Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“What’s your favorite color, honey?”  Rouge’s voice was patient and attempting to be soothing.  Her heels clicked on the unnaturally smooth, white tile floor as she perused the boxes of fur coloring.

Shadow Android didn’t know.  He rustled through his memory for things that he liked- things that he knew were his.

Of course, the first thing to come to mind was Sonic.  But he wasn’t trying to be like Sonic.  That was the last thing he wanted.

He liked the sky.  Not the cold, dead, empty night sky; the one that reminded him of how small, how fake, how helpless he was.  The pale blue of clear afternoons, soft, freeing, and limitless.  With all the free time he now had, he often found himself wandering to somewhere high up, just to feel the wind pushing against his body.  It reminded him that he, his body, was real.

Could he go with a slightly different blue?  Would that seem like copying to Sonic?

Rouge looked at him, awaiting his response.  He didn’t really have any better ideas, so…

“I like light blue.”

She smiled.  “Like, baby blue, or cornflower blue?”

Shadow Android looked at the wall of possibilities before them.  The ‘baby blue’ was too bright for his liking.  It was closer to the color of the sky, but he wasn’t sure it would look good on him with his bright red eyes.

He wished there was a way to change those, too…

“Cornflower.”

Rouge nodded and retrieved the box.  “That’ll suit you nicely, kid.  It’ll go great with your dark blue.”  She went to pass the box to him, but when he reached out with his left hand to grab it, his fingers couldn’t close fast enough.  It dropped directly onto the floor.

Shadow Android huffed, glaring at his newly regenerated hand.  It may have been completely healed, just as he’d predicted, but all his muscle memory was gone.  He had to relearn how to use his hand from scratch.

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie.  Here.”  She gave him the shopping basket to hang from his elbow before picking up the box herself.

“It’s not your fault.”

When she looked up at him, she had that funny ‘Mom’ look on her face again.

“It’s no one’s fault.”   The box of dye joined the handful of other cosmetic items in the basket.  “It’s okay to be frustrated, but don’t blame yourself for ‘not healing fast enough.’”

“I’m… trying.  It’s hard.”  It didn’t have the spirit behind it that he’d learned to take on.  Dropping the act left him softer, more vulnerable… But he was so sick of pretending.

At least Rouge never pointed any of it out.

“It is.  It is.”  She patted the top of his head, making his face scrunch up with embarrassment.  “What do you say we go home and give you a little makeover, sport?”

He nodded, and they walked toward the checkouts.  “Let’s hope Omega hasn’t blown up another car in the parking lot.”

“To be fair- that guy was parked in the fire lane, and he decided to harass that lady.”

“I never said Omega was in the wrong.”

The smell of bleach had Shadow Android sniffling as he scribbled in a notebook propped up on the edge of the ivory porcelain.  Carefully, he avoided brushing the slowly-paling streaks on his arms up against anything.  Behind him, Rouge used a rough-bristled brush to evenly coat the red on his head spines with the irritating mush.

Evidently, she had taken a glance over his shoulder.  He wasn’t too surprised that the nosy, but well-meaning spy was curious about what he was writing.

“Brainstorming some new names?”

He grunted affirmatively instead of nodding, not wanting to mess up Rouge’s handiwork.

“What’cha got so far?”

He sighed.  “Sonic thought of ‘Andy.’  Not sure how I feel about it.”

“Psh- let me guess, short for ‘android?’  That boy and his nicknames…”  She wrapped a section of spines with a small square of aluminum foil before moving on to the next section of red.

“It’s a little on-the-nose, but…  Oh, I don’t know.”

“Any other ideas?”

“...Not really.  It’s hard, when I don’t really know much about myself.”

Rouge hummed thoughtfully.  “You could try it out for a while.  Change it if you don’t like it later.”  She moved, opening up a plastic grocery bag and covering his spines with it.  “Would you spell it with a ‘Y,’ or an ‘I?’”

He paused, then wrote ‘Andi’ on the paper, too.  “Hm.”

She knelt down and started working on his legs.

“I think I like it better with an ‘I.’”

“Me, too.  Much prettier.”

The idea of being ‘pretty’ resonated with him, and he felt warm in his chest.

“Andi.”  He tested the feel of it on his tongue, in his ears.  “Maybe.”

“Alright, kid, close your eyes.  Gotta do your eyeliner now.”  She swapped the coarse brush for an old makeup brush.

Andi did not like the pale yellow streaks much at all.  Of course, it wasn’t going to be the final result, but it still made him feel more fake, somehow.  His 'stomach' twisted.  What if the blue made him feel the same way?

Rouge was quick to notice the sickly look on his face and directed him away from the mirror.

"Your quills have to dry before we can color them.  You hungry?  Do you want to watch something?"

"I don't know if I need to eat."

"I'd wager so.  You're at least partially organic.  But even if you weren't- that wouldn't mean you aren't allowed to enjoy food, hun."

Andi hummed.  "I want hot chips."  He wandered into the kitchen, startling when he saw the yellowed fur on his arm out of the corner of his eye.

When he returned, Rouge was lounging on the couch, leaving plenty of room for him to join her.  Omega sat on the floor next to the couch, gesturing for Rouge to hand over the remote.  She pretended not to notice.

"What are you in the mood for, Andi?"

He smiled a little.  The instinct to smother it bubbled up, but he forced it down again.  "I don't know- whatever is fine."

"I want to watch the screaming women."  Omega opened and closed their claws, as if to grab at the remote again.  "Brittany will enact her revenge on Lucille this week.  The destruction of their partnership will be akin to the destruction of a flaming bus- I must bear witness to it."

"Any objections?"  Rouge said in a teasing tone, clearly expecting Andi to show some resistance.

He simply shrugged.  "Okay."  He didn't need to pretend to be above it anymore.

Rouge finally relinquished the remote control to the robot, and Andi settled next to her, consciously choosing to snuggle close to her.

He didn't pay much attention, not because he was putting up a sense of superiority, but because his mind was occupied with other things.

He wondered what Sonic was doing.

As he stepped out of the shower, Andi tried to soak up some of the cold water by towel-drying his fur.  Rouge had said that hot water could make the color fade faster, and he wanted to preserve it as well as he could.

With great anticipation, he checked his reflection.

Rouge had been right- the paler blue matched up perfectly with his natural deep navy coat.  His quills were messed and wet, but he already felt… different.

He checked that the door was fully closed before combing through his spines and examining his new appearance with a close eye.

His eyes didn't clash as badly as he feared they would, but he'd still rather have changed them.  To what color, he didn't know.  His quills seemed resistant to the new style he'd tried to comb them into, refusing to do much else than their 'natural' state.

Still, though.  It was different.  It was pleasing.  It set Andi apart.  And for that, he was grateful.

Frowning had been his default expression for years.  He had to make an effort to soften his face.  But once he had done that, it wasn't that hard for Andi to smile.  He turned his face to get a few different angles as he tested out some new expressions.

Andi decided that he definitely liked the blue.  The softness it gave him.  The way he looked with a gentle smile.  He felt… new.  Like he'd somehow washed Shadow's ghost away with the red.

There were still tinges, here and there.  Things that made something in him dissonant.  His eyes, the unyielding shape of his spines.  There was something else, too, but he couldn't quite put his claw on it.

Overall, though- he was pleased.  Very pleased.  It was a good start to becoming a person.

"Oh, look at you!"  Rouge gushed, turning away from the television.  "How do you feel about it, Andi?"

He focused.  Smiled.

"I like it."

"You look a lot happier already."  She seemed proud, and it only made him feel even lighter.

"...Yeah."  He felt bashful.  He took his place next to Rouge again.

"We should go clothes shopping- help you find your own style, yeah?"

"Sure.  I want to do some research first, though."

She winked.  "Let me know whenever you're ready."

He nodded, then jumped as the television played a loud crashing sound.  Omega clapped, their large, metal hands only adding to the cacophony.

Chapter Text

Ever since the others had learned of Andi's true nature, there had been an easing of the discomfort that came with lying.

Most of the time.

There was still a brief, nagging feeling that something was being concealed.  Andi couldn't bear it.

Shadow had been a 'he.'  So, naturally, Andi had been, too, for a time.  But something was off about all of it.

"Omega."  The android approached while the other was “practicing” their aim.  (Not that a robot designed for combat would need to practice, but they’d learned not to stop them a long time ago.)  "I have a question for you."

The robot barely paused, continuing to annihilate the dummy at the other end of the shooting gallery.  "Deliver your query."

"How do you experience gender?"

Omega stopped to reload, but before they began shooting again, they answered.  "I do not.  It is irrelevant to my design."

Andi frowned.  "Do… do you know of any robots that have gender identities?"  Confusion creeped forward.

"It is exceedingly rare.  Though," they turned towards the android, "You are a unique unit.  You have soft, fragile flesh and slightly superior mechanics.  Your programming is fluid and influenced by your own desires.  Because you are capable of determining your own design- your own purpose- you are the one who determines whether an obsolete concept such as 'gender' is necessary."

Andi paused and looked away for several long moments.  Omega returned to shooting.

"I hadn't considered that.  Thank you, Omega."

In true Sonic fashion, the next time ze saw the hyperactive hero was by complete coincidence.

"Andi, hey!"  Sonic had called to zem, skidding to a stop from his top speed.  Andi was certain he'd given himself whiplash.  "Nice look, dude!"

Ah, right.  While Andi had kept him up-to-date on the proper way to refer to zem, they hadn't actually discussed zir new appearance at all.

"Sonic."  Ze nodded shortly, instinctually falling back on that old, closed-off personality.  Upon seeing the flash of concealed disappointment on Sonic's face, though, ze forced zemself to loosen up.  "It's nice to see you again."

"Loving the blue," he tried once more.

To cover zir embarrassment, ze smirked.  "I figured you would."

"Psh- what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well… is blue not your favorite?"  Ze wasn't sure where ze had gotten that information, but it felt true.  Had ze made it up?

"I mean, I like it, sure, but it's not my favorite."   He started walking in the direction he had been heading before he stopped for Andi.  Ze followed.  "My favorite is probably orange.  Or red.  Or yellow- all the warm colors, I guess!"  He laughed.

Andi didn't stop the smile that grew on zir face.  Ze felt relaxed, suddenly.  When Sonic noticed, a dusting of red appeared on his muzzle.

"-Blue's nice, too, though.  You look great."

"Thank you.  I'm quite fond of it, myself."

"Wha'cha doing all the way out here?"

Ze reminded zemself that there would be no consequences for honesty.

"Feeling the wind."  The grassy plains they had found themselves in were nearly perfect for such a thing.  "It relaxes me.  What are you doing out here?"

Sonic looked at zem with a soft, silly-looking smile, before snapping out of it and replacing it with his trademark grin.  "I was just heading somewhere special.  Want to come along?"

With an embarrassing lack of hesitation, ze agreed.

Their relationship was in an odd limbo.  They were both hyper aware of the others' feelings, as well as their own.  The only thing stopping them was the worry that they might move too quickly while Andi was focusing on finding zemself.  Each moment ze spent with Sonic, ze found it harder and harder to justify that concern.

Being with Sonic made zem more open- better able to experience and feel new things.  His adventurous heart seemed to bleed into zem and force sincerity to shine through the armor ze'd been made to wear.

Sincerity was utterly freeing.  It almost hurt, knowing that ze had starved zemself of it for so, so long.

Sonic led zem to a pond with a tiny island in it.  The island was only about twenty steps long and ten steps wide, and was just a few feet off the shore.  Still, it was enough for a handful of trees to make a home there.

Sonic's first goal was to climb one of those trees and find a stable branch to lounge on.  Andi remained on the ground, resting against the tree's trunk.

For several minutes, they didn't speak at all.  Andi closed zir eyes and listened to the calls of frogs from shore, the breeze weaving through the trees above zem, the occasional splashing of hungry fish trying to snatch waterbugs from the surface of the pond.

Ze was definitely enamored with nature, but ze had always known that.

"What about this place is special to you?"  Ze asked, breaking the silence.  Ze hoped it wouldn't ruin the scene.

"Oh," Sonic answered sleepily, "Tails and I camped out here for a while when we were little.  S' nostalgic."

Andi looked at the surrounding land.  There wasn't much area to work with, and there were too many trees to even have a clear space for a camp.

"Where did you have your tent?  Or did you just have sleeping bags?"  The latter wouldn't shock zem.

"Didn't have either.  We burrowed when it was nasty out."  Andi couldn't see his face and had difficulty puzzling out his emotions from his neutral tone.  "We were, like, homeless homeless, Andi."

"Oh."  What was ze supposed to say to that?  "I'm sorry.  I didn't know."

"S'fine!  I'm the one that brought you here.  I'm not ashamed of it, or anything."

“...Even through everything, I’ve always had somewhere that I could be.  I can’t imagine being without that.”

Sonic was quiet, and ze started to worry ze had said something wrong.

“The way I see it,” he started again, “This whole world is home.  My friends are home.  We all belong here.”  Sonic sighed.  “I think the worst part about it was taking care of Tails.  -The hardest, not the worst.  Living out in nature was all I ever knew, but Tails grew up in a cozy cottage.”

Andi was amazed at Sonic’s openness.  He’d never been one to discuss less-than-positive emotions, especially his own.  Ze didn’t want to blow it by making a grating comment, but ze was curious.

“How did you two end up traveling together?  If he had a home before, I mean.”

Sonic hummed thoughtfully, then shifted, looking down at Andi.  “...Promise not to tell Tails I told you this?”

Andi nodded.  “Promise.”

“He was kind of an outcast.  Because of his two tails.  The harassment was really bad by the time we ran into each other.  I think he was looking for a way out, to be honest.”

That explained the kit’s somewhat spotty pattern of confidence.  In his comfort zone, the boy had an ego to rival Sonic’s own, but once he stepped out of it, he seemed to be much more vulnerable to his insecurities.  Even with how little ze interacted with him, though, ze could see how far he’d come over the years.

The only drawback to that was that now they had two Sonic-sized personalities to deal with.  But their bond was undeniable.  Their power as a duo was obvious to all who witnessed them work together.

Far, far back in Shadow’s retained memories, Andi recalled the storybooks Maria and Shadow had read.  The concept of twin flames- two halves of a single soul.  It was a fantastical concept that filled the children with wonder, though ze remembered that Shadow had been skeptical of the idea carrying over to real life.

Andi had seen it, though.  Shadow and Maria, beacons of hope brought to their premature end through their ultimate, cruel, unnecessary sacrifice.  Sonic and Tails, who seemed to always be on the same wavelength, even when they had the rare disagreement.

Ze didn’t think that everyone had a perfect match.  Ze’d never known anyone quite like Rouge, even if some of her traits reminded zem of Shadow’s sister quite frequently.  Kind, intelligent, and resourceful.  Fundamentally, though, Maria was selfless.  Ze couldn’t say the same for Rouge.  She had her moments, but she would always put herself and her team before anyone else.

Still, the existence of duos like Sonic and Tails, Shadow and Maria, were evidence enough for Andi.

“Fate had it so that you two would meet.  That’s wonderful.”  Ze concluded.

“Tsk.”  Sonic clicked his tongue dismissively.  “I don’t believe in fate.”  He leaned back and lounged on the branch again.  “We met by chance, sure, but we chose each other.  The universe, or whatever, had nothing to do with it.”

Andi fell quiet.  Ze… didn’t like that answer.  It didn’t sit right.

“I… disagree.”

Sonic looked down at zem again, this time with wide eyes and a confused, open mouth.  

“Everything has a reason, right?  Trace those reasons back far enough, and, well…  It all has to go back to something.  An order.  Some invisible law of the universe.  It might be far beyond our comprehension, but…”

There had to be reasons for everything.  How else would anything be?

Sonic jumped in during zir pause.  “That ‘order’ is Chaos.  And Chaos doesn’t do specific reasons.  The universe does its thing, and we do ours.  It affects us, we affect it.  Push and pull.”

“So, everything is coincidence?”

“No!”  He shook his head, somewhat baffled.  “We affect it, too.”  He repeated himself, then elaborated.  “Our choices matter.  They can be world-shaping.  The fact that you exist isn’t coincidence.  Saving the world over and over again- that isn’t coincidence.  But that’s not because of some unwritten, cosmic law.   It’s because people make choices, and those choices have consequences.”

“Some things are just too significant to be pure chance.”  Echoes of each other.  Twin flames.  As if it were a divinely crafted narrative- a solemn, poetic, agonizing narrative.

“Well, that’s a fallacy.”

Andi wasn’t used to hearing Sonic speak that way.  Ze knew there was more to him than he let on, but this level of philosophical discussion was not expected.

“Just because we, personally, give something a lot of weight and importance, doesn’t mean that the universe gave it any extra care.  Even if something changes our whole lives, I mean, shit, Andi, we’re tiny!”   He laughed, though it was almost bitter.  “Not to say that we don’t matter, but…  The universe doesn’t take sides.  That’s why it’s so important that we fight for what we think is right.”

Ze frowned, still troubled by the idea.  “You… make a good point, and explain your thoughts well, but I…”  Ze wasn’t swayed.

It couldn’t have all been empty, uncaring neutrality.  There was an unyielding cruelty, somewhere, and it must have been responsible for all of zir suffering.  For Shadow’s, and Maria’s, and everyone else’s.  Every scrap of joy, every shred of justice that they wrenched into existence was triumph over such cruelty.  That was why it was so important that they fight.  Even in the face of an inevitable, unknowable end.

“Hey, you don’t have to agree with me,” his tone lightened.  “That’s just what I think, that’s all.  ‘M not trying to change your mind for you, or anything.”

"Mm."  Ze nodded, still feeling deeply thoughtful.

"You should talk to Amy.  I think you guys have a pretty similar take on that."  Sonic laughed.  "Hers is a bit more mystical, though."

"...You want me to pursue an idea that you think is incorrect?"

"I want you to develop your own ideas.  I don't care if you agree with me or not, as long as you come to that conclusion yourself."

Now that was a foreign concept.

"I feel like everyone is always trying to change my mind.  Especially during the invasion…"

Sonic sucked in air through his teeth.  "Yeah.  I coulda handled that better.  I was just… really scared for you, man.  I didn't want you being misled."

"I understand.  It's not like there was much time to sit down and discuss it.  I… appreciate the fact that you cared at all.  I was very vulnerable, then."

Sonic chuckled above zem.  "I can't imagine a world where I don't care about you, Andi."

Zir face felt warm.  Unbearably so.

"Likewise."

The branches above zir head creaked, and Sonic dropped from them, landing squarely on his feet.  He settled against the trunk, right beside zem.

They were touching.

"How's your arm doin'?"  He spoke a bit quieter.  Softer.  Andi wondered if he even noticed.

"It's improving.  Slowly."  Ze clenched zir hand, showing off zir rediscovered grip strength.  "The worst part is my reaction time, now."

"Doesn't hurt, does it?"

"No."  Ze smiled.  "It's brand new- better than the rest of me, technically."

"I think all of you is pretty great already."  He looked at zem wistfully.

Andi blushed, but didn't shy away.  No, it was Sonic who covered his face and muttered.

"I'm sorry, I need to stop."

"It's… alright."

"...Are you… Are you sure?  I don't wanna influence your whole… identity-journey thing…"

"Being with you helps, actually…"  Ze fiddled with zir inherited inhibitor rings- which, for some reason, zir body did require.  Cruel universe, and all that.  "I feel more like myself when I'm with you.  I don't really know what 'myself' is like, yet, but I feel safer to let everything go with you."

Sonic absolutely lit up, then threw his arms around Andi.  His hug didn't last very long, which disappointed zem.

Hm.  Ze liked hugs?  That was new.

"So… you want to hang out more, then?"

Ze held his hand.

"I… think we could just cut to the chase."

Sonic's grip tightened.  "Okay."

This time, Andi went in to hug Sonic.  He was warm, soft, and real in a different way to zemself.  Ze was secure in their touch.

"I love you, Sonic."  Ze finally, finally said.  It was hushed, whispered into the fur on the side of his face, and it was the loudest zir 'soul' had ever screamed.

Soul?  God, that was a question for another day.

Sonic gasped, his hands simply laying flat on zir back for a few long, quiet moments.  

"I- uh.  Yeah."  He managed to speak, reciprocating the contact.  "...You, too."

Ze was amused by the usually confident hero's embarrassed verbal stumbling.  Ze knew that 'I love you' was a very… strong phrase, one that Sonic was unused to using in any context outside of platonic and familial relationships.  But 'I love you' was the only way to sum up all that ze felt.

Ze was done depriving zemself of the joy and love that everyone had been trying to give zem.