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1. First Crush
Carlos was in the middle of his first crush before he even realized it was happening. He spent the first month of summer vacation listening to his sisters gush about how hot the new ranch hand was, and at some point Carlos realized that he definitely agreed.
The more he looked, the more he realized that he never even thought to look at girls this way, but boys well, he had to admit, if only to himself, that he’d been looking at boys for a long time. Once he realized this though, he couldn’t get it out of his head. His first thought was just that he’d been spending too much time around his sisters. That he’d heard one too many crush ladened speeches about some boy's muscles or hair.
That summer he tried to look at girls, admire them even, but while objectively he knew Lola from the ranch next door was pretty, he just wasn’t interested. His mother and sisters spent a lot of time that summer teasing him about all the girls who stared at him. His mother casually asked him questions about girls he was interested in and if he was interested in taking Lola into town to the movies. He wasn’t interested though. Not in the way he knew his mother wanted him to be.
Once Carlos realized how he was feeling he wasn’t sure what to think about it, so instead of thinking he just felt. He felt the butterflies in his stomach when Reno smiled at him from across the horse training ring. He felt the excitement when he specifically asked Carlos to help him with a task around the ranch. He felt the apprehension when he finally shared his secret with his sister Josefina. Most of all though, he felt the joy at learning to love himself for who he was.
2. First Kiss
The next summer came, and Carlos met Josh. Josh wasn’t like any boy he had met in Texas. First of all, he was from California, which was known for being way more accepting than Texas. In fact, California had just, finally, legalized same-sex marriages that year. Most importantly though, Josh was happily out, to anyone that cared to ask. Carlos admired the bravery that he felt it took for the other boy to be so comfortable in who he was, and Carlos wished he could borrow even a quarter of that bravery to tell his own parents.
Thankfully, Josh didn’t mind that for the time being Carlos was firmly in the closet with most of his family. He kindly answered all of Carlos’ questions about his own experiences and then listened to Carlos when he spoke of his. They developed an easy friendship that quickly morphed into more. Despite admiring his previous summer’s crush from afar; Carlos hadn’t yet had the courage to actually act on any of his desires. Therefore, the first time that Josh reached for his hand, Carlos froze. Full-on deer in the headlight, wide-eyed, couldn’t move, or think, for a full minute, froze.
Josh, bless his soul, just stood still holding Carlos’ hand gently in his and after a minute Carlos felt the gentle brush of Josh’s thumb across his knuckles. The touch he realized felt good and it stirred something warm inside him. After that first touch Carlos found himself wanting more. He found himself reaching for it and Josh was happy to give.
July was slowly rolling into August and while Carlos was enjoying the casual way he had come to love Josh’s touch, he felt like he wanted more. So, he planned a whole night; packed a blanket and a picnic basket filled with their favorite finger foods and convinced his sister Fina to cover for him as he took Josh out riding at dusk. They made it to the top of the hill just out of sight of the house and Carlos carefully dismounted and began to spread out the blanket, blushing heavily at the look of adoration Josh sent him when he realized the plan for the evening.
It was there under the bright stars of the Texas sky that Carlos had his first kiss. It lasted all of five awkward seconds, but it was the most beautiful thing Carlos had experienced in a long time.
3. First Boyfriend
Filipe came out of nowhere. Sophomore year, Carlos was sitting in his criminal psychology class waiting for the professor to start lecture when he was interrupted from his ritual pre-read of the lecture notes by a backpack landing on the floor by his feet. From the moment he looked up and met those gorgeous eyes Carlos knew he was a goner.
It took that one class period of Filipe making Carlos chuckle at the most inappropriate moments, and Carlos making Filipe focus on the lecture enough to write some notes down, for them to fall into a relationship that burned hot and fast. They had a lot in common, from growing up in Texas, to being Mexican-American, and running from familial challenges with their sexuality.
Filipe took Carlos on proper dates and Carlos wooed him with romantic gestures. They spent the school year wrapping their lives together in a neat little puzzle that Carlos would have called perfection. All the pieces seemed to be fitting together perfectly. Until a night out sent them both crashing into a wall and only one of them would break through.
They didn’t usually stray far from campus with their dates. Preferring the atmosphere of the young, accepting community that existed in those neighborhoods, but Filipe really wanted to try the new steakhouse in North Austin and who was Carlos to deny him. Instead, he got them a reservation and planned a whole date night.
They were both so happy as they settled into their table for two at the restaurant. Carlos admired the way Filipe looked in his suit and cowboy hat. He’d laughed when Filipe picked him up with it on, but he couldn’t lie when he said it suited the other man. Their happiness came to a screeching halt at the sound of Filipe’s name coming high-pitched from an older woman bearing a striking resemblance to the man that Carlos thought he was falling in love with.
The rest of the night is a blur of strangled words and angry shouts. By the end of the night all Carlos knows is that he’s left with an apology from Filipe that he can’t do this anymore and a broken heart. It takes months of attempted phone calls and text messages before Carlos finally hears from him again. Filipe answering subduedly just to ask him to stop calling. That he’s fine, but he needs to do what’s best for his family, which means he can’t keep seeing Carlos. Carlos understands, of course he does, he’s honestly not sure what he would have done in Filipe’s place if it was his mother who had walked in on their date, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
The hurt brings some conviction though. Carlos vows he won’t ever sacrifice his entire happiness for his family. Will he hope and wait and pray that when he’s ready, they accept him and his partner, yes. He’s not ready now though, not after experiencing the pain that can come when family gets complicated. Heaven forbid his family isn’t ready to accept seeing his life in perfect color like Filipe’s family couldn’t. Carlos vows to himself that he doesn’t want to let that destroy what he wants, the way he’s just experienced.
4. First Hook-up
If Carlos had to guess the first time he hooked-up with someone, it wouldn’t have been to someone he met only two hours ago at a party. He’s taken Isa words to heart and joined the LGBTQIA+ club on campus. He’s somewhat surprised at the happiness and camaraderie that he’s found with this group of people that come from all different walks of life and places, but all share this thing that exists, that isn’t always accepted outside of their group. Within the group though. He can always count on that acceptance and love.
It’s at the end of semester party his junior year that he meets Brent. He’s still nursing his wounds from breaking up with his first boyfriend and he knows he isn’t ready for anything serious. He also didn’t realize he was ready for something not serious at all. He’s dancing with a couple of his close friends when a guy he doesn’t know knocks into him from behind. Turning around to accept the apology he hears his voice is knocked out of him by the ice blue eyes he sees staring back. They’re so different from Filipe’s eyes that for the first time when he looks at a guy his brain doesn’t automatically go there.
Instead, it goes to another part of him that’s clearly reacting to the hungry way this man is running his eyes down his body. Carlos isn’t stupid, he knows he looks good. Especially now that he’s taken some time in college to get into a steady fitness routine that’s helped him bulk up a little more than he was in high school. In the long moment it takes the man to finish looking at him, Carlos’ mouth runs dry and when he tries to say anything the words seem caught in his throat.
The other man just laughs, and it's a hearty sound, “wanna get some water?” he asked before dragging Carlos off when he nods. His friends cheer him on as he allows himself to be pulled into the kitchen by this gorgeous man who swiftly hands him a bottle of water. They get as far into the small talk to exchange names, majors, and where they are from before they crash into one another. Carlos doesn’t know where his reaction is coming from, but it feels good to feel again. It feels good to be desired again too.
Their time together is hot, heavy, and surprisingly lasts half the night before Carlos slips out of the man’s bed and back to his own apartment. He feels a little bad leaving with only a handwritten note on Brent’s desk thanking him for the good time, but it feels right. He doesn’t think they were destined to be, but Carlos is happy they happened. If for nothing more than for him to feel good about himself again for a night.
5. Love at first sight
TK Strand comes bursting into his life one cold, rainy Austin night and he just doesn’t leave. Carlos is thankful for Michelle’s friendship and her distraction because it makes it easy for him to find out when the crew will be at the honky-tonk next without too many questions. This also means that Carlos doesn’t have to wait long until he gets another chance to see TK.
As the group of firefighters and paramedics from the newly re-established 126 make their way into the already crowded space of the honky-tonk Carlos catches Michelle’s eye from where he sits at the bar. It’s been a while since Carlos has been out, but he knows the bar always garners a big crowd these nights. This makes it easier for him to blend into the crowd, observing the atmosphere without having to engage in any unwanted conversation.
Michelle wanders over to him soon enough. “You know you could join us,” she motions her head to the two tables crowded with 126 members.
He shakes his head, carefully making sure to not look too long at one particular person he is here to see, “I’m okay. Go enjoy your time with the crew.”
Michelle shakes her head at him, but just turns around to order a drink from the bartender. Carlos takes a moment to admire TK Strand from where he stands at the nearby table with Captain Strand. He watches with assessing eyes as a series of emotions cross both of their faces and then he watches curiously as TK lays his head briefly on his dad’s shoulder. It takes him by surprise. Carlos can’t imagine casual affection like that ever playing out between him and his own father, let alone in such a public place.
The soft smile that graces TK’s face is alluring, and Carlos really wants to be a reason for it to appear again. It’s reminiscent of the smile that he saw when TK told him that Captain Strand was his dad out on the scene. There is an edge to it now though, and as Carlos watches Michelle take Captain Strand out to the dance floor, he notices the way TK fiddles with his straw nervously for another second.
Carlos has noticed that TK has quite a few nervous gestures. The way his eyes shift rapidly around the space, landing every so often on the pitchers of alcohol on the table despite the obvious glass of water sitting in front of him. How his foot taps rapidly against the base of the table he’s leaning against. The rapid tapping of fingers against said tabletop as he shifts front one foot to another. It adds another layer to the other man that Carlos wants to peel back to see what’s hidden underneath.
Carlos makes his decision as TK stands alone, back against the table, watching his crew begin to attempt to line dance. Taking the opportunity handed to him and bolstered by the feeling that he can’t let this man get away, Carlos approaches.
He stops at TK’s side, allowing himself a moment to appreciate just how good the other man looks in his button-up short-sleeve shirt and tight jeans.
“Hey,” he’s going for casual, and he thinks he manages well enough despite the way his heart rate picks up when TK glances his direction.
“Heeeyy.” The dragged-out word sounds better than it has any reason to coming from TK’s mouth and despite feeling just a little bit crazy, Carlos feels something. He manages not to squirm at the quick glance TK affords him.
“Wanna dance?”
Carlos watches as TK turns back towards him. Green eyes flick up to meet his before running down his body. Surprise is clear on TK’s face, but it quickly turns into excitement as he answers in the affirmative and Carlos wastes no more time in leading TK out to the dance floor. Feeling like this could be the start of something good; something Carlos doesn’t want to let slip through his fingers.