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“I gotta a go mug a guy for a dinghy,” Ed said, matter of factly.
“Oh, ok.” Stede was unsure about the success of this plan to run away from the army, but he didn’t have a better one. At least he would be with Ed, which was becoming increasingly important to him. He’d had to be kissed in order to realize it.
“Get some sleep.” Ed clapped Stede on the shoulder with a smile and left. Stede nodded, his heart racing. He doubted that he’d actually sleep, though. Today he’d gone from not believing he’d ever be loved to being kissed by the man he cared about most in the world.
He rolled onto his side and curled up, a giddy smile spreading across his face. Was it completely mad to be doing this? Was it incomprehensably outlandish to run halfway across the planet from the entire British Government with the most wanted pirate of all time?
He sighed thoughtfully. The answer was certainly yes. On multiple levels. But then he reminded himself that people say that love is completely mad. And if Stede knew anything, he knew that he would follow Ed anywhere. He would go with him wherever, consequences be damned.
It was a powerful feeling. Stede hadn’t really had proper time to emotionally process Ed’s earlier confession and the subsequent kiss, but the rush of excitement and happiness that he was feeling now was unlike anything he’d ever previously felt. It was exhilarating. It was wonderous. All the words in all the books that Stede had ever read couldn’t describe what he was feeling at this moment.
‘I guess what makes Ed happy is… you…’
He’d said that so softly, the words escaping his heart in one concise sentence. Stede’s stomach had absolutely tied itself in knots. His stomach was still in knots, if he was being honest. But they were good knots. Some of them were nervous knots, nervous for what they were about to do. But he trusted Ed to figure everything out.
Ed had given up his life to save Stede’s. He’d renounced his life at sea so that Stede wouldn’t be shot. He had also accepted these conditions without a second thought.
Whatever did I do to deserve this?
There was a voice in the back of Stede’s head that he was intimately familiar with. It didn’t have a name, but if it did, it would be a love child between doubt and insecurity. “You don’t deserve this,” it hissed. “You ruin everything and everyone you care about. You’re not a man, you’re a monster. You’ll ruin him just like you ruined your family.”
Stede squeezed his eyes shut, curling in on himself. Go away. I’m happy now.
“You’re not happy! You’re delusional! Once Ed figures out that you’re going to hurt him he’s going to leave you. And you will hurt him, mark my words. Or I’m not Edward Bonnet.”
Stede’s eyes shot open. “Dad?” What the hell was happening.
He’d had this voice in the back of his head since he could remember and only now was it identifying itself. The part inside him that doubted himself, the crippling insecurity he faced on a daily basis, had now been identified as Edward Bonnet. His father.
Tears formed at the corners of his eyes. Nearly 40 years of shame and feelings of inadequacy spilled out as he softly began to cry. Stede had never felt like he was enough. Ever. He was never enough of a son, never enough of a husband, and now he wasn’t even enough of a pirate. He was a disappointment at every turn. Would he be enough of a partner to Ed?
Stupid, stupid Bonnet. He wiped his eyes and tried to sniffle as discreetly as possible. You shouldn’t be crying, you’re in an army barrack for God’s sake!
Maybe he should just leave. Spare Ed the pain of realizing that Stede has always been and will always be a disappointment.
Maybe he should just… leave.
The protest came from deep inside him. “No,” said another disembodied voice. Not a whisper, but a firm command. “You can’t leave him, he cares about you.”
Stede’s heart stopped. Of course. What kind of monster would he be if he left Ed on that dock alone? Ed would have no choice but to leave without him, and for some strange reason, Stede knew that if that happened, Ed would never be the same.
He was tired of running because he was inadequate. Why not run toward the danger? Old Stede would have given him an absolute novel on the risks and the implications of running from the English with motherfucking Blackbeard, but this Stede didn’t care.
“He cares about me,” Stede whispered to himself, uttering it as if it were a prayer. This was all the reasoning he needed. All of a sudden it didn’t matter what Old Stede would have done. Ed had made sure that Stede was reborn, that his spirit was renewed. Ed had given him the courage to live with risks and enjoy the day no matter what it threw at him.
Stede took deep breaths, his tears now gone. “I can’t leave him.” He closed his eyes. “I love him.”
…………………….
Ed hoped that Stede wouldn’t ask where he’d gotten the boat. He didn’t want to talk about the guard he’d knocked out and undressed so that he could impersonate him. He didn’t want to talk about the vaguely suspicious nature of the townsman who agreed to let him borrow the dinghy “for the night rounds.” Not like Ed had given the townsman much choice. He’d had a knife to his throat after all.
He’d docked the boat at the beach and scrambled up to the mess hall to get some food for them. Turns out because there’s such a strict curfew, the officers didn’t feel the need to protect anything in the kitchen, assuming nobody would break the rules like the good English soldiers they were.
Ed scoffed, shoving loaves of bread and wheels of cheese into a burlap sack he’d found. “Fuckin dumbasses,” he muttered to himself.
Stede was going to be expecting him at the docks in 15 minutes, so he ran to find a jug of water and headed toward the door.
An idea stopped him in his tracks. He turned around and moved toward the pantry. He doubted highly that they’d have anything close to what Stede was used to on his ship, but Ed wanted to do something sweet for him.
Grinning, Ed pulled two jars of marmalade from the pantry and walked out the door.
………………………..
Ed looked around anxiously, briefly afraid Stede had left him to go alone. That would be fucking horrible. What if I scared him off?
Then he saw him. His whole body relaxed and he grinned as he saw a silhouette he’d recognize anywhere.
Stede was sitting on the edge of the dock.
Running toward him, he whispered excitedly. “You’re here!”
Stede turned around. The look on his face was the same as when Ed had kissed him just hours earlier. There was an excitement, a renewed vigor in his heart and that emotion was plastered all over his face.
He grinned and stood up. “Of course, darling. I’ll always be here.”
Ed dropped the sack of food and wrapped his arms around Stede’s neck, enveloping him in a hug. Stede grinned, taking hold of Ed’s waist. “Glad to see you too, Edward.”
They stayed there for a bit, their bodies radiating heat onto one another. “We don’t have much time,” Ed whispered, grabbing for Stede’s hands. Their fingers interlaced and after a second more of a hug, he broke it so they could move toward the boat.
Stede followed willingly, climbing in after Ed. They sat facing eachother, exchanging happy glances.
“Where to, captain?” Ed’s eyes smiled, a matching grin plastered on his face.
Stede took a deep breath, new air in his lungs, new life in his soul. “Anywhere.”