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“Chan.”
Chan turned towards him.
There was a faint nostalgia in the air. It was peaceful, too peaceful. Both boys had been on this roof too many times, what was supposed to be just an after-work hang soon turned into a space for the two to be as vulnerable as they come, it turned into a place for them away from the stressful and hectic life of an idol to a place where they could be transparent, where they could be safe.
Seungcheol took a long pause before speaking again. The comfort of hanging out on the roof didn’t seem particularly present and maybe the reason was that he was nervous, not sure if he should say what he was thinking but he couldn’t hide any longer. Not in front of the boy whom he had been vulnerable with so many times before, but, a part of him was scared to ruin their safe space. Fortunately, like the smoke filling his lungs, it had also clouded his head. Then, he finally spoke up,
“Would you hate me if I told you I liked you?”
The atmosphere almost felt fake, the orange dew of the sunset gently caressing his face and the light breeze in the air with the cigarette smoke that dulled his senses, everything seemed calm, like a lazy afternoon but he was terrified.
Though he said it in a calm almost unconcerned manner, Seungcheol was shaking. The fear of being rejected? Or the fear of his calm and collected persona slowly fading under his skin? Or simply the fact that he has most likely ruined his connection with the younger? But, like his actions and himself. Seungcheol was a contradiction. He couldn’t let the boy find out that he was even struggling to hold the cigarette between his fidgeting fingers. And It certainly didn’t help with the fact that they were 100 feet above the ground, sitting on the edge of their company building. A strange thought came to Seungcheol’s mind,
“ Should I jump if he rejects me?”
What seemed to be a rational thought in his irrational brain was luckily interrupted by Chan,
“Hyung, you do realize we’re holding hands and I can feel you shaking?” Chan stated indifferently causing a rush of scarlet over Seungcheol’s ears.
“Oh, I’m sorry I, um didn’t realize.” As Seungcheol went to separate their hands to maintain the least bit of dignity he had before he shrank in embarrassment, Chan took this as an opportunity to hold his hand tighter.
“No, Hyung I won’t hate you if you like me. In fact, I love that you like me.” Chan assured a wide-eyed star-struck Seungcheol, Chan couldn’t help but huff out a laugh as he stared at the elder’s face, he felt bad for laughing at him but he couldn’t help it as he fell back on the roof clutching his stomach.
Seungcheol came down with him as he almost breathlessly yelled out,
“Are you serious?” Still, star struck,
Chan turned towards him deadpan,
“Yes, Hyung I am very serious.” He said with the most serious and stoic face he could pull off in front of a boy that looked like he just found out Santa wasn’t real but he couldn’t maintain the face for too long as it quickly turned into his famous smile that made his eyes disappear, that made Seungcheol adore him.
Seungcheol finally let himself relax as he released a sigh that might as well have gotten rid of all the smoke he had inhaled, a slight smile appeared on his scarlet-cheeked face.
“You better not be joking with me cause you don’t understand how relieved I am right now.” He said as he took another drag from the cigarette that he no longer struggled to hold.
Chan chuckled at his reaction,
“So, when did you start liking me?”
Chan asked as he reached out to grab Seungcheol’s cigarette fearing it might go to waste while the elder talked, he took a drag from it as he waited for him to start talking.
“It was 6 months after our debut, we were in Woozi’s studio, recording a song when you messed up a line, you pouted when he scolded you and I don’t know, that’s when something clicked inside and I fell for you.” Seungcheol described the scenario as if he was reliving it, he turned his head to meet Chan’s longing eyes, part of him regretted doing that because that’s when he realized Chan was no longer that boy in the studio, he had grown into a fine idol, someone who was passionate in his work, someone Seungcheol was madly in love with, as Chan grew, Seungcheol’s love for him grew as well.
“Hm, maybe I should start messing up more,” Chan replied, a certain fondness in his tone as adverted his gaze from him. Chan was feeling... shy.
Seungcheol could only smirk at his response “So, when did you..” Chan was shy but his actions said otherwise because as Seungcheol went looking for a lighter to light his new cigarette, Chan grabbed the elder’s neck and pulled their faces closer as he lit the cigarette with the one he had stolen from him earlier.
Seungcheol stayed still, trying to process what had just happened. The cigarette Chan had so generously lit for him, was left hanging from his lips.
“Continue,” Chan said acting like he hadn’t just sent Seungcheol into a state of euphoria.
“Uh, so um when did you.. start liking.. me?” Seungcheol asked trying his best not to stutter and maintain composure. Chan was the only one that could make him behave this way.
“Hm, it was a few days after I had joined the company, we were practicing a song and Mingyu hyung kept messing up and you were visibly pissed but you didn’t take it out on Mingyu. I remember you calmly but sternly scolding Mingyu, everyone was terrified but I don’t know I found it admirable and kinda hot . “ Chan said the last word quietly as he turned the other way to hide the flush of red on his cheeks.
Turns out, Seungcheol wasn’t the only one trying to put up a confident facade.
“Hm, maybe I should start scolding Mingyu more,” Seungcheol said while taking another drag making Chan chuckle.
“ But wait.. “ Chan’s eyes shifted towards the elder, curious as to why there was a sudden change in demeanor, the atmosphere suddenly felt a little heavy.
“W-What?” Chan cursed himself for stuttering. But, he couldn’t help it, he was anxious, he could feel his artificial composure crumble beneath his own skin. It certainly didn’t help with the fact that Seungcheol was taking forever to speak, his eyebrows furrowed as if he was in deep thought only for him to say,
“So, does that mean....you liked me first?” with an evident arrogance in his voice and a proud smirk on his face Seungcheol finally relieved the boy from his anxiety.
Chan rolled his eyes as he let out an exasperated “ Oh my god. “
Seungcheol couldn’t help but smile at the younger’s reaction.
“ I didn’t mean to make fun of you. It just feels good knowing that I’m the brave one between the two of us. “ Seungcheol stated with the damned smirk still there.
The younger simply rolled his eyes,
“Oh, please you were struggling to hold your cigarette just a moment ago.”
Chan retorted quickly, wanting to get rid of that smirk but Seungcheol wouldn’t budge that easily.
“Hey, I mean I did confess first and you were in love with me longer.” He stated as if it were so obvious, the smirk never leaving his face.
“Oh, God I can’t believe I’m in a relationship with you!” Chan replied obviously joking but with his face buried in his hands, he’d already finished his cigarette but he wished he hadn’t for what he was about to hear next.
“ Relationship ? “ Seungcheol questioned in an almost accusing manner, the smirk finally leaving his face. The atmosphere felt heavy again, with slight tension in the air. A tight lump formed in Chan’s throat, had he moved too fast? Had he just assumed just because Seungcheol liked him, it meant he wanted a relationship? Did he ruin it?
“Why you don’t want to be.. in a relationship with me?” Chan was surprised he managed to get out that sentence without choking on his words, the anxiety was eating him alive, and Chan was dreading the elder’s response.
“ No..” Seungcheol replied sounding regretful, Chan’s heart sank at that moment. He tried to hold back his tears as much as he could.
“No, I loved to be in a relationship with you Channie. “ Seungcheol smiled showing his gums. Guess the leader wasn’t too great at reading the room.
Chan hit his arm,
“What was that for? “ The elder asked rubbing his arm. Not realizing the panic he had just sent the younger into.
“ You idiot . Don’t pause for that long.” Chan quivered in his reply, he felt relief. Not satisfied with the initial hit, he went to hit him again, Seungcheol quickly grabbed his arm pulling him closer. Their faces were inches apart. Seungcheol took his time to examine Chan’s face, he stared into his eyes which were lightly glazed with tears. The younger adverted his eyes from the elder’s intense gaze. Seungcheol finally noticed the younger’s panicked expression, the guilt he felt was heartbreaking he gently held Chan’s chin between his index finger and thumb making Chan look at him, the troubled expression on the elder’s face as he delicately rubbed Chan’s tears away made Chan realize how much he cared about him, Chan couldn’t possibly stay mad at him. An apology fell from his lips when the younger slowly nuzzled himself into his hand. Both enjoying the silence, the elder’s gaze fell upon the younger’s lips, shocking how even though he was a smoker his lips remained a soft tint of red, maybe he smoked just for Seungcheol, he never liked the fact that the elder always went alone on the roof to smoke, might have not been the best idea for a dancer like himself but at this moment with the boy whom he risked his health for just inches away from his face, Chan regretted nothing.
Seungcheol tried to apologize again but before the words could even fall from his lips, Chan quickly caught them.
It took Seungcheol a second, but it wasn’t long before he kissed him back.
The kiss wasn’t sexual but somehow it seemed so desperate, both of them forgetting to catch a breath as Seungcheol’s hands made it to the younger’s waist while the younger desperately clung onto the elder’s front jacket, almost afraid to touch anywhere else. It wasn’t until Seungcheol grabbed his hands, as they separated. Seungcheol brought their intertwined hands closer to his face, only to kiss Chan’s hand. Both of them were breathless, maybe it was the cigarettes or the fact that night had fallen and the cold forced them to cling onto each other, or simply the fact that the adrenaline pumping through their veins from having shared something they had longed for, for years. Trying to catch their breaths, the two of them clung to each other as if the other was their oxygen.
Seungcheol hugged Chan closer and tighter. Both of their faces flushed in the shade of affection, the warm fuzzy feeling as they held each other's hands. Chan looked up from his shoulder to admire the elder’s face, the slight soft smile, and eyes that held the sky slowly fell upon Chan’s lovesick face. Chan quickly looked down, embarrassed that he was caught admiring his hyung. Seungcheol chuckled softly as he bent his neck to kiss the younger’s temple. He looked up to the sky that was replaced from orange to a dark purple hue, he had finally understood what it felt like to be alive and loved.
At that moment, no concert or cheer could ever make him feel as alive as he did with the boy he loves in his arms. His whole life Seungcheol felt burdened, being a leader and being the eldest. He hadn’t realized he forgot his youth, he had forgotten how to live. But, with Chan in his arms, like seeing a rescue light while stranded at sea, Seungcheol saw hope. Chan was the reason he had held on longer. He was his anchor and he hoped he would be the same for him.
Both boys held onto each other through the night. Their cigarettes had finished. They were no longer talking but at that moment both felt alive, they had found their reason to hold on longer. They loved each other. The flaws, the contradictions, and the second-guessing were what made their love authentic.