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Jimmy was somewhat used to being the butt of jokes. Not that he minded! They usually were less jokes and more observations than anything else— he understood that. Just light-hearted jabs between friends, nothing to get worked up over!
It’s nothing. Really.
It’s nothing, until the jokes start to sound more like snide remarks, made both to his face and behind his back when they think he’s out of earshot. It’s nothing, until those jokes become pretty much the only thing anyone has to say about him. It’s nothing, until everyone is saying it and they all laugh and it’s not long before a sickening doubt turns, ever-present, in his stomach and almost has him convinced that it’s all true.
In a game like the one they’re all playing now, Jimmy would consider himself a good friend, maybe even a decent ally. But the longer he thinks about it the more he wonders— what does he actually have to offer? The doubt eats at his chest and settles an ache in his head that makes it difficult to think of a satisfactory answer.
Even as he sets out solo and explores and gathers materials (iron tools and a spyglass? Not a bad start if you were to ask him), the doubt remains heavy with him. It wiggles and makes itself known with every conversation, every test he takes with those he comes across, when he can see the relief in their eyes when they realize that their life is not bound to his.
Joel’s visceral reaction, his admission that he had prayed for his soul to be bound to literally anyone else, only to then agree to accompany him in the caves proves what Jimmy had already suspected.
The same jabs that everyone makes at Jimmy are often also said about Scar. The difference there though is that Scar, when he needs to, finds ways to make himself be feared. He finds ways to make himself a lot of things— whatever he needs to be, really. A loyal ally, a smooth-talking distraction, a server-wide menace. Jimmy is just… himself. He tries his best, he truly does, but he has found that sometimes that isn’t enough. It certainly doesn’t seem to be enough for anyone else, and seeing all his friends delighted with their new soul bound partners feeds the doubt and makes it fester and grow into something akin to hatred. Hearing that Impulse and Bdubs immediately took to each other with a sickly sweet pride, seeing Etho and Joel of all people realize their bond and just click, seeing everyone look for their partner with such enthusiasm and hope made Jimmy wonder if his soulmate wouldn’t be disappointed when they realized who they’d have to deal with.
It is from dwelling on this bubbling, ugly feeling that Jimmy is jolted, feeling the twinge of phantom pain echoing through his body. A flash of concern quickly buried by annoyance is even quicker overtaken by agony as he seizes, and in a moment finds himself back in the spawn forest. For a few seconds, Jimmy simply stands there, processing the pain shooting, but fading, through his limbs and the emptiness in his hands where there had just been weighty iron tools. A laugh bubbles forth and is immediately smothered as he realizes what had happened.
Grassy footsteps stumble towards him, and he turns to see TangoTek approach, hands shaking, apologies and explanations already spilling from his mouth, and all Jimmy could do in that moment was wonder if Tango’s eyes had been green before they’d been yellow.
As Tango’s voice washes over him, Jimmy considers being mad. He certainly felt that anger welling in him, right alongside frustration and shock and doubt and a million other emotions that he doesn’t have the capacity to name right now. He could yell and scream and cry because it’s all so unfair and it’s proving every single joke ever made at his expense right .
And he doesn’t know Tango that well. It would be so easy to release everything onto this guy as opposed to someone like Joel or BigB or Scott. And in this situation, many would probably even consider a bit of emotional outrage to be warranted. No one liked spontaneously exploding, and Jimmy could still feel the uncomfortable tingle of new post-respawn skin settling over nearly the entirety of his body. He thinks he’s owed a little anger.
In a moment of cold clarity, however, watching Tango, who has barely stopped to breathe, continue to stammer and ramble about ‘ninja creepers’ , Jimmy quietly realizes that he doesn’t want to be angry. He is angry, oh he is, but he doesn’t really want to be, and it takes him a second to understand why.
He recognizes himself in the way Tango can’t seem to make eye contact with him, the way he hasn’t stopped wringing his hands since they’ve both respawned. Jimmy understands that Tango understands the weight of what just happened. Jimmy knows that Tango knows of the “curse” Jimmy carries, always first to die in games like these. He knows about the jokes and the teasing and the ridicule. But not once during his tirade has Tango implied that this was Jimmy’s fault and, from the look of genuine remorse in his eyes, Jimmy gets the sense that he never will. It’s been a long time since someone’s given him the benefit of the doubt, that hasn’t immediately blamed Jimmy for something he can’t really control.
It’s… nice.
With a deep, steadying breath, Jimmy sets his anger aside. There will be time to deal with all of that later. He stops Tango’s rambling and they both scramble to go find their gear. They talk. They agree to reconvene and decide what to do next, together . They part ways.
As he makes his way to the hill where he died, Jimmy reflects on the doubt that still sits grumbling, almost smug, in his chest, and vows that he will do everything he can to make sure that Tango never has to feel the same way he does.