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Zhongli’s cock is humongous.
It sits proudly on the lap of the consultant, its erect and dignified stature proving the testaments of many who had chanced upon the man’s gorgeous cock. Testaments that, up until the Traveler finally managed to see it for themselves, seemed too good to be actually true contrary to what the rest of Teyvat actually believe.
Yet the stories of the consultant’s cock spread so far and wide it even reached the Traveler’s ears during his stay in Inazuma. The bearer of its tales unfortunately wasn’t able to finish narrating his first-hand experiences of its beauty, too sick and tired from the journey that anything else that came from his mouth would be more than enough for him to pass out from exhaustion.
But it definitely piqued Traveler’s curiosity, even if it was by a bit. It wasn’t everyday that they had been able to hear any tales of the archons that weren’t of historical-worthy praise and godliness. (Even if in actuality, they were talking about Zhongli, the consultant of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor and not Zhongli , the former Geo Archon.)
And what better way to validate the claims than go to the source of the story itself? At least that’s what Paimon had refused to do even if she were at her dying breath. Unfortunately for Paimon, the Traveler had been led astray for years with little to no help in tracking their missing sibling. Might as well fuck around for a bit and indulge in the human dirt of Teyvat, right?
So after three days and three nights of nothing but the sea and the sky, they managed to land safely onto the docks of Liyue Harbor where they were greeted, of course, by yet another tale of Zhongli’s cock.
The first tale they encountered, shared amongst fish vendors alike, goes something like this:
Cock fights are a normal occurrence in the dirt roads of rural Liyue. What originally started as informal ritual gatherings for holidays turned into weekly night events alongside the drinking and merrymaking. To some, it’s entertainment. To others, the fragile promise of mora is the very lifeline that keeps them on their toes every single night. They were similar to onikabuto fights back in Inazuma, except taken more seriously especially by grown men alike.
The seven-year champion of Liyuean cock fighting, a prideful man by the name of Haoran, would soon be put to shame upon confrontation of a man clad in brown. The candle hadn’t even begun to melt when, already, Haoran’s legendary cock was on the floor, passed out and hanging for its life in between his legs. The cock that bested his precious pet was none other than Zhongli’s own. News soon began to spread of the greatness of Zhongli’s cock. To this day, not one person in the whole of Teyvat has bested the power of his pet.
And of course the likes of Liu Su would find a way to liken the greatness of an ordinary man’s cock with that of the gods and adepti. Because there was no logical way for Zhongli’s cock to be that great, right?
Historical records have it that the cock Zhongli had adopted was no ordinary beast. Some scholars have recalled yet another lost tale of the relations between both the Geo and Anemo archons. According to them, the Anemo Archon once gifted Rex Lapis a pair of chickens, a custom often associated with wedding traditions as far as Liyue customs are concerned. However, what was thrusted into Morax’s arms were not the traditional cock and hen pair as seen in weddings. Rather, what the Anemo Archon had given him were two healthy cocks. Furthermore, what the Anemo Archon had given Morax however was no ordinary pair of chickens. These chickens were imbued with mysterious life-prolonging powers, probably to assert the promise of an eternal friendship between both gods.
(“That’s baloney!” Paimon cried out after the show was over. “Didn’t they say a while ago that gifting a pair of chickens is a marriage tradition ?! What part of that story was more platonic than romantic?!”)
And so what arrived at the doorstep of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor that day was likely a half of the pair, tragically separated and never to meet again. How else could it explain the prowess it holds in every single cock fight as of recent?
Just as the Traveler was about to make up their mind of meeting with Zhongli the following day, they suddenly bumped into a particular unsuspecting bard who, in his hands, held what appeared to be a cock.
“Ah, Traveler! Just in time!” The bard in question, whose cock rested quietly in his arms, motioned the Traveler to follow him to the next block, where Wangsheng Funeral Parlor is. “I wasn’t supposed to stop by the harbor so soon. Buuuut I found this long lost cock just around Wangshu Inn, yeah? Thought I could return it back to its long lost owner.”
And then it hit Traveler. Of course, Venti is the Anemo Archon! If there was anybody who could clarify the rumors with them, it’s none other than Venti himself.
Before the Traveler could even utter a word, Venti opened the (surprisingly unlocked) door of the parlor, where they were both greeted by Zhongli, whose legendary and all-powerful cock sits high and mighty on his lap.
“Greetings, Traveler,” He greets them and Paimon with a smile. “To what do I owe the pleasure, Venti?” He glances at the smaller man with a smile much warmer and wider than the Traveler has ever seen before.
Venti raises the cock in his arms. “Seems like I’ve finally found our lost half after all these years. Perfectly fitting and poetic for us, if I may say,”
The cock on Venti’s arms jumps out of his grasp. The cock on Zhongli’s lap follows soon after and the pair are left under the lamp of the parlor with nothing but each other to ruffle their feathers.
“It is indeed,” Zhongli comments as he makes his way towards Venti. “A pair fatefully separated by the remains of a devastating war, supposedly never to cross paths again,” He then places his hands onto Venti’s waist, faces inching closer until the tips of their noses touch. “But perhaps, in their new lives where the age of war and sorrow has long withered out of human civilization, they may finally fulfill the promises they have yet to do so. Do you not agree, my dear?”
“Couldn’t have said it any better, my love,” And just as the pair of cocks have found each other’s warmth in their slumber, the seemingly human pair on the other side of the room draw their lips together, melting in each other’s touches as the world (and Traveler and Paimon as things stand right now) dissipates from their senses.
Having accomplished their apparent mission, the Traveler and Paimon leave Wangsheng quietly and set on a journey back to Inazuma where they promise to never ever speak of their troubling cock-filled tales in Liyue.