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Panic.
Sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.
The causes for extreme panic are endless, whether it’d be sexual assault, any form of abuse, or perhaps something else traumatic that stays inside of one’s mind. The anxiety becomes a train wreck that’s constantly on playback to torment the mind, from a young, innocent child to a grown, aware adult.
Kuai, well enough, was having nights of sleep paralysis. Terrible memories of cyberization to him and his clan haunted his head to the brink that it became hard to even sleep. What once were serene rests turned into endless nights of torment and anguish. The cryomancer would spend his nights unable to move, unable to think…
…unable to process his thoughts.
The thoughts would stir toxins in his stomach, making Kuai feel sick bad enough to the point where he’d rush to the bathroom and throw up inside of the toilet. In the process of forcing his panic out, Kuai would hyperventilate, nearly at the peak of screaming and crying. When overwhelmed enough, Kuai started to burst out in tears, the paralysis stabbing his brain over and over again like a long blade was digging into the nerves of his brain.
The cycle of torture just kept on happening over and over again. Kuai, in bed, would be staring at the areas of his room, staring at a melting conglomeration of the people he feared. The hallucination would walk to Kuai’s bed, a sort of blade in hand, ready to stab or cut him open. If it wasn’t a blade, it was a circular saw, buzzing violently.
If it wasn’t a saw,
It was hellfire, burning passionately, waiting to melt Kuai’s flesh like leather.
Tears would prick at the corner of his eyes as he made silent prayers to not let this hallucination become real. Mentioned, Kuai was unable to move, his body stuck, trapped. If he could move during these parts of his nights, he would be twitching madly in dread, trying to make a run for the door.
Eventually, when Kuai felt like he would die, the hallucinations would stop.
He could finally move again.
But nights like these caused the cryomancer to drastically lose more sleep, eye bags bigger and darker by the day. He’d attempt to shake it off and tell everyone that he was fine, but it was a terrible defeat against him. His voice cracks would give themselves away, escalating the worries of his fellow friends.
Even his husband.
His lack of self care earned chides from Hanzo, who was desperate for Kuai to stay healthy in every way possible. However, with sleep paralysis and fear of even resting well, it wasn’t as straightforward and simple as someone would say it’d be to just…simply get some sleep.
Tonight was another one of those nights…
Kuai was in his room, alone, staring at a blank ceiling. His heart rate accelerated every second to minute from the time passed. The sound of rain pellets hitting his window was the only thing keeping him awake despite the angry winds and thunder from the current storm. It was so dark that Kuai couldn’t even bear to make a single move. His stomach twisted maddeningly that it was making him feel ill.
Flashes of Lin Kuei corpses being cyberized played in his vision. Corpses became his own body being cyberized, then Bi-Han’s livid stare, then Sektor’s arm, and so many other images. He couldn’t escape from the damn flashbacks that he was starting to hyperventilate, a thick layer of ice threatening to break over his arms. The ice was colder than normal as he felt himself shivering, trying to cover his arms to bear with the interrogating chill in his veins.
But he couldn’t move. He was stuck.
Once again…
The loud crackles of thunder screamed throughout the night. The flashes of lightning was the only source of light despite the dimly lit candle on the side of his beside drawer, the small flame doing its best to hang in there with Kuai’s current situation.
In the unfair darkness, two silhouettes made their way toward the troubled man who was on the brink of tears. Kuai’s eyes and throat stung with the feeling of cries threatening to escape him. For fucks sake, it hurt to do literally anything in this damn moment.
The silhouettes eventually hovered themselves over Kuai’s figure.
Kuai’s eyes squinted as he tried to finger out who’s silhouette was who’s.
Very slowly, but surely, the silhouettes came into true color, the blackness of the darkness fading away from the two once hidden figures. Kuai’s heart was beating fast as he made forceful eye contact with Sektor and Scorpion, their gazes predatory. The stuck man made a low whimper in his throat as he once again saw the murderous, uncontainable hellfire and Sektor’s same damn saw, waiting to cut him open.
This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t real.
You’ll be okay. The thoughts poured in Kuai’s head like a mantra, attempting to drop the anxiety.
As clear as day, Scorpion’s hellfire was burning stronger, the wraith’s fists wreathed and drowned in intense heat. One of the fists made contact with Kuai’s face, but not hurting him, yet the force of the punch looked and felt too real for his liking. Several punches were thrown to his face, mainly targeting the bones he could break and skin he could burn.
Scorpion’s masked face was glowing devious of mischief as his two hands were now holding Kuai down by his throat, cutting off the airway drastically. The force was strong that the cryomancer could swear his face was hurting from the pressure of the rushing blood.
“Cut him open.” The murder in Scorpion’s voice was not stuttering and faltering at all. Kuai’s eyes were blown wide with trepidation.
Sektor’s head nodded with pleasure as he let the saw start buzzing, the sound storming its way into Kuai ears, becoming sensitive to the loudness of the dastardly circular blade. Sektor begun lowering his arm to start his mission into cutting Kuai up, the troubled man immediately shutting his eyes. “This will only hurt a bit, Tundra.”
You’re not going to die. You’re just hallucinating.
Kuai’s thoughts were growing red hot as his process of thinking was thrown out of the window. His mind was racing all over the place, panic washing over the Grandmaster as he continued to lay motionless on the bed.
This wasn’t new, yet Kuai was always so afraid of feeling like he was going to die from these paralyzing apparitions. Just the thought of his own death playing in his head made him want to fucking scream in horror.
Kuai felt himself bracing for the saw until he had opened his eyes to see nothing. Despite the relief, the panic had begun once again, draining the blood from his head. He still felt like some evil force was out to kill him. Out to murder him, like the force was stalking him like a helpless rabbit.
The young cryomancer wanted to yell out for help, but it only came out in a deceased whisper. Kuai trembled, tears falling down his face that was now slowly freezing up from his own ice. The blanket didn’t help warming him up. He froze up some of it in the process of his panic. His breathing was off balance and he had started to cry, the feeling in his stomach stirring around madly.
The feeling just went up…
Up…
Up…
Up until Kuai’s throat had become full.
Gaining enough momentum to get out of the damned bed, the Grandmaster rushed his way to the bathroom as he felt himself about to vomit. Kuai opened the toilet bowl with haste, immediately getting on his knees and hovering his head above the toilet, his throat forcing the unwanted liquid out.
Kuai began to retch, being able to vomit inside of the toilet just in the nick of time. Coughs and gags escaped him, his stomach and throat heating up despite the frigid ice slowly encasing his skin, as if to freeze and consume the whole man alive, his own cryomancy taking advantage of him.
The remains of vomit in his mouth felt disgustingly bitter. Kuai’s face scrunched and twisted as he sat there to continue forcing more of the spewing contents out of him. Vomit eventually turned into blood as the younger man mustered up all of the strength to gag, spit, and regurgitate once more, a heavy and stinging cough escaping from him.
At last, he was able to empty the toxic feeling out of his stomach, but he now felt weak, a headache now being Kuai’s next obstacle. His fingertips had slowly begun turning blue from the ice. The pain was so damn unbearable. Such ice under such dangerous temperatures. It hurt so bad that he felt like screaming and crying, but nothing would escape him in a strong effort.
Kuai felt like he was going to die.
At least let me die somewhere other than my temple. Kuai mumbled a thought to himself. He began to shiver more, the ice now eating away at his nerves. His stomach had now begun to get cold. If this was the way he was going to die, this would be the most unexpected and unanticipated death he had ever known.
Slowly kneeling off of the ground, Kuai mustered enough strength to walk out of the bathroom to make a couple of steps in the hallway, trying to run to the door. Slowly, his hands were turning blue from the creeping ice that was spreading and encasing his body in a sheen of close death. Pricks of blue were now covering his face as well.
It had never hurt so bad to move.
He was naturally cold, yes, but this was so different from his normal life as a cryomancer. It was like a curse now that he was slowly weakening from his own gifted power. The power that he yielded to protect himself and others was now turning itself on him, feeding off of Kuai’s dread.
Stepping foot outside was just as bad. The rain had fallen harder and the thunder had grown more louder. The snow below him made quiet crunches as he slowly stepped away from his temple, a once safe haven of his dignity. Now it was tainted with fears and past regrets of everything that had happened in his life.
Cold rain pellets hit Kuai’s skin, adding a sting that was just as bad as the ice freezing his skin against his will. Kuai hugged himself as a brief attempt to gain some warmth. But nothing sufficed for him. The ice just kept continuing to corrupt him. The storm’s winds had picked up their speed as well, blowing his weak figure around like a rag doll. Kuai's lip quivered from not only the cold, but trying to maintain balance in the wickedness of the storm.
”Help…” Kuai whimpered out lightly. Of course no one would be able to hear him. Not with this thunder. His slow walks felt like they were caving in on his own body. The more he’d step, the more weaker his body became.
He looked down at his hands.
”No…” The ice had now crept past his wrists. Kuai was hasting himself to find a place to sit, to let the death take him. Puffs of cold air escaped him in shudders. His vision became blurry from the tears welling up in his eyes.
They say that extreme levels of panic and stress can kill you.
This was definitely what this situation was.
Death by panic.
White noise flooded the man’s ears by the minute, a sharp ring in his ears. It sounded like a flatline, his own heart feeling like it could become just that in a matter of seconds.
Aside from the white noise, something else was making itself known in his ears. “…uai!”
Kuai couldn’t bring himself to even listen to anything anymore. He was frigid from his own fears and own anxiety. He was colder than ever before, colder than how people portrayed him as. “…Kuai!”
The voice became louder, but Kuai was still not paying any attention to the voice calling out for him: What good would it make anyway? I’m just going to die in the middle of the forest, with no one here to help me.
”Kuai Liang!” The voice was extremely clear now. It felt like a nerve had snapped in Kuai’s head that he finally found the gall to turn his head to face the man running towards him, a worried look smeared all over his face. Kuai’s eyes trembled wide as he saw Hanzo pushing every ounce of adrenaline to make his way to his husband.
Untroubled by his accelerated heart rate, Hanzo stopped in front of Kuai, immediately pulling him into an embrace. He could feel how cold Kuai was right now. The ice was now past Kuai’s elbows and cheeks, his lips barely full of color. The prickles of the ice stunned him greatly. Looking at his arms and his face, the pyromancer’s hands were all over him.
”Kuai! My love! I’m here.” Hanzo panted a whisper in his ear, holding onto Kuai like he was his own lifeline. For fucks sake, the scene in front of him was horrifying. Just seeing the ice encasing his lover was bringing back memories of his former wife and son. To see Kuai’s own ice taking advantage of him was disheartening.
”What happened, my heart? You’re so cold.” Hanzo whispered in worry. Kuai was way too frostbitten and cold to even form a proper sentence to respond to the question. His bones were completely frosted as it became nearly impossible to move. All he could do was tremble and try not to collapse in Hanzo’s arms.
”H-Home.” Was all that Kuai could whisper, the desperation in his voice low but strong. Hanzo nodded and gripped onto Kuai tightly, not letting go. A tornado of flame ensconced the two Grandmasters as Hanzo teleported them out of the storm and back to Hanzo’s own temple, away from the drastic cold and out of the storm.
Once inside of Hanzo’s room, the frozen Kuai was in his arms. Almost everything of Kuai was covered in ice, freezing him for all he was worth.
Hanzo walked to the bed and gently placed Kuai on the mattress, immediately following behind and sitting in front of Kuai.
Putting a blanket over Kuai”s shoulders, Hanzo gently placed his hands on Kuai’s cheeks, desperate for Kuai to not freeze fully and die on him right then and there. “What happened, my dear love? You’re covered in your own ice and there’s enormous eye bags underneath your eyes.” Hanzo’s analysis was too good. Kuai had no choice but to answer and be completely open and honest.
”P-Paralysis. I-I threw u-up and panicked.” Kuai was still trembling and shaking madly. The panic was at its breaking point but Kuai did everything in his power to calm himself down. Anything to not freeze on Hanzo right now.
”Anything new or different?” Hanzo asked, deeply massaging Kuai’s face. The frostbite and his warm hands had shocked Kuai, hurting him in the process. Kuai let out a small hiss at the pain and Hanzo immediately stopped, just pulling Kuai closer to him as a more gentle approach.
”S-Sektor a-and there was y-y-you.” Kuai felt his pulse slow down just a bit as he let that memory expose itself for Hanzo to hear.
Hanzo’s eyes blew open as he held the man gentle, yet firmly, wrapping one arm around Kuai’s waist and the other around his back, placing his hand on Kuai’s head. A small weep escaped Hanzo as he then buried his head in the crook of Kuai’s neck, hot tears spilling from his eyes as they fell on the cryomancer’s shoulders.
The man he was hugging felt like an ice cube at the moment, but that was something Hanzo could care less about. His husband’s life would’ve been completely taken away from him, had he not appeared just in time in the forest.
”That ‘me’ wasn’t me, Kuai. It was Scorpion. That’s the only part that’ll try and kill you. My past rage.” Hanzo mumbled in a sigh. Though Kuai was still shivering, he felt a light reassurance from that statement and the hug. He breathed slow, relaxation slowly coming to him.
No matter what these two went through, Hasashi and Liang would do anything to assist each other. It was a promise the two made a long time ago they’d kept to this day. To Hell and back, the Grandmasters would sacrifice themselves through anything, any phenomenon just to reach to the other and make sure they would never be harmed.
Despite the warm hug traveling its way through Kuai’s frigid veins, a lingering feeling of doubt was still weighting itself on Kuai’s shoulders. “Why did y-you come back for me? Haven’t I done enough trouble, especially for you?”
Hanzo’s heart actually sunk on that question. He never did anything wrong to make him mad. He loved the cryomancer to bits and pieces! Hanzo hands went back to softly holding Kuai’s frosted cheeks. The ice had went away, but only by a small amount. His arms were still dangerously frozen.
”Whatever do you mean, my love? You’re perfect. You’ve always been perfect. What makes you think such a way?” Hanzo just had to know. He wouldn’t allow such self-misdemeanor from his own lover to himself.
”Bi-Han, when we were kids, said that I-I would never be good enough. That l would make t-too many mistakes and fuck up everybody’s lives.” From cyberization to even the smallest minor mistakes that didn’t even bother Hanzo, Kuai always sought himself as a burden for all the mistakes he’s done, like there was no redemption for him.
Hanzo shook his head in disbelief. How long had Kuai felt like this? It was- no. It is the hardest thing the pyromancer could ever hear. Hanzo was then back to wrapping himself around Kuai.
Anything to snuggle close and thaw his frozen heart from its evil ice.
”I’ve yet to think of anything you could’ve possibly done that would’ve pissed me off.” Hanzo countered sternly. He slowly stroked Kuai’s hair in hopes that Kuai could feel relaxed from it.
”You’ve never done anything bad or wrong that made me angry towards you. You’re so…determined. You fight for such good that there’s no flaws that I see from you. If anything, whatever deaths happened in your clan was not your fault.” Hanzo mumbled in Kuai’s ear, making sure Kuai could hear every bit of honesty in his words.
Kuai couldn’t bring himself to counter Hanzo’s statement, because he was right. Even though the clan’s cyberization was because of Sektor, he still felt it was his fault because he wasn’t there to save the warriors that were kidnapped from his own temple.
Kuai was able to lift his arms just enough to wrap them around Hanzo, pulling himself into the embrace. They locked together like a magnet, the positive and negative charges attracting and pulling each other close to stick.
Kuai looked down at his arms. The ice was slowly melting off of him. Just Hanzo’s presence alone could stimulate his relaxation and make himself sure that he’d be safe. Gently, Hanzo rocked the two of them side to side, providing as much comfort he possibly could to the cryomancer.
Cradling Kuai’s face yet again, Hanzo smiled in utter sorrow yet love and affection, something other than fire that burned passionately from Hanzo’s core. “I love you,” Hanzo placed his forehead to Kuai’s and stood there, letting gentle heat emit from his figure and surround Kuai in an additional blanket to the one draped on his shoulders. Placing a kiss to Kuai’s temple, he whispered. “So much.”
Kuai felt himself about to cry again as he practically threw himself onto Hanzo, snuggling as close he could possibly get in this moment.
The two just sat in silence despite the tears and occasional weeps that escaped from them. The gentle whooshes of warm wind outside Hanzo’s temple was much better and calming than the stormy environment back at Kuai’s own temple.
He had never felt so safe.
So loved.
So free.
The ice may be still freezing him for now, but with Hanzo at his presence, the time and care will be taken into consideration into melting Kuai of his frozen shackles.
The things that Hanzo would do to save his frozen soul.