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“Doctor, I’m - slightly baffled.”
“I didn’t think these plots were that difficult to follow.”
“It’s not the plot. What did that little exchange mean? ‘Tonight, if you asked me, I don’t think I could say no?’ If he asked her what ?”
“Come on, Garak. Playing naïve doesn’t suit you.”
“Well, that’s just bad writing.”
“It’s a mystery-of-the-week television show from the nineteen-eighties, Garak. I did warn you to temper your expectations. Refill?”
“Thank you. No, my issue is rather more specific. Why does every episode end with the making outrageous sexual innuendos to each other and then walking off arm-in-arm? I thought it was implied they were sleeping together, and now they’re both acting as if they aren’t. And what’s worse, they’ve started inventing some reason to kiss in every episode, on top of it all.”
“Look, I didn’t say it made sense. But they wanted to keep things interesting, I think. I’ll be back in a tic.”
“I just think it’s quite obvious the writers didn’t know what they were doing! They wanted everyone to believe they were sleeping together until they realized it was somehow more intriguing if they hadn’t!”
“I can’t hear you.”
“I said , it was -”
“Garak, can this wait?”
“If you insist.”
“You know, I used to think you’d never trust me. Now I think you’re starting to become a little too comfortable.”
“Ridiculous. I was saying, I think the writers -”
“I heard you, okay? I just didn’t want to discuss it with my - never mind. Yes. Fine, I agree, the writers changed horses in midstream on that one. It’s annoying. But that was common in television at the time. ‘Will they, won’t they’ was considered the height of romantic intrigue.”
“That is…patently absurd.”
“Well, it’s not without precedent. There was this other show - a lot more popular, called ‘Moonlighting.’ Once they had the characters hook up, the ratings plummeted. People just didn’t care anymore. I think that informed a lot of decisions that were made in the writer’s room for similar shows.”
“I still think it’s absurd.”
“Do you?”
“Well, yes!”
“Maybe things are different off-screen.”
“I don’t see why they would be.”
“Well, I don’t either. But it’s a theory, at least.”
“I’m intrigued by this theory, Doctor. Go on.”
“Maybe when they’re finally alone together, without all the excitement and intrigue of whatever’s driving the plot, the excitement fizzles out.”
“No, I don’t think that’s it.”
“You don’t? Well, then maybe one of them gets cold feet.”
“Which one of them?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Garak. Which one do you think?”
“Ms. Holt, I believe. That is what that bit of dialogue implied.”
“Well, I thought we agreed the writers weren’t to be trusted.”
“So you think it’s Mr. Steele?”
“He is a conman, and a liar, fundamentally. He’s pretending to be someone he’s not. He’s using Laura to suit his own ends.”
“That’s a bit rich. She could turn him into the authorities the moment she gets tired of him. He’s admitted to stealing priceless art! Very foolish of him, if you ask me.”
“You’re right, it would be much better if he pretended to be a plain, simple actor playing his role.”
“Ah, now there’s a clever thought! There may be hope for you yet, Doctor.”
“You know what, I didn’t think about it much when I watched this show as a kid. You’re right - the more I think about it, the more absurd it seems. They can’t keep playing these games forever. A person could run mad.”
“I’m glad you seem to have learned something tonight.”
“I don’t know if I’d call the innuendos outrageous. I mean, outrageous would be…”
“If he, for instance, offered her some Yigrish cream pie?”
“I’m sorry ?”
“Well, it would be.”
“I hesitate to ask how you learned about that.”
“I ran across a few teenagers snickering over the replimat menu and it made me curious. A quick search in the Federation database cleared it up.”
“A ‘quick search,’ eh?”
“ Yes , Doctor.”
“I really was just offering you some dessert. That’s all.”
“I’m sure you were.”
“And what about ‘take that rod and eat it?’ Where does that rank on our scale of outrageousness?”
“That was a joke .”
“Was it?”
“Yes. I defer to your medical expertise, of course, but I don’t think it would be wise to eat a data rod.”
“ Garak .”
“Doctor?”
“Stop. Hedging.”
“I’m not…”
“And stop talking about them . Why do you always do this? I can’t seem to pin you down. You keep dodging and running me around in circles. And tomorrow in the replimat it’s going to be ‘oh, you have such a gnawing hunger that seems to be ever unsatisfied, Doctor,’ this and ‘a bit of enjoyable company’ that. Why? What are you trying to prove?”
“Trying to prove ? Doctor…”
“It’s like you’re trying to provoke me.”
“Doctor, please.”
“ Are you trying to provoke me? I think you are. The question is, provoke me into doing what ? You’re one of my dearest friends, Garak. If I make the wrong call, I risk losing you.”
“No. You don’t.”
“You sound very sure of yourself.”
“I feel I’ve made my intentions clear, Julian.”
“Is this it? Is this the moment I’m supposed to throw caution to the winds?”
“Oh, I don’t know! You Federation types can never seem to make a decision without consulting a committee, maybe you should - mmmpph .”
“....”
“....”
“Elim…”
“Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?”
“I’m on your lap. What do you think?”
“Preliminary investigations are promising.”
“Come on. Bed. Now.”
“Just like that, Doctor?”
“Just like that. Unless you want to watch another godforsaken episode of two idiots somehow repeatedly failing to - oof .”
“Fall into bed together?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“I’m glad you find this so amusing.”
“You started laughing first. I think I’m just relieved. This has been hanging over my head since the day we met. I never knew what would happen if I just…”
“Well, Julian - now you know.”
“I wish…”
“Don’t. We’re here now.”
“You’re right. We are. If this is another dream…”
“Do you dream about this often?”
“What do you think, Garak?”
“I think you should take your clothes off.”
“Suddenly you’re in such a hurry!”
“Fine, I’ll do it for you.”
“Oh, if you insist .”
(Some Time Later)
“Julian?”
“Mmm?”
“I wouldn’t be opposed to watching a few more episodes.”
“See? I told you it was addictive!”
“You don’t have to rub it in.”
“Oh, I think I do…”
“That’s not rubbing. That’s licking.”
“Thanks for the information. Now, do you want to watch more, or do you want to find out what else I can do with my tongue?”
“We could do both.”
“Absolutely not. I’m not having you think about Pierce Brosnan while you’re with me.”
“I think you’ll find you can’t stop me.”
“Oooh, that’s it. Come here , you - absolutely infuriating -”
“You can think about whoever you like, for the record.”
“Why would I want to? I’m with the mysterious enemy spy of my dreams.”
“You have such a fanciful imagination, my dear Julian.”
“Mmm, maybe I do. But I’m right about some things.”
“There may be… oh …there may be hope for you yet, Doctor.”