Chapter Text
As a connoisseur of crappy games—not by choice—I am on a mission to find one that can’t be ruined by my crappy psychic powers.
The spoilers remain as persistent as Teruhashi chasing after an offu.
Offu-fucking-course. There goes any chance of a video game with a half-decent plot. What’s left is idle farming simulations and… Animal Crossing. Now here’s my chance to play a popular game, so I can be one step closer to sweet mediocrity. I can picture the mundane chitter-chatter already: Oh, you play Animal Crossing? So do I.
Not that I have friends for these hypothetical conversations. Only nuisances.
On my social pyramid, there’s only Weird, Weirder, and Weirdest of Weirdos. What an unbalanced diet. What will it take to be a ho-hum, dull and peaceful, boring old What’s-His-Name? I miss the days when Teruhashi didn't know my name wasn't Saiki Kunio. That's a lie. I miss the days she didn't know I existed.
Typically my allowance goes to coffee jelly and coffee jelly-related knickknacks, but this time I’ve saved up enough to buy the new Animal Crossing game in time for its release. Today I will walk to Gamepause and wait in line like a normal person, surrounded by other normal people.
Out of habit, I pass by Cafe Mami. Their chalkboard is advertising limited-edition Vietnamese coffee jelly infused with Tahitian vanilla. Ha, as if slapping some foreign names will fool me into buying it—
Hmm, my wallet feels significantly lighter? I’m already seated at my usual spot? Biblically inaccurate angels are singing in eerie pitch-perfect harmony?
“Here you go, sir! One order of Vietnamese coffee jelly infused with Tahitian vanilla! Sixteen more to go!”
There’s that unnecessarily long name again.
It seems that I’ve already ordered this Vietnamese coffee jelly infused with Tahitian vanilla (seventeen of them!), so I might as well enjoy it. Though I have no memory of such. Could it be… I’ve become an ordinary person with ordinary memory loss? ..…Talk about wishful thinking.
Unfortunately, I still remember my first words (telepathy), and my first steps (cruising on Mom’s motorcycle). And there’s Dad wiping baby food from my face (most of it levitated on his tacky new suit), and me at the ripe age of four, wiping an entire nation from existence (they discovered my ESP).
Suffice to say, my mind is as sharp as ever, a weapon turned against me. I can't even enjoy the simplest things—petting a cat, scoring well on an exam by my own merit, reacting to a surprise birthday party—without my powers muscling into my everyday life.
Cats disdain all homo sapiens equally, as I did, but at least my younger self didn’t treat them like slaves serving me on hand and foot. I could’ve, but my aspirations had laid elsewhere. They were limited to playground popularity and petty victories at rock-paper-scissors. Largely because of my mom’s teachings. My dad was no help whatsoever. Neither was my brother, who is partially responsible for my lack of faith in humanity.
“Same goes for you, little brother! Compared to you, other people are nothing but dung beetles rolling a boulder up a hill, never reaching the top, stuck to a thankless Sisyphean task!”
….I’ve remembered something unpleasant. Kusuke had a Greek mythology phase, but he couldn’t just do anything by halves. No, he had to make his obsession my problem.
Forget it, let’s not sour my day by reminiscing on mincing him like an onion. Layers he has, but he can’t even flavor soup like a normal member of the Alliaceae family. Shallots? He's as shallow as they come. Leeks? He leaks out private government intel for kicks. Chives? He has zero regard for human lives.
Animal Crossing can wait for a while longer. This deluxe coffee jelly is luxurious, sinfully delicious…. Though it would be better if someone wasn’t thinking so loudly.
Saiki-kun always takes his time eating his coffee jelly. I wish he would eat faster. My shift at Gamepause is starting soon. Boss says there’s going to be a crowd for that new Animal Crossing game so if I start early, he might give me a bonus!
For once, Mera isn’t salivating over my food, but I’m not sure if the looming is an improvement.
As soon as Saiki-kun finishes, I’ll leave through the special shortcut that Takahashi-kun taught me!
….Hold on, when did she get so close with that sketchy classmate of ours?
Alright, Takahashi may have some redeeming qualities, since he and his friends returned Saiko’s money because they wanted to become his true friend, not paid by the hour, but Aiura saw his aura. All slime and sludge. It puts a bad taste in my mouth.
If I don’t stop thinking about him, he’ll ruin the taste of this perfectly good coffee jelly.
C-c-c c'mon, c-c-c c'mon, go, go!
I’m sorry, Mera, but coffee jelly deserves to be savored. Especially this one. In the first place, you don’t have to stay until I’m done. The manager may be getting on in years, but I’m the only customer here, and a familiar face to boot. How about you take your own advice? After all that trouble I went through to make part-time jobs legal at PK High, it’d be annoying if you got fired because of me.
Come to think of it, does Cafe Mami provide carry-out containers? I can take this coffee jelly with me. A simple application of cryokinesis, and voila, chilled to the optimal temperature of 2.22°C, or 36°F for the countries with convoluted measurement systems. US Customary. More like US customs, the airports are so inefficient—and that’s a businesswoman’s irritation bleeding into my thoughts.
Separating them is supposed to be easy. I cross my eyes to check out the satellite surveilling my limiter’s activity. Clairvoyance! I don't have to say it every time, but it helps me concentrate.
That makes me sound like Kaidou in his worst bouts of chuunibyou. Nendou once called him Chibi-byou. It was fairly accurate, but wasn't that a little too much? He did save the picture of us three together in his wallet. Also, he got tricked by a fortune-teller who sold him a trinket for making 100 friends… I think 0 friends is preferable, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Even though the world doesn’t seem to take my opinions into account.
“Saiki-kun! Nice to see you again!”
Ah, this must be the Gamepause where Mera works. I see that she’s wearing the maid costume again. Why? I thought that joke was already done and over with. Don’t go reusing it for no reason. It’s unfair to Mera. At least Hairo endures the brunt of the fanservice so the girls don’t have to. Though, I think his ass has more screen time than some female characters. I suppose it’s my younger self’s fault for altering the world.
Wait a millisecond—no, not a millisecond, they remind me of millipedes. Wait a minute. I specifically said that if clothes malfunction, they’d cover the important bits, however improbable it would be. Is Hairo’s ass so powerful that it overrode my mind control?
I turn towards Mera, who’s been speaking to me for a while. Sorry for not paying attention. I respect you for not falling for the farce of romance.
Rifuta and Teruhashi is a work-in-progress. If I’m lucky, Chiyo and Aiura will end up with them too. They’re all girls, so Teruhashi’s rabid fan club can’t do anything if they’re in a relationship. It’s for the best.
“Oh, you’re getting the new Animal Crossing? I didn’t know you liked these kinds of games!” She scans the boxes. “That’ll be 43,000 yen!”
This is extortion. No one game can be worth this much. But luckily, I had the foresight to look up the prices beforehand and account for sales tax, so I should have just enough—
Enough…
“…Saiki-kun? Are you okay? You’re looking more dead inside than usual.”
How much was that Vietnamese coffee jelly infused with Tahitian vanilla? Why is Mera holding out her hand like she expects me to cough up that much when my wallet is emptier than the inside of Nendou’s skull?
“You did spend almost this much on Vietnamese coffee jelly infused with Tahitian vanilla earlier. Could it be… you don’t have enough?”
She squints at my face like she’ll find an answer there, but she won’t, because I am perfectly composed.
“Well if that’s the case—”
It’s not. You can’t read my mind.
“—we have some similar products in the discount bin!” She ducks under the counter and comes back up with two battered boxes. “Offu-The-Rails for the Nendou Swap!”
Nendou?!
“It’s basically the same game, aaaand, you can buy it with pocket change! I was going to buy it myself, but then there was this sale on bulk nori…”
So it’s a knockoff. Wait, don’t distract me! Didn’t you just say Nendou? Why is his name popping up all of a sudden?!
“So it’s all yours if you want it!”
I don’t want it. Why would I spend my last precious yen on a knockoff?
Mera isn’t taking the hint. She’s still holding out the boxes and eyeing my poor, empty wallet. Her eyes flick to the person standing in line behind me, drawing my attention to their impatient thoughts of Feels bad buddy, but could you hurry it up?
Low blow, Mera.
It’s unfortunate, but it looks like I’ll have to walk out empty-handed. I refuse to buy another knockoff video game, and nothing is going to change my mind.
Please buy it, Saiki-kun!
What’s this?
I wasn’t really going to buy it. Actually, I’ve never heard of it before now. I just grabbed the first thing I saw in the bin.
This isn’t helping your case, Mera-san.
But it looks cute! And that cover is really familiar for some reason… Haven’t I seen a cat like that hanging around Saiki’s house?
I’ve never seen this cat in my life.
If he brings it to school, I create a betting pool on what he’ll do, which leads to cha-ching! Disposable income! And I can watch him play the game. It might be interesting.
Nonsense, I would never risk Matsuzaki-sensei’s wrath like that. Gambling is wrong.
No, I shouldn’t be thinking like that. What kind of life is it to be living vicariously through someone else, hoping beyond all hope you could be them one day?
This feels oddly pointed.
I don’t know what the message is here, but I remember the whole arc with Mera’s father. It was a little painful. Life is harsh, and I’m exposed to reality because of everyone’s thoughts, insulated as I am in my personal bubble. I’ve seen my airhead mother get swindled by salespeople of all shapes and sizes and motives. I’ve seen my hothead father get harassed by his boss and harass others below him. I’ve seen children bully Akechi to the point of it leaving permanent scars on his psyche.
I shouldn’t have a drop of sympathy left in my soul. I wasn’t even sure if souls existed, until I learned about the existence of ghosts from the worst source ever. Seriously.
A normal, mundane person would be embarrassed in this kind of situation. They might feel ashamed for holding up the line, or for keeping their cashier waiting, or for walking out without buying anything. All this might cause them to make the ill-advised decision to spend the last of their hard-earned cash on the most subpar product in the history of human invention.
I am not a normal, mundane person, but I keep the appearance of one. Which is the only reason I am standing outside Gamepause with an extra bag in my hands and zero yen to my name.
Good grief.