Chapter Text
Sunday, October 10
It’s the unspoken rule that when you or your sister are underneath your mother’s roof, you must abide by her rules (This applies to your father as well, but he’s currently out of town on a work trip, so he gets a pass). Therefore, when Sunday morning rolls around, regardless of how late you stayed up watching Colin Firth fail to woo Jennifer Ehle, you are required to go to church.
When your mother shows up at the breakfast table wearing jeans and a sweater, you realize you’re completely overdressed. Silco’s dress screams “wealthy black widow on the prowl for her next victim”, but seeing as her and your size difference is of a kind that cannot be rectified, it’s your only choice. Even your sister, though she’s also wearing her clothes from the night before, doesn’t seem to be nearly as conspicuous as you know you’ll be.
But there’s nothing you can do, so you all hop into her car and head to church, a strange mismatched trio.
“I was thinking we could get lunch at Jericho’s,” Your mom says cheerfully. “And then go walk around The Lanes. Your dad got me a gift card, and I have my eye on a few new watercolors.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Sorry, but Marcus is picking me up for lunch.”
You and mom both look at Allie with dismay.
“Oh,” Mom answers. “Is there any way you could push it off to another day?”
“Marc’s is going out of town for training, so this is the last day we can spend together for two weeks.”
Mom’s disappointment is palpable.
You’re incredibly annoyed. “Haven’t you seen him everyday for the last week?”
“Yeah, so?”
“So when’s the last time we had lunch with mom?”
“Girls…”
Allie throws up her hands. “Well I’m sorry, but if I’d known we were going to have a slumber party last night I probably could have worked something out, but it’s too late now.”
“Why?” You press. “What time are you supposed to meet? Can you ask to move it back to dinner?”
“Can’t. He hired a babysitter for the day.”
“Well –”
“Drop it!” Your mom barks. “It’s fine. I’ll see Allie another day this week. It was supposed to be our date today, anyway.”
It takes all your powers of self possession not to let out a disgruntled huff. From the front seat, Allie doesn’t bother to hide hers.
Your mom turns up the worship music.
You scowl out the window.
Unbelievable.
Allie’s relationship is now staunchly centered in the honeymoon phase, where both family and friends are shoved to the back burner. The only way you’ll get her to see reason is if you wrestle those heart shaped, rose colored glasses off her face, and she won’t relinquish them without a fight.
Tension is high as you pull into the church parking lot, and Allie is first out of the car. She stalks ahead, and doesn’t notice when your mom stops before the doors to the sanctuary.
“I’ll see you after service.”
“What? You’re not going in with us?”
“I’m a greeter today. That’s why we came early,” She pulls a lanyard from her purse and looks after Allie with a sigh. “Don’t let this come between you two.”
“I’m not the one letting something come between us.”
“Your anger is something.”
“I’m not mad.”
“It’s bad form to lie at church.”
She smiles as you release a short, exasperated laugh. “I’m not mad, just frustrated. Marcus is the only person that exists in Allie’s world right now.”
“She’s in love.”
“More like infatuated.”
She gives you a look.
“What? She barely knows the guy, but she can’t think or talk about anybody else but him!”
“Huh. That sounds strangely like someone else we both know.”
You stare at her, baffled, before you think back to how many times you brought up a certain business mogul in your conversation last night.
You blush at her knowing look.
“Oh come on, are you really comparing me to Allie, the girl who falls in love every other day?”
“You and your sister are different in many ways, but you’re both stubborn, and refuse to acknowledge what’s right in front of your eyes.”
You fold your arms and scowl. “Oh yeah, and what’s in front of mine?”
Rather than reply, she gives you an enigmatic smile, “I need to go. Please don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”
“Can I at least hold onto it till sunset?”
She hugs you and kisses your cheek. “No.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
As she starts to back away she says, “Because you can’t help being the bigger person.”
“Yeah, well being the bigger person sucks sometimes.”
“Yes it does, but you’ll do it anyway because it’s who you are. And I’m proud of you for it. Now go on.”
It's annoying, but she's right. You can't help being the bigger man.
If only to have moral superiority.
Just kidding.
Or am I?
Allie’s waiting impatiently for you just inside the sanctuary doors.
“Where’s mom?”
“I guess she’s a greeter today. It’ll just be you and me in the pews.”
“Oh.”
Her anger is simmering beneath the surface even as you find a few seats towards the back of the room. She’s being a little pill, typing on her phone, pointedly ignoring you. For a moment you attempt to wrestle the bigger person back down into the basement, but after a few minutes it wins out.
As usual.
You continue your nervous rolling and unrolling of the sermon notes an usher handed to you on your way in.
“Sorry. About before. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
Her shoulders twitch upward in a shrug. “It’s fine.”
“It’s clearly not.”
She holds onto her words just long enough for them to burst out forcefully, “I just don’t understand why you still have it out for Marcus! I thought we were past this.”
“We are, Allie, I swear! I like Marcus, I think he’s good for you. I guess I was just bummed that you wouldn’t be joining us.”
“Well Marcus will be out of town, so we can do something later this week if you want.” She still looks annoyed, but some of the ire has left her voice.
“Sure. Maybe we can have a Star Wars marathon on Thursday, and put together that bird of paradise lego set you’ve had stashed in your room since March.”
The tension in her shoulders leaves as a reluctant grin plants itself on her face. “Okay.”
Another win for the bigger man.
“Okay. So how is problematic Marcus today?”
She rolls her eyes. “He’s fine. Apprehensive about the testing, but he knows his stuff. He asked if I could quiz him later.”
“Cool.”
In truth, you can’t think of anything less cool than helping someone study while on a date, but it’s a nice gesture on your sister’s part. It shows that she doesn’t care what they’re doing, so long as they're doing it together.
I guess I understand that.
If a person you liked asked you to hang out while they did paperwork or wrote up reports, you’d probably say yes.
In fact, you know you would.
As the pews start to fill up around you, your fingers itch to grab your phone. The only thing holding you back is indecision. What on earth could you possibly say to Silco to make headway on getting things back to normal?
And what is our normal anyway?
Deep conversations shared past midnight, witty banter riddled with smirks?
Careful flirting or sudden arguments?
In that moment the worship team takes center stage, and your thoughts are lost in a cacophony of worship music. You can hardly think as you read the lyrics off the overhead screen, and you’re aware of your sister, playing with her phone as she half-heartedly sings the words to songs memorized long ago.
“I searched the world
But it couldn't fill me…”
You wonder idly if this is what it feels like to be in love. Distracted and unsatisfied unless you’re with the person who’s most often on your mind.
“...Then You came along,
And put me back together…”
It’s not like your life had been falling apart, but it could be said that until Silco, its trajectory had been heading steadily into the slow death of stagnation.
“...And every desire
Is now satisfied
Here in Your love…”
Silco’s crooked smile plays like a broken record, and you rub your chest to derail the terrifying feeling that hits your chest like a freight train.
You miss him.
Why, oh why won't you leave me alone?
“So, how was church today?”
You idly pick at your salad with a plastic fork. “Good.”
Damning.
It’s mostly a blur, except the parts that had to do with self-righteousness (that one put an uncomfortable prickling in your conscience); judging others for the speck in their eye when you’ve got a plank in yours (you felt personally called out by the pastor for that one, or maybe you just imagined that he found your eyes all the way in the second to last row); forgiving others just as Christ forgave you (alright, fine, I get it!). And (of course) love, love, love, love, love…
Love suffers long and is kind.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Funny how you claim not to be in love, but while you were sitting in that pew (sinking deeper into the stiff red speckled fabric that looked suspiciously like burning eyes), it was darn near impossible to avoid thinking of a particular man every time the pastor brought up the word.
It forced you to once again face the reality of your situation.
“Everything alright?”
No. I more than like Silco.
You nod. “Yep.”
“You sure?”
Nope.
“Yep.”
She’s clearly not convinced. You force yourself to take a bite of the salad you’ve so far only had the heart to play with.
“How’s dad?” You mumble around an overly large piece of romaine.
The subject is enough to get your mother off your case through the rest of lunch. Unfortunately, it doesn’t keep Silco off your mind. You ruminate on how to contact him without seeming like you’re desperate (even though you are). You're also tempted to play it cool and wait for him to contact you first, but that’s the less appealing option since you have no idea if he’ll willingly try to contact you again.
If this is love, then it sucks!
It really makes you wonder. If relationships are this difficult to navigate when you aren’t even in one, what does it take to maintain a working relationship once you are?
These questions circle and bob up and down like horses on a merry-go-round all the way to The Lanes Artist’s Supplies.
But you’re forced to stop the ride as soon as you start perusing the paper aisle.
“So, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Your mom asks. “You’ve been awfully quiet since lunch.”
You run your finger along a line of paper goods that you aren’t really seeing.
“I was just thinking about you and dad.”
“What about us?”
“How did you know he was the one? I mean you’re so different. You’re affectionate and straightforward, while he’s passive, and the most affection I’ve ever seen him show is when he grabs your butt.”
She laughs. “So?”
“You told me that you guys broke up three times, and the last time you got back together he put his foot down and said ‘that’s it, we’re together for the long haul or not at all’. Why did you keep breaking up with him? And what made you decide to stay?”
After a moment of silence she shrugs. “At the time all I knew was chaos. I kept leaving because his steadiness scared me, and I kept going back because he was unfailingly loyal. And nothing like my step-father. I knew that, no matter what I did, he would never raise a fist to hurt me.”
“So he was safe?”
“Yes. And caring. He might not say he loves me in so many words, but he’s stood by me through all the years that I was angry and tried to mess things up. Hey look, the sketchbooks are on sale! Didn’t you say you wanted one?”
You chew on your lip as you pick up the first one you can reach.
“Would you say that dad is perfect for you?”
“I don’t think anybody is perfect for anybody else. People are people. They change. So to make a relationship work, there has to be constant effort on both sides. What do you think, this one or this one?”
Your mom raises two identical looking pads of paper, and you find that you have no helpful opinion. After a short deliberation she picks the one on the right, because the cover has a watercolor rooster on it.
She slips it into her basket. “To answer your question, no. I don’t think your dad is the perfect man for me. In fact, he might not even be the best man for me. The notion of soul mates might be real for a few lucky couples, but for the vast majority there’s probably plenty of ‘better’ options out there than the person you end up with.”
You’re forced to hold onto your burning question as your mother wanders off to the paint aisle.
“So what keeps you together?”
“Love. Not just the feeling, but the action. When I say I love your father, I mean that I choose to love him, everyday. Even when he forgets to take out the trash or stops listening to me as soon as he spots a TV. And he chooses to love me, even when I’m a backseat driver and accuse him of forgetting to do the dishes on purpose.”
She stops to examine a tube of watercolor, looks at the price, then mutters, “That’s highway robbery.”
She puts it back with a shake of her head before turning to look you in the eye. “We might not like each other all the time, but we choose to love each other every day.”
This time when she wanders off, you don’t follow. In fact, you stand exactly where you are until a hovering college student forces you to move in front of the spray paint cabinet.
You’ve always known your parents were a story of opposites. As a child their marriage had seemed stable and happy, but as you grew older – and your relationship with your mother became more like a friendship of equals – your eyes were opened to all the cracks and tension underneath the veneer.
Yet despite their differences, they always found a reason to stay together. They chose love, as your mother called it, everyday. You wondered what instinct told them to continue to love and trust each other when they struggled to see eye-to-eye.
What had drawn Allie and Marcus together, for that matter? Was it safety? Was it just a feeling? Or was it the same unspoken thing that kept pulling you and Silco into its magnetic field?
It was worth investigating in the very least.
“Toots!”
Suddenly, you're being bowled over as a piece of blue braid smacks you in the face. Arms wrap themselves around your neck with startling strength as you’re overwhelmed by the smell of cloves.
“Jinx?” You manage to choke out.
Is this a sign?
“I can’t believe you’re actually here!” She lets you go and hops in front of you with a wide grin. “This is perfect. I was totally going to call you and see if you wanted to do something today, but Silco grounded me.”
“He what?”
“Yeah, he said that after the stunt I pulled last night I wasn’t allowed to do anything fun. He also said I had to apologize to you for leaving without saying anything, which I’ll admit was a little uncool.”
“It was a little uncool.”
Her smile falters at the flatness of your tone.
Her eyes dart to the side as her fingers find their way into her braids. “Yeah. I guess I just got so excited to see Ekko that when he said he wanted to see my stuff I just… I don’t know, lost my mind for a second. I really am sorry.”
She looks so genuinely ashamed that you can’t find it in your heart to be angry at her. Not completely, anyway.
Love makes you do crazy, stupid things.
“After what happened at your house I was scared when I couldn’t find you. And so was your dad.”
“I didn’t mean to get you into trouble with Silco.”
“I know. And that’s not your fault. You were my responsibility, and I didn’t own up to it. He had… has a right to be angry with me. But so long as you never do that again, we’re cool.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Her shoulders droop in relief. “Okay. Do you think... I mean Silco said he wanted –”
“Jinx, did you find that damned associate yet?”
Sevika rounds the corner, and stops short with a raised eyebrow and a gruff, “I’ll be damned.”
“Hey.”
“Why the hell are you here?”
My, your temper is blazing today.
“My mom has a gift card,” You answer cautiously. “Why are you here?”
She sneers. “Babysitting duty. The kid’s not allowed to go anywhere alone for the next 72 hours unless supervised by a responsible adult.”
Jinx crosses her arms. “As if you qualify as one of those.”
“Zip it short stack! You don’t think I have better things to do than walk you around this city all day like a fucking dog?”
Jinx snarls at Sevika, and the grown woman actually snarls back. The two look like seconds away from tearing each other apart.
You hastily step in. “Why don’t we call Silco and see if we can’t come to a better arrangement? For both of you.”
“You mean convince him to give her more leash?” Sevika laughs harshly. “Not likely.”
“No. I mean see if he’s okay with you handing her over to me.”
You hadn’t planned on making that suggestion, but now that you have, you realize that you might have just set yourself up for failure. Especially when they both look at you with glittering expectation in their eyes.
You pull out your phone and your finger lingers over the number below Silco's blurry, sneering face.
Has he forgiven you? You have no idea.
But ready or not, you’re about to find out.