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Most of the Hermits were gathered in Grian’s mansion, still needing to be decorated but otherwise furnished pretty well. It was snowing, not heavily, but just enough to make it uncomfortable for anybody in their own bases, most of the time. Even TFC admitted it was too cold in his tunnel system and came to Grian’s base. Pixel could bet all his diamonds he knew where everybody on the server was.
Which brought him to the here and now. Wandering in the snow before sitting down behind Grian’s base on a log. He wondered idly how his family was doing, but didn’t bother checking his communicator. He’d do it later.
“So, you decided to leave? Instead of telling anyone about your issues?” A voice purred behind him.
Pixel didn’t even bother looking back, instead hunching further into himself. “What do you want, you bitch?” He snapped, squeezing his eyes shut.
She giggled. That goddamn laugh forcing the Shifter to use everything in his power not to break down then and there. “Well now, Pup, that’s no way to talk to your girlfriend, is it?”
Pixel tensed. That nickname, that fucking nickname- he tensed up, still, after all this time. He had half a mind to know she couldn’t be killed, but Void, he sure did want to fucking slaughter her. “I thought the rest of them got rid of you,” Pixel finally managed to spit out, venom seeping into his tone. “Why do you keep coming back?”
Again, she- no, it, because he wouldn’t fucking humanize this thing, this stain on his life, chuckled again. Pixel felt sick to his stomach from the sound alone. “Why? I thought you were smarter than that, Pup!” His eyes cracked open, and it had floated around to stare at him, taunting green-red gaze burning holes into him, yet he couldn’t look away. “I’m here to remind you how utterly worthless you are. Do you want examples?”
Pixel sighed shakily and stood up. “Shut the fuck up.”
The Demon grabbed him by the arm and shoved him into the snow, grinning in a sick form of satisfaction as he laid there, staring into its gaze, petrified, no matter how brave he tried to act. It continued, voice filled with a sinister form of glee. “Well, first off, you can’t even tell anyone about me, or they’ll think you’re insane. Then they’ll shove you into a mental hospital, right where you belong!”
“You’re not real,” Pixel hissed, struggling to his feet and slowly backing away from it. “You’re not real, fuck off!”
“You’re talking to yourself, you really are insane!” It cackled, grinning sadistically, blood slowly dripping from its mouth. “Besides, you’re too much of a coward to tell anyone about your feelings, so instead you just bottle it up, then you lash out and hurt the ones you love the most. But I bet you like hurting them, don’t you? You’ve always had a bloodlust, Pup. Always .”
Tears, much to Pixel’s distress, slid down his face. “Shut up-”
It cut him off, floating towards him. The Shifter backed away, hoping he wouldn’t trip off the cliff behind him. All while that happened, it continued to speak. “To top it all off, you don’t even know who you are half the time! The old you is already dead anyways, Puppy. Why don’t you just give up? The cliff’s right there, and nobody would miss you. Nobody would notice that you’re gone. They’re already having a grand time without you. Do everyone a favor, and be useful for once.”
“Shut up!” Pixel screeched, throwing a punch at it in a blind rage, but he missed. That miss was his downfall. Before he could blink, it shoved him off the cliff, vanishing as he fell. His breath caught in his throat as he seemed to fall in slow motion, right into the snowbank below.
Pixel was sure he lost consciousness after he hit the ground. He didn’t know for how long. It could’ve been seconds, or maybe hours. All he knew was his entire body ached. He cracked his eyes open, shivering as the snow started to fall heavier. He looked down, attempting to move, before pain shot through his right leg like a bullet. The Shifter let out a sharp cry, staring right at his leg. It was broken, he was sure of it, and his shin was sloped backwards. His breath quickened. Small ‘no’s left his mouth as he looked in his pocket for his communicator. Luckily, his pockets were those zip-up kind, so he wouldn’t have lost it in his fall-
He had left his communicator on the table.
It wasn’t with him.
Panic started to set in fully as he let out a sob, pain starting to overtake his body. He was pretty sure he was blacking out again, probably from the lack of air he was able to properly get, but he had only one thought while his consciousness faded.
I don’t want to die like this.
-
Grian paced around anxiously. It’d been an hour. Pixel wasn’t back yet. He said he was going out for a short walk, to ‘clear his head’ or something like that, so shouldn’t he be back by now? Xisuma approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder, probably to calm him down at least a bit. Cleo stepped inside, glancing at the two of them. “He still isn’t back?”
The Zombie shook her head, looking back into the snowy darkness. “You’d think he would be. There isn’t even a creeper out there.”
“Should we look for him?” Jevin asked from his spot next to Wels. “He’s usually pretty good with arriving on time and stuff like that, so...”
Doc stood up, walking towards the small group forming. “I’d say anyone who isn’t prone to freezing searches. The area around here is huge.”
Grian shot Xisuma a look before he could even say anything about not flying while it was snowing. “I can check behind the mansion.”
He didn’t let anyone object as he ran off, deciding to check the bottom of the cliffs. He liked to come down here sometimes, so there was no point in not checking. It took longer than he would’ve liked to admit to start searching, mainly due to not being able to fly, especially since they didn’t need someone else accidentally going missing. Thankful everything was pretty well lit, because he didn’t need to fight off mobs and search at the same time, but-
His thoughts were cut short when he caught the sight of Pixel, lying uncannily still in the snow. “Pixel?! Pixel, are you okay?”
The Shifter struggled to sit up, a forced smile creeping its way onto his lips. “What does it look like?” He laughed, though it sounded more akin to a sob.
Grian felt his heart drop into his stomach when he saw his friend’s leg. “Shit. Pixel, I’m- I’m gonna get you back home, okay?”
Pixel nodded, glad he was only slightly taller than Grian, making it a lot less difficult to lift him. If he had the energy to shift, he would, but that would cause more problems due to his leg either way. Grian mindfully avoided touching Pixel’s broken leg, and started the trek back home. When they got back, Scar was waiting outside. He looked like he was about to say something, before his gaze drifted to the Shifter’s injury and he began typing away at his communicator. Jevin was inside and did basically the same thing, but instead of typing, he helped Grian lay Pixel down in what would hopefully be a comfortable position. His leg was propped up with a pillow, and TFC draped a blanket over him.
It was comfortable, and honestly, Pixel would’ve fallen asleep if he wasn’t in a ton of pain. It didn’t take long for everybody else to come back to the mansion, as to be expected. X and Stress were immediately on first aid while the rest of the Hermits situated themselves nearby. Most of the conversations were hushed, but in a mostly delirious state, Pixel didn’t hear them anyways. Joe was reading something, so it didn’t take that long for him to drift off after X and Stress had given him pain meds.
-
Pixel slowly woke up, thoughts jumbled. His head hurt pretty bad, and he was moved to what seemed to be a guest room, light trickling in from behind pale curtains. Looking at his leg made the events of the previous night hit him like a minecart, and he laid his head back down and groaned. Judging by the clock on the wall, it was maybe 9am, at the latest. Sitting up, the Shifter groggily took in his surroundings. Mostly bare walls, a nice ‘waiting room cream’ color, he’d call it, a spruce door-
The Demon was standing at the door.
Pixel felt his heartbeat quicken, dragging his eyes away from it and looking out the window. There was still plenty of snow outside, and if he wasn’t injured, he’d propose a snowball fight, but, well. Yeah.
“You’re distracting yourself, Pup. What’s wrong?” He felt sick. Its voice was sickly sweet. He didn’t want to talk to it. He didn’t he didn’t he didn’t he didn’t-
Pixel didn’t even realize he had attempted to cover his face until clawed fingers dug into his wrists and forced them apart. “Pup, what’s wrong?” It repeated, tail curling around him as it moved to float behind him. “Why aren’t you talking to me? I’m still your girlfriend, after all!”
A growl rose in the Shifter’s throat as he narrowed his eyes. “You never loved me, Madison.” The name bitterly rolled off his tongue like a foreign word.
It spoke with a pouty tone. “But Puppy, I tried to help you!”
“What have you ever done to help me?!” He sneered, smiling tauntingly at it- her? Ugh.
“I helped you do what you were too scared to do yourself,” She shot back, making Pixel’s blood run cold. “You’re going to hurt them once you’re healed, after all. You should’ve hit your head, then suffered, suffered as you died alone .”
Pixel froze, fighting off a panic attack. “No, shut up, shut the fuck up,” He snapped, attempting to grab her. (He missed. It didn’t work. It never did.) “I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t fucking kill myself, you tried to fucking kill me.”
Just as she seemed to open her mouth to taunt him further, a light knock at the door interrupted her. “Pixel, are you awake?”
A familiar server admin and Voidwalker poked his head in, before slipping through the door and walking over to the Shifter. Madison gripped at his shoulders, knowing nobody else could see her. Trying to get a reaction out of him. Well, Pixel wouldn’t give her that satisfaction. Xisuma sat down what looked like a bowl of soup on the nightstand. What was in it he’d figure out later, he was too busy trying not to flinch. “How are you feeling?” He asked, sitting on the foot of the bed.
Pixel weakly smiled, rigid as she traced the front of his neck with her claws. He knew she couldn’t kill him, not directly, but it was terrifying. “My leg hurts, and my head, a bit. Broken bones n’ shit.”
X nodded, glancing out the window momentarily. “Gave us a bit of a scare. Reminded me of what happened with Beef.”
Pixel looked away guiltily. He’d vaguely heard of that incident. Not much, but Beef needed to wear a leg brace, so he could fill in the blanks. “Well, I’ll live.” (If she didn’t kill him first.)
The admin looked distracted, like a thought was dancing through his mind. The Shifter tilted his head, and Xisuma looked back. “Can you tell me what happened yesterday? You don’t have to yet, whenever you’re comfortable is fine.”
Pixel knew this conversation was coming. He didn’t want to talk about it, but he needed to. He couldn’t keep bottling this up- “Are you really going to bother him with your problems?” Stop. He just wanted to be okay again. He looked away from Xisuma. “You should’ve died, anyways. Why are you even trying? You’ll just end up killing all of them, mutilating them, tearing apart their lifeless bodies and moving onto the next serv-”
“I’m sorry,” Pixel choked out, desperate to get Madison to shut up. The silence resting between the two of them was deafening.
“Sorry for what, Pixel?” Xisuma asked, concern lacing his tone.
“For being a problem living in his server? For being a destructive monster? For-”
“I- I don’t...” The Shifter stuttered out, bringing his good knee up to his chest. “If- can you promise that... no matter how crazy, or whatever, I sound, can you not say anything until I’m done?”
The Voidwalker nodded.
Pixel breathed a silent sigh of relief, barely able to keep his composure when her claws dug into his shoulders. “You’re insane,” She whispered. “You should’ve been dead by now.”
Taking a shuddering breath, Pixel began to explain. “I... used to have a girlfriend, name isn’t really relevant, but uh, she wasn’t the best person. I don’t think she knows I’m on this server, but I think part of me is still... haunted, by her.”
He glanced at X. He didn’t seem to have any reaction. “You sound crazy, Puppy.”
“Something, I dunno what, keeps some sort of... spirit, attached to me, and maybe she’s dead and this is her ghost, I don’t know, but, it fucking- it kept taunting me, and it pushed me off that cliff, and I don’t know what to do.”
By the end of it, Pixel was barely holding himself together, and let out a sob as Xisuma hugged him close. “That must’ve taken a world of effort to tell me,” He murmured. “I’m proud of you.”
Pixel was terrified, but he didn’t want X to know the full extent. Because what if he did call him insane? He could feel his mental state slipping, back to when he was forced to be with this monster, metaphorically chained to her, relying on her, thinking she always knew what was best. He was scared, by Void he was scared, so scared and angry, negative emotions bubbling and festering and writhing under his skin with no escape. He just wanted it to go away go away go away g o away go away go away-
He passed out after that.
-
Pixel always hated being stuck in one place. Sure, he could be in a wheelchair or whatever, but it was still difficult to get around even with one. So he laid in his base’s room. He usually had different Hermits going in and out, but...
She still taunted him in the corner of his eye. He’d done everything in an attempt to get rid of her.
“A fall from that height wouldn't've killed me,” He sighed, defeat curling in his chest like a dull knife stabbing his heart.
“But you wish it did, didn’t you?” She asked. Pixel didn’t look at her. “I’d do everyone a favor and kill you myself if I could.”
“Why are you even here?” The Shifter blurted out, turning to look at her. “I thought they got rid of you.”
Madison chuckled. “As long as I’m still alive, I’ll torture you until your death. After all, you left me. You left our life behind, Puppy.”
“I escaped, ” Pixel replied, looking out the window. It was raining. He could hear thunder. He liked thunder. “You don’t control me.”
“You can’t hide forever. Once I find a way onto your little server-” She grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her. She had a sick grin on her face. “-I’ll make sure you’ll never leave again. We’ll always be together, Puppy. Together forever.”
Pixel squeezed his eyes shut, trying to turn his head. “That’s not my name, and you fucking know it.”
“Of course it is. You’ve never been a boy, Puppy. You’ll always be my girlfriend.”
Pixel sobbed. Hate, fear, rage, anxiety, everything hit him at once like a bullet. He wanted to scream, dragging his face away from her and covering his face, holding back a wail, filled with emotions buried deep in the back of his brain.
-
Shapeshifters healed quicker than most species. It was only a month until he could walk with a walking boot thing and crutches for extra support. Madison was still eating away at his mind, but he forced himself to keep a happy appearance. Bringing him to his first meeting since his injury.
It made him anxious, but he forced himself to swallow down those feelings as he sat at one end of the table, resting his crutches next to him. Jevin gave him a slight smile, as best as he could with a lack of a mouth. “Glad to see you again, Pix.”
Pixel nodded in response, not being able to help giving a small smile back. Not everyone was here, but it didn’t take long for people to show up. TFC wasn’t there, unfortunately, but that wasn’t unusual.
He didn’t pay much attention to what people were talking about during the meeting, trying to keep his breathing stable. He wouldn’t let himself break down here, he just needed to get through this. Madison couldn’t hurt him.
Claws dug into his arms. He tried to focus on something, anything, other than Her. His head hurt. She isn’t real, you’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay you’re okay you’re okay you’re-
“Pixel? Are you okay?” Xisuma’s voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Everyone was staring at him. “You look pale.”
“Tell them, tell them everything.”
No, shut up. I’m fine.
“You’re shaking. What, are you gonna cry?”
I don’t have to listen to you.
“Oh yeah? You know that isn’t true. Just kill them, get it over with.”
You’re wrong. I don’t want to hurt them. You’re a fucking monster.
“Really? What does that say about you, if I’m not real? ”
Jevin placed a hand on his shoulder. He was saying something, but Pixel’s ears were ringing. Bile rose in his throat. He swallowed, staring at the table in front of him. Sweat (-or maybe tears? He wasn’t sure-) slid down the side of his face.
“Calm down, Puppy. It’s okay.”
Get out of my fucking head.
“You’re okay, sweetheart. Calm down, I’m here.”
I fucking hate you, leave me alone, get out of my life-
Pixel didn’t remember curling up in the corner. He didn’t remember probably hobbling over and cowering, not daring to face anybody. A gloved hand rested on his shoulder. He froze. Clawed hands dug into his back, scraping along his spine, but not breaking skin. She couldn’t.
You can’t hurt me.
“Maybe not physically, but does it matter? I’ll find you, and you’ll come with me, dead or alive.”
The Hermits won’t let you touch me. They’re my family.
“They don’t care about you. Stop lying to yourself. I know what’s best.”
Pixel was sobbing, curled tightly against himself, black dots dancing on the edges of his vision. Someone was hugging him. He wasn’t sure who, everything was hazy. He hugged back, sobbing into their shoulder. Doc. It was Doc.
He was tired, sobs slowly turning to small whimpers and sniffles. “M’ head hurts,” He mumbled, breath still unsteady, he wasn’t sure how long he’d been here.
“I know, it’s okay,” He said quietly, rubbing his back. “We’re here for you. We’re here.”
“...I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” That was X. “You’ve been through a lot.”
Claws ghosted over his cheek. “You don’t deserve to be here.”
Pixel shook his head, falling asleep in Doc’s arms. He was so tired.
-
Life was... relatively normal. He didn’t need the boot anymore, but he still wouldn’t tell anybody about what was happening with him.
But he wasn’t getting better. His brain was slipping in and out of horrible mindsets. He stopped showing up for meetings. He stopped answering messages. He stopped going outside.
Nightmares plagued him. He would constantly be reminded of how he was chained to Her, or he’d have visions of killing the rest of the Hermits, blood coating the ground, his paws, his mouth, everything. Or he’d be infinitely falling in the void, or maybe he was floating, all while screaming into the nothingness about the things he couldn’t change, couldn’t deal with, couldn’t move past.
Nobody had seen him in about a week, so it didn’t surprise him when Xisuma visited him. “Pixel?”
The Shifter in question looked up from the corner he was sitting in. He was sure he looked like a wreck, tear stains prevalent.
“Hey, Pixel,” He said quietly, sitting down in front of him. Madison floated tauntingly behind him. “It’s been a while.”
Pixel looked away. He was so fucking selfish, making his problems everyone else’s problems. “I know.”
X rested his hand on his friend’s hand. “Do you need to talk about anything?”
He sighed. “It’s not your problem. It’s mine, you don’t need to deal with me.”
“I’m not ‘dealing’ with you. You’re family. I can help with whatever’s going on.”
The Shifter didn’t respond. He didn’t deserve help. He didn’t deserve help because what kind of selfish piece of shit deserved to be helped when he couldn’t take care of himself-
“I’d prefer to talk outside.”
Why’d he say that? He didn’t want to talk, not at all. He was fine, there was nothing wrong.
Instead, the two of them went outside, sitting down on a bench as clouds of frost came with each breath from Pixel. Xisuma didn’t seem affected, probably from his armor. “I like the cold,” The shorter of the two stated simply. “Summer’s too humid, makes it harder to get fresh air.”
The Admin hummed in response. “Feel free to start wherever.”
Pixel nodded, ignoring Her resting Her chin on his head. “You already know, but, uh, girl I was with? Abusive. Thing following me? Nobody can see it, I can’t touch it, it can touch me, but it can’t hurt me.”
He looked up briefly, watching X nod, before he continued. “It... told me that she’d come find me. That it wouldn’t disappear unless she’s dead. I don’t know if that’s true, I don’t know if I’m schizophrenic or some shit, but I’m terrified she’s gonna get past the whitelist system and into the server and hurt me, hurt you guys, kill you guys, and take me. I don’t...” He choked on his words, blinking back tears. “I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’m gonna end up hurting someone, because I’m a fucking monster-”
Xisuma cut him off. “You’re not a monster. If anything, she sounds like a monster. But not you.”
Pixel shook his head. “I’d be lying if I said I believe you.”
X nodded. “I know. I know, but I hope one day you’ll get in the proper headspace to believe me. You’ve got the whole server backing you.”
Pixel sighed, leaning into the Admin. “...Thanks, X.”
And Xisuma held him.
And maybe in time he’d figure this out.
And he’d eventually have to face the Demon clouding his mind.
But for now, the Demon was quiet, and he wanted to have this moment last, if only for a little while.
Because he’d eventually be okay, even if he didn’t necessarily believe that.
And right now, it was okay.