Chapter Text
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
Somewhere Only We Know by Keane
June 18, 1996 — Death Chamber, Department of Mysteries, Ministry of Magic
It had happened so fast that it took more than several seconds for Remus to understand what he had just witnessed. The last time Remus looked at Sirius, he was duelling Bellatrix while laughing. But now, Sirius was no longer laughing–instead, he was slowly falling back–into the veil. Remus wasn’t the only one who had frozen in place. Harry, who had been standing close to Sirius, was also frozen in place and watched Sirius completely fall back into the veil that looked thinner than a bedsheet.
Remus stopped what he was doing–which was standing by the rest of the students in case the Death Eaters attacked them–and ran as fast as he could towards the archway, towards the veil. He couldn’t think about anything else at the moment, but to possibly hold onto Sirius’ hand before his entire body falls through. Because he couldn’t lose Sirius again. Not when Remus had already lost him once fifteen years ago. Not when he had finally learned the truth about the Halloween night two years ago. Not when–not when Remus and Sirius had finally started to love each other again like their old days.
But as Remus was running, he soon realized that he was too late. There was no way that Remus was going to reach Sirius in time, since his body was already half-swallowed by the veil. Before it fully engulfed him, Sirius held his head up and made eye contact with Remus. Even though Sirius didn’t–or couldn’t–say anything, Remus understood his every word. How couldn’t he? That’s how soulmates worked.
‘I’m sorry, Moony. I love you. Take care of Harry for me.’
And, with those words, the rest of Sirius’ body sank backwards and Sirius disappeared into the veil. Remus instantly stopped running. His eyes widened and for a second, he silently stared at the veil and the archway, where Sirius had just stood. But now–there was no Sirius. He was gone , forever. Remus wanted to scream, shout, or say something –but nothing came out of his mouth. Instead, he couldn’t hear anything around him, although it was clear that there were plenty of sounds. All he could hear was his own breathing and a flat beeping sound in his ears. Perhaps the rest of the world had stopped working for him because he had already lost his own. It almost seemed like the flat beeping noise wouldn’t stop, until–
“SIRIUS!”
Harry’s loud and desperate voice pierced through Remus’ ears, bringing him back to reality. Bellatrix was laughing triumphantly, and Harry was calling out Sirius’ name, hoping that he would reappear from the veil. But when he didn’t, Remus could see Harry’s green eyes tear up.
“SIRIUS!”
Harry yelled out Sirius’ name once again, a bit louder this time. Remus was also hoping that Sirius would reappear from the veil like nothing had happened, but deep down, he knew that there was no way that Sirius could come back. He knew because he vividly remembered the book he read in his seventh year and the conversation he had with Sirius right afterwards.
April 8, 1978 — Gryffindor Common Room, Hogwarts
“Moony! Mooony!”
Sirius was sitting next to Remus, wearing his Gryffindor robes, calling him. Remus was peacefully reading his book with his back rested on the side of the couch and with his legs propped up. Given how tall Remus was, his two legs had almost entirely covered the couch, giving Sirius barely enough space to sit. But it seemed like Sirius hadn’t minded it at all.
“What?!” Remus said, clearly annoyed, lifting his head from the book.
“Stop reading, it’s Saturday!” Sirius said.
“Go away, Padfoot,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “Leave me alone.”
But as always, Sirius did not leave Remus alone.
“What are you reading anyway that’s so important?” Sirius asked, attempting to read the top of the page upside down.
Remus pulled the book away from Sirius, frowning. He was very fond of his books, especially those that weren’t his textbooks.
“The book’s called The Mysteries of the Wizarding World , if you really want to know,” Remus said. “It tells you all the unsolved mysteries and secrets of this world.”
“Sounds interesting, for once,” Sirius said. “So, tell me, what are some of the mysteries you’ve read?”
“There’s something called the veil,” Remus said. “It’s apparently located in the Death Chamber, which is located in the Department of the Mysteries in the Ministry of Magic.”
“Veil? What’s the veil?” Sirius asked, raising his eyebrow.
“Well, we don’t know much about it,” Remus said, looking back down at his book. “What people assume though, is that the veil is some kind of barrier between the living and the land of the dead. You cannot travel freely between the two worlds–it’s a one-way trip.”
“So if you go through the veil–you cannot come back?” Sirius asked, with his eyes full of curiosity.
“I suppose not,” Remus said. “They’re not sure what happens to you if you fall through, but one thing is clear. You cannot come back to this world. Ever.”
“That’s scary,” Sirius said. “Although, I have to admit, it’s kind of cool that there’s a barrier between the living and the land of the dead.”
Remus closed the book and stared at Sirius disapprovingly.
“Please don’t tell me you’re going to go to the Department of Mysteries to see the veil yourself,” Remus said. “Or worse, trying to put your hands through the veil to see what happens.”
“Now why would I do that?” Sirius said, getting closer to Remus. “When I have my lovely boyfriend right here, at Hogwarts?”
Although the two of them have been dating for almost three years, Remus couldn’t help but blush. There were times where Remus still couldn’t believe that Sirius was also in love with him , and this was one of those times.
“...So you wouldn’t throw yourself at the veil?” Remus asked, with his cheeks red. “Ever?”
“No,” Sirius said, as he kissed Remus on the cheek. “Because that would be a stupid thing to do–even by my standards. Besides, I wouldn’t ever leave you. I promise.”
But neither of them had known that this promise would be broken eighteen years later.
Remus stared at the empty veil bitterly, remembering the conversation he had with Sirius eighteen years ago. It was cruel, really, for Sirius to die by doing something that he promised he wouldn’t ever do. It was similar to how Sirius was framed for James and Lily’s deaths even though he vowed his whole life that he wouldn’t turn out like the rest of his family members. It was also cruel for Remus, too, because Sirius died right in front of him and without a body for Remus to cry over and hug one last time. He couldn’t even say his goodbyes to Sirius.
So Remus decided to do one thing that he could do–honor Sirius’ last wish. With him being gone, now it was Remus’ job to look after Harry–he was the only one that Harry had left. He turned towards Harry, and his eyes immediately widened in horror. Harry was getting too close to the veil, with his arms out. Before Harry could take one more step, Remus ran to him and grabbed him around the chest, holding Harry back.
“There’s nothing you can do, Harry–”
This was the first time speaking for Remus ever since he witnessed Sirius’ death. To his surprise, his voice was very calm, especially for someone who had just lost the love of his life for a second time. Maybe it was because Remus didn’t want to show his emotions in front of Harry too much–because he had to hold himself together. If he didn’t, Harry wouldn’t hesitate to break free from his arms and run after Sirius. Not that Remus didn’t want to–oh, that was the only thing he wanted to do right now–but if he did, he knew Sirius wouldn’t forgive him. Especially because Harry was still here, and as much as Remus loved Sirius, he couldn’t abandon Harry–not again.
“Get him, save him, he’s only just gone through!” Harry yelled.
Although Remus couldn’t really see Harry’s face, he could tell how desperate he was by his voice. And the words he was yelling– oh, it almost felt like what Remus himself would have yelled if this happened eighteen years ago. The only difference was that Harry was yelling for his godfather–no, father –and Remus would’ve yelled for his soulmate.
“It’s too late, Harry–” Remus said, calmly again, although there were hints of pain in his voice.
“We can still reach him–” Harry argued.
Harry struggled hard and viciously, but knowing Harry would, Remus held him tighter, not letting him go. And after swallowing the cries in his throat, Remus spoke again, with teary eyes.
“There’s nothing you can do, Harry….nothing….he’s gone.”
When he said the last two words, it felt like his heart was breaking into pieces. Because even though Remus had already accepted the fact that Sirius was dead and couldn’t come back, this was the first time that he was admitting that reality out loud. And there was a difference between thinking it and saying it.
“He hasn’t gone!” Harry yelled.
As he did so, Harry fought Remus with every bit of strength he had. But knowing what would happen if he let go of Harry, Remus didn’t loosen his grip. As much as Remus fully understood what Harry was feeling right now, he couldn’t let it happen. Because Remus couldn’t lose Harry too, and secondly, he couldn’t let Sirius down again.
“SIRIUS!” Harry bellowed, his voice full of pain. “SIRIUS!”
Harry’s voice made Remus shed tears too, because it was just so full of pain and desperation…it was almost like Harry was saying all the things Remus wanted to say at the moment. Because if Remus was alone, he definitely would’ve screamed, yelled, cried…and most of all, wouldn’t believe that Sirius was truly gone.
“He can’t come back, Harry,” Remus said instead–his voice broke as he struggled to contain Harry. “He can’t come back, because he’s d–”
He was almost glad that Harry interrupted him, because it took all the strength in Remus to say the last word.
“HE–IS–NOT–DEAD!” Harry roared. “SIRIUS!”
After Harry yelled out Sirius’ name again, he let out the most agonizing, powerful scream that Remus had ever heard. It was so agonizing and powerful that everyone–even the Death Eaters–had stopped what they were doing and turned towards Harry. Lucius Malfoy was staring at Harry in shock, and Bellatrix–the person who was responsible for the scream was watching Harry from the doorway, with an expression that was a mixture of surprise and satisfaction.
When Remus found Bellatrix, his whole body was filling up with rage and hatred. But even if he did so, he didn’t do anything–keeping Harry close to him was more important than going after Bellatrix. Suddenly, Remus understood why Sirius went after Peter fifthteen years ago on that Halloween night. Everything made sense to him now–why Sirius chased down Peter, even though there was still Harry…he couldn’t control the rage and the hatred he had felt towards Peter…even when Sirius told Remus everything, he still had a hard time understanding why Sirius didn’t alert the Aurors or anyone else for that matter. But now–Remus understood why. Being in the same position as Sirius, Remus understood why Sirius went after Peter himself. But even as he did so, Remus didn’t let go of Harry. He couldn’t make the same mistake. He had to protect Harry.
Unfortunately, Remus wasn’t the only one who felt such rage and hatred towards Bellatrix. And when Harry saw Bellatrix leaving, he couldn’t control himself. He used up all the strength he had in him, and broke free out of Remus’ grip. Before Remus could say anything or do anything, Harry went after Bellatrix, running, with his wand in his hand.
“HARRY!” Remus yelled, but Harry didn’t stop. Soon, Harry was out of Remus’ sight.
With his eyes full of panic, Remus immediately ran after Harry, with his wand out. He had already lost the love of his life today–he couldn’t afford to lose the only son he had too.
“ I killed Sirius Black, I killed Sirius Black !”
Bellatrix’s high-pitched voice filled the Atrium. Harry, who pointed his wand directly at Bellatrix, and shouted without hesitation.
“ Crucio !”
The familiar red light hit Bellatrix in the back, knocking her over to the floor. As she turned towards Harry, however, she was widely smiling–it almost seemed like she was enjoying the moment. While Harry looked down at her with uncontrollable rage, Bellatrix simply smiled.
“Oh, you’re going to kill me, Potter?” Bellatrix said. “Are you going to kill me for your revenge? You loved your godfather, didn't you?”
“Shut up!” Harry yelled, grabbing his wand tighter. “Shut up! Shut up!”
“But it seems like you have never used an Unforgivable Curse before,” Bellatrix said. “You need to mean them, Potter! You need to really want to cause pain–to enjoy it–righteous anger won’t hurt me for long. How can you kill me, if you can’t even do the Cruciatus Curse right? I’ll show you how it is done, shall I? I’ll give you a lesson.”
Bellatrix grabbed her wand from the ground and before Harry could do anything–she pointed it at him.
“ Crucio !” Bellatrix screamed.
Although Harry knew what was coming, that didn’t mean that he could endure the pain. Within seconds, Harry was on the floor, twitching and screaming in pain. His wand was right next to him, but his arm couldn’t move at all–it was busy twitching on its own. He could hear Bellatrix’s laugh–and as much as he wanted her to stop, he couldn’t….all Harry could do was helplessly lie there….
“Potter, you cannot win against me!” Bellatrix cried triumphantly. “You cannot–”
But Bellatrix couldn’t finish her sentence, because a familiar red light hit her square in the chest. With a scream, Bellatrix fell backwards, dropping her wand. The wand rolled away from her. Harry stopped screaming and he let out heavy breathing. He turned his head towards where the red light came from and saw Remus running up to him, with his face filled with horror.
“Harry! Harry ,” Remus yelled. “Are you alright? You–you were…”
Remus couldn’t say tortured out loud, because that was too cruel for Harry, especially for someone who had just lost his godfather. Harry slightly nodded and Remus helped him to get up. Bellatrix was on the ground, looking up at Remus, smirking. Her wand was still far away from her, now that it had reached the water fountain.
“....Lupin,” Bellatrix said, licking her lips. “Didn’t think I would see you here.”
Remus, who immediately shielded Harry with his own body, pointed his wand at Bellatrix. His hand was trembling–but out of pure anger, not out of fear. Harry looked up at Remus and couldn’t hide his surprise–although he had only known Remus for two years now, he has always thought of Remus as this kind, warm person. He wasn’t aware that someone like Remus was capable of showing such anger. His eyes were no longer warm, but ice cold. It was almost like Remus in front of him was a whole new person–he was a complete stranger to Harry.
“You’re mistaken then,” Remus said coldly.
“Here for Sirius Black–your boyfriend?” Bellatrix said, laughing. “Here to kill me, Lupin?”
Harry stared at Remus when Bellatrix mentioned ‘boyfriend,’ but didn’t say anything.
“...You tortured Harry,” Remus said, his voice breaking.
When Remus ran into the Atrium and saw Harry twitching and screaming in pain, he couldn’t take it anymore. He immediately went after Bellatrix, without hesitation. He promised himself to not do any irrational things, but this was different. She was hurting Harry–and Remus had to do something . Because if he didn’t, he would be killing Sirius twice. His last words to him were to take care of Harry and Remus was going to do exactly that until his last breath in this world.
“I was teaching him a lesson–” Bellatrix said, smiling.
“ Shut up ,” Remus said. “You’re done hurting people, Bellatrix Lestrange.”
“Oh, what are you going to do, Lupin?” Bellatrix said, laughing again. “Kill me? You can barely–”
But again, for the second time today, Bellatrix couldn’t finish her sentence. And this time, it wasn’t the red light that stopped her. At that moment, Remus pulled Harry in, almost for a hug, covering his eyes. Before Harry could ask what was going on, he heard the two familiar words.
“ Avada Kedavra ,” Remus said coldly.
A flash of green light hit Bellatrix straight in the chest, as she stopped laughing and looked up at Remus in horror. Within seconds, Bellatrix dropped to the ground, lifeless. Remus stared at the dead body of the person who killed the love of his life…this was the first time that he had ever tried a Killing Curse and he just felt empty. Not guilty, not relieved…but empty.
Harry slowly pulled away from Remus, now staring down at Bellatrix, along with Remus.
“....You killed her,” Harry said as a matter-of-a-factly. “You did it for Sirius.”
“I’m sorry that you had to be here for it,” Remus said, turning towards Harry. “But I couldn’t let her get away. And I feel like if I didn’t do it now–I’m going to regret it later. And, I just didn’t do it for Sirius.”
There’s a moment of silence between Remus and Harry.
“...I did it for you, too,” Remus said. “For torturing you.”
Harry wanted to ask why Remus cared so much about him, but didn’t. This wasn’t the right time. Instead, he decided to ask a different question.
“Why did you cover my eyes for it?” Harry asked. “I’ve seen much worse things than this.”
Remus stared down at Harry bitterly. It hurt him to hear that Harry had gone through so much pain and deaths in his life. And he was only fifteen.
“That doesn’t mean you should see more deaths,” Remus said. “Even if that’s Bellatrix’s. It’s a terrible thing–watching someone die as the green light flashes in front of your eyes.”
Remus didn’t need to say anymore–Harry understood. He understood because he still remembered how Cedric died so easily right in front of him a year ago. Harry looked at Remus, although he looked the same as he did before, there was something about him that made him more friendly. Maybe it was the fact that Remus ran after Harry for him, or because Remus already understood how painful it was to witness a death.
But for the first time since Harry met Remus on the Hogwarts Express two years ago, Remus felt like more than just an ex-professor to Harry.