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It wasn’t anything serious, it wasn’t even that important. He could get over it…but today was different. Today was harder.
He knew he had friends his own age, people he could reach out to and hopefully understand him but he couldn't. He just couldn't make that call, have that talk, or even bother them. He’s always been the friend they can rely on, never the one who needed help, and he wanted it to stay that way.
After everything that happened to them, he realized some of his friends had bigger problems than him. Real problems, not like the stupid things had.
He just needed an escape from his head for at least a moment. It's been so loud these days.
Dustin grabbed his backpack and began biking to Eddie’s, maybe he could help him.
When he reached the trailer he set his bike near the van, careful to not scratch it. It was awkward. He's been here before but only in life-saving circumstances. But he needed something, anything. So he knocks.
He wasn't sure if Eddie was home yet, his van was there and the lights were on but he didn't answer the door.
“Eddie! It's Dustin, can we talk?”
“What the hell are you doing here Henderson? Long way from home man. Come in.” Eddie asked, opening the door and pointing Dustin to the coach.
“Sorry- I should've called but I didn't think about it. If you're busy, that's totally cool. I can go home or something.” he replied, taking a seat.
“No, it's fine. Just- what are you doing here? Not in a bad way or anything but we only hang out at school or you know, just not here? I don't know if that makes sense but I'm just a little lost. I just mean…like- what do you need?”
Dustin mentally cringes at the phrasing, it makes him feel like a burden.
“Sorry, just, I don't know how this works?”
Dustin started, receiving an eyebrow raise from the other, who just leaned against the wall of the trailer and stared at him.
“I just. You're like a drug dealer, right? Like I know you sell weed and stuff but do you sell anything else? I mean weeds ok too but I just- I want something stronger? I just- I don't know. I have like twenty bucks with me and I can get more if you need. I just- I need this? I need something to help.”
“Woah- what the fuck? No, dude. I won't sell you anything. That shits not- you're like fresh out of middle school- no. I can't give you anything.”
Dustin stood up, “ok. Yeah. Sorry. I'll just find someone else, thanks for your time.”
He knew he was being a dick but that reply felt hypocritical, he had no place to tell him what he could and couldn't do. It's not like he does drugs all the time. He needed this but clearly, he couldn't get that here.
“Hey kid, wait. Look- I'm sorry I can't give you anything but you shouldn't be doing that type of shit, especially stronger shit. Just- just wait for a moment, ok? I'll get you something just- just wait ok?” Eddie said, walking past him and disappearing into his room.
Dustin allowed himself to sit back on the couch, he felt like a prick, he should've watched his tone. Yet at the same time, it doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. Every day felt like a constant cycle of waiting for it to pass, for it to get better, but it hasn't. It's gotten harder. Every day is the same exact shit. And it won't stop.
It. Never. Fucking. Stops.
He just wanted to breathe. A minute to stop the drowning and finally come to the surface. It was all so overwhelming and he was alone, he had to go through this alone. If only it would stop. Everything would stop.
“Look, I'm not going to give you drugs, kid. I'm sorry- I just can't do that to you. This isn't better but, a beer? Just half of it. I don't even want you having this but I'd rather you drink it with me here. So I know you're safe.” Eddie took a seat beside him and handed him the bottle. “What's going on? You're not into any of this shit. Are you ok? I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.”
“Nothings going on. Thank you for the drink I guess.”
“But Dustin, come on man. What's wrong?-”
“It's not important. Just leave it alone.”
Eddie stopped and repositioned himself to face forward, dropping the subject.
It was uncomfortable. In a way, it hurt. He told him to stop asking but…he wanted to tell him. He wanted to open up, for someone to try and help him. It was his fault though. He wanted someone to see him. To see the agony that he felt every day. To feel the pain he felt when another day came. To know what it's like to wake up every day after begging for it to be the last…but the thing was, he had no reason to feel like that. He didn't lose a brother or have an unhappy family- sure his dad wasn't around but it isn't a big deal. He has no reason to feel so shitty. People have it worse. He was just being selfish.
“Kid. I know you said to leave it alone but…I really care about you, man. I don't know if it has to do with everything that happened but we can talk about it. That still fucks with me too. I'm here, we can talk about anything.”
Dustin opened his mouth to speak before a knock on the door interrupted him.
“Shit- sorry. One second ok?”
Dustin nodded, sipping from the drink, which was disgusting.
Maybe he shouldn't say anything. Eddie’s a nice guy, he knows him as the fighter, the positive and confident kid he DMs for. He doesn't back down from a fight. He always laughs and makes others do the same. He shouldn't let him know otherwise.
“Come in, he's right here.”
Dustin turns around to see Steve, an unwanted surprise.
He looks at Eddie, glaring for a moment.
“Why is he here? I thought it was going to just be us? Do you hate being with me that much? Am I not good enough to be around? I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Dustin- wait. It’s not that at all- I just- I think you need him more than me. I know he can help.”
“Help with what? What can he help me with, Eddie? Huh?”
“I mean- you’re good friends. He can help you with what you need-”
“Oh, ok. Can he really help me? Do you even know what’s wrong? This isn’t some bat he can kill. This isn’t some game you can control. Thanks for the help but-“ Dustin softens his tone, acknowledging the bitterness it left, “but this isn’t something you should deal with. I’m sorry I came here. I’m sorry you came here, Steve. I’m sorry I even bothered you guys with this. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just- I should’ve just stayed home. I’m so dumb sometimes I-“
Maybe it was the tension but it was all too much. He turns away, pulling his knees to his chest, and hides his face. He didn’t want them to see him crying. He couldn’t let them.
The two boys came to Dustin’s aid, hugging him.
“I’m sorry I was mean. I’m sorry I asked for stupid things. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Every day is so hard. It’s so hard to wake up every day and do anything. I just want to be happy- I want to be happy so badly. I just- I can't do it. I'm so sad. I'm so tired. I'm so tired all the time. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I wish I could just sleep forever. I know it's stupid- I mean everyone has actual problems and I'm just dumb, my brain is stupid. I have no right to feel like this- I don't deserve to allow myself to get help- to even complain. I'm so so dumb.” he cried, turning around to wrap his arms around the both of them. He let it all out, the pained cries, everything.
His cries were loud and strained, tears stained his cheeks, and the other's shoulders.
He couldn't help it. Everything was so much. It was all too much. He couldn't take it. Showering took so much effort, waking up punched his stomach, and existing in the presence of others raked down his heart. Existing was miserable. He wanted it to end.
He let out another screaming yet strained cry, burying his face in between their arms.
Everything hurt, yet Steve and Eddie being here with him meant the world. He wasn't alone, even if it was for a moment. He wasn't alone. They held him, they cared for him, and he didn't have to cry silently or hide.
“Everythings been so hard- it's been so hard. every day I- I wish I didn't wake up. I always feel so…so hurt. It's so painful. I'm so- so miserable. I'm so lonely. I'm just- just so exhausted. I want it to end. I want everything to end, I want to stop breathing. I just want to- to quit. I just- I give up. I'm done.” he choked out, hugging the two tighter.
“Dustin- don't say that, please don't say that. I- I don't know what I would do if you left. I need you here. We need you here. We're always here, we can help. I love you so much, kid. I can't lose you.” Steve replied, allowing himself to cry.
“Yeah. We care about you- so much. I know I don't show it but I love you man. I want you here. I want to help you in any way I can. Even if it's sitting down and just talking. I'm here. Always.” Eddie hugged back, crying slightly.
It's been so long since they had all cried, especially the older two…yet this hurt, it hurt so badly. If only he could see his true worth. He deserves to be happy, to exist carefree.
“I'm sorry- I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you guys cry- I'm just- I'm so emotional. I'm in so- so much pain.” Dustin began, voice breaking as he let go of the two. “I just- I never wanted to bother you guys. My problems aren't that serious. You're older than me and shouldn't have to deal with some kid. Everyone else has their stuff going on- I just. I felt like I could never reach out- like I shouldn't bother the others. I'm the person they rely on. I'm the happy person- everyone knows they can talk to me if they need help. I just- I'm not the one who needs help.”
The older boys didn't let go of the hug, however, they pulled him in between them, crying as they held him.
The group's cry was raw and pure pain.
“No- you don't have to be strong- you never have to be strong. You're still a kid Dustin. You're still so young- you don't have to lie. Not to us. We love you so fucking much. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I hate seeing you in so much pain. You don't deserve this- you don't deserve what happened to you. You're so young- so full of potential. You have so much to live for.” Steve sobbed, “you're worth it. Every penny. You're worth everything I have Dustin. I'm here for you, even if it's a shoulder to cry on or a ride or even to watch some nerdy movie I've never heard of.”
Dustin laughed breathlessly, digging his nails into their shirts, and cried silently.
“He's right. You don't have to do anything for any of us. You owe it to yourself. You deserve to be happy- you deserve to be honest. We all need help sometimes and that's ok. It's ok to reach out. Fuck- I love you so fucking much kid.” Eddie openly cried, ruffling Dustin's hair. “I care about you. If anything were to happen to you- I’d fucking break, man. I can't let that happen. We care about you, whether you believe it or not. We are always here, please- please reach out to us. To anyone. We can't lose you.”
Dustin cried, calmer this time. He still let out strained noises but they were almost relieving. They cared. Someone actually cared. He didn't need to go through this alone. It can get better- it will get better.
For the first time in years...he felt safe. In Steve and Eddie’s arms, he was safe.
He could do it. He could get better. He was loved and he finally felt it.