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The house was quiet and Ellie didn't know quite how to feel about it.
The last week had been hectic. Ellie discovered that when your partner goes into labor, you suddenly remember that you know nothing about it and have to make a frantic horseride back to Jackson to fetch a midwife and the father of your baby. She also found out that while the blood and gore of zombies seemed to be a breeze, she had developed a newfound fainting reponse to seeing people injured and in pain, and had decided to not think about why after regaining consciousness. After that it was getting used to a baby wailing, which triggered more emotions than she wanted, but also getting to see her best friend be excited about being a father. Jesse hadn't lit up like that in a long time, and he spent five days out at the farm barely speaking to the girls out of pure excitement to care for his new son, and Ellie and Dina couldn't have understood an emotion more. Dina showed her and Jesse how to hold the little boy, head supported carefully and the baby tucked away safely in their arms. They decided on a name too after about a day of debating. Jesse Joel, or J.J. for short. Ellie found herself too busy to sleep far too quickly, and it had been nothing but go go go since the little potato decided it was time to greet the world.
But now the house was still and silent. It was like the house was laying in wait, like it was holding its breath just like Ellie was as she waited for her visitor to arrive. J.J, though awake, was silent in her arms and Dina was upstairs taking a well deserved nap. Ellie was glad she was getting in sleep. Ellie wanted her to recover safely, and she was allowed to sleep as much as she wanted to do that. But right now Ellie couldn't bear the silence. Her anxiety was clawing its way into her lungs and up her throat and making it hard to breath, and when the doorknob turned she swear to god her heart stopped beating.
And suddenly there he was. Joel hadn't seen the farm yet or been inside the house, but of course he wouldn't knock before entering. Ellie knew that it was his strange form of compassion. He somehow knew not to disturb the silence he had found himself invited into befoe he he even heard it. He was different now. His face was visibly scarred, and if you squinted you could see the scarring countinue up his face, buried in his hair. He walked with a cane, and his hands had gained a tremor that was only around from time to time. He became a man of even fewer words for awhile, but his voice had found its way back although it seemed that his hearing might stay damaged, and his hands were more clumsy than they used to be, but he was still Joel. He was still the man Ellie had been proud to look up to once, and who she missed every single day they were fighting, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was terrified to enter this stage of her life, and she thanked whatever god allowed her mercy that she could have her dad by her side to get through it.
Joel didn't quite smile when he saw Ellie sat on the couch with J.J. in her arms, and she wasn't sure if it was because those muscles were hard to use or if it was because Joel almost never smiled, but she could see the sparkle in his eyes and the immediate love for this tiny thing in her arms as he quietly made his way over to them after shutting the front door carefully. When he sat down she was convinced he might have dropped his cane to do it faster if he didn't need it for its leverage, and tried to settle in to be as comfortable as his body would allow.
When Ellie handed Joel J.J. there was no exchange of words. She felt her heart climb into her throat when she jostled the baby, almost not wanting to be trusted with moving such a fragile thing, but Joel took J.J. into his hands without a sign of panic on his face. Ellie watched as he cradled her son in his hands and slowly moved to hold him in his arms, and almost wanted to give him Dina's advice, but saw the look on his face and stopped. She knew that look. It was one of reminiscion, and it hit her all at once that he had done this before. She saw the quiver of his lower lip that had once signified tears over his overwhelm of emotions once they decided to rebuild that now signified his tears over rememberance of the life he was forced to leave behind. Ellie wanted to comfort him, but she had no words, so instead she just observed him gently cradle J.J. to his chest and sway lightly back and forth.
"He's perfect," were the first words Joel uttered, quiet enough that he believed Ellie wouldn't hear the choked up shake of his voice, but she did and it shattered her heart like a porcelain vase. She didn't have time to wish that he wouldn't have to be sad at a time like this, because for the first time in what felt like ages he took his eyes off of J.J. and looked at her.
"Congratulate Dina for me. She's ... she's tired I know so ... when you have a chance, if you would be so kind, I would 'ppreciate it," Joel half whispered, having to take pauses to keep the tears from spilling over. Ellie didn't quite know what to say to him, and so they sat in silence for a moment as she watched his eyes turn from sad to the soft, subtle happiness Joel expressed over anything he was truly excited about. She felt herself choking up in joy over seeing his happiness, and it almost overwhlemed her. "Of course Joel," was all she had in her to say, and that seemed to be enough for the both of them.
Ellie thought she knew Joel, and she wasn't wrong about that. She knew him as a fierce protector and someone not afraid of an act of violence when it was necessary. She knew him as a man of steel, of few emotions and few words, and someone with a past he was less than proud of. But she also knew him as a gentle man. A man so full of love that it became too much. That all of his choices were driven so fiercely by love that he could never truly rest without ensuring protection and safety for everyone he cared for. As Ellie listened to Joel hum a soft lullaby to J.J who was beginning to fuss and successfully calm him down, she got so mad at herself for ever forgetting his gentility when she found out he saved her from that hospital that she had to look away. With her eyes fixated on the wall ahead, she prayed that he was too focused on his grandson to pay attention.
Good for her, Joel was too focused, far too excited to introduce himself and too wrapped up in interacting with the little boy in his arms. "I have heard that your name is J.J. Your daddy has been tellin' just 'bout everyone. He was the one who told me that your mama wanted me to meet you. My name is Joel, and I am more than excited to be your ..." Joel let his voice trail off, and Ellie knew his uncertainty when she heard it. He had gained a fear of overstepping, and ever since their conversation, he didn't want to do too much and upset her again. But Ellie knew why she wanted Joel here, and it wasn't just for her. She wanted to see him happy again. To have something to fight for again. Ellie knew him as a strong man, as a protector, and she knew her son deserved her protector just as much as she did, and she also knew that Joel deserved a proper family again. It was never said that their attachment had become familial. Somehow they had become father and daughter out in that hellscape. It was an unspoken rule, and she wanted it to stop being unspoken. What kind of family never talked about it?
"Grandfather."
The word left Ellie's mouth without a second thought or regret, and Joel looked up at her at a dizzying pace. She couldn't meet his gaze at first but she could feel it. Feel the shock and disbelief that would slowly melt away into joy. He stared until Ellie had no choice but to look at him, and for the first time in years she saw him smiling hard. As Ellie smiled back slowly she felt tears welling up in her eyes and when he echoed the word back they threatened to spill. It was barely a whisper. But when the word grandfather left his lips it felt like they could finally fully pull the rift between them back together and that was all either one of them wanted.
Joel carefully leaned down to rest his and J.J.'s foreheads together for a moment, and Ellie swore to god she saw for just a moment the years melt away from him. It was in his muscle memory to know how to show love, and she had the little girl he raised before her to thank for that.
"I am your grandfather."
Ellie then watched as Joel sat back up and kept her little boy close for the next 20 minutes, making easy small talk more with J.J. than with her. Saying how proud he was to be in his life, how happy he was for Dina, Ellie, and Jesse and how special J.J. is. Joel barely raised his voice above a low rumble, and it slowly lulled J.J. to sleep. As soon as they both noticed, in the wordless way they do things, Ellie was given back J.J. and she carefully got up and walked away to lay him in his crib.
When she came back downstairs she was surprised to see him still sitting there, and for a moment she thought of them standing side by side, him holding his coffee cup and refusing to meet her gaze. He looked so similiar to that night, gaze aimed down and hands clasped together, and it made her chest tighten to see him nervous like that, and so she sat on the couch next to him with a vague smile, attempting to show her joy and relief that he didn't just leave.
"Did you know I was 17 years old when Sarah was born?"
Ellie simply blinked at him. She had been sitting down for maybe two minutes before he blurted that out. For as much as Joel had begun to talk about Sarah over the past 5 years, he was still sparing with his details, and she didn't quite know what to do with this sudden admission or what its relevance was. "No I didn't," was all she managed to say, and then fell quiet, waiting for him to continue.
"That girl was my pride and joy from the second I took her into my arms. She meant everything to me in an instant, and I knew that I was gonna do my goddamn best to give her the life I didn't have," Joel said with a sad half-smile. "But," he continued, "I wasn't even a senior in highschool when she was born. You remember that I told you I had Sarah when I was kinda young? Well I did have her really young and the way people treat you is so ... different. I remember the looks on my parents' faces when I told them my girlfriend at the time was pregnant, who I should have never married. It wasn't good for Sarah. I remember the looks from my friends and teachers when they found out why I was droppin' out. How people treated the young kid with an infant that wasn't his sibling." Joel paused, taking a deep breath before he continued, and Ellie hated hearing the quiver in his voice and seeing the sadness in his eyes. "And I had no one other than my twelve year old brother in support, and even though you are in a completely different situation than me, which I am thankful for, no matter what I know more than anyone how terrifyin' being a parent can seem. Dina is a nice girl and I am sure Jesse is gonna be great help and his parents are nice folks but ... but I remember the nights where I just wanted advice from my dad and comfort from my mom. You have a support system and I am so thankful for that but I don't just want to be in J.J.'s life because I want to be a grandfather. I want to be in your life so you have a dad when you need one."
"...Well I'm glad that you're here Joel," Ellie said quietly, tears welling up in her own eyes. She saw the pain in Joel's face as he slowly turned to look at her, and she knew it wasn't over what he was saying, it was for her. He hated seeing her upset, and it upset him more than anything to see her almost in tears. "I really am."
"So am I babygirl," he said softly, in that same tone of voice all those winters ago, and that pushed Ellie over the edge. The tears came quicker than she could stop, but Joel held strong for her, even though he wanted to weep with her. He gathered her in his arms and pulled her to his chest as if she was still a little girl. It may have taken a little more effort than it used to, but that is exactly what she is.
Ellie would always be Joel's little girl, and no matter how much she grew up, he would always be here to comfort her. He held back his tears. Swallowed them down hard. He knew that his strength kept her safe, and this was no exception.
"I'm here babygirl. I'm not going anywhere. She tried to take me away, but I'm still here. It's gonna be okay, and I will always be here to support you and keep you and your family safe. I love you babygirl," Joel said, forcing the shake out of his voice and finding the reassuring tone she needed.
As Ellie calmed down, in a meek, cried out tone he heard her small "I know. I love you too Joel," and though he had to strain to hear it, it was enough for him. It was enough for the both of them.