Chapter Text
[Playing file: ren_lol.mp4]
[Date of origin: 07:15, 15/02/2019]
[Length: 11:57]
[Recording transcripted by user cubfan135]
(The camera shakes as it turns on, and continues to wobble throughout the recording.)
Ren: Alright, the meeting is adjourned! Everyone here?
Xisuma: Yep, everyone accounted for except for Mumbo. He didn't show, naturally. [He leans back in his chair.] Ren, remind me why you thought it was a good idea to hold a meeting at seven fifteen in the morning?
Wels: I agree. I think we should all come back here in five hours when it's full light. I'll bring donuts.
Ren: No, we're doing this now! X, I thought you were used to waking up early?
Xisuma: Well, yeah, [deliberate pause and sip of tea], but always for a reason. I think you did this to get back at Wels for falling asleep last session.
Wels: And I'll do it again!
Ren (pleadingly): Guys. Come on. Cub, is the camera rolling?
(The camera dips and flickers a bit.)
Cub (from behind camera): Yep. All's a go.
Ren: [claps hands] Okay, fantastic! Alright, this morning I have put together a powerpoint protection detailing our battle plans.
Doc: How many slides is it?
Ren (checking laptop): Uhh, 47.
[A collective groan sounds from all members in the room.]
Wels (getting up from chair): Nope, I'm out. See y'all in five hours.
Doc: Can you order me chocolate donuts?
False: I'll take the ones with sprinkles on them.
Ren: Guys-
Xisuma: Ren, come on, even I'm better than a 47-slide powerpoint at 7:15 in the morning!
Ren: I edited it together at 3am last night. Please.
Wels (pausing at door): Oh?
Ren: Yeah.
Ren: I actually wasn't going to show up for this meeting myself but then I decided oh, what the heck.
Ren (glancing at the first slide, which is titled "War Plan" and subtitled "by ren"): I don't even remember writing this. [sigh] If you stay, Wels, I'll buy you donuts.
False: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Impulse: Wait, X, do you have a pen? I'll keep tally of the typos.
Xisuma: Sure! [He fishes a pen out of his pocket and hands it to Impulse, who nods thanks and starts heading a small notepad.]
Ren: Oh, sweet God in heaven. Okay. [sigh] Here goes. I'll try to go fast, guys.
[Ren clicks a small electronic remote, and the slide continues to the next point. It's titled "The Plam".]
False (leaning over and whispering to Impulse): Does he even have speaker notes?
Impulse (neatly marking a tally on his notepad): Nope.
Ren: O-okay, so the plan is- the plan is- the plan is, [he clicks the remote again, which shows a badly drawn diagram of the G-team and Team S.T.A.R bases with lines and arrows drawn between them] (under breath) god, (normal voice) we are going to- approach from the west- CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?
[The whole time, the rest of the meeting's attendees have been giggling and/or snickering under their breath. Impulse is hunched over the table with laughter. Xisuma is obviously trying his hardest not to smile. False is grinning maniacally, and Wels and Doc are barely breathing. Ren looks like he's about to bite someone.]
Xisuma (chuckling): God, this is almost as good as when you told me to get in my swimsuit for the advertisement we filmed.
Ren: Guys. Please. Please.
False, between breaths: Sorry, Ren, I-I really just can't- [giggling fit] -I changed my mind, I'd be willing to sit through forty five more slides of this.
Ren: Okay, so the plan is-
Wels: You mean the plam? [He fistbumps with Doc.]
Ren: The PLAN IS, we approach from the west, go in through the side door that Mumbo located, I would have asked him to explain this in more detail but he's not here-
False: -Impulse, you own me five.
Impulse: Darn.
Ren: -not here, you two, but luckily we have a redstone schematic of the door, also provided by Mumbo!
[He clicks to the next slide, which simply reads "door.png." There is no schematic. Doc, at this point, sounds like he's having an asthma attack from laughing so hard.]
Ren (bravely): Okay, I guess I forgot to. I guess I forgot to post the image and just- just pasted in the image name instead. Jeesh. Okay. [clicks a few more times, but they're all just empty slides]
Doc: Ren, can you send me the file for this when you're done with it? I wanna text it to Grian.
Ren (deadpan): That's treason, my dude.
Doc (cracking up): Do you seriously believe that any of the G-Team is going to be able to decipher this glorious powerpoint?
Xisuma: Maybe- maybe if they flip it around and translate it into Latin.
Impulse: Deep fry it a bit, y'know, dip it in some warm crispy internet juice-
False: Internet juice?
Wels (confused): Don't you just mean electricity?
Ren: Okay- Cub, stop the camera. Cub. Cub, stop the-
Cub (from behind camera): No.
Ren: Dude-
Cub: Keep going!
Ren: Only if you promise to delete it later, okay?
Cub: Will do. Trust me.
Ren (clicking onto the next slide, which is covered in text): Alright! Here we go! Now we're getting to the juicy bits! Now, stage two- once we get in we're going to drink our invisibility potions and- and- wait, hold on. [He leans towards the screen.] What does that even say?
Impulse: Wait, wait. [takes out his phone and zooms in on the projector, taking a photo. He starts to laugh.] Oh, boy.
Xisuma: What does it say? I can't read it from here.
Impulse: It says, uh- [snort] -and I quote, "we go down the lensib and two- the number, folks, not the connecting verb -the southeb libbbbbbbbery. The word 'library,' if it can be even considered a word at this point, has eight B's. I counted."
Xisuma (amused): How many extra tallys is that?
Impulse: Uh, seven. There's more underneath. It goes "then bow up libraryr and if persons in there, they die. If not, we doe."
[At this point, Wels falls out of his chair.]
Doc: Oh, god, Wels, you good down there?
Wels (who can barely breathe): I'm- I'm good. [wheeze.] Drop the donuts, man, oh my god, drop the- the donuts [cough, wheeze] I think this is what's gonna get me through the day.
False: The fight hasn't even started yet, and we've already lost a man to friendly fire.
Ren: Cub, just cut it. Cut th- the camera. This is a disaster. You know what, meeting over, I'll work on another powerpoint later-
Doc: We're not even halfway done yet, though! Come on, man, we need more.
[The camera gets set down jerkily on the table.]
Cub (from behind the camera): I turned it off, Ren. You're good. See?
Ren: Are you sure? I want to make absolutely sure. Just- just delete the file afterwards.
Cub: I'm sure, man. I'm sure. It's off. No blinking light, see?
Ren: Alright.
Ren: Anyways, [clicking to next slide, which is just a blurry image of the Team S.T.A.R base at night], oh for the love of- X, can I swear?
Xisuma: Go on ahead, my friend. I'm surprised you haven't slipped up already.
Ren (very quickly and under his breath): For the love of everything good and holy, what the fuck was I thinking. Christ in heaven. Good hell.
Wels (one arm on the table and leaning on it, still kneeling on the floor, laughing): Whoa! Hot mic! Hot mic! Did you hear that one, X?
Xisuma: Oh, loud and clear. Don't worry though, I gave him permission. [He takes another sip of tea.]
Ren: Why did I add this in? We've all seen the G-team base! Oh my god. [He facepalms.]
Impulse: Iiiiiii'm gonna mark that one as a typo. [adds tally mark]
Ren: IT'S AN IMAGE, IMPULSE!
Impulse (primly): Accidential image taking, the typo of the photo world.
[[Transcriptor's note: It's two in the morning and I'm laughing so hard at this that I think I'm about to wake up Scar. It should be noted that from the door.png event onwards, the room is on the verge of breaking into total and unprohibited chaos. I'm so glad I kept the camera rolling. Unknown to everyone, I actually made the camera recording light toggleable for reasons of my own. Came in handy!]]
Ren: I'm just gonna veto that. Ooookay, next slide. [The next slide is just a VERY blurry selfie of Ren with Mumbo looking exactly like a scared mouse in the background. One torch lights up the entire image. The caption reads "had a good time!!!1! :D"]
[Ren calmly puts down his remote and walks out of the room.]
Wels: So we're- we're- we're getting to the callout post, now?
Doc: Did he get blackout drunk last night or what? Man, he should have invited me.
Xisuma: Okay, Ren I could see doing that, but Mumbo?
Impulse: Maybe Mumbo was sober and just got dragged along for the ride, who knows?
False (yelling): Ren! Get back in here! We need to see the rest of this!
Ren (from outside the room): I'm not going any further. I'm leaving the building and going back to bed.
Wels: What about my donuts, though?
Doc: I'll get you donuts, Wels. Don't worry.
Xisuma: Send the file to the group chat, please. Cub, can you grab the projector?
Cub (from behind the camera): Yeah, sure. Oh, one last thing.
Impulse: Yeah?
Cub: I had this thing running the whole time.
Doc: Man, that was amazing. I'll get the camera.
[Doc reaches for the camera. Around the room, members can be seen getting up from their chairs. Cub reaches the front od the room and can be seen reaching for the projector just as Doc's face appears and the camera spins around, jittering wildly.]
(Footage stops abruptly.)