lord never stopped trying. Tony is all about sharp edges and it always rubs everyone around him the wrong way, but Peter's warm and soft and caring, and Tony's edges and shuttered hopes finally find a rest.
He's afraid. He's terrified. He lies at night, listening to a quiet rhythmic hum of engines, and his head is full of "what if"s. What if Peter doesn't like him this way? What if he'll feel disgusted? What if he'll kick Tony out? And he can't lose this, he won't be able to cope with the void, he knows. And if they can be that way? What if Tony won't be enough? If he screws everything up? What if Peter will want Tony to change, like Pepper did? Tony tried, he gave everything he had and more, and it still wasn't enough. And what if Peter finds someone more... attractive and young? Tony will have to go back home at some point, and he doesn't want it to be a repeat of what he had with Pepper, when he wasn't with her all the time, when he wasn't enough despite trying so hard. He doesn't want to break up with Peter, to be hated, to be alone again. He knows it'll be awkward like it's now with Pepper only with added knowledge that he fucked up the only good thing in his life.
What if he'll ruin Peter with his love? He's not that young, he feels like it's his last chance at happiness, he realizes, that, perhaps, there will never be anyone else. He'll cling to Peter, he'll try to hold onto him as long as possible, and what if it brakes them both in the process? Tony doesn't want this caring and loving and bright person to turn into someone bitter and composed under his influence. He dreads the possibility of being too much, because he can be not enough and too much at the same time, and he's pretty sure no one needs a mess like him in their life.
So he pretends like he's happy, like he's not pinning after Quill, like he doesn't bite the pillow at night in order not to scream. They have movie nights, and ask his opinion, and he lets Peter choose because he could trust him with his life, trust all of them with it. He sits near Quill, and their shoulders brush, and Tony uses Peter as his pillow. He finds it hard not to touch, his fingers long from the desire to feel the warmth of human skin. He curses mentally and tacks his cold palms under his thighs, and it doesn't help, because he feels cold now, he feels like he's hot, and it's a constant change.
And he can work with that, it's okay, really, until it's not, because luck has never been kind to Tony Stark.
They encounter a witch one day, and, seriously, he almost cries from laughter, because, boy, doesn't he have enough of this shit at home, he wants some variety in villains, dammit, fighting an army of badoons was boring enough the first time. So it's all fun, jokes and metaphors (just to mess with Drax because both Peter and Tony are sassy as hell) until she points at him and begins to talk.
"There's a feeling, strong a burning inside of you," she says. "It burns and burns, and you hurt and hurt, and yet you do not consider yourself to be worthy a try."
And Guardians look at him with alarm, especially Drax, having heard the worlds "burn" and "hurt", and Tony stops dead in his tracks, because he knows what exactly she's talking about.
"You have been wronged enough in your life, boy," her voice is sweet, but Tony has an uneasy feeling about this, so he just closes his eyes and waits for something bad to happen. "You deserve to "have good things", if I may put it in your own words. You deserve so much more, my dear boy. Let me help you."
Tony's world swims, he feels like he's about to drown and he wants to beg her to stop, to leave it as it is, to tell, to yell that he's fine, but his throat isn't working right and he hates magic, and he just stand there, closing and opening his mouth in hope that Universe doesn't hate him that much.
"There's nothing wrong in being in love," she muses, and Tony can swear that he goes completely red in the face, which, he has to say, hasn't happened for more that twenty years.
"Tony?" Peter's voice is behind him, and he's afraid to turn around, afraid to look into blue eyes that hold an entire universe for him.
"Let me show you, Peter Jason Quill, what true and pure love looks like," the witch says, and, a second later, she's gone, leaving them as they are, on a deserted area with Milano parked in the distance.
Quill makes a choking sound and something inside of the genius dies: he knows.
"Tony," his voice sounds cautious and strained, like he is not sure what he feels. "Are you... Are you in love with me?"
Tony wants to deny, to plead, to beg, to promise that he'll never mention it again if it makes Peter uncomfortable. Then he wants to snap, to ask if seeing his thoughts wasn't enough to show how fuck up he is, but then he just feels a tide of tiredness wash over him, he feels his opportunity of being happy die before his eyes, so he does neither. He just stands and wants it to be over with. Damn, he knew he shouldn't get used to it. It was too good to last.
"Yes," he says and does nothing, just stands and waits for another shoe to drop.
He feels a warm arm on his shoulder instead, and Peter makes him turn.
"You should've told me how you felt," he says.
"I..." Tony begins but trails off when Quill kisses him, long and passionate, sweet and careful, like he's afraid to scare Tony away.
There's something ugly and heavy in his chest, and he can't breathe, and his eyes hurt, and then he's sobbing into Peter's shoulder, clutching at his clothes. Quill throws his arms around his new found lover and holds him, whispering reassuring words.
This is all Tony wanted for a long while: to be held like this when he needs it, to have someone be stronger than he is, because he's tired of carrying all the weight on his shoulders, to have someone who can fix it. For the first time he feels like he can trust someone with everything: with all his problems and issues, insecurities and hopes. He can trust Peter with his heart, because someone finally saw him as he is, without all his facade, and accepted him fully.
Looks like he owes Dr Doom a quick thank you for this strange trip in space where he found more than he ever hoped for.