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Hyunjin is no athlete. He won’t win any games or contribute much to the group during sports, that just isn’t his thing. While he has great coordination and control of his body, he can’t relate that to objects like what is needed in sports. And rather than trying and failing, he makes a big deal out of not trying.
They’re filming for a variety show, in a field somewhere outside the city of Tokyo. It’s a quick shoot during the day before they have the second show here tonight, the first show being last night. They’ve done a few challenges earlier today, all involving some sort of sport skills that Hyunjin just doesn’t have.
At the moment, they’re split into two teams to play foot volleyball. As far as Hyunjin can tell, that just means kicking a ball over a volleyball net. There are surely other rules too, but he doesn’t get it. When the others tried explaining before they started playing, Hyunjin just got more confused the more they talked, like all the information went in one ear and out the other.
While they’re playing, he keeps an eye on the ball the whole time, making sure to run in the opposite direction like it will hurt him. He had two short bouts of playing football when he was younger. The first time was when he was eight and wanted to be like the other boys, he quit four weeks later when a ball hit him in the stomach and knocked the breath out of him. The second time was two years later, same thing but with the ball straight in the face so hard he swore there were hexagon marks covering his face.
So, when he avoids the ball like he’s scared it will hurt him, it’s because he knows it can. The rest of the group are into the game, running around and throwing themselves at the ball while screaming and yelling at each other in excitement. They’re also laughing at Hyunjin, making it a game to trick him with where the ball is going to see if he’ll be able to avoid it. In turn, Hyunjin dramatically squeals and flails his arms when the ball comes too close for comfort.
Though they have varying degrees of athletic talent and skill, it will be very entertaining to watch. Hyunjin’s inability to do games and sports correctly seem to be something STAYs enjoy watching, and who is he to deny them the pleasure of watching him totally screw it up?
Someone calls for a water break and Hyunjin follows the others to where the water bottles are, grabbing one and practically inhaling the whole thing. It’s a hot summer day, the sun beaming down on them in that intense heat that only come during summer. Where even the wind feels hot and staying in the shadow is about the brightness, not the temperature.
After the break, Hyunjin is a little less observant. The heat is starting to get to him, making him feel a little slow and spacey, the member’s loud voices echoing in his head. He figures that if he just stays near the back, the ball won’t reach him before another member gets to it, attempting to kick it back over the net although that is something they’re all struggling with. Getting the ball high enough off the ground isn’t as easy at it looks, and Hyunjin is not the only hopeless one when it comes to sports.
He notices just how much the heat is getting to him when he feels a little dizzy when turning around. His ears are suddenly ringing, and he tries to blink away the feeling as sways a little. It passes as quickly as it came on, only lasting for a second. Deciding that he shouldn’t wait for a break, he starts to walk back over to the water tent off to the side.
He isn’t paying attention to anything around him, isn’t keeping an unwavering eye on the ball anymore as he thinks they’re too far away to be relevant. So, when Hyunjin is hit hard in the back, with enough force to send him head-first into a metal pole acting as a tent leg, he knows he messed up. It feels like his brain collides with the inside of his skull when his forehead makes contact with the pole. Like a loose item in a box that rattles around when you shake it.
He lands hard on the ground, clutching his forehead, confused and in pain. He knows they’re still filming so he supports his weight on his arms and tries to push himself back up, but his arms feel like jelly, unable to hold him up and he collapses back down.
He tells himself he just needs another minute before getting up, just needs the pain to settle down a little. It’s probably the same as when he hits his elbow on a table corner, nerves going crazy for a few seconds before it passes.
Rather than going away, the pain behind his forehead spreads, pulling at his jaw and shooting down his neck. It’s the kind of pain that makes you curl up and unable to focus on anything else. It’s so all-encompassing he wonders if he’s about to lose consciousness or if that’s just the head trauma.
There’s a persistent ringing in his ears and his scalp feel too tight, head throbbing under the pressure. Hyunjin’s eyes are involuntarily squeezed shut, needing to tune out the world. Every noise, every glimpse of light, every thought, sets of a chain of throbbing all the way from his forehead to the base of his neck.
Determined to get back up and walk it off, he pushes his arms into the ground again, lifting his upper body off the grass. The change of position makes him feel like he’s on a tiny boat in the middle of a stormy ocean, the world going sideways, and causing waves of nausea to wash over him. Landing on the grass again with a thud, he clenches his jaw, forcing down the unsettled feeling in his stomach. This is not good. This is really, really not good, at all.
A moment later, there are hands on him. Someone is touching his shoulder, saying his name in a too loud voice, while someone else is moving around in front of him, squatting down into his field of vision. He sees two shapes of Felix in front of him when he squints up at him, his eyes too blurry to work together.
“Hyunjin.” Minho says again from behind him, rubbing his shoulder. He tries to focus on his friends surrounding him rather than the pain. Suddenly there are too many people crowded around him, too many voices talking on top of each other, too many eyes on him.
“Give him some space.” Felix says sternly, “Guys, seriously.” He waves around with his arms as if to shoo them away. Following the motion with his eyes makes Hyunjin go cross-eyed. As the guys walk away, they don’t block the sun anymore and it pierces Hyunjin’s brain, forcing his eyes tightly shut.
“Hyunjin.” Minho says in a lower voice this time. Hyunjin hears someone groaning and moaning in the rhythm of the throbbing in his head. A light blush spreads over his cheeks when he realizes he’s the one making the noises. Has he been doing that this whole time? Minho pulls carefully at his shoulder, rolling Hyunjin onto his back. The motion makes the world spin even behind his closed eyelids, stomach rolling along with the motion.
“That looked painful.” Felix comments. Somehow Hyunjin manages a small smile in response, you have no idea. “Are you okay?” Hyunjin thinks he shrugs. His eyes are still closed but Felix’s concern is clear in his voice. “Right, stupid question. I didn’t even see what happened, did you?”
“No, I just saw him struggling to get up.” Minho replies, the two of them not even attempting to ask Hyunjin about it. Hyunjin wonders how they didn’t all instantly turn around to see him fall when the sound of his skull against the metal pole rang out across the field. Maybe it echoed louder inside his head. How long did they keep playing before they noticed he wasn’t getting up?
“I really hope that mark isn’t from the fence.” Felix says, his fingers brushing lightly over Hyunjin’s forehead. Oh great, he hit his head hard enough to leave a visible mark, their stylists will not be pleased with that.
“Hyunjin? Did you hit your head?” Minho asks, enunciating every word clearly as if he knows Hyunjin will have trouble processing his words. Hyunjin immediately regrets it when he nods his head, swallowing thickly against the feeling rising in his throat again.
“Do you think you can stand up?” Minho asks and Hyunjin hesitates. He’s quite comfortable staying right here forever. Sure, it’s hot and bright and the ground is hard, but moving is too big of a task. It’s not up to him though. Minho decides for him when he doesn’t answer fast enough for his liking. “Let’s get you to the medics.” Speaking of medics, why haven’t they come rushing here?
Felix and Minho take ahold of one arm each, hauling Hyunjin up in one swift motion. It’s too quickly for Hyunjin’s body, making him so dizzy he feels like he’s falling while holding back the gag pressing at the back of his throat. He feels tears of pain on his cheeks as he’s helpless to stop them.
They support him as all of them start walking in what Hyunjin assumes is the direction of the medics’ tent. He keeps his eyes shut while they walk, but it does next to nothing for the dizziness. The world feels like it’s changing shape, spinning in all different directions. It’s like he’s on the world’s wildest rollercoaster and he can’t get off.
Hyunjin isn’t sure if he can make it all the way to the medics’ tent. His stomach is in his throat, his legs are shaking underneath him and the pain in his head throbs every time he takes a step.
“Feel sick.” He slurs, trying his best to warn them while keeping his mouth as closed as possible. He can feel Felix and Minho exchange a look over his head while they keep walking.
“Are you going to puke?” Minho asks wearily. Hyunjin makes a humming sound, trying to portray the urgency as the need to gag builds. He should have warned them sooner. In fact, he should’ve just stayed on the ground, and this wouldn’t be happening.
“Okay.” “Alright.” They say at the same time, guiding him to the medic’s tent as quickly as they can, practically dragging Hyunjin along. Hyunjin gags dryly, accidentally opening his eyes a little in the process and making the nausea so much worse. It hurts so bad he just wants to curl up on the ground and never move again.
“Hold on, almost there.” Felix says urgently. Hyunjin just hums, feeling helpless against the conflicting sensations in his body. He knows it’s going to hurt so bad to throw up.
They make it to the medics’ tent and Felix and Minho help him sit down on the grass. Not moving anymore momentarily calms the nausea to something more bearable. Felix sits down beside Hyunjin and lets him lean against his side, head on his shoulder and an arm covering his eyes.
Over here, they are closer to the main road where occasional cars will drive past in a loud whoosh of noise, ten times louder than he remembers. Normally he doesn’t pay much attention to background noise, but now it feels like it’s echoing in his brain. He can feel his brain throbbing at the sounds, pushing against the inside of his skull like there isn’t enough space.
He hears someone mumbling intangibly, making him wonder if they’re speaking in a different language or if he just hit his head that hard. He groans again at the thought and pushes down the nausea that just won’t go away.
“Do you remember your name?” Minho asks, crouched down in front of him. Hyunjin’s head doesn’t hurt as much when he opens his eyes this time, seeing Minho’s eyes flicker between Hyunjin and somewhere above his head. Probably a medic telling him what to say.
Hyunjin stays silent for a moment, trying to remember how to speak. “Hyun.” He says slowly, dragging out the ‘n’. He knows that’s only half of his name, Hyunjin, but his mouth is too heavy, so it will have to do.
“Good. And how old are you?” Minho asks. Why can’t Hyunjin understand what the medic is saying? He can hear him speaking, and it sounds somewhat familiar, but he can’t make it out.
“Twenty… something.” He says after a while. He never remembers anyway, and math is not working right now. He doesn’t go around remembering the exact number, sue him.
Felix and Minho laugh at him, and he winces at the sound, groaning again. “Sorry.” Felix says and they stop laughing. The medic switches places with Minho, crouching down in front of Hyunjin and point a flashlight in his face. He holds Hyunjin’s eyelids open when he tries to close them and moves the flashlight in and out of his field of vision in a way that hurts so bad, he wants to scream.
The pain makes the nausea build again and it stays even when the medic straightens up and disappears behind them again. This time he decides to warn Felix before it’s too late. He reaches out to tug at his sleeve, easily getting Felix’s attention.
“Are you okay?” Felix asks and Hyunjin closes his eyes again; it doesn’t do anything to help. He feels just as sick and miserable with them closed as when they were open.
“Nauseous.” He whispers, his voice coming out broken and weak. A shiver goes down his spine at the thought of puking in front of all of them, especially the strangers. No one wants to be in that situation.
Felix seems to be thinking the same thing. “Can we get some space?” He asks, looking over his shoulder at the medics and Minho. His request is heard as everyone leaves the tent, one of the medics handing Hyunjin a sick bag on the way out.
Hyunjin is helpless against the building illness. Being nauseous is such a gross feeling. The sweating and the shivers, feeling like he can’t move, or he’ll fall apart. He just wants to throw up and be done with it. But his body has other plans, taking its sweet time.
He moves so he’s sitting cross legged, leaning over his lap to relieve some of the strain in his legs and lower back. He rests his hands on his knees, keeping the sick bag open and ready in one of the hands. Felix stays close, rubbing Hyunjin’s neck and staying quiet to avoid overwhelming Hyunjin.
Hyunjin lets out a whine when the nausea finally peaks, lifting the sick bag up to his mouth as he starts gagging. He lets his body take full control, surrendering to the illness so it will be over sooner. Felix runs his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair just the way he likes as he gathers it at the back of his neck to keep it out of his face, his other hand on Hyunjin’s chest to hold him up.
The movements and strain of throwing up goes straight to his head, feeling like something pops when he heaves. He pitches forward with each gag, feeling Felix’s hand on his chest holding him in place so he doesn’t fall over from the dizziness. It’s a vicious circle of the puking making the pain worse, and the pain making the nausea worse.
He feels bad for Felix who has to listen to the disgusting noises he’s making, but he would rather that than be alone. When it stops, Hyunjin is out of breath, but he feels a little better. His stomach feels more settled, his vision has stopped blurring, and his pain has settled into a bad headache.
“Just relax, but don’t fall asleep yet.” Felix whispers and takes the sick bag from him, tying it closed and setting it to the side. Hyunjin lays down on the ground, resting his head in Felix’s lap. He tries to relax, to let go of the tension is his muscles, but his head hurts too much. Felix keeps playing with his hair, helping him relax.
Then someone talking to him again and when he opens his eyes this time, another medic is crouched down in front of them. He’s got a warm smile as he talks, but Hyunjin can’t make out the words.
“Huh?” He tries to ask, focusing everything he has on the voice. The ringing in his ears is starting to annoy him. He just wants all the noise to stop so he can go to sleep for a week, at least.
“How are you feeling?” Felix asks, and this time Hyunjin understands perfectly.
“Mmmh.” He just moans, hoping the sound does justice to how bad he feels. The world is spinning around him, the ground moving like waves.
“Do you know where you are?” Minho asks this time, continuing with the questionnaire as instructed by a medic.
“On the ground.” Hyunjin slurs. Can’t they see that? He is exhausted from doing this much talking, he would like to shut up now.
“Yeah, but where?” Minho asks, they thankfully hold back their laughter this time. Hyunjin looks at him blankly for a moment, searching for the name of the city in his mind. He remembers that they’re on tour, filming between shows.
“Uhh… Tokyo?” Oh, right, that’s why he can’t make out what the medics are saying, they’re speaking in Japanese accented English to communicate. Hyunjin’s brain is not online enough to translate what they say into Korean to understand.
Minho and the medic speak for a while and Hyunjin can’t understand a single word. He wonders if this is how international STAYs feel when they watch Stray Kids videos. Completely lost as everything sounds like gibberish, like it can’t even actually be a language, it’s so confusing and foreign to listen to.
“They say you have a mild concussion, but they want to take you to the hospital to get checked out just to be sure.” Minho explains and Felix’s arms tighten a little around Hyunjin’s waist.
“What about filming? The concert?” Hyunjin says, feeling like he has to push the words out with force in order to speak. He can’t take the day off just because he hit his head. He has to be on stage tonight, has to finish filming.
“That doesn’t matter, Hyun-ie.” Felix says.
“We already talked to the crew; they have enough footage to make it work.” Minho reassures him. Just then, the other guys come swarming over like a herd of wild animals reuniting with their strays.
“Oh my god, what happened?” Jeongin says with frantic worry. “Are you okay?” Seungmin says with deep concern. “I saw you fall, but I just laughed, I’m a terrible person.” Jisung says with shame. They’re all talking loudly on top of each other and Hyunjin is in too much pain to listen.
“Shut the fuck up!” Hyunjin jumps at Minho’s loud voice, groaning at the pain it causes, but the place goes blissfully silent. He can barely see the guys through squinting eyes and blinding sunlight. It burns his eyes, sending lightning of pain into his brain so he drapes his arms across his eyes, shielding them from the light as he turns his face toward Felix’s abdomen. His thigh presses into Hyunjin’s head just the right way to alleviate some of the pain.
“He has a concussion.” Felix explains, met by a loud “What?” from Chan who immediately apologizes when Hyunjin moans in pain again.
The group talks silently, planning how to go about the next few hours they have before the show tonight. They decide that Felix and Chan will go to the hospital with Hyunjin while the others finish up here before meeting at the venue.
“Alright, you ready to get to the car?” Chan asks, waiting for Hyunjin’s nod before him and Felix help him stand up. The dizziness is overwhelming, but at least his stomach is calmer. He stumbles over his own feet, falling into Felix’s side as the world tilts. It’s so weird how gravity seems completely irrelevant in the face of dizziness. Walking with his eyes closed seems to be the best way to go about this.
In the car, they help him lay his seat down, allowing him to close his eyes and rest during the car ride to the hospital. The car has blacked out windows, gracefully shielding him from the bright sunlight and the drives has put the air conditioner on full blast at Felix’s request.
“Awake?” Felix keeps asking. They were told that Hyunjin can sleep if he wants to, he’s awake and talking to them, so there’s no danger in letting him sleep. But he’s just so damn hard to wake up once he falls asleep, he understands why Felix wants to keep him awake.
Once at the hospital, his friends lead him inside while his eyes are closed again, getting taken into a private room right away. Then they take him to get an MRI and that has to be the loudest thing he’s ever heard. It bangs and clicks and booms, piercing his ears like daggers, but he stays completely still with the knowledge that he has to do it again if he doesn’t.
They don’t find anything surprising on the scan, diagnosing him with a mild concussion. He’s prescribed over the counter pain killers as needed, and rest for seven to ten days while he recovers. He’s told not to go anywhere alone in case he gets dizzy and falls and to avoid screens and loud noises to help speed the recovery along.
The worst part is that Hyunjin is told he has to sit out tonight’s show. He just nods at the doctor, giving no reaction to his words. It’s only after the doctor has left that the gravity of the situation sets in. Hyunjin doesn’t speak a word as he’s discharged, during the car ride to the arena or when they join the others backstage, just walks over to the nearest couch and lies down facing the back rest.
There’s no way he can do the show even with just a mild concussion. They told him that if he doesn’t sit this one out, he might make it worse and need more time to recover down the line, leading to more missed shows. Hyunjin isn’t sure how true that is, but it made the choice easier. One show now versus two or three later, it’s not even a question. If he sits this one out, he has just enough time to recover before they leave for the US in ten days.
But he can’t help but feel like it’s his own fault that he fell. He wasn’t paying attention, wasn’t keeping on top of his hydration and he knows he easily gets dehydrated. It was all an unfortunate series of events, but Hyunjin could’ve avoided it and that annoys him beyond belief. And maybe it’s easier to be mad at himself than to feel the guilt underneath.
“Hyun-ie?” Felix sits down on the edge of the couch, resting a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder. Hyunjin closes his eyes when he hears him, willing him to go away so he can sulk in piece. He’s sad and dizzy and in pain, he just wants to sleep.
“Please talk to me.” Felix says, voice soft as his hand strokes up and down Hyunjin’s arm. Hyunjin thinks that it should’ve been that arm that got hurt. If he hurt anything other than his head, he would be able to do the show.
“And say what?” Hyunjin says, hating the way his voice cracks. He wants to be angry, to scream and yell at them to leave him alone, but he’s just sad and he feels like crying.
“Whatever you need to.” Felix says and Hyunjin huffs, if only it was that easy. Just say what’s on your mind and it’ll all be okay.
“I don’t need to say anything, I just need my head to stop spinning.” He didn’t think about the double meaning in that statement until he heard it out loud. Both interpretations are true, it would be great of the dizziness let up too.
“Oh, Hyun-ie.” Felix’s words go straight to the lump in Hyunjin’s throat. He lies down on the couch behind Hyunjin, fitting his body into him and snaking his arms around Hyunjin’s chest to hold him close. “I know your instinct is to blame yourself, but this wasn’t your fault.” He half-whispers into Hyunjin’s neck.
“Like hell, it isn’t.” Hyunjin snorts, unconvinced.
“Okay, so you got dehydrated and fell. Han-ie kicked the ball at you, some guy put the pole right there and I didn’t see that you didn’t feel well, Minho even laughed when he saw you struggling to get up before he understood what was happening. Is it all of our faults too?” Felix asks, and Hyunjin has to give it to him, the logic is good. He doesn’t reply, too deep in thought.
“Of course, it isn’t, because none of us could’ve known that this would happen.” Felix continues. “Sometimes these things just happen and it’s no one’s fault, it’s just an accident. You didn’t blame me when I hurt my back right?”
“That was different.” Hyunjin says automatically. Felix developed an injury over time, Hyunjin got a head injury from not drinking enough water. They can’t be compared.
“A herniated disk happens when the disc is worn down over time. That literally means that something in the way that I danced or walked or sat or slept or anything, caused it. I didn’t know it would happen, but I caused it in some way. So tell me, how was that different?”
And maybe Felix gets it, maybe he knows exactly how Hyunjin feels about this whole situation. He hurt himself too, a stupid mistake he wasn’t aware of until it was too late. It had similar consequences, sitting out shows, limiting his activities for a while.
Hyunjin turns around in his arms, so they’re laying face to face, so close on the small couch that Hyunjin goes a little cross eyed when he tries to look at Felix’s face. Ducking under the other’s chin, Hyunjin presses his aching forehead into Felix’s chest.
“Okay.” He simply says and Felix hums, satisfied. Maybe it wasn’t his fault just because he played part in the reason why it happened. Hyunjin yawns, somehow pulling Felix even closer.
“You should sleep.” Felix says, and Hyunjin gladly accepts, finally allowing himself to drift off and escape the pain.