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Standing at the bow of the dock, night time moonlight catching the rises of his metal armor, book in hand, was Gillion Tidestrider.
Chip did not wake up in the middle of the night to stalk his co-captain. No, that would be weird. He was just… having nightmares again. The thought of closing his eyes made his skin crawl, like spiders were trying to infest his pores, and after tossing and turning in his hammock for a good thirty minutes he decided he needed some air. After stopping in the kitchen to peek in on all their sleeping crew, mainly Oli, Chip had silently made it above deck and had inhaled the fresh salt water air with glee. Oh, he loved that smell. The smell of no boundaries, no baggage, of freedom.
Chip watched from a distance, immediately spotting the triton, his hair pulled back into a braid and his eyes intently following the words on the page. He seemed deep in thought, invested. Chip could watch the way Gillion acted for hours, could watch the way his hair moved, watched the way his chest rose and fell with each breath, watched the way his fins and tails flicked slightly, involuntary, both endearing and terrifying. Something about him felt guilty for doing so. He knew he had no chance, Gillion was way out of his league, not to mention Gillion was his co-captain, but it wasn’t something Chip couldn’t not notice.
Chip knew that he was quiet enough and Gillion was focused enough that he could sit there all night and the triton would never notice him, but after a few minutes of nothing but the noise of the waves and the stars in the sky Chip felt a little bit… creepy, and made sure his footsteps could be heard as he was walking up to his friend.
Gillion heard him, and turned at his sound, the book being folded closed and put in his side pouch. Chip didn’t get a chance to see what he was reading.
“Hello, Chip!” Gillion smiled, his tail flicking back and forth. “Is it your turn to watch?”
Chip smiled, averting his eyes and looking out to the sea as he leaned on the rail, right next to Gill. “No, I just couldn’t sleep. Thought I might give you some company.”
“Well, thank you. I always enjoy your company.” Gillion said, and Chip felt the rush of anxious energy. He had to do something, hold something, tap something. His hand went up to his necklace, the one that Aslan gave him, and he fiddled around with the cord.
“You too bud.”
The tension was thick, but Chip guessed it was only for him. Gods, he was terrible at this. There was something about Gillion that broke down all of his lies. All of his masks and faces that he put up to fit the shoes of somebody he could never be. Someone who he desperately wanted to be. Even when in the safety of his ship, Chip never felt like he couldn’t not lie. Lie about how he was feeling. Lie about how he had everything under control. Lie about how everything was going to be okay. Chip just failed, again and again and again. But Gillion… something about him felt ashamed for lying to him. Gillion was unwaveringly honest, a purity that shone off of him. If Chip was a monster, Gillion was an angel. Chip over the time with Gillion has found himself more and more wanting to be better. No matter how much the lies protected him from the pain, it made him want to face the agony and be able to be like him. And even though Chip couldn’t drop all the façade, at least with Gillion he was trying his best.
“Chip.” Gillion interrupted his thoughts, the silence stretching for a minute. “I just wanted to say something about what you did at Noctis.”
Chip swallowed his immediate panic. What had he done wrong? Oh no, he was in trouble wasn’t he-
“I’m very proud of you.”
“Wh- what?” Chip looked up at the triton’s face, wispy green hair falling from the braid around his fin ears, his gentle expression he always seemed to hold for those closest around him.
“Trading your own health for the lives of others, you did a big thing today, Chip.” Gillion looked down at him genuinely, and the triton moved closer, looking at Chip and joining him leaning on the railing. “I know I said something earlier, but I want you to know I know how much this curse is hurting you. What you did earlier today was something that you should be proud of as well.”
The breath was stolen from Chip, his thoughts seemed to slow. He was just doing what was right? He had gotten those people killed, he was just fixing what he had broken. Then why did Gillion hold such awe in his voice, why did Gillion look at him like he was something special, something worthy.
“I want to tell you something, Chip.” Gillion’s voice was low and soft. Chip suddenly felt very frightened. Something in him told him to run away. To hide.
“You scare me.”
Chip froze, like a deer caught in headlights. His eyes darted from the open sea to the face of Gillion, the triton making unwavering eye contact. A piercing gaze. Chip had seen those eyes in so many different lights. The look of battle lust, of insanity, of pure compassion and kindness.
“I had always been taught to be perfectly strong. Unwavering in my duties. But when I think of you, I feel these thoughts of betrayal against my oath.” Gillion was like the ocean, full of deep mystery and wonder. He gave to all those around him, yet was terrifyingly powerful. He took your breath away, looking in his eyes felt like drowning. What he was saying… wasn’t connecting. This wasn’t real, was it? It had to be some sick dream that Chip was living, in seconds he would see the sneer cross the tritons face, the cruel joke of his co-captain laughing in his face, asking if he really believed that he would say such things. This couldn’t be real, it shouldn’t, but Gillion’s words did not stop. “Sometimes, when I look at you, I feel as though I would throw the world away for your safety. I would put your happiness ahead of my destiny.”
Every thought was stalled in his brain. Every word died on his lips. What was being said could not be true. It was laughable, Gillion being afraid. Laughable that he would even question his destiny, even if for a passing moment. And for Chip, of all people? No. This couldn’t be. It wasn't happening.
“I was taught that humans were evil. But you have taught me so much more.” Gillion smiled, a soft smile, his eyes squinting closed and a flash of sharp teeth, endearing. Chip’s hands were shaking. His fingers felt numb, his ears ringing like a bell with a toll of warning. “Nobody has ever made me feel like this. You make my heart flutter and everything that has ever existed fades away.”
Gillion turned away from the railing, and gently, as if handling glass, grabbed Chip’s hands, holding one in each, his cool skin sending shocks down Chip’s arms. He was slack, his eyes staring at the other’s hands in disbelief of the contact. He was sure Gillion could feel him shaking, and embarrassed, he felt his face heat up, his ears burning.
He was in too much shock to try to pull away.
“I remembered standing in a destroyed ballroom, a shattered chandelier glistening like diamonds strewn across the ground. Blood splattered across black marble, bodies on the ground, you and Jay both looking near collapse. I saw you clutching your chest, eyes conflicted, standing above the disintegrating decapitated head, and in the moment that I saw the terrifying resolve overcome your face, the way your heart steeled and your jaw set, and I felt my breath slip away. Covered in blood, bathed in shadows, I saw you.”
Now would be a good time to wake up. Gillion’s words crashed on the sides of his head. The way he thought highly of him had to be a delusion. At that moment, he hadn’t felt like a hero. He felt defeated, he felt failure. He had failed what he had set out to do, and saving the people he had hurt was the least he could do. He had failed, like he had again and again and again. The blood coating him had been a reminder of all of his shortcomings, the shadows were there to hide him, so he could slip away, run, like he always did.
Chip’s eyes widened as Gillion leaned in closer, the falling strands of hair close enough to tickle Chip’s face, the triton’s eyes looking at him with something wild, something that was burning. It looked like the burning whenever Gillion was charging into battle, it tasted like lightning and felt like adrenaline. The air around him chilled, and Chip couldn’t tell if his shaking was from his fear or the cold that ran up his spine.
“I had blinked and somewhere between taking your hand, to holding a sword to your neck for my broken honor, to you choosing to sacrifice your seemingly only chance of being cured for this horrible curse, I realized… I was in love.”
Chip wasn’t waking up.
Wide eyed, tears started to fall down his face. Slowly, he didn’t even realize.
How could he say these things about him?
Gillion flinched back, staring at the tears on Chip’s face. “I’m sorry.” Gillion raised his hand to wipe away the tears, but froze, his hand hesitating as he wasn’t sure if Chip was okay with him touching him. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how human courting works- I apologize-”
Chip wasn’t thinking. This was real, wasn’t it?
Gillion froze as Chip pulled Gillion’s hand to touch his face, letting the triton rest his palm on his cheek, gently stopping the tears.
“Can I kiss you?” Chip choked out, his words leaving his mouth before he realized he had even said it.
Gillion didn’t even hesitate, answering almost as quickly as Chip had asked.
“Yes.”
What did Chip ever do to deserve this?
Gillion leaned in, slowly and softly, looking Chip in the eyes as their foreheads almost touched. Chip could hear his breath, the stutter in breathing, the way his eyes flicked over Chip’s red face as if taking him in like it was the last time he would ever look at his face, writing all the details down for safe keeping. The pause was like jumper cables on his heart, panic and pain between Chip’s ribs. It hurt. It hurt to stand still, to not close the distance. It was terrifying to think of letting Gillion do what he asked him to do. The careful way Gillion titled his head with his hand, the way he treated him as if he was something worthy, of someone worth his time let alone even his gaze felt like he was swallowing poison. He was going to die, he was going to melt, like footprints being washed away by white frothy tides on a beach shore.
His lips felt the same way he remembered them. Soft and cold, the taste of salty tears and moonlight. It was different from any kiss Chip has ever had before. All he had experienced before Gillion was hungry kisses, violent, desperate, as if trying to fill a hole for something that he was missing. He always led, he always flirted, he was always the liar. Gillion- he led. He held him. He was careful, he was tender, he was cautious. There were pauses in between each kiss, enough room to breath, slow enough he was never gasping for air but Chip was always breathless anyways. Chip felt his hands wrapping around the triton’s waist, gently, not gripping or pulling clothes, but something safe, something calm, something dreamy and airy like magic. The beating of his heart blended in with the waves rushing in his ears, and he basked in the feeling of unconditional care, a feeling that Gillion was spending painstaking attention on every wish that Chip would and could ever want. His hand was still cupping the side of his face as their faces tilted inwards, tears catching in Chip’s eyelashes that shimmered in the star’s light.
Chip pulled away.
His eyes snapped open, his face wet. His hands left Gillion’s waist, and he stumbled backwards, bumping into the railing, his hands raising and clasping in front of his chest almost protectively. Gillion looked at him, confused, fear crossing his features.
“Stop.” Chip gasped, one hand reaching down and grasping the railing behind him, gripping onto the wood of his ship for dear life.
Gillion didn’t look angry, like Chip had thought he would. He only looked concerned, only like Chip’s happiness was his priority. “What is wrong? I'm sorry-”
“No!” Chip interrupted him, the pounding in his head overcoming all of his thoughts. He was such a fool. He was such a liar. This was not real. There was no way it could be. “I- You can’t say all these things about me because they aren’t true. You are- you are lying-”
How could anyone love Chip, without wanting something from him? How could Gillion love Chip and want to give him the world?
“I would never lie about this.” Gillion insisted, not moving forward, his voice low as if scared to hurt Chip with his voice.
Chip gritted his teeth, holding back a sob. Tears fell down his chin and onto his shirt, as he rasped out with what volume he could muster, “You said you loved me! You can’t- you can’t say that!”
Gillion flinched. “I apologize, Chip. I’m sorry, I didn’t know how this works with humans- that’s just how I feel-”
Gillion thought he was in the wrong. Gillion could never be in the wrong. It was always Chip. He was always fucking up. He was always less than enough. “You don’t understand! You can’t love me! You don’t even know me.”
“Of course I know you.” Gillion answered with absolute resolve. As if Chip’s words weren’t breaking into his thick skull. “You are Chip, my co-captain of the Albatross-”
“No. You don’t.” Chip hissed. “You know the Chip I present. Not me, the nobody worthless 19 yr old kid with no family, nobody who trusts him, who fucks up all the time again and again and again.” He had lied to Gillion. He had killed an innocent man. He hadn’t been able to do anything as the Midnight Rose had sunk, his own selfishness had cursed the kid he was supposed to be protecting, he clung onto people who showed any bit of affection to him like a lost pathetic puppy. His own hubris kept tripping him every opportunity, every situation he had failed was because of a mistake he made that he could have avoided. He had never done anything good in his entire life. “I’m not worth the things you are saying to me. How you feel is only proving how good of a liar I am.”
Gillion stepped forward, the look of complete earnestness and honesty overcoming him, like every word dripped with truth. He reached and slipped a hand around Chip’s waist, pulling him closer, as if to tell him he was here. He was listening. He was not leaving.
“I know you, Chip, who took Oli under his wing when he was just a lost boy away from his family. I know you, who defends the people he loves with all of his heart and soul. I know you, I know you are healing, I know you are overcoming what has happened to you in the past. I am in awe at your ability to change, your ability to adapt and overcome, in awe of your strength. You may have done wrong in the past, but I know your heart. I see you, Chip. I see you for who you are.”
Each word was like a hammer to his heart, blood and guts coating the wood of the boat with each swing Gillion took. He pried open his rib cage and shattered his lungs, each time a hand snapped his bones another tear fell. Chip gasped, putting a hand on Gillion’s chest, almost to push him away but his hand not putting any force behind it. “Stop- stop-”
“I love the most vulnerable parts of you. I love you for your faults. I love you for your beauty. Inside and out.” Gillion reached up and pushed a strand of hair behind Chip’s ear, his hand brushing the hanging ax earring.
The conflicting messages were tearing him in half. He knew the truth. He knew what he was. He knew what he had become. But he heard Gillion. He heard what he said. The love in his words wanted Chip to surrender and to view himself the way Gillion viewed himself, but Chip could never allow himself this happiness.
“I’m not ready.” Chip closed his eyes, squeezing him shut, not wanting to see Gillion’s reaction.
Gillion’s voice was low, a mumble, careful like walking around eggshells. “Ready for what?”
“For this… for your love. I- It hurts-” Chip reached up, rubbing his eyes, rubbing his face, sniffing and wiping his nose on the back of his hand. He felt disgusting. He felt vulnerable. He felt broken.
“Chip, I could not go on without telling you this.” Gillion’s hand slid to his shoulder, holding onto him, steading him. “I’m so used to swallowing my feelings, to holding everything inside. You and Jay have taught me how to confront my emotions. I am sorry this is bringing you pain, but I had to let you know-”
“No, no- Gill-”
“If it is me that you do not love, tell me and I will pretend like this never happened. I will move on and never look at you in this way again. I respect you as a friend and I will respect that you do not reciprocate my feelings-”
“Shut up!”
How could Gillion not think that Chip liked him back? How could Gillion think that he couldn’t win over anyone’s heart? How could Gillion think that he was less than Chip? Gillion was… amazing. He was power, he was mercy, he was kindness and he was justice and he was steadfast and grounded as much as he was gleeful and full of life. He was the taste of clear skies and the sound of seagulls overhead, he was the wind in his hair and the mist of the ocean, he was Gillion Tidestrider, the greatest person to ever be in Chip’s life.
“I love you- okay!” Chip gasped out, yelling, proclaiming it to an empty sea and the one holding him.
“I’m just-” His voice melted, losing its steam. “I don’t even know who I am.”
That was the truth.
“I need… I need time. I need time. Please- please.”
In the moment of silence, Chip didn’t know what he expected. What did he expect? He was curled up, his shoulders tense, like he was preparing for a blow. To be hit, to be yelled at. To be told he was nothing, for Gillion to rage about how Chip betrayed him, about how Chip was not appriciating what Gillion was saying, about how he was revoking his love. He felt young again, lost, like the orphan street rat he was and always will be.
After a few seconds, Gillion spoke.
“Of course. Of course Chip.”
The words were like dunking his head in ice water. How could- how could anyone want to put up with this? How could anyone want to touch this mess?! Almost like he was punched in the gut, he gasped, trying to bite his tongue as a sob tried to rip through his throat. He was supposed to be mad! He was supposed to hate him! How could Chip be loved when he didn’t even love himself!
He was shaking, his knees were barely holding him up, and he found himself leaning into Gillion’s chest, burying his face into his shirt, the tears falling freely and despite the alarms in his head telling him to run he let himself be comforted as Gillion didn’t even hesitate to catch him in a hug, holding up his weak body from collapsing in on itself.
“I- I’m- I-” Chip stuttered, before being interrupted.
“You don’t have to speak right now- I understand.” Gillion murmured, the low rumbling of a purr that triton’s seemed to be able to do coming from the back of his throat. The words only made Chip cry harder, and he couldn’t even be bothered to be embarrassed as he selfishly let himself be held by the person he had just rejected. Gillion’s hand rubbed his back, strong and steady, slow and careful like the kiss, like he was holding the world in his hands. “I am right here. Right now. And I will be here for however long you need me to be. I know you need time. Take how much of it you want.”
“If it is a day, if it is years, if it is on my last breath, I will stay right here for you. I will stay with you, Chip. Feel no need to rush, for as long as you want me around, I will have my heart tucked away, like a locket around my neck. I swear this to you, Chip, that my love will be for you and only you until you tell me otherwise.”
Chip sobbed, he knew he was getting Gillion’s shirt wet and disgusting but he was positive the triton wouldn’t mind. Killing him would have felt better than this. The confrontation of maybe somebody would set aside their own safety for him. The idea that somebody could see everything he had to offer and still choose him. Chip had grown up always trying to make himself something other than he was. Made himself more pathetic while he begged as a child, made himself seem more tough in the gang, made himself seem more competent as a pirate. It was how he survived. It was how he was still alive.
If Chip let down these walls, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t die on the spot.
So Gillion telling him he would wait, he would wait for however long it took Chip to dismantle his walls brick by brick, for eternity if it took so-
It made him feel venerable like he had never felt before.
It made him shake, it made him violently sick, it made him want to throw up.
It made him want to take the love that Gillion was offering and take it all to himself. To steal and hoard it like the pirate he was supposed to be.
And it was scary to think that Gillion would let him.
“Promise?” Chip asked between sobs, his voice weak and thin, muffled by the cloth he was pressed against.
“I swear on my life, Chip.”
And something in the way Gillion said those words made it impossible for Chip to believe it was a lie.
_____________
“Humans are, like always, trickier than tritons. When it comes to love, that concept does not change. Within many relationships there can be lying, deceit, and even adultery. Despite the drawback of these complicated and sometimes harmful natures, when engaging in oversea relationships there is something that you may find yourself enjoying that traditional undersea relationships lack. The thrill. Humans are full of passion and life and do not follow the same restricting rules that the undersea uses to create perfect respectful pairs through matchmakers. If you are lucky you will find someone who will make you go crazy, someone who will consume your thoughts and drive you wild. Treasure this love, and enjoy it for as long as you can.”
Gillion re-read the first paragraph of the book he had long since finished. Rose-Colored Spectacles , the book written by his grandfather.
For some reason, those pages were always drawing him back in. He was sitting on the top deck, late at night with a clear sky as far as he could see. It was his turn to watch, and he should be paying better attention to his duties, but after taking watch for so long it was hard to resist the pull to open the book and read those words once again.
It was true that the relationships Gillion had experienced in the undersea were extremely different from the ones he has now. He doesn’t exactly know if that was because he was a triton or because of his upbringing, but that doesn’t change the fact that it took a long time for him to actually let himself feel connected to his crew. At first, it had just been duty and the need to protect innocents driving his desire to follow the pirates. Chip and his crew had been the first option that had presented itself when Gillion was at his lowest. Now, Gillion had let himself become a part of a crew. A family.
Being weak was a bad thing. That’s what he had learned in the undersea.
Being weak was a wonderful experience, Gillion had learned, between tears and love and happiness of those around him.
He loved his crew. He knew that. He knew that he did, because it took a lot of mental battling to allow himself to. And he had succeeded. And he had never been happier.
Flipping the page but not reading the words, Gillion traced his finger down the paper. The air was cool tonight, nothing that would bother Gill, and a slight breeze tickled his hair. It was getting longer now, not cut since his banishment.
Gillion had let himself be weak so he could love his crew. But could he let himself slip further for... him?
Gillion shook his head. No. He couldn’t- he shouldn’t-
He had never looked anyone this way before. Never had he looked at the soft freckled skin, the deep brown eyes that caught the sunlight like golden honey.
Humans are killers. Liars, and deceivers. Never approach one. Never show mercy to one.
Gillion never saw anyone else in a way that made him feel like this. One that made his cheeks hot and the world fade away, thoughts of Chip consuming him during every single watch. Never had his eyes traced his captain so long, lingering suspiciously.
Gillion's mind was somewhere else, his eyes glazed over as he stared at the same page again and again. Every so often he reached down and fiddled with the ring he wore, the ring that matched the one that Chip wore, the ring that he had given him out of necessity when they were in the B.L.O.C.K.. Despite it being out of necessity, Chip still wore it, and every time Gillion glanced at his hand he had to stop his tail from swaying and giving him away.
His elders would be so disappointed in him. Falling for the enemy.
They would kill them. This would mean his execution.
That didn't stop him from thinking about him, though.
His fins perked up as he heard something approaching behind him. He quickly glanced aside and saw Chip walking to him, and hurriedly he tucked his grandfather's book away, the words still burning on the back of his eyelids.
Despite the panic, Gillion couldn't stop the pure rush of joy overtaking him with the sight of his friend walking towards him.
“Hello, Chip!” Gillion greeted the newcomer, “Is it your turn to watch?”