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Lloyd’s day had been fairly normal, and rather boring. Wake up at 6:30, eat a quick breakfast, train for an hour, and patrol Ninjago City until Zane called him home for a late lunch. The patrol had gone smoothly, and he couldn’t decide if that was good or bad; good because no crime was happening, and bad because he couldn’t see the crime happening. The thought that he just wasn’t looking hard enough made a knot of guilt form in his stomach. He was the Green Ninja, prophesied to be the greatest and sole defender of basically everything. He would know if crime was going on, right? Although…he didn’t know Harumi was evil until it was right in front of his face. And he should’ve known his dad was going to be more evil than ever when he was resurrected, with no memory of who he was or that they were even related. And then there was-
“Lloyd, you look troubled.” Zane calmly stated while wiping down the counters of the monastery kitchen. Lloyd looked up from the half sandwich on his plate, the other half in his hand on its way to his mouth. “Is something wrong?” His teammate asked, now wiping his metallic hands clean on his soft pink apron. He looked concerned.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m- I’m fine, Zane. Thanks.” Lloyd quickly answers, going back to his sandwich to avoid talking. Zane wasn’t convinced, and leaned on the counter with his elbows.
“Lloyd, you can talk to me. You can talk to any of us, you know that, right?” Zane said, in a tone that feels painfully familiar. It’s the tone that he uses whenever he’s worried enough that it reaches his bright artificial eyes, that feel eerily life-like if you look too long. Lloyd’s chewing slows, and he stares at the counter with deep thought. He should tell him, he knows that. He’s even been scolded by the others by keeping himself bottled up. But Zane’s heard enough of his problems already.
“I know Zane, I’m fine. Really, thank you.” The green ninja answers after he swallows, quicker than he expected and in a defensive tone that he immediately regrets. Zane nods slowly, and goes back to cleaning the kitchen, leaving Lloyd to finish chewing his sandwich in silence. He finishes it even though he’s not hungry anymore.
Lloyd’s not sure when he ended up in the bathroom. But his face feels cold, as if he's hastily washed it. He’s looking at the empty sink holding onto the wooden counter around it, a few specks of water casting tiny shadows on the white porcelain bowl. Some protector, huh?
“Some protector, huh?” A voice repeats, and Lloyd freezes. He grips the wood tightly, and he feels energy tingle uncomfortably under the skin in his fingers. That voice is not real, and he knows it. He knows it’s not real because the speaker died. Master Wu watched him die. He’s in the Cursed Realm. He’s not here and the voice isn’t real-
“Lloyd, do you really think I’m not powerful enough to come back?” The voice taunts in a much too familiar way, “We know each other from the inside out. You know that. And you know that I can come back whenever I want.”
“Shut up, Morro. You’re gone.” Lloyd forces himself to speak through gritted teeth, feeling the back of his neck start to sweat. His chest is starting to feel tight, and the boy has to count to 3 with each unsteady breath, an exercise Kai taught him.
“Am I, Lloyd? Am I gone? I sound pretty real to you, judging by the way you’re acting like a baby over just a voice.” Lloyd shuts his eyes and continues counting and breathing, his chest starting to hurt. His head is starting to hurt too, and Lloyd wants nothing more than to split it open to relieve the pressure.
“You’re not real.” The boy says, fighting back tears. His legs are starting to shake, and he grips the counter harder for balance. He’s not real, it’s just his head. Morro’s not actually here.
“Look in the mirror, oh great green ninja. See for yourself.” The voice taunts again, and Lloyd wants nothing more than to do the exact opposite. So he’s not sure why he slowly looked up, shaking harder than he should’ve been. And his chest tightens more, his breathing stops, and the bathroom is suddenly dead quiet.
Morro’s ghostly green glow shines in the shower tiles, his skin a deathly pale and his hair matted and dirty. The smirk he’s wearing is fucking awful, because he knows Lloyd is terrified. He knows the exact ways to make Lloyd crumble into nothing, because he spent days inside his body and mind. Lloyd had never felt so trapped in his own form, that week that felt like an eternity. An eternity hat he had spent being puppeted like a doll by him. He had never felt more hollow, more cold, more fake. And his captor was standing right there, in the shower, his arms crossed confidently and his dead eyes full of pointed malice.
“Boo.” The ghost says.
Lloyd tries to breathe again, desperately counting in the mind that he’s not sure is still his. He feels nauseous, his open mouth salivating and drooling down his dry lips and quivering chin. He’s shivering now, but he’s also baking in the open zip-up hoodie and t-shirt he changed into when he got home. He can’t stop looking at the ghost in the mirror, the tears pooling in his eyes now turning the form in a muted green and black glowing mass.
“No response? Wow, rude.” The blurry form says bluntly, now coming closer, much too close. Lloyd swears he can feel the cold of the ghost against his back, the cold he felt when Cole became a ghost. He needed Cole, he needed someone, anyone but this fucking awful shell of a person.
“I saw your dad in the Cursed Realm, by the way.” Morro announces with fake affection. As Lloyd tries to blink away the tears, the sneer the ghost is wearing becomes truly evil.
“Don’t talk about my father.” Lloyd tries to sound firm, but his shaky voice only comes out as a whimper through his tight throat. He feels like a child, this shouldn’t have such an effect on him. But it does, and Morro can tell.
“Aw, you miss your daddy?” The ghost teases further, his tone of voice too sweet to be genuine as he leans closer to Lloyd’s face. “You want your daddy to come and save you from the monster in the shower?”
“Shut up, Morro.” Lloyd says again, his breathing approaching hyperventilation as he stares at the empty sink again. His hold on the wood is becoming painful now, and his palms are itching with his elemental power. Large tears are running down his cheeks in a river, and he can’t bring himself to wipe them away because he can’t move. He’s too hot in this stupid hoodie, and the sunlight coming through the window is too bright and the bathroom is closing in on him and Morro isn’t really here and he knows that-
“Your daddy isn’t coming back, and it’s not because he can’t.” Morro continues, his voice becoming sinister and threatening. Lloyd so desperately wants to break the mirror or punch the hallucination of Morro, but he can’t move. His nausea is getting worse and so is his headache, and the tears aren’t stopping. He just wants it to stop, he wants everything to stop so so badly but it won’t.
“You wanna know why your precious daddy isn’t coming back, green ninja?” Lloyd internally begs him to stop, he doesn’t need to hear it because he probably already knows. Lloyd doesn’t want to know if he’s right. He just wants Morro to go away or for someone to come help or for it to just end already please why won’t it just end-
“He’s not coming back because he hates you. He can’t stand the sight of you, because you’re nothing but a disappointment to him. Your daddy despises everything you are, Lloyd. And you know that." Morro whispers in his ear, cold venom practically spitting onto the side of his pounding head.
Lloyd finally chokes out a sob, and it doesn’t relieve the tension in his throat like he hoped it would. His chest aches now, and it’s becoming harder to breathe every second. His knees are shaking uncontrollably now, and so are his arms. He can’t tell if it’s because he’s gripping the counter so hard or if it’s because he’s shivering so severely. In spite of his hold, Lloyd collapses to his knees with a hard thud, his hands somehow loosening enough to hold on to the front of the counter.
“Is this really all it takes to reduce the powerful Green Ninja to a sniveling baby?” Morro continues to mock, his voice sounding above the sobbing form. Lloyd’s not sure if he’s happy he can no longer see the reflection, but he can still hear Morro. He hates this, he hates Morro and he hates how he’s right. This really is all it takes, huh? Just some teasing from a hallucination. Why can’t he just get a grip? Why can’t he grow up and stand his ground like his older brothers and sisters? Lloyd curls in on himself, his hands covering his ears and his wet eyes screwing tightly shut to block out everything. He can only falsely hope that it helps, hiding from a fake monster. He’s praying for it to just stop, for his mind to go back to the way it was this morning when he’d first woken up. He’s regretting waking up at all. Maybe if he hadn’t woken up this morning, maybe if he had done better on the patrol, or maybe if he’d finally gotten the courage to fucking end it like he’d been thinking about this whole week -
Something warm is placed on his back. Lloyd almost doesn’t realize it’s there, but it starts rubbing slow, large circles on his curled form. He can’t stop crying, or even move, so Lloyd just slowly turns his head to where the warmth is coming from. His big brother is next to him on his knees, his hand on his back. His eyes are staring at him with worry, but it’s not the same kind of worry Zane had. Lloyd doesn’t care if it is, because Kai is here. He wonders if he heard him wailing like a coward.
“Hey buddy.” Kai whispers, his voice steady and firm. Lloyd lets out another tight sob, but he doesn’t look away. Because he’s afraid Kai will disappear if he does. “I’m not going anywhere, Lloyd. I’m staying right here until you’re ready to talk.” He says, like it’s the most important thing in the world. Kai slowly shifts himself to sit cross legged, and he continues to rub warm circles into his younger brother’s back. Lloyd finally, finally lets himself cry, the unbearable tightness in his chest and throat loosening with each ugly and heavy wail. Kai doesn’t say anything as he cries.
The green ninja’s sobs slowly turn into sniffles with coughs, his curled body now laying on the cold bathroom floor on his side, staring at his older brother with blurry eyes. Kai takes his hand from his back and takes Lloyd’s shaking hands into his own, the intentional warmth becoming grounding and soothing as he rubs the slightly scabbed knuckles.
“Can you hear me, Lloyd?” He asks gently. Lloyd nods, and Kai smiles. It’s the warm smile he uses whenever this happens. “Good, can you move?” Lloyd pauses, and tries to shift his body closer to his brother with success. “Ok, can you stand?” Lloyd is too drained to stand, and he shakes his head slowly with shame. “That’s ok, we can stay down here. Can I hold you?” Lloyd doesn’t give it a second thought and immediately tries to hold himself upright with newfound vigor, so his brother can properly hug him, becoming dizzy almost instantly when he sits up. Kai’s hold on his hands becomes tighter, but not uncomfortable.
“Woah there, tiger. Not too fast, alright?” Kai says, pulling him into his lap to hold him, Lloyd’s head on his shoulder and his side pressed against his chest. He doesn’t know, but as Lloyd looks into the shower, a deep relief wells inside him when he sees it’s empty. Kai goes back to rubbing circles into his younger brother’s back. “I’m gonna rub shapes into your back, and you’re gonna tell me what shape it is. Can you do that for me?”
“Yeah…I-I can.” Lloyd forces himself to speak, a harsh sniffle coming afterward. This technique is his favorite because the touch is so comforting, and he wonders if that's why Kai uses it so often. Kai rubs a shape, and Lloyd focuses on it for a minute in silence. “U-Uh, triangle?” He asks, unsure and afraid of the consequences if he’s wrong.
“Yes, good. Deep breaths, buddy.” Kai says, the smile in his voice evident. Lloyd does as he says, trying an uneven and slow inhale but an inhale nonetheless. The warm hand starts a different shape.
“Square.” Lloyd says, a steadier inhale. His voice isn’t as shaky, and the tears have stopped coming down his face.
“Good! You’re doing so well, bud! Keep breathing.” Kai instructs him again, still calm and warm as ever. They repeat this until Lloyd’s breathing is completely steady, and he’s stopped shivering. Kai doesn’t stop rubbing shapes once he’s calmed down, but he does press a kiss into the bright blonde head of hair.
“I’m so proud of you for doing that Lloyd.” Kai says into the hair, with genuine pride in his voice. Lloyd almost starts crying again from how happy he sounds with him. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asks gently, with no expectancy of any answer. Lloyd thinks for a minute, and answers.
“It was Morro.” The hand on his back doesn’t stop, but the body it belongs to stiffens. The other hand finds one of his own and rubs the knuckles again with love. His brother doesn’t say anything, letting Lloyd continue. “He…He said my dad doesn’t love me. And…he said…that’s why he’s not coming back, because I’m…because I’m a disappointment.” His throat tightens again at the recent memory, and he takes another deep breath.
“Oh Lloyd,” The other whispers, sympathy dripping from his voice as the hand on his back moves to his hair, petting it gently and slowly. They start rocking slowly, back and forth. “Your father loves you more than anything in this world. That’s why he sacrificed himself.”
“I…I know, but…” Another deep breath, “Morro…he sounded so sure and…he wouldn’t stop…” Another sob bubbles up, but it’s not as desperate this time, and it doesn’t hurt when Lloyd lets it come out. “I know that…it wasn’t real, but…it felt real and everything just kept…piling on I guess.” He slowly continued between hiccups. Kai let him speak and cry, rocking back and forth and petting his hair.
“Did you take your medication this morning, Lloyd?” Kai asks, with only concern and no perceptible anger. Lloyd feels guilt begin to form again inside him as he tries to remember and finds that he hadn’t taken his meds for about a week, having run out and forgotten to tell the others. That was when the suicidal thoughts started again…
“N-No, I’m sorry…I-I ran out and forgot to tell you.” Lloyd answers after a pause, another sniffle following after.
“It’s ok, buddy. We can go get your refills later today if you’re calm enough.” Kai replies, another kiss to the blonde mop of hair. It’s quiet again for the few minutes they stay like that, with Lloyd pressed into his older brother, who soon hands him a small cup of water. He takes slow sips because hiccups are the last thing he needs right now, he forgot how dehydrating crying was. The quick washes of wet relief to his sore throat make him sigh and close his eyes, relaxing against the warmth of the other’s body. It’s quiet once more.
“I’m sorry for being so needy.” Lloyd rasps, cringing at the aching pain of his abused throat. That’s what you get for being so loud. And weak, something inside him whispers.
“Lloyd, this isn’t being needy.” Kai says sternly, squeezing his brother in a side hug as best he can. “What Morro did to you is…words can’t do what he did justice in describing it. It was awful, anyone would suffer trauma from it. Don’t apologize for mental health.” He continues, his chin on Lloyd’s head as he resumes rocking back and forth. He hates that Lloyd had to grow up this way, thrown into that stupid green gi that didn’t fit him and a destiny that was similarly 3 sizes too big. He and the others all feel regret for participating in it one way or another, from the Tomorrow’s Tea to forcing him to train at age eleven. Age fucking eleven. Kai lets out a sigh, one that he doesn’t know is mournful or nostalgic.
A brief memory of his own childhood, or what should’ve been, comes to mind. He’s about 13 or 14, and Nya’s 11. They’re holding each other almost the exact way he and Lloyd are right now. Nya’s crying about something the boys said at school, about how her parents left because they don’t love her. Kai remembers trying not to say that’s what happened, at least to him. His own tears come up, and he doesn’t let Nya see them, hiding her face in a hug against a shirt he needs to wash. He tells her that they’ll come back one day, and if they don’t then Kai will still be here. The late noon sun had begun to dip behind the hills in front of the smith shop, and the broad cool shadow slowly crawled up the sooty stone walls. Kai doesn’t miss that day, or those days, those years.
“I think I’m ok now.” His younger brother says, barely above a whisper. His throat must hurt from the crying, and now Kai wishes he’d brought a bigger cup of water. But Lloyd can get his own water in the kitchen, he should let him do it on his own. As much as he likes coddling the younger, he knows his teammate hates it when he’s overbearing. So Kai lets Lloyd wiggle out of his lap, using the counter to help himself up to stand. He holds out a hand for his brother still on the floor, who takes it and brushes off the wrinkles in his plain red shirt.
“Jay’s playing DOOM right now, you wanna distract him so he dies?” Kai asks with a mischievous smile. It’s not like the one Morro had, and it reaches his eyes in a way Morro's couldn’t. Lloyd lets out a breathy chuckle, taking off the hoodie he’s still too warm in to tie it around his waist.
“You bet, how quick do you think he’s gonna rage this time?” He jokes, coming out of the bathroom as Kai steps out of the way.
“Ehh, I don’t know. Maybe 10 minutes. 5 if we’re lucky.”