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Amp is Too Pushi

Summary:

Q: When did Saiki first use his transformation powers to matchmake?
A: For Amp and Pushi.

In which Saiki's only frame of reference for "normal" romance is his parents' first encounter, and he reenacts it with cats.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:


Just as Saiki was thinking about how to drive away the newest nuisance, that cat...

Had morphed into an entirely different art style.

[Aha.] 

«Mrowr?! What's with that smile?!»

He had his answer.


It takes two hours to set his plan in motion, but predictably, the cat is still there. So is his dad. He watches him create a cat's paw, beckoning at the cat while talking in that horrible baby-voice.

"A hungwy one, aren't you~♡"

Saiki could've lived without the knowledge of his dad sounding like that. Ugh. He can practically see the hearts float over, and he bats one away. Too much force. It splats on the ground like a c*ckroach, or something equally disgusting.

"Soon it'll be yummy in your tummy, and you'll let me pet you today~~!"

[A grown man mimicking a maneki-neko? If anyone saw this ugly sight at a storefront, the shop would immediately go out of business.]

Unfortunately, Saiki's glasses can't shield his eyes. He has to wear them, even when transformed. As odd as they look on his current form, he isn't going to petrify the stupid cat.

No matter how satisfying that would be.

Careful to not break his dad's bones, Saiki jumps onto his back. He already whines about his back-breaking work at his manga publishing company, no need to give him more excuses.

«Who're you?! Haven't seen you before... you new? This is my turf! Back off!»

[Don't carelessly claim random places as yours.] Saiki jumps again, meeting him at eye-level. At this, he flinches. So arrogant with humans, but an unknown cat causes so much anxiety? Then again, that might be Saiki's psychic aura at play. An animal instinct to treat him as a predator, heightened by their similar shapes.

[I've lived here for over ten years. Never as a cat, though.] 

His dad, completely oblivious, coos something that Saiki won't repeat, not even for the sake of the story's narrative flow.

[What's with this gross old man.]

"Oh, a kitty punch—BLRFT!"

But the gross old man produces some amusing sounds, on occasion.

[Since I'm not used to this body type, controlling my strength is hard. Oops.] Saiki pays no mind to the cat's rambling, unimportant as it is. [But the human body is resilient, which is a genetic quirk that I accidentally altered, so he'll heal fast enough. Such are the ways of this inconsistent, patchwork manga-like world.]

"Definitely... reminds me of...." Ah, there's foam bubbling from someone's mouth. How unhygienic.

«I, I'm not scared of you! If you want a fight, I w-won't lose. Not at all! But violence begets hatred, causing an endless cycle that can't be br-broken from—» 

[Come with me, Amp.]


After some token denials, Amp agrees to his suggestions, because he desperately wants to mate with Pushi.

Saiki, mentally preparing for his villainous role, passes by a sign.

Beware of burglars and prowlers!

By human standards, Amp would fall into the second category. Really, he should count his lucky stars that he's a cat—and that Saiki is helping him.


During Saiki's bathroom break, the would-be hero has successfully bungled his first impression.

Great. Just great.

[I should've gone outside, like a cat would. Nothing I can do about it now.]

[I guess I should help him.]

If that's not a compromising position, Saiki doesn't know what is.

«Pervert! You scared off my butterfly! Grr, I'll claw you into pretty ribbons... let go of me! Help, help!» 

«Sai, tell her it's just a misunderstanding!» 

[Objectively speaking, it doesn't look like one.] He brushes him aside, calculating the ways he can salvage this disaster. [Alright, I'll handle it.]

Amp goes flying straight into a cement wall.

[Geh?]

Last time Saiki checked, Amp didn't suddenly sprout wings or the urge to give himself brain-damage, so that means—

[I messed up. Big time.]

«Myaa, thank you~! You're so strong! Please mate... I mean, can I have my savior's name?» 


Outside the Saiki household, the number of meowing nuisances has increased to three. However, only two are actual cats.

"Amp, Pushi! It's dinner twime~!"

As for how his dad learned Pushi's name... he must've asked around the neighborhood.

[Don't be so friendly with them.]

Notes:

A silly canon-retelling to justify the previous fics in the series. Saiki's reaction to an annoyance (Amp) is to matchmake (Chapter 49 in the manga).

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