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At this point, Reki had seen a lot of people confess their feelings to Langa. And Langa always did the exact same thing: he stood up very straight, achingly still and tense, waiting for them to finish talking. If they handed him something he always took it robotically but never looked at or opened it. And he always said the exact same thing: “Thank you. But I’m sorry. I don’t feel the same way.” Reki wasn’t sure why it was always the exact same thing. Perhaps he had gotten a line from someone about the best response to give. Sometimes Langa was interrupted before he could get to the end, but Reki could always tell it was going to be the exact same words.
Which is why Reki was so confused when Langa barely said anything after Reki himself confessed.
They were taking a break from skating and sitting together on a ramp, drinking water and eating snacks. Reki had been steeling himself for this confession for a while. He was by no means deluding himself that Langa felt the same way—well, he had hope, but no conviction—but he decided that he couldn’t keep these feelings in anymore. And if Langa didn’t reciprocate, then Reki knew he’d be let down gently and respectfully.
“Do you think it’s going to rain?” Langa had been asking. But Reki was finally ready.
“Hey Langa, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”
“What is it?”
Reki tried but couldn’t look him in the eye. So he settled for staring at his knees. “Well…the thing is, I like you. As more than a friend, I mean. And it’s fine if you don’t feel the same way or anything. I’m not expecting anything. Nothing between us has to change. That’s totally fine. I just…um…thought you should know.” He finally looked up and met Langa’s gaze, who of course had been looking directly at him this whole time. Langa’s eyes were wide and earnest and gently surprised. But other than that, he didn’t express much of a reaction. They sat in silence for a long moment, Reki desperately trying to read something in his stony faced friend.
Finally Langa spoke. “Huh.” And he turned away to look back out at the skatepark.
Huh? What did huh mean? Reki had overheard or witnessed a gazillion confessions to Langa, and he always responded the exact same way. Well…he always rejected the exact same way. Did that mean Reki had a chance? Or wait, did Langa perhaps not understand him? He was pretty dense. Maybe Reki should try to clarify.
“You do get that I’m saying I’d like to date you, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Okayyyy…” Reki looked back out at the skate park too, trying to figure out what was going on. Was Langa’s brain just broken from too many confessions? Or too many bails off a skateboard? They sat in silence while Reki racked his brain, trying to come up with any explanation at all for Langa’s non reaction to a pretty significant thing to hear from your best friend. He peeked over to look at Langa again. But his friend’s expression was still pretty blank, if maybe a bit confused, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary.
After several strangely silent minutes Langa spoke again. “You good? Wanna get back to skating?”
“Sure.” They grabbed their boards and got back to it. Well maybe no answer was his answer. That was fine. Not wholly unexpected. Langa didn’t seem bothered so they could continue on as is. Aside from being confused, Reki was actually feeling okay. They skated for a couple more hours, practicing tricks and laughing and falling and forgetting anyone else existed. But at some point Langa turned incredibly serious.
“Hey Reki?”
“What’s up, man?”
“If we were dating, what would be different?”
Reki tripped off his skateboard in surprise and stumbled to a stop. “What?” There was no way he heard that correctly.
Langa came to a more graceful stop. “Like this afternoon, if we were dating, what about this afternoon would be different?” His placid face suggested he was completely unaware of how weird a question this was.
“Um…” Reki scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “I guess not much. We’d still be skating and stuff. And…I don’t know. Maybe we’d hold hands and—“ he cut himself off and clamped his mouth shut.
“And what?”
“I don’t know. Normal couple stuff.”
“But what were you going to say?”
“Nothing.”
“Reki.”
“Langa.”
“Tell me.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“No!”
“Tell me.”
“Fine! I was going to say that maybe we’d…kiss…or whatever. Jeez.”
“Huh.” Was all Langa said again, and pushed off on his skateboard.
Reki climbed back onto his skateboard and pushed off after him. “Hey you’re the one who forced that out of me. I wasn’t going to say it. I’m not trying to make things awkward or anything.”
“I know. You’re not.” Weird! So weird!
Langa didn’t seem to have more to say on the issue. But Reki was very very confused! What on earth were those questions about? Was Langa trying to figure out how obsessed with him Reki was? Or was he just so dense that he literally didn’t know what couples did together? Maybe he found the idea of dating Reki so inconceivable that he wanted Reki to explain what that would look like. Well, that was a sobering thought.
“Reki, watch this!” Langa pulled Reki’s attention just in time to witness him nailing a cool trick.
“Oh awesome! Wait, let me try!”
They continued skating and, strangely, it wasn’t awkward at all. Finally Reki’s mom called him home for dinner and they went their separate ways, knees scraped, cheeks flushed, and smiling. And Reki thought that would be the end of that. But he was quite wrong.
The next day on the roof at lunch, Langa repeated his question.
“Hey Reki?”
“Hmm?”
“If we were dating, what about this would be different?”
Reki choked on the rice he was in the middle of swallowing. Langa just watched in silence for a minute as Reki hacked and gagged and coughed. Finally, when his breathing returned to normal, Reki asked, “What’s with these questions?” Langa just stared back at him, stubbornly waiting for the answer to his own question. When it became clear that Langa wasn’t going to explain, Reki gave in. “Well…I guess similar couple stuff. Like, holding hands, or I’d share my food with you, or–”
“You already share your food with me.” Langa interrupted.
“Well, what do you want me to say? That I’d feed you with my own chopsticks?”
For some reason, this got more of a reaction out of Langa than anything else. “What? Is that what you want?”
“No no!” Reki’s face flushed deeply. “I was just–that was a stupid joke. Forget I said that. I do not want to feed you. In fact, I don’t want you stealing my food at all.”
“It’s not stealing because you share it with me.” Langa beamed at his own cleverness.
Reki rolled his eyes. “Whaaaaatever.”
“So, what else?”
“I’m still eating! Jeez! Eat your own food.”
“No, I mean what else would be different?”
“What is with you and these questions? I don’t know. Why do you think it would be so different? We’d…we’d still watch our skating videos…but maybe…maybe I’d sit in your lap or something.” Reki instantly regretted saying that, but this too seemed to get a reaction out of Langa.
“Huh. My lap.” He looked down and patted the space on the ground between his legs. “Like here?” He looked back up at Reki, absurdly earnest, like this was a test and he wanted to give the right answer.
“Uh…yeah.” This was really weird.
“And you’d…lean back against my chest, I think. Right?” Langa spoke as though he were figuring out the logistics of a complicated trick, not something as simple yet awkward as Reki sitting in his lap.
“Right…”
Langa looked forward, staring off into space. “Huh. Okay.” And he returned to eating his lunch.
It was safe to say that Reki had no idea what was going on. He knew Langa wasn’t messing with him. He was too kind and (if we’re being honest) too dense to do that. So what in god’s name was he trying to do?
And he didn’t stop there. As the days passed, Langa kept asking the same question of Reki.
When they met up in the morning:
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
“I mean, we’d probably kiss each other hello…right? That’s a couple’s thing.”
“Hmm.”
During a break at school:
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
“Well, I guess that would depend on if we cared about other people at school knowing about us or not.”
“Oh. Would you care?”
“I wouldn’t want people up in my business, but I also wouldn’t want to be keeping it a secret.”
“Hmm. Okay. So what would be different then?”
“Ummm…maybe we would leave, like, cute notes in each other’s desks and lockers.”
“Why wouldn’t we just give them to each other directly?”
“I don’t know man. It’s a couple’s thing. It was just a thought. You asked for something else.”
“Huh.”
Patching up Langa after a nasty bail:
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
“Well, I would kiss your injuries to make them better.”
“Huh.”
At work:
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
“Oh I don’t know. Try not to do anything to get us fired.”
“Like what?”
“Come on, man. Use your imagination.”
“We do good work. What would get us fired?”
“Ummm like if we were caught making out in the back room…”
“Ohh. Yeah.”
“You asked!”
“I know.”
Doing homework at Reki’s house:
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
“Probably not much at all. I’m trying to focus on this assignment.”
“I’m not preventing you.”
“Yes you are.”
The questions had pretty much completely stopped being awkward for Reki (though he was a bit concerned by Langa’s apparent lack of imagination). But then Langa wanted Reki to show , not just tell him.
They were at their usual greasy fast food place when Langa posed his usual question between bites.
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
“Well, I guess this would count as an official date. So, being the gentleman I am, I would pay for your food.”
“Why?”
“That’s what makes it a date. Paying for your date’s food.”
“Why wouldn’t I pay for your food?”
“Okay fine. So for starters we would argue over who is paying for the food.”
“Yeah that sounds like us.”
This gave Reki pause as he tried to process the significance of that comment.
“So what else?”
“Umm…I don’t know. Maybe we would sit on the same side of the table so we could hold hands or touch knees or whatever.”
“Show me.”
“What?”
“I want to see.”
“I don’t–”
But Langa was already pushing his food to the seat next to Reki and getting up to move. He sat down next to a gaping Reki. “We would probably need our hands for eating.”
“Uhhh,” was all Reki could say.
“So what would we do with our knees?” Langa stared at him, face still completely calm while Reki was going a bit crazy.
“Ummmmmm…I guess…” Reki nudged his leg over so that his knee, calf, and foot pressed firmly against Langa’s. “Like this?” So so weird.
“Oh. I see.” Langa blinked then returned to eating his food, not moving his leg away from Reki’s.
Once again, Reki stared at his face, trying to understand his thoughts. It felt…nice having Langa’s leg pressed against his, a small but constant form of contact. But they weren’t actually dating, Reki had to remind himself. So what was happening?
“What else?” Langa asked between bites.
“Umm…well you might put your arm around the back of my seat and I would…lean into you.” Reki had gotten used to answering these questions, but it was quite different now that Langa was acting out his answers.
“Hmm.” Langa considered that answer for a moment. “I’m still eating.”
As if that was the reason they weren’t sitting that way! Reki thought his head might actually explode. To make it all even crazier, Langa did not move his leg away until they finished eating and got up to leave. What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? Had Langa somehow forgotten that they weren’t actually dating? Why on earth would he want to act out a date with Reki?
When they were at S that night, Reki felt the question coming before Langa even spoke.
“Hey Reki?”
“Yeah?”
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
“Well, we’d probably hold hands or something.”
“Oh.” There was a strange moment of silence between them before Langa slipped his hand into Reki’s.
Reki immediately yanked his hand away and looked around anxiously, hyper aware of the crowd they were in. “What are you doing?”
Langa just blinked at him. “I wanted you to show me.”
“What? Why? You know what holding hands is. You can’t just do that here. People will think we’re a couple.”
“So?”
Langa was seriously killing him. “We’re not a couple. You made it clear that you don’t want to be. And that’s fine. But I really don’t want to deal with people thinking that we are when we’re not. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
Langa’s eyebrows pushed together in worry. “Reki?”
“What?”
“Are you mad at me?”
Reki sighed heavily and rubbed his face. “No. No I’m not. I just–it’s fine.”
“Okay…”
Reki looked at Langa, intending to force a reassuring smile onto his face, but Langa’s worried expression melted his tension and the smile ended up being genuine. “Don’t worry. It’s all good man.”
Langa relaxed. “Oh. Okay. So what else?”
“What else would be different?” Reki knew the ropes by now.
“Yeah.”
“Well, when you won a race or if I won a race we’d probably kiss each other in congratulations.”
“Huh. What else?”
“I don’t know, man. You know the stuff couples do at S.”
“Like kissing stuff?”
“Yeah, like you’re always stumbling upon a couple making out behind some rock or whatever.” The words left Reki’s mouth before he thought them through.
“Where? Show me.”
“You…want me to show you where a gross couple is making out?”
“No, just a spot where they would.”
Where we would, Reki’s mind helpfully supplied. He wanted to say no to this. It was getting really weird! But since when could he say no to Langa? “Um…okay?”
He awkwardly led Langa through the crowd, scanning the terrain. Finally his eyes landed on an opening in the rocks where two people could easily duck behind and have some semblance of privacy. He led Langa behind the rocks and gestured around awkwardly to indicate that they were suddenly quite alone, despite the roaring noise of S only feet away.
“Um…so…yeah.” Reki stepped away and leaned against the rocks, trying to put as much space between him and Langa as possible, but not really gaining any significant distance.
But Langa stepped back into his space and touched the rock next to Reki’s shoulder. He seemed to be considering the terrain and oblivious to how their position made Reki’s breathing hitch. Then he spoke, almost to himself. “I wonder if being pressed against this would be uncomfortable for you.” What?
“What?”
“Reki–”
Suddenly Shadow’s voice boomed through their ears. “REKI!”
Reki leapt away from Langa with an embarrassing squeak.
Shadow shouted out again. “REKI! Where are you? I need you!”
“Coming!” Reki raced towards the voice, cheeks burning, and away from his best friend who was–what was Langa doing? As he found his tools and fixed the issue with Shadow’s board, his mind rattled trying to understand what had just happened. Had Langa been imagining kissing him? Not just kissing. Making out?
Why?
Why?
It seemed too–it was all too–Reki thought he might keel over dead then and there. Was that what had been going on with all of Langa’s questions about what would be different if they were dating? Was Langa trying to imagine what it would be like for them to date? Why? Was the idea of dating Reki such an insane concept that he needed it explained to him? But that wouldn’t explain why he’s seemed almost obsessed with the question ever since Reki confessed. Could that mean he–?
No . Reki cut that line of thinking off. No. Langa had made it clear he wasn’t interested. Reki couldn’t let himself get carried away with fantasies that were only just going to break his heart later. He tried to push away all the little hopes that had popped back, just in time for Langa to appear wordlessly as his side.
Reki finished up with Shadow’s board and returned to paying attention to the race, ignoring Langa and trying to subtly put distance between them. But Langa was doing a stellar job of sticking stubbornly by Reki’s side. They had always been practically joined at the hip, ever since the beginning, but now for the first time Reki found it incredibly painful. He had accepted Langa’s rejection pretty easily, considering the depth of his feelings, but now with Langa so close, and having been so close, it hurt. It just hurt.
S couldn’t get over fast enough. And when it finally did, Reki racked his brain for an excuse to not ride home with Langa. But of course he couldn’t think of one and ended up on the back of Langa’s scooter, arms wrapped around his waist, heart pounding much too hard. There was no easy way to ride on the back of someone’s scooter without feeling their body in an oddly intimate way, and being that close just ached.
They were silent the whole ride, barely having spoken anything since behind the rocks. When they finally arrived at Reki’s place, Langa broke the silence.
“Um…are we still doing a sleepover?”
Reki reluctantly met his eyes. They were nervous, unsure, an unusual look on Langa. “Do you…still want to?” Langa nodded. “Okay. C’mon then.”
They snuck into the house and tiptoed to Reki’s room, careful not to wake any of his family. They changed into pajamas in the darkness, the only light a sliver of the moon peeking in through the window. Then they climbed into Reki’s bed together, both hesitant and awkward for the first time since they first had a sleepover. Carefully, they settled under the blankets, each on their sides, facing each other but not touching in any way.
“Is this okay?” Langa whispered.
“Yeah.” Reki breathed, not even knowing what the question was in reference too.
There was a moment of silence, then, again, Reki knew what was coming before Langa spoke.
“Hey Reki?”
“Hmm?”
“If we were dating, how would this be different?”
Langa was close. So very close. Reki’s heart was pounding, so loud in his ears that he felt dizzy. “Well, maybe our feet…” He trailed off, his voice failing him.
“Our feet?”
“Yeah. We might tangle our feet together under the blanket.”
“Show me.”
Reki swallowed heavily and slid his feet towards Langa’s under the covers. Langa met him halfway, and they tentatively crossed their feet at the ankles, knees grazing.
“What else?” Langa whispered, his voice achingly soft.
“I might…play with your hair.”
“Show me.”
Reki knew it was coming, but hearing the words still made him feel like he was falling. Slowly he reached across the space between them, a space too small and too big at the same time, and gently brushed Langa’s hair off his forehead. He combed his fingers through the locks, admiring their softness like he’d always wanted to do. Langa let out a quiet, pleased hum that sent chills through Reki’s chest. For a couple long moments they laid in silence like that, Langa gently looking at Reki who was maintaining strict eye contact with Langa’s hair.
Finally Langa spoke again, barely even a whisper. “What else?”
Reki continued playing with Langa’s hair, unable to meet his eyes. “We might…say nice things to each other. Like, I might say that you’re really pretty. And you might say that—“
“You’re beautiful, Reki.” Langa interrupted, reaching out and brushing back Reki’s hair in much the same way. Reki’s own hand froze but didn’t fall away.
“Yeah.” His voice cracked. “Something like that.” Langa just smiled at him, devastatingly soft, and continued brushing his hair. Reki felt like Langa was edging them closer and closer to a cliff, and he wasn’t sure if they could return to normal after going over the edge. He felt absolutely powerless to stop them, not that he was sure he wanted to.
As they lightly played with each other’s hair, Langa moving his hand gently and Reki moving his awkwardly, time seemed to stop. Reki didn’t know if seconds or hours were passing. He was caught in Langa’s gaze, barely able to move anymore. He wanted to scoot closer and he also wanted to run away, far away, to a place where things made sense and best friends didn’t do…whatever Langa was doing.
Langa’s hand eventually slipped down and traced Reki’s cheekbone before lightly cupping his face.
“What else?” Langa spoke so quietly that Reki was no longer certain he’d said it aloud and not just directly into his brain. Langa’s thumb ghosted next to his lips, telling Reki what to say next.
It took every effort to pull the words from his mouth. “We’d probably kiss.”
Langa leaned towards him until they were barely inches away, his hand pressed against Reki’s cheek. “Show me,” he breathed.
Before he could stop himself, Reki leaned in, closing the distance between them, and pressed his lips against Langa’s.
And it was—it was everything. Langa’s lips were soft and sweet, his hand on Reki’s face pulling him even closer. Reki felt fireworks explode in his chest as his mind officially turned to mush. It was somehow achingly tender and explosively intense at the same time, slow and careful but with great feeling beneath the surface. All anxious thoughts fled his mind as he just felt Langa’s lips, Langa’s hands, Langa’s legs, Langa’s hair, Langa Langa Langa.
Eventually they parted, still sharing breath and breathing heavily. Reki pressed his forehead against Langa’s and tried to slow his racing heart.
“I thought so.” Langa whispered, breaking the silence.
“What?” Reki pulled back to look at him, suddenly afraid that he had made a terrible mistake. But Langa didn’t move and just caressed his cheek.
“I thought I would like kissing you. And I was right.”
All thoughts and questions and confusions flooded back into Reki’s brain. “You…um…what…okay…” What did this mean?
Langa smiled and leaned in to kiss him again, but this time Reki’s confusion was his primary feeling and he flinched noticeably. Langa’s smile faded into a frown. “What’s wrong?”
“Langa…I can’t just—it doesn’t—you don’t—gah!” He sat up and pinched the bridge of his nose. Langa carefully sat up too. “I can’t just kiss you like this! This isn’t just some fun chill thing for me. I like you. I have feelings for you. Don’t you get that? So it’s not fair to just kiss me like it’s nothing when you know what it means to me.”
“Oh Reki. Reki, I’m so sorry! I didn’t—it’s not nothing. It’s so far from nothing. Reki, it’s everything. You’re everything.”
Reki’s eyes slid up to meet Langa’s. “What?”
“Rekiiii, I like you too!” And oh how beautiful Langa was, smiling lovingly, cheeks flushed, and telling Reki that he liked him back.
“You—oh.” Oh.
“Yeah!”
“Wait what?” It was the words he wanted to hear but they didn’t make sense. “I don’t understand. You like me?”
“Uh huh!”
Reki grabbed Langa by the shoulders and shook him. “Well then why didn’t you tell me when I confessed to you?”
“Oh, well I just figured it out.”
“What? You just–?”
“Yeah. Just now. When I kissed you.”
“Whaaat?”
“I was starting to wonder if I liked you because I wanted to do all the things you said we’d do if we were dating. But I had to kiss you to know for sure. And now I know!” He smiled like he was incredibly proud of his logic.
Reki sighed and dropped his head. “Langaaaa, that doesn’t make any sense!”
“What do you mean? Yes it does.”
“You wanted to hold my hand and kiss me but you didn’t know if you liked me or not?”
“Well, I wasn’t sure. I had to try it out. How else was I supposed to know?”
“Langa, you’re really—whatever, nevermind. It doesn’t matter. You like me? Huh. Well that’s—that’s pretty great.” Langa’s confession was finally sinking in.
“Yeah! So now can we date and do all the stuff you said we would do?”
Reki chuckled and took Langa’s hand. “Yeah. Yeah we can do whatever you want.”
“Good. I really want to do that thing where you sit in front of me and kinda lean back into–”
“Sure sure.” Reki leaned in. “But first–” he interrupted himself by kissing Langa again.