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In the months that followed the shooting, Buck felt like he was drifting. He was busier than ever (working extra shifts, helping out with the Diazes, taking care of Jee-Yun when Maddie and Chimney needed a break), but there was a part of his mind that didn’t stop wondering, what if.
Not, what if Eddie had bled out on the road, or what if he wasn’t there that day. No, more like, what if he had been able to do more.
It was something that became an itch. He wasn’t about to give up being a firefighter; that wasn’t about to happen in this lifetime. He had fought too hard to get back to where he was just to walk away. But there was something that he could do.
Once things finally started calming down, Buck made a decision. But it wasn’t something that he could do himself, no matter how much he wanted to keep things quiet. He would need some help with this.
So, about six months after the shooting, after Bobby and Eddie were back at work and their shift was back at full strength, Buck pulled Hen aside at the end of a short shift.
“I need a favor,” he quietly asked, hands stuffed in his pockets.
Hen gave him a once over. While Buck was looking better physically (less pale, finally sitting down to eat instead of getting something in between running between his overscheduled life, sleeping more than two hours off shift), it was clear that whatever was on his mind was weighing him down. He stood in a way that made him look so much smaller than his 6’2” frame. Every ounce of him resonated that he was nervous about whether or not he would get an answer that he would be comfortable with.
One of her biggest regrets was that Buck took on as much as he could, so that she could keep up with her med school studies. So, while he was losing his mind, she had her nose in a book, filling it with as much medical knowledge as she could. At this point, she owed him a lot.
“What do you need, Buck?” Hen asked.
“Do you still have your Paramedic textbook?” The hesitancy in his voice was still off putting, but she finally got it.
“You want to study to be a paramedic?” He gave a small nod, still looking uncomfortable. “I think mine is in my locker. If not, it’s at home. Stay here for just a moment, okay?”
She immediately rushed off to her locker, not giving him a moment to argue with her. Luckily, they had been just outside of the women’s locker room, so taking the moment to sneak in to grab the book that she knew was inside was easy and painless.
Her copy of the paramedic’s textbook was well-worn and full of her own notes and highlights. It would easily be something that would benefit Buck’s studies, if he was taking it seriously. And from the look on his face, she was pretty sure he was.
She took a moment to check when the next round of classes would start before returning to him and handed him the book with a smile on her face. He carefully took it, holding it like it was precious cargo. Which, in a way it was, considering the book normally cost about two hundred bucks.
“Thank you Hen. Can you keep this between us for a bit?”
Hen nodded. “Absolutely. I just checked, the next round of paramedic training classes will be in two months. You have that time to get ahead. And my phone is always on if you have any questions, okay?”
Buck gave her a small smile, soft and open. “Thanks.” He turned to leave, but paused before he could take the first step. “Hey, you didn’t want to know why I wanted to learn?”
She took a second to think about it before answering. “I figured you would tell me if you wanted me to know.” He blinked. “You keep having doubts, right? That’s my guess. But it’s okay, because I know you’ll still do your best.”
Hen took a second and gave him a quick hug before taking her leave. She knew he was doing what he needed to do.
Buck held off telling anyone else about what he was doing until he absolutely had to. Just in case he decided that studying was not something he was up to doing. But he kept at it during the times he wasn’t with his sister or with Eddie.
The second person he ended up telling was Bobby, because he needed to register for the classes, and he wanted to make sure his shifts wouldn’t overlap. He chose his moment well to talk to him, on a day that he was able to get through all of his assigned chores quickly (and it helped that Eddie wasn’t on the shift).
Bobby had just called him to help with dinner when he got up to the loft, holding the battered textbook in one hand. The captain had immediately noticed the book, but didn’t address it. Instead, he pointed towards the sink, a silent order to wash up.
Buck quickly placed the book out of harm's way and started washing up, before moving to help out with the vegetables.
After working in silence for a few minutes, Bobby finally addressed it. “So. Anything you want to tell me?”
Buck quietly chuckled. “Christopher got a perfect score on his last history test?”
“Buck.” It was the ‘father’ voice that got to him.
“I asked Hen to borrow her textbook. I… I kept thinking back to that moment on the street. I was basically useless. I don’t ever want to feel like that again.” Buck set down his knife as he spoke. His eyes stayed locked on the textbook like it was a lifeline. And in a way, it was.
Bobby stood silent for a moment, processing. Buck had taken on extra responsibilities while he had been recovering from his own wounds. He knew how much stress he had put himself under to keep everyone up and happy. To keep having the feeling of failure…
Of course he would want to learn more to keep everyone he loved safe.
“When do the classes start? I haven’t looked at the training schedule for next month yet,” Bobby asked.
Buck gave him a look of appreciation. “In three weeks. I haven’t actually signed up yet, I wanted to run it by you first before I did, just in case you needed me here more.”
Bobby shook his head. “Buck, I would move your schedule around if it meant you could go to your classes. The same thing I did when Hen got serious about med school.”
“Y-you’re not mad that I decided to do this? Without asking first?” That nervous look had come over him again, reminding Bobby of when Buck was still a probie and finding his feet.
The captain threw back his head in a laugh. “Buck, could I have stopped you from learning if you had asked me first? No, because you know I will always support anyone who wants to further themselves in this job.” He took a second to get his thoughts in order, and continued. “But for you specifically? I want to see you succeed. And this can absolutely help you to do so.”
Buck gave him a tired but proud smile.
“Thanks Bobby. I’ll do my best.”
The next people who found out only did because he had left his textbook and notebook full of notes out on his dining room table.
Carla was bringing Christopher over to spend some time after school with him, while Eddie picked up a half shift as a favor. The only reason Buck didn’t pick up his favorite Diaz was because he’d just gotten out of his first class, and wasn’t sure he’d make it by the time the bell rang.
Carla had stayed for a time, chatting with him over coffee about Christopher’s latest book assigned to him that he didn’t like, while Chris finished up his math homework at the table. As he was working, he realized his pencil had broken, but spied one with Buck’s stuff. So he just reached over to grab it, and saw what Buck was making notes on.
“Bucky? What is all this?”
Buck had quickly turned back around to see what Christopher was pointing at. He took a moment to look heavenward, before answering. “I’m studying to be a paramedic, buddy.”
“Buck Buckley, are you planning on switching careers on us and not tell us?” Carla demanded in a joking fashion.
“No, I wouldn’t be leaving the 118. Just... making sure I can help if I ever need to.” He walked over to Christopher and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Can you guys… not tell your dad yet?”
“Why?” Christopher asked. It was clear that he was confused by the request. They told each other everything. Why would this need to be a secret?
“I want to tell him when I know I’m going to stick with it. I may not like it. Like, when you’re playing a game that your friends tell you is amazing, and you play some of it and decide that you don’t like it. That’s why I’m waiting.” Buck gave him a big grin. “I promise to tell him soon, okay? But if he does ask, it’s okay to tell him.”
“Okay Buck! Can I use your pencil?” Buck handed it over to the youngest Diaz and moved back to Carla.
“And who exactly already knows about this?” Carla asked.
“Hen and Bobby. Hen gave me her textbook, and Bobby had to move a few things around the schedule so that I could make it to my class on time.” Buck kept an eye trained on Christopher as he spoke.
“You planning on telling Eddie any time soon?”
Buck nodded. “At some point I will. But right now…”
It hit the home health aide all at once. Exactly why Buck was doing the training, and why he hadn’t told anyone. “Buck, you know what happened wasn’t your fault. Please tell me you believe that.”
He nodded again, but didn’t look particularly convincing. “Yeah, but I could have done more. I should’ve done more. By learning all this, I’ll be able to, if there’s ever a next time.”
“Don’t go chasing trouble, Buck,” she said, giving him a quick hug before calling out her farewells to Christopher.
Buck turned back to the sink for a moment, shaking his head. He wasn’t chasing trouble. He was actively trying to keep trouble away from them all.
Honestly, the only reason Athena found out about his studies was because she happened to overhear a phone call one afternoon. She and Hen were having one of their wine and catch up afternoons when Buck called Hen with questions from something he’d just read. She wasn’t even trying to listen in, in fact she was pouring more wine for them when she happened to hear his voice through Hen’s speaker.
Once the other woman hung up, she decided to go ahead and ask. After all, he was practically another son to her. “So, what did Buck need?”
“Just… telling me something that he read?” Hen could see that her friend wasn’t going to buy that excuse. “Fine, let me ask if I can say anything. It’s nothing dangerous, he’s just playing this close to his chest right now.”
As Hen quickly texted the firefighter, Athena leaned back in her chair and took a moment to think. What could Buck be doing that he didn’t want anyone to know? And besides that, why did Hen know and not anyone else?
A knock at the door drew her out of her thoughts. It had only been a moment from when their conversation paused. She stood up and pulled the door open, not at all surprised to see a sheepish Evan Buckley standing there, backpack over one shoulder.
“I was in the area?” He said. Athena gave him her patented eye roll before stepping inside and beckoning him to follow.
Hen turned around in her chair at the sight of him. “I thought you had a study group right now, Buck?” She said as they approached.
“We just broke up for the day, I was driving home when I called you. If I’d known you were with Athena, I wouldn’t have interrupted. I know how importing these wine chats are for you two,” he said, coming over and settling down in a free chair. Before he could say another word, Athena set a glass of wine down next to him, giving him a look that clearly read drink it all before you even think of leaving.
“So, what’s going on with you, Buckaroo?”
Buck took a sip of his wine before answering. “I’m taking paramedic courses,” he said bluntly. He didn’t miss the look Athena threw Hen’s way.
“Paramedic courses? Since when,” Athena said.
“I started studying about three months ago, I think? Classes started last week, twice a week. It’s specifically for firefighters looking to get certification as a paramedic.”
The sergeant nodded. “And who exactly knows about this? Besides Hen of course.” She was fishing, and he clearly knew it, because he didn’t bother arguing with her about it.
“Bobby knows, which meant I thought you knew too. Carla and Chris found my notes. I think that’s it? Hen found out first because I asked to borrow her textbook.”
Athena’s eyebrow raised at the short list. “Your sister doesn't know? Or Eddie?” Hen cackled next to her. “I noticed that Chim didn’t make that list, Athena.”
Buck shook his head. “I haven’t had a chance to really speak to Maddie since she got in a better headspace, and Chim hasn’t really spoken to me outside orders on the job or Jee-Yun related in weeks. As for Eddie.... I just haven’t gotten around to telling him.”
Hen coughed. “Wait, Christopher knows and Eddie still doesn’t?”
They both could see Buck shake his head with a laugh. “I still don’t know how Christopher hasn’t said anything. I didn’t bribe him, I swear. I just asked him to keep it a secret for a bit longer. He said he would.”
“Buck, you don’t normally keep big secrets from Eddie,” Athena said, looking at him in concern. “Is everything alright?”
“Yes! Yeah, it is, I swear,” the man said, startled. “I just.. Wanted to wait until I was sure before saying anything.”
“Buckaroo, you’ve used that excuse for four months now. And you still haven’t told him,” Hen deadpanned. She was struggling to keep a disappointed look off of her face, something that Athena wasn’t even bothering to hide.
“Look, if I tell Eddie, he’ll think I’m doing this because of the shooting. And I am, but also not. Because I want to help more people. And I… I don’t want him to worry about me. He has enough on his plate as is.”
Athena shifted to lay a hand on Buck’s knee. “You take on too much sometimes, baby. You need a break as well. Tell him. Maybe he can help you study.”
“Or maybe be a good distraction,” Hen muttered into her glass. Athena gave her a small grin, but they both noticed that Buck seemed to miss the comment.
“I will, I promise. Just… not yet.”
The women shared a nod, and turned the conversation away. “So, what are you working on now? Are my notes helpful at least?” Hen asked.
The animated spark in Buck’s eyes came rushing back from being hidden by his own self-doubt. He was back in his element - talking about the things he was learning with gusto.
Maddie found out the weekend before his final test, almost five months later, after Buck nearly collapsed from exhaustion one evening at her apartment.
He’d been fine all afternoon, but when he finally stood to head back to the Diaz house for dinner, black dots had covered his vision, and his legs gave out from under him before he had reached his full height. When he finally came back to himself, Chimney was there with them, checking his blood pressure with pursed lips. Maddie was suddenly at his head, sweeping his sweaty bangs away from his overheated forehead.
“I’m fine, I’m just tired, I swear,” he grumbled, trying to push them away, but neither would budge.
“Evan, you’re not fine. You just passed out. Now let Howie check over you.” It was the ‘I’m your sister do what I say’ voice that really made him just settle back down and wait until Chim finished his checks.
“You are an idiot,” the older paramedic declared, to Maddie’s snort and Buck’s indigent rage. “Hey!”
“Nope. You don’t get to complain when you work yourself this bad. I’m calling Bobby, you’re getting a mini vacation. You’re off tomorrow, so you’re spending the day here with Maddie and Jee,” Chim said, moving to grab his phone.
Buck sat stewing for a moment, then swore under his breath. Well, no time like any to tell them about what he was doing on his days off.
“Give me my phone at least. I have to let someone know I’m going to be busy with two wonderful ladies tomorrow,” he said, trying to reach around Chim for his phone. Maddie smacked his hand when he got close.
“You can talk to Eddie later, when I call him over to bring pizza. You are not doing anything strenuous for at least the next two days,” Maddie said, before picking up his phone for herself.
“Wait, Maddie, it’s not Eddie that I was going to-”
His phone lit up with a text just as her eyes fell on the screen. “Evan, what’s this about a study group tomorrow?”
Chimney and Maddie both looked at him as he sat in silence for a moment. “I’ve, uh, been taking some extra classes at the academy,” he stuttered out. The looks intensified into glares. “Alright, I’ve been taking paramedic courses, the textbook is in my bag, the written final is in three days, and yes I’m stressing. Okay?”
Maddie’s jaw dropped. “I’m sorry?”
Chimney didn’t even give him a second to respond. “Excuse me, you’re doing what now? Why is this the first time I’ve heard about this? Are you coming for my job or something, Buckley?”
Buck took a quick breath and snapped, “Christ, I’m not coming for your job, Chimney! I’m just trying to do more, to learn everything I can. It’s not all about you. I can still do that, thanks.” He shoved himself up and off the couch, grabbed his bag, and marched to the door. “I’m doing the best I can. Sorry you can’t accept that. I’ll see you at work.”
The door slammed with a note of finality.
Eddie wasn’t expecting Buck for at least another hour or so, so seeing a car pull out outside his house left him uneasy. That is, until Buck hopped out of it, throwing a bag over his shoulder as he went.
He could see clearly from the window that Buck wasn’t happy. In fact, he looked almost sick and exhausted. He stumbled coming up the walk one too many times for Eddie’s liking, so he threw open the door and went to help.
Buck hadn’t been expecting to suddenly nearly run into a wall of toned muscle when he looked down to watch his feet as he walked up the steps. Arms came around him tightly, keeping him from falling over.
“Buck, you look like death warmed over,” Eddie said, getting a closer look at the man before him. “Good idea getting the Uber. You driving right now would be a- shit!” Buck’s legs tried to buckle again. He quickly tightened his grip on the younger man until he was steady again. “Okay, we’re going inside to the couch right now. You’re not cooking, we’re ordering in, deal with it.”
“Okay, cool, horizontal would be nice. I hate everything.”
Eddie quickly tugged one of Buck's arms over his shoulder and basically dragged him inside. Once by the couch, he eased him against the cushions, where Buck immediately crashed into an exhausted sleep.
Once he made sure Buck wasn't going to roll off the couch and that he was okay to leave for a moment, Eddie grabbed his phone and stepped into the kitchen. It only took a moment for his call connected.
“Please tell me he took an Uber and is there safe.”
Eddie paused, glanced at the caller id, and then said, “He’s here safe, Maddie. But he looks like hell. What the hell is going on?”
Over the phone, he heard Maddie let out a sigh. “Oh thank god. He’s pushed himself too much lately, Eddie. Work, helping us all out, and now he’s taking classes to be a paramedic apparently? He collapsed about an hour ago in our apartment. Chimney checked him over, but he stormed out.”
Wait, what? “Hold on, stop,” he said, cutting into her rambles. “First off, you let him leave after he collapsed?”
There was the sound of a phone being passed around, then Chimney’s voice spilled out, “We didn’t let him leave, he left. After dropping the ‘I want to be a paramedic’ bomb on us. Which, thanks for not telling us that. It would have been nice if his own sister had known he was taking those courses.”
“Don’t go blaming me! This is the first time I’ve heard about it. But if he’s studying, he’s doing it for a reason. Did you ask him?”
“Why don’t you, Eddie,” Chim said. “Maybe he’ll be honest with you, since he wasn’t with his own sister.”
Annoyed, Eddie hung up without saying goodbye, before moving over to the couch. Buck had turned himself to face the back cushions, hiding his face into a pillow. But what really gave away the fact that he was awake was that he could hear him softly crying, the sound carrying across the room. Instantly, Eddie’s annoyance evaporated, instead worry filled him.
“Buck?”
The younger man curled minutely tighter. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Hey, I’m not mad. Talk to me? Please?”
Buck rolled over, seeing Eddie sitting on his coffee table, which was something that he normally banned in the house. If that wasn’t proof of his worry, nothing else was.
“I’ve been taking paramedic courses. It’s twice a week, which is why my schedule got shifted. I wanted to. I’m not going to be moving to a different team or anything. It's just another certification. I just… I wanted to learn.”
Eddie could see he was holding back, but he didn’t press him for now. “Can I ask why you didn’t tell me? I would have supported you, you know that.”
“I know. I just… I didn’t say anything originally, because I thought I was doing it because of what happened. But then I sat in my courses every day, and I learned so much, and I didn’t want to stop. I’ll be able to help if anything like that ever happens again. Everyone’s been telling me to tell you. I, uh, I decided to hold off. I was going to tell you when I got my test results. I wanted to surprise you.”
The other man nodded and sat back a bit. “Who else knew? Can I ask?”
Buck shifted, sitting up a bit on a pillow. “Hen knew from day one, since she let me borrow her textbooks and notes. Bobby found out when I asked him to move my schedule around when the in person classes started. Athena is Athena, so you know she has her ways. And the only other people that knew… were Carla and Chris, because they happened to see my stuff.”
Eddie was surprised. “Christopher knew, and didn’t tell me?”
“I asked him not to, but told him that if you asked him, he was totally allowed to tell you. I just… Like I said, I wanted it to be a surprise.” Buck looked worried, like he had overstepped.
He quickly nodded. “Hey, it’s fine. I never asked, and it wasn’t something life threatening. And if Carla knew, that meant that she agreed with you. So it’s okay. You never told Maddie?”
Buck shook his head, glancing away momentarily. “No, because if I told her, she’d tell Chim, and he’d say something that would make me question what I was doing. Which is exactly what happened tonight. He flat out demanded to know if I was coming for his job. Which I’m not, I swear.”
Eddie moved, hands curling onto Buck’s shoulders. “Hey, hey, I understand. Don’t worry. Chim… is being Chim. I’ll deal with that nightmare in the morning. Now, we’re going to order food, watch a movie with Christopher, and then if you want, I’ll quiz you or something out of that textbook.”
Buck gave him a smile. “Yes to the first, yes to the second, no to the third. I think I could use the break. I’ll finish studying in the morning. I still have a couple days until the final.”
“Good. Now, Chinese or Thai?”
To prepare for the written final, Buck had already taken the two days prior off. He spent those days at the Diaz house, rereading his notes and the textbook, with frequent breaks to hang out with Eddie and Christopher. He discovered that he wasn’t stressing out as much as he thought he would be. Instead, everything seemed to be making more sense.
Eddie did have to work one of those days, and he reported via text that Chimney was bitching about him taking courses without, and he quoted, “asking permission from the senior paramedics.” Hen had shot him down about it, and he was sulking.
The day of the test, he woke up on the Diaz’s couch to a Christopher-made card wishing him luck. The young boy had been so happy to not have to keep a secret from his father anymore. He was equally excited to cheer on his Buck when he took his “big test.”
Once he got to the academy, Buck checked his phone one last time. Texts from most of A Shift had come in, all wishing him well, as well as some from B and C shifts. The one good thing about Chim being in the know was that now everyone knew… and supported him.
So he went inside for his final, head held high.
And when he got his official passing scores, the party at Bobby and Athena’s house was worth every moment of stress.