Work Text:
Ed: We’re gathered here, on our shared ship, Revenge, in one of our relaxing places, for an interview between myself and Stede with a machine called a lie detector. This machine was invented, as were many other things like fanfiction and sandwiches, by our crew, in this case by Frenchie and Wee John who said they used some kind of a crystal from a mermaid and a cat tail for it, and of course moonshine to… well… dunno. You see it's quite a sophisticated thing and we’re eager to try it as a leisure time activity. And of course, our mutual friend Lucius is here to write it all down and be present for…
Lucius: I'd like to say that I'm not here voluntarily!
Ed: Noted. …and be present for our conversation. So, Stede, are you ready?
Stede: As ready as I can be. Thank you, Ed, for the introduction. And thank you, Lucius, for being here. We appreciate the gesture.
Lucius: Don't mention it, Captain. No, I mean it, never mention it to anyone. Ever.
Ed: Stede, I was told we have to calibrate it first, so some easy questions for you. Is your name Stede Bonnet?
Stede: Yes.
Ed: Born on the 28th July 1688?
Stede: Yes.
Ed: Married, with two kids?
Stede: Yes.
Ed: And your wife is Ma-
Stede: Well… technically she's a widow now because I'm dead, but in practical terms, we’re separated. Got it?
Lucius: Seems correct to me.
Ed: Sorry, that was a tough one.
Stede: No no, it's alright. I don't mind.
Ed: Really?
Stede: Really.
Lucius: He's telling the truth, Cap.
Ed: Great. That's great, you know… for the recording and all. So… uhm… after you left your family, you became the Gentleman Pirate. Would you say you are enjoying your life now?
Stede: Yes, very much. What a lovely question, thank you, Ed. Everything is just perfect, you know… the ship, the crew… we could use some more entertainment sometimes and less other times, but all in all life at sea is great for my spirit.
Ed: Hmm… What about the other captain? Is working with him alright? Any complaints?
Stede: You mean, with you? Oh no, no complaints at all. Of course, I need more practice with sword fighting, and my pirate skills are not as good as they should be, but I'm learning stuff, we all are and that's why we are here, right? To learn, to discover, to enjoy our life!
Lucius: Truth.
Ed: Yes, yes. Good. What are your plans then?
Lucius: He needs a yes or no question, Cap.
Ed: Right. So, Stede, do you have any plans?
Stede: Of course! Many!
Ed: And… eh… for… let's say this evening?
Stede: What?
Ed: What? I just… uh… that is…
Stede: Free. I'm free.
Lucius: Truth.
Ed: Good. Well. Yeah. Good.
Lucius: You are hopeless, Captain.
Ed: Shut up, you-
Stede: May I ask you a question too, Ed?
Lucius: That's not how it works, Cap…
Ed: 'Course.
Stede: Well… I was wondering myself, what are you doing tonight?
Ed: You know… this and that… the usual…
Stede: May I join you?
Ed: If you want to. I mean… I'm not opposed to the idea or anything.
Stede: That's settled then. I'll go tell Roach to prepare a scrumptious dinner. Be back in a moment, dear.
Ed: Huh.
Lucius: Yeah, huh. You are impossible, you know?
Ed: Don't remind me…
Lucius: Just ask him out.
Ed: Just did.
Lucius: No you didn't.
Ed: I did! …Nearly.
Lucius: It was as near to your goal as a rock is to a liquid, man. You’re Blackbeard! You can ask someone you like out, for fuck sake.
Ed: You really think so?
Lucius: Yeah, I freaking think so. You’ve got a date now, so act on it.
Stede: I'm back. Is it your turn now, Ed?
Lucius: Yeah. Is it, Cap?
Ed: Yes. Of course. My turn. Give me the thing.
Stede: So I'm asking the questions now?
Lucis: Yes. Go for it.
Stede: So, Ed, for calibration… is your name Edward Teach?
Ed: Born on the beach, yeah.
Stede: And you are a pirate.
Ed: Obviously.
Stede: Known as Blackbeard.
Ed: Yes.
Stede: And your… Oh dear, that's so silly of me, I never asked about your birthday! When is it, then?
Ed: I don't know.
Stede: What?
Ed: I don't remember or I was never told, I don't know… it's not so uncommon for… you know, us…
Lucius: He's right.
Stede: Well… in that case we have to remedy that. Pick a date.
Ed: Like any date?
Stede: Yes. Any date you like for your big day.
Ed: I… Could it be today?
Stede: Of course! Well… we won't be able to do a big party for such a short notice but I'll tell the crew and we can have everything prepared in a jiffy… No big-
Ed: You. Could it be just you?
Stede: I-yes. Yes, of course. Anything you want. So a birthday party for two?
Ed: Yes. I would very much like that.
Lucius: Correct.
Stede: Should I ask more questions? Are you-
Ed: I'm prepared for anything, love.
Stede: I-
Lucius: Oh thank God it's finally out! I'll be going now, guys. Thanks for the chat!
Stede: No, I mean… Lucius, wait, is that…
Lucius: IT WAS THE TRUTH, CAP, DEAL WITH IT!
Stede: Right… so, Ed…
Ed: Yeah….
Stede: You meant it like… well… in a romantic sense of…
Ed: Yes.
Stede: Good.
Ed: Good.
Stede: Yeah. Good. Great actually. The best thing ever happened to me!
Ed: …So a date tonight, Co-captain?
Stede: With pleasure, Co-captain.