Work Text:
Todd’s POV:
Friends, he had never expected to hate such a lovely word before, especially since it wasn’t one he had been able to use often as a child. He had had many acquaintances before, but no one he could truly say he was friends with. Most children that he’d known thought he was odd, too quiet to be interesting and too scared to be fun. Those he met later on made the same assumptions, but often tacked on other, cruel descriptions as well. Too scrawny to play sports with, too dumb to study with, too queer to talk girls with. So no, he never really had a friend, much less multiple.
Not until Neil came along that is.
Being friends with Neil meant being friends with his whole group, even those he found mildly terrifying like Charlie. To be honest, he hadn’t known what to expect when Neil first brought him into the folds of his ensemble of rambunctious teen boys. But he went along with it anyway, internally ecstatic to have people to call friends for once. Soon they started spending nearly all their free time together as a group and then when he and Neil went back to their dorm they’d continue to stay awake simply to talk. It was like nothing he’d experienced and he quickly found himself in love with the idea of having friends.
Until the title became too confining for his heart to handle.
He wasn’t quite sure when the switch truly occured, from simply platonic fascination to romantic intent, but it had happened. Suddenly the word friend was bitter and sour in his mouth when he referred to Neil and the thought of staying nothing, but friends was devastating.
Even so, it wasn’t like he could possibly do anything about it, there was no way Neil could feel the same. After all, golden boy, straight A, adored by all the teachers, on the path to becoming a doctor, Neil Perry could never be like him. There was no way that Neil stared at the bathroom floor, praying that no one saw through his charade and called him out. There was no way that Neil overthought every word he said when the other guys were talking about the girls they like, making sure that he never slipped up. There was no way Neil felt a guilt so deep in his bones that it sometimes made him physically ill just thinking about pursuing a relationship.
They weren’t the same, Neil was exquisite while he was just the failed replica of his brother.
When Neil had said he wanted to be an actor he couldn’t share in the other’s excitement, his own worries getting in the way. The idea of disobeying an authority, especially one’s parents, was something that deeply frightened him and he placed that fear onto Neil. He was scared for the boy, he had met Mr. Perry only once, but he did not seem like a merciful man. He didn’t want Neil to rush into something without thinking it over for fear of the boy getting hurt. But unfortunately he was unable to explain this worry because of his increasingly annoying inability to speak coherently for more than a few words.
Neil had, of course, taken his lack of enthusiasm as disapproval and cynicism and had gotten upset. He couldn’t even blame the other teen when he yelled at him, asking who’s side he was on, because he would question his care as well. He wanted to tell Neil that he was on his side, that he was always on his side, but like always the words got stuck and he simply looked away. To show loyalty was to show weakness, to care was to be vulnerable, those are the lessons he’s learned throughout his years. And as sure as he was that Neil wasn’t playing an elaborate trick on him, he couldn’t stop the little voice in the back of his head telling him to be weary.
The atmosphere was tense when Neil had settled onto the uncomfortable radiator and he had nestled back into his bed. He didn’t know what to say to make things better so he kept silent instead, stewing in the intensity of the air and trying not to choke on his own lack of self-esteem.
“You're coming to the meeting this afternoon?” Neil questions after a few tense moments.
“I don’t know, maybe,” He wants to go, but like always can’t seem to express that desire, instead defaulting to a response he hoped wouldn’t solicit a reaction.
He may have misjudged.
“Nothing Mr. Keating has to say means shit to you, does it, Todd?” Neil harshly asks, leaning forward as he looks at the boy in confusion.
“What is that supposed to mean-” He’s cut off by Neil once more.
“You’re in the club, being in the club means being stirred up by things. You look about as stirred up as a cesspool.” He recoils a little at Neils tone and choice of wording, wishing more than anything that Neil could understand exactly how stirred up he was.
“So you want me out?” He asks, unable to stop the fear from slipping past his lips and he’s rather shocked when Neil’s face softens slightly at the question.
“No,” Neil replies, “I want you in, but being in means you’ve got to do something. Not just say you in.”
“Listen Neil, I appreciate this concern, but… I’m not like you, alright? You, you say things and people listen. I, I’m not like that.” He stutters out, cursing his stammering to the deepest pits of hell.
“Don’t you think you could be?” Neil asks and his voice is oh so sweet that he wants to give in. To tell Neil what he clearly wants to hear, that he could be like Neil, that he could be normal, but he wouldn’t lie to Neil so he answers honestly despite how much it pains him.
“No,” He exclaims before reiterating, “I don’t know, but that’s not the point. The, the point is, is that there is nothing you can do about it. So you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine, alright?”
Neil simply stares at him for a while with a funny expression across his face, his lips are parted slightly and his eyes seem to be searching for something. After a few moments of silence he can’t look at the other teen anymore and casts his gaze down only to finally hear Neil’s response.
“No,” It’s a single word, but it gives him a pause and he looks up at Neil once more in confusion.
“What’d you mean, no?” Neil grins at him a little and repeats that one little word, before suddenly surging forward towards him and grabbing his notebook from his lap.
“No, Neil, give that back,” He immediately gives chase to Neil as the boy begins to bounce around the room, jumping on their beds and desks as he reads the first line.
“We are dreaming of- Poetry,” Neil exclaims, turning his head to grin at him, “I’m being chased by Walt Whitman.”
The two of them continue to run until finally he is able to gain the upper hand, tackling Neil to the ground and ripping the notebook out of his hands as they both laugh. Neil struggles only for a moment while he pins the other boy down before going limp and instead looking up at him with large, doe eyes. It takes him a second to register their current position, but once he does his face turns a bright red and his heart begins to beat twice as fast.
He is straddling Neil’s torso with his legs, thighs on either side of Neil's stomach and he can feel the movement of Neil's breath. One of his hands is placed on Neil’s chest for balance and the other is above Neil’s head in order to grip the notebook and cause him to be leaning so far over their faces are only a few inches apart. Neil’s lips are parted as he pants ever so slightly and he can’t help, but watch as Neil’s tongue swipes over his lips every once in a while.
He’s not quite sure how to escape this situation without making it awkward, but on the other side staying in this position was becoming increasingly more awkward. Still, he didn’t pull away, instead opting to stare down at Neil as his eyes flitted between the boy’s eyes and lips. He knew he should get up, friends didn’t sit on each other and pin each other to the ground, but he couldn’t pull himself away. He just hoped Neil wasn’t too upset at him for staying.
But apparently he didn’t need to worry because after a few more seconds Neil suddenly surged up and for a moment he thought he was about to get head butted before lips were pressed against his. He gasped in shock before leaning into the kiss, eagerly pressing back as Neil’s hands wound up to his hip and hair.
When they broke away they stayed close enough that their breath mixed, eyes wide as they stared at each other.
“I, I don’t know what to do now.” Neil laughs and it’s a breathy sound that causes him to giggle as well.
“Me neither,” He confesses, and sits up, pulling Neil with him until he is straddling the boy’s lap instead of his stomach.
“I hope, I mean, are you okay with what just happened?” Neil asks and he smiles and nods eagerly in reply which causes Neil to let out a sigh of relief. “Great, good, that’s, that’s good. Would, um, would you mind if we did it…again?”
His grin grows wider at the way Neil is awkwardly stumbling over his words, it felt good to have the roles switched for once. Instead of giving Neil a verbal answer he leans forward and gently presses his lips to Neil’s once more, just a peck, but enough for Neil’s eyes to flutter closed. When they pull apart again they are both sporting matching beams of joy.
“That was…incredible,” Neil mumbles after a moment and he agrees, “I never thought I’d be able to kiss you, I mean I thought that you just thought of me as a friend.”
“That’s what I thought you thought about me,” He replies, casting his eyes to the side, “But I’m glad I was wrong,”
“Yeah, me too,” Neil grins before giving him another chaste kiss and blushing, “do you, I don’t know, wanna be, like, my boyfriend or something. You don’t have to, I mean I’m fine if you don’t want that, but if you do I would also like that, and I guess I’m just trying to say that I really, really like you Todd and I hope-”
“I really, really like you too, Neil,” He says, cutting off the boy’s rant because his voice was getting higher and he seemed to be losing oxygen quickly. “And I would love to be your boyfriend.”
“Great, that’s great,” Neil awkwardly replies, face one of pure joy and it reflected how he was feeling perfectly.
And so they spent the rest of the night talking and sharing small kisses and talking over their feelings and simply cuddling in Neil’s bed.