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Steven liked Ned Flanders in early seasons of The Simpsons. He was kind, didn’t take himself too seriously, and seemed to actually live that ‘Christian Charity’ thing that so many people went on about, but ignored day-to-day. That didn’t mean he ever wanted to look like him.
“C’mon guys! You don’t know how it’ll look until we try it. I think we’d look dashing with a mustache.” Jake told Steven and Marc from the mirror.
Marc was shaving their face, but he hadn’t reached their upper lip, yet. He paused for a moment to chime in with, “It’ll look so weird until it fully grows in, though.”
“Dude, we can grow a full beard in a few days. I don’t think a mustache will take that long.”
“What if we end up looking like a total creeper?” Steven asked. “I don’t want women and children running from me every time I go to the park.”
“I think not falling asleep on people on the bus is kind of a bigger deal there, buddy.” Jake countered. Marc shrugged as if to say, ‘he has a point.’
“I don’t do that anymore! And it wasn’t like it was on purpose. It was just when I wasn’t sleeping. Because, I might add, you two kept hijacking my body whenever I did sleep and leaving me in strange places. As far as I knew, that was the only way to prevent it.”
“And how well did that work out?”
“Well, obviously it didn’t. But it was the best explanation I had at the time. By the way, if that was supposed to convince me to vote ‘yes’ on a ‘tache, it didn’t work.”
“Fine. Shave it all, Marc.”
“That’s what I was already doing. I have no idea why you thought otherwise.”
*****
A few months later, Layla had to travel to Japan for a couple weeks on Scarlet Scarab business. Apparently, some rich, American weirdo had taken an anime about a children’s card game a little too seriously, and was now amassing quite the collection Egyptian artifacts. Luckily for Layla, about 70% of them were fakes. But within the other 30% were some important and even powerful relics. Several gods were getting angry.
Normally, it wouldn’t take so long, but the man had spread his collection among several islands. Each time he discovered one of his storage locations had been broken into, he upped security on the others. She needed to keep a low profile, so she couldn’t just fly everywhere in her suit.
She did take a little pleasure seeing him working so hard to guard ones that only contained counterfeits. Seriously? A pot leaf on a vase? How could he possibly believe that was just how they drew lettuce back then? Well, that’s a weeb for you. They weren’t any more respectful of Egyptian culture as they were of Japanese.
The boys went with her for the first week, but then Khonshu had a mission for Jake that took him back to Europe. Marc and Steven were particularly unhappy about that, since each leg of Layla’s mission was a little more dangerous than the last. But Jake had his reasons for continuing his work as the ‘fist of vengeance’ and the other two didn’t get much of a say in it.
Marc wondered if they could bribe him into quitting with the promise of a mustache. But he was pretty sure that Jake would go back as soon as they shaved it off and it wasn’t worth having to keep one for the rest of his life.
He didn’t have to see or do any of the actual work, these days, and he and Steven still got to use the suit on Jake’s nights off. They ended up doing some street-level vigilantism on occasion, basically if they saw anything. It was pretty useful for helping Layla, though. She didn’t need them, really, but it gave them peace of mind and it was fun going on adventures together.
In this case, they ended up back home with five days until Layla was due to arrive.
“Alright, just us lads! What trouble are we getting up to while the missus is away?” Steven asked the other two the first morning, trying his very best to muster enthusiasm. But it was pretty clear that he just missed her. It had only been two days and the remaining five seemed to stretch out before him. This might be a little unhealthy.
They ended up spending the first day deep cleaning the flat. They tended to keep it pretty tidy these days, but it could always be cleaner, right? That night, they ordered takeout and watched a movie on some streaming service.
Steven typically enjoyed foreign films, but in this case, he felt he didn’t really ‘get’ this one. Not because it was in Spanish, they left the subtitles on, but just the subject matter bothered him. Something about a mentally ill man being paid by the director of his mental hospital for sex then kidnapping a porn star disturbed him too much to be able to see it for the ‘romantic comedy’ it was supposed to be.
One thing about watching a movie with your headmates that was different from just watching with your mates was that if you weren’t interested, you couldn’t just read a book or scroll on your phone or something. There was only one pair of eyes for the three of them. So, he went dormant for a while.
The next morning, it was still just Marc and Jake. They now had two days’ worth of stubble, as they hadn’t shaved the day before since they didn’t leave the flat. This was usually about when Steven started to grumble about itchiness, but he wasn’t here to complain, so they decided not to shave again.
It was rare to have a day with just the two of them and no plans. “Fishing?” Jake asked.
“Fishing.”
*****
By the time Layla was due to arrive back, they had a full-on beard. Steven trimmed it that morning to keep it neat; he wanted them looking their best when she saw them for the first time in a week. And he had to say, he thought they looked good.
That night, they met on the roof of a building in a sparsely populated area. Marc was in his full Moon Night garb, mask included, when she landed. After a hug, he pulled back and let his mask disappear.
Her eyes widened for a moment as she took him in before she kissed him hard. A slight growling noise emanated from the back of her throat. She pulled back, nuzzled against his cheek, and leaned up to whisper in his ear, “Fuck! You look so hot right now.”
He chuckled, “I take it you like the beard?”
Her only response was to run her fingers along his scruffy jaw, kiss him again and bite his lower lip. He took it as a yes.
*****
They kept the beard a few months, but eventually the novelty wore off. It made eating certain foods awkward, it was a little harder to keep the skin under it clean, and for some reason, some of Jake’s informants seemed to trust him less. The real death knell came in the Egyptian desert in 116ºF/47ºC heat. It was just too damn sweaty. That night, on their way back to the hotel, they stopped at a shop for a razor and some shaving cream.
Jake saw his opportunity. Normally, he’d just calmly try to plead his case. But this time, he couldn’t risk it. They had the mustache grown out. They were gonna shave the beard. All he wanted was to keep hair on their upper lip. Just for a week. If he could have a real mustache, just for a week, it would mean so much to him.
So, he wrenched control away from Marc while they showered. “Listen guys, just let me have this for a week? Do you know how much I’ve spent on fake mustaches over the years? How many I keep in my limo? We have the real thing now! Don’t throw it away.”
“Steven,” Marc started, “Call me crazy, but I think we should just give it a shot this time. He has a point. We’ve already grown it.”
“I mean, it’s two against one, so I guess I’m outvoted anyway but, ugh, I’m gonna look like Ned Flanders.”
“What?” Jake asked, “We look nothing like Ned Flanders!”
“Objectively, sure. But people see me differently than they see you two. They’re just gonna see this weird, wholesome, overly friendly doormat.”
“If you really hate it, we’ll get rid of it,” Jake told him, “But at least let me try?”
“Yeah, of course. And I am kind of curious to see how it looks.”
Marc added, “And as long as you don’t start calling people neighborino, or saying ‘okily dokily’ I think you’ll be fine.”
“So, I get my mustache?” Jake asked with so much hope in voice, Steven would never have been able to say no.
“Yeah, sure bud. You get your mustache.”
“Yes! You’re not going to regret this!”
The mustache lasted three weeks before even Jake decided there were advantages to the fake ones. But for the first two weeks, it was glorious. He took about 40 selfies, which was five times as many as he’d previously taken in his entire life.
Steven did kind of look like Ned Flanders, though.