Chapter Text
Dazai was an upright young man. Indeed, he was not horizontal. He walked down the street in a carefree manner, his arms swinging by his sides.
He was bored.
Things got dangerous when a man such as Dazai was bored.
He looked idly around, for something captivating. There were some civilians passing by, wrapped up in their monotonous lives.
His gaze wandered over to a large water fountain, the water bubbling enticingly. A tall, skinny figure leaned over it, their head topped with an upright shock of blindingly white hair.
They had an air of powerful, mysterious energy surrounding them.
Dazai just knew he had to poke this person to see what would happen. Grinning gleefully, he tiptoed toward them, fingers wriggling in anticipation. Despite what he thought was some first-class sneaking, the stranger turned around as he got near, as though they’d somehow heard him. Because they surely couldn’t have seen him; their eyes are covered by a dark blindfold (ignoring the fact that Dazai had been behind them).
The person’s mouth twisted upwards in a smirk, and they leaned downwards, getting in Dazai’s face.
“Impressive sneaking, little man. But not quite good enough to fool me, the almighty Man better than All Other Men, Extremely Beautifully-eyelashed, Divine Uno Master, man who watches All Those Who Hold A Plus 4 Of evil In Their Hearts, defender of the weak, Gojō Satoru,” a prideful cackle escaped his lips.
“Just who do you think you’re calling ‘little man’?” Dazai was more curious than offended.
“Well, it would certainly be a more accurate descriptor for the red-headed fellow who was following you, but in this instance I’m referring to you .” He rocked back on his feet, hands in his pockets.
Dazai blinked.
“Chūya’s following me?” He smirked, placing his thumb and forefinger under his chin in an L shape. “That little hat rack of a man sure is obsessed with me!” Spinning on his heels, he shaded his eyes with a hand, peering into the crowd.
“Chuuuuya~!” he called.
The stranger, Gojō, turned slightly to the left, immediately before something heavy and angry slammed into Dazai, knocking him against Gojō’s chest.
Gojō pushed him swiftly to the floor. “Don’t act desperate; it’s unbecoming of a man such as you!”
Dazai had barely been introduced to the ground when he was hauled up by his shirt collar, bringing him to the below-average height of Chūya’s angry gaze.
“You slimy piece of trash! You're an actual piece of garbage. I hope you die a horrible death being ground up in a washing machine THAT HAS TEETH!!!”
The tall man leaned over them. “I might be able to arrange that,” he offered, sounding alarmingly serious.
“Who the fruck are you, lamp post lookin’ man,” Chūya demanded, still holding Dazai by his collar.
Gojō, apparently taking this as a challenge, stood up straight. “I could ask the same of you, Chihuahua,” he said, lips turned up into a shit eating grin.
“I’m going to fucking kill you.” Chūya said coldly, dropping Dazai and turning to face Gojō.
“Ooh,” the tall man giggled delightedly, bringing his hands up into a singular clap. “I bet you can’t!”
Dazai draped his arms over his knees, watching the hat rack argue with the flamboyant skyscraper. He’s pretty sure Chūya could beat Gojō in a fight, but doesn’t want to assume.
It was rude to make assumptions about people you’d just met, after all.
Gojō pulled out an uno deck from who knows where, and waved it about dramatically.
“Let’s go, my good man. Whoever wins gets to punt the loser into the sun!”
Chūya seemed taken back for a split second, but he recovered quickly. “Deal!” he barked. He’s never actually punted anyone into the sun before (as far as Dazai knows), but Chūya’s gonna try his damned best.
He’s never played uno either. But the rules are simple, right? Collect as many number one cards as you can. Chūya steeled himself, ready for the battle at hand.
“To the park, for our epic Uno Battle!” Gojō declared, one arm in the air in some stupid, over the top pose.
Chūya found himself angrily scrambling after the lamppost’s long legged strides. It was all he could do to not hurl the man like a ragdoll.
Dazai, delighted at this top tier entertainment, skipped along with them to a nearby picnic table. There were fewer people there, a handful of parents and kids doing their thing. A couple was lying on the grass a few feet away, snuggling in the sun.
The couple had gorgeous long hair, and Dazai didn’t have enough time to notice anything else because Chūya was already screaming.
“PLUS TWO!!!” he screeched, slamming the card onto the table.
Gojō smiled serenely, before placing another plus two cards on top of it.
“Plus four,” his face was unreadable. He watched for Chūya’s reaction.
All the blood dropped from Chūya’s face and he turned white as a sheet.
“No… no... you- you can’t do that! He - he can’t do that, can he!?” Chūya demanded, turning to Dazai in his hour of need.
Dazai grinned.
“Pick up four, Chuu-Chuu,”
As Chūya started making an impressive impression of a steam train, an irritable voice spoke up behind them.
“Other people are trying to enjoy the park, you know,” a coldly irritated voice commented. “I’d appreciate it if you could keep it down.”
The person next to them laughs nervously. “It’s okay San Lang, we can just go to another park, no need to cause another …situation,”
Gojō laughed, sounding annoyingly hearty. He waved a hand, “Oh, I’m so sorry! This little guy here offered to fight me, so we’re having a high-stakes game of Uno!”
Chūya made a sound of rage, looking as though he was about to have an aneurysm.
“I’m going to get so many number one cards, you won't even know what to do and then I'm going to punt you into the sun!!!!”
Dazai smirked quietly to himself, hiding his mouth behind his collar.
The person in white perked up. “Oh, you’re playing Uno? Is there room for one more? I’ve been wanting to play for a while, but I’ve been lacking good opponents.”
“The more the merrier!” Gojō exclaimed, sweeping up the cards, much to Chūya’s consternation.
“I HAD SO MANY ONES!!” He yelled. “I WAS ABOUT TO WIN!”
Gojō, about to deal out the cards, hastily snatched them back up as there was a yell, then a crash and splintering of wood. Dazai almost thought Chūya had gotten mad and smashed the table, but Chūya was still standing next to him, looking equally confused.
A small, blond child crashes through the table, smashing it to pieces, collapsing unconscious to the ground.