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Love. He used to believe in it, before Russia, before he was forcefully cracked open and stitched back together stronger, and more powerful. Before he came back to the land of the living and it became a silly little notion that he bitterly scoffed at; love never did him any good. The ones he loved were the first ones to betray him, and eventually everything and everyone left and forgot him. After what happened with Crimson Countess he made himself the promise that he would never let anybody become more than a warm body to lose himself in.
A promise he successfully kept until he got placed in Texas and met ranger extraordinaire, Cordell Walker. When he first arrived in the state everyone skirted around him, gawking at him from a distance, barely concealed whispers and murmurings following where he went. Some praiseful, a lot fearful of his new gained abilities. But not Cordell, he jumped at the opportunity to be partnered up and work together. From the moment the ranger strode those long legs into the Captain's office dimpled smile on full display Soldier Boy knew he would have him.
Feelings, however, were never meant to be part of the equation. .
In the same breath that he was told of the kidnapping he was told he had to stay put. Some bullshit excuse about how this was now in the FBI's hands and they were weary to bring in a supe. He grit his teeth, and nodded along then dared everyone in the room to try and stop him. Nobody was stupid enough.
He calls in favors, uses his name as leverage, and where that doesn’t work he bloodies his knuckles and doesn’t pull his punches. He leaves a trail of blood and destruction in his path that will be a mess to clean up but within a week's time he finds his way to Cordell.
He shouldn’t be here. The hospital feels suffocating, the machine’s beeping too loud, the white lights glaring- he feels as if he’s drowning into the hospital chair, the soft sports jersey and sweats Cordells family brought for him - ‘These are some of Cordell’s old clothes. They should fit you.’ - weighing him down. He’s itching to run away. Wants to stop feeling the curious stares of family, friends and colleagues who don’t yet know of his place in Cordell’s life. He wants to do stupid shit like hold the Texans hand and ask him to come back to him because otherwise he’ll fly his ass back to Russia and put himself back under.
But he doesn’t do any of that. Instead, he stays by Cordell’s side vigilant for the slightest change, he forces Vought’s hands into flying in the best doctors and getting the FBI off his back, he dodges the stares and the questions limiting his conversation to polite thank you’s to Cordell’s mother when she offers him food and drink and quietly declining when someone offers to take over so he can get some rest.
It takes three days, that feel infinitely longer, for Cordell to wake up. It’s late, everybody else has long been sent home but him. The moonlight streaming through the window is the only light in the room when those sunflower eyes open landing on the slumped over superhero. His voice scratch-y and rough no louder than a whisper, “Ben?”
Hours later, after doctors have been paged and Cordell checked and double checked and triple checked, all under supe's paranoid supervision. After arguing about telling Cordell’s family right away and Soldier Boy caving in at Cordell’s puppy dog eyes. After a hectic phone call with Cordell’s parents where he had to do most of the talking because the other's throat still hurt. When they’re all alone in the stillness of the night Soldier Boy allows himself a moment of weakness, pressing a gentle kiss to Cordell’s lips and confessing how scared he was not noticing his tears until Cordell wipes them away.
Cordell Walker is going to be his destruction. One of these days he’s going to open his eyes and realize that the love he thought he felt was just lust, and that the man he let into his bed, heart, and soon home is really the big bad wolf and then he’ll walk out of his life to never return. And he’s going to let it happen, he’ll pathetically cling to the “I love you’s” and the affection the ranger so willingly gives and reluctantly steel himself for when things shatter.
“My love for you is going to be the death of me, Cordell Walker.”