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Nick tapped the screen of his phone, the slowly fading screen popping back to life. There were about twelve notifications from various messaging sites and games, including a message from his mum about the grocery list she left at home. She needed him to go take a picture of it before she forgets anything.
Harry was pestering him with an apology that he really didn’t care about, two other rugby boys were calling him a plethora of names for acting as he was, a group chat with Otis, Simon, and Christian was booming with new messages as well as the one with Charlie, Darcy, and Tara—
But none of them were what he was looking at.
Or… for? Both, kinda.
He tapped the screen again, staring at the clock as it inched closer to 14:30 (2:30pm), watching for any texts from Charlie in case he couldn’t come or needed help or really just… anything.
Honestly, he couldn’t tell whether he wanted Charlie to come over or not.
Don’t get him wrong, he always wants to see his boyfriend. Seeing his boyfriend was always the highlight of his day. But it was what Nick was planning to do- no, was going to do when he gets here that made Nick nervous and apprehensive.
It’s not like he thought Charlie would react badly. Hell, he’s friends with Elle and, from what he could tell, doesn’t treat her any differently than from before she came out as trans.
But it’s different when it’s you're partner, isn’t it? I mean, that’s the person you’re dating, romancing, planning to spend your entire life with. It’s only natural to be open to reasons to leave them if they do or… Are something that you don’t particularly like or can’t see yourself being with.
Not that Charlie is like that at all. But it’s still…
It’s not something Nick is particularly adept with.
He didn’t really have to come out to anyone other than his parents and absolute prick of a brother. And they already had their suspicions when he refused to wear anything girly and chopped all his hair off in a midnight breakdown before the age 11.
The school didn’t really care either. When he came over from Higgs at the start of one of his years, no one knew about it. They just thought he was a new kid from wherever and fit in relatively well.
He does avoid going to Higgs at nearly all costs, though.
The point is, the concept of coming out is fairly new. Very foreign. His brother he could just cut out. His mom he knew would do her best to adjust (and was doing fucking amazingly at). He could cut out friends from his life and only interact with them during rugby, change sports even if that became impossible.
But this is Charlie.
Logically, Nick knows that Charlie won’t react badly. That he’ll probably not look at him any differently, probably love him just as much as he did before, probably tell him he loves him and make sure he’s okay before going on with his day like normal.
But that was way too many ‘probably’s for his comfort.
If Charlie reacts badly or breaks up with him, he honestly might—
His phone pinged with a new message. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, using the button to turn the phone on.
cfspring: be there in 2 minutes
His heart sunk and leaped all at once. He felt like he was going to throw up but wanted nothing more than to go down to the living room and wait at the door to see his boyfriend’s curly hair bouncing with every step, dimples making shadows in the midday sun upon making it to the doorstep of Nick's house.
Nellie whined, her patience dumping to zero when her head became the target of his bouncing knee. He couldn’t help but smile at her, an apology put into the kiss he placed between her eyes.
“Alright, fine. I'm coming.” Nellie’s ears immediately perked up, her body following suit. “Charlie’ll be here soon.” And that was all she needed to trot out of his room and through the halls to wait in the living room. He doesn’t know how patient she’ll be, but she’ll do her damndest.
As he got up to follow the excitable dog, he tried once more to plan out how exactly he was going to tell Charlie.
He had been mulling over how to do this for at least a month, the time finally feeling right to let Charlie know this piece of him. After everything they’ve been through together, the support system they developed between each other, it almost felt like he owed it to Charlie.
Not that this is something that anyone should be obligated to know or that coming out is something he actually does owe to people. This was Nick’s thing to tell as often as he pleased to whomever he chose. But seeing just how strong Charlie is, how he’s bouncing back from the lowest point he’s seen (and worse from what he's heard from Tori), the strength it took- is taking Charlie to admit to such a big part of himself?
Nick wants that strength too, no matter how different the context is. He wants to be able to look Charlie in the eye and know that they both know each other.
He had done countless hours of research into various transperson’s blogs, looking for their coming out stories to see if he could use one as a blueprint or maybe a guideline for himself. He listened to hours of youtube videos and read dozens of articles. But they all said relatively the same thing.
There was no one way to do it. You just had to go with your gut and make sure you prioritized your own safety, and above all, trust your partner that they will accept you for who you are and not who they want you to be.
The plan, then, was to invite Charlie over for movies, watch some, eat some popcorn, maybe play some games in Nick’s room, and after all that was settled and he was confident the day was good, he’d tell Charlie.
But now that it came to actually doing it, he was scared shitless. But there was an even greater buzzing in his bones that was excited to get this done and tell Charlie.
A knocking came to the door, and every shred of confidence he gained in the last two minutes almost disappeared.
Almost.
He rushed down the stairs, the rapid tapping of his feet exciting Nellie even more. She was at the door, trying impossibly to stick her nose in the crack between the door and the frame.
“C’mon, Nell, back up.” He said through a chuckle. She obliged immediately as he opened the door, wagging her tail dangerously fast whilst standing next to him, staring at the boy before them.
Charlie was dressed in his usual attire. Black ripped skinny jeans with a white shirt underneath a colorful flannel with white converse. His hair was long and thick, curlier than ever, and his dimples! God, his dimples. Little divots in his cheeks completely on display as he showed his teeth in an achingly sweet smile, his cocoa eyes squinted beneath the force of his cheeks.
He wanted to grab him by the open collar of his shirt and kiss him till they both couldn’t breathe. And usually, he would give in, but…
“Hi.” It was almost shy, the way Charlie always greeted him. His fingers fiddled with the bottom of his shirt.
“Hi.” Nick parroted, moving to the side to allow Charlie inside.
“I’m sorry I'm a little late. Oliver insisted I play one more round of Mario Kart before I leave and I couldn’t say no.”
Nick chuckled. “Of course not. I don’t know how anyone could say no to him.”
He was keenly aware of just how dry he was about to get, anxiety eating at his bones and making his heart and stomach ache in the most annoying way. It was like if he said more than a few words at a time he would spill everything or let Charlie in on how nervous he was for, what he perceived to be, no reason at all. As if, if he said one word Charlie would immediately be able to tell exactly what Nick was about to say.
Nick shut the door, watching Charlie toe his shoes off as he passed him and into the living room. Nellie, the little worm she was, weaved underneath Charlie and around him, nearly knocking Nick over when she passed between his legs and hopped onto the couch.
A bowl of popcorn was on the coffee table, the entirety of the Pirates of the Caribbean series laid out before them. He knew they probably wouldn’t get through all of them in one sitting, but time was funny sometimes. Maybe they would and pass out for thirteen hours. Maybe they would only get through half of the first movie before they became bored and did something else. You never know, and it was safe to be prepared.
Though, maybe he could have put them in a more convenient location other than in a toppling risk off the corner of the table.
He reached over and grabbed them, sticking them near the DVD player. He could hear Charlie move through the house, a cup hitting the counter and the faucet turning on. The squeak of that one floorboard and the couch rustling. Nellie’s collar tags clinking together and Charlie’s giggling.
It was a little reeling. It sounded like a home. His mind flashed forward years into the future, his heart aching in a completely new way. It was painfully domestic and he wanted more than moments that felt like this.
Nick wanted entire days of being lazy and chilling on the couch with Charlie, a dog pressed between them eagerly stealing attention and affection that Nick was more than ready to give it. He wanted to go to work and come home to Charlie, a kiss being given each way, and do the same to Charlie with no questions asked.
He wanted to wake up every day with Charlie wrapped up in his arms and Charlie’s legs tangled in his, curly hair tickling beneath his nose or under his chin. He wanted to go to sleep on opposite sides of the bed, only to gravitate toward each other without even thinking in the middle of the night.
He wanted that and every moment in between. He would take fighting and arguments and disagreements and petty quarrels and anything else if it means that he could spend every other moment loving and being loved by Charlie Spring.
Nick wanted. What if he can't have it?
“Nick?”
Nick startled out of his trance, foot hurting a little from its crouched and bent position.
He turned. “Yeah?”
“You were just crouching there. I called your name a few times but you didn’t answer.” Charlie’s hands retreated into their sleeves, fingers playing with the edges of the cuffs. He wanted to ask something.
“Yeah, I'm… I'm fine. Just got lost.” He took the first movie out of the case, slid it into the DVD player, and sat down next to Charlie, ready to begin the marathon.
----------------------------
Turns out, neither of the things he thought would happen, happened. It was sort of an in-between, actually.
They got through the first two movies before they got burnt out, the gay and bi panic happening between the both of them sending them into fits of laughter with playful jabs at the other.
The silence that followed was comfortable. They both watched the movie menu as it played various little scenes from the movie, the background music playing a thrilling tune that sent small sparks in his fingers, encouraging him to tap to the tune or get up and yell.
He wanted to yell. He wanted to yell at the top of his lungs for no reason at all and for every reason ever. He wanted to be heard.
Charlie would hear him.
Nick turned toward Charlie, that same fidgety energy flowing through him as the day he tried to hold Charlie’s hand for the first time on the couch. It had turned mostly to night, the sun setting in the background of the midsummer sky. It turned the street and everything around it orange. The color leaked into the room, hitting the floor and bouncing onto everything else.
It hit the back of Charlie’s head, giving him a golden glow.
“Charlie.” He said, small. If Charlie heard him, he would tell him. If he didn’t, he would tell him a different day.
“Yeah?” Fuck. In an instant, he was facing Nick, eager to hear everything he had to say. Everything he said was important to Charlie.
Nick rubbed his palms on his knees, getting the sticky clammy, and itchy sweat off his hands. The spit in his mouth felt thick and uncomfortable, he swallowed it and felt it travel all the way down to his stomach. His mouth was too dry now.
“I um…” Nick paused. “I wanted to tell you something.”
Charlie’s eyebrows knit together, body turning more to face him. “Okay.” His voice was soft and encouraging, everything he loved.
“It’s- It’s kinda big. I just- It’s a big deal to me but I don’t… I don’t want…” There was no way to prepare Charlie for what he was going to say without alluding to what he was going to say.
“It’s okay.” He reached out and took Nick’s hand in his own. “Take your time.”
And it’s like- it’s like Nick has never seen Charlie before. Like he’s falling in love all over again. Every time he blinks he thinks he’s going to be back where he was a few minutes ago, trying to start the conversation in his head rather than in words. But when he does he’s still here, still staring into Charlie’s patient and waiting eyes and suddenly he’s just so, so sure that he’s doing this right.
“I’m um… I’m trans.” He pauses for a second, gauging Charlie’s reaction. “F-Female to Male.” He watched as something akin to surprise overtook Charlie’s features, the grip on his hand loosening for a fraction before gripping just a little bit stronger. “And I just… I just wanted you to know.”
The confidence he had at the beginning of the confession had wavered the longer he went on. Tears pooled on his bottom lashes as they began to fall, but he couldn’t bring himself to reach up and wipe them away; he couldn’t bring himself to look away from Charlie.
And Charlie. Charlie just smiled.
“Thank you for telling me.” He inched forward and reached out, wiping a tear from his cheek. “I love you.”
A month’s worth of fear tore open from his chest, bleeding out of him as relief took it’s place. His lip quivered and he could hardly stop the sob that erupted from his throat when Charlie pulled him forward and into his arms.
He was a fool for thinking that Charlie would do anything other than accept him.
“It’s okay. I’m so proud of you, Nick.” He whispered sweet nothings into his ear, a hand gently rubbing his back in slow up and down motions. Each time they made their rep he sobbed again.
It felt… so fucking good to finally be out to him. To not feel like he had to hide this part of himself. And to be accepted completely for who he was.
He sniffled. “I love you.” His throat was sore and his cheeks felt sticky. There was a deep-rooted exhaustion in him that begged him to slump right down to the ground and sleep for the next forty-eight hours. But still, he felt better.
Charlie placed a kiss on the meat of his shoulder where his chin once sat. “I love you too.”
He pulled apart from him, wiping his nose on a tissue Charlie immediately leaned to retrieve. He was still as he held it to his nose, a hand reaching out to comb over the hair on Nellie’s head. He doesn’t know when she got there, but he wasn’t going to question it.
“You know I don’t think of you any differently, right?” Charlie asked. But it wasn’t at all accusing. It was assuring. A reminder.
He wiped his nose again. “You sure?”
A small chuckle escaped his throat, but he was quick to school it and his expression. “I'm sure.”
Nick threw the dirty tissue to the coffee table, taking Charlie’s hand into his own.
There was so much more he wanted to say. A lot he wanted to talk about. There was probably a few things they both should be discussing when it came to a lot of things, what he needed from Charlie and what Charlie may need from him, boundaries, a question or two or ten.
But instead he leaned forward, connecting his lips to Charlie’s. It was slow and sweet, and he tried to pour every ounce of love and thanks into it. And just in case that wasn’t enough, when he broke apart he pressed his forehead to his, and muttered a small but unmistakable “thank you”.
Nick opened his eyes in time to see Charlie’s kiss-pink lips smile.
“Anytime.”