Work Text:
okay so like
I’m picturing a canon-divergence AU that takes place after the first Avengers movie.
So Tony convinces Steve to do this Bachelor reality show thing as a charity publicity stunt to give the Avengers some good publicity so maybe people will forget to be pissed about how they kind of fucked up NY in the process of fighting off that alien army.
And Pepper hires a publicity team and they’re like negotiating with some big name network and making Steve do interviews to kind of hype his upcoming reality show spot and then he ends up coming out as bi on Ellen and his publicity team is like SHIT SHIT WE HAVE TO RE-DO EVERYTHING and re-negotiate w/ the network and re-do the casting call so the date contestants are now mixed gender.
And of course SHIELD wants someone on the inside in case some evil government agency tries to assassinate Steve or something so like they decide to have Natasha be a contestant, because nobody really got any close-up footage so the viewing public shouldn’t be able to recognize her as an Avenger, especially after she gets a super short haircut and dye job.
And it turns out there is an assassination plot, and the assassination plot is to make the Winter Soldier another contestant on the show, so you’ve got brainwashed amnesiac Bucky pretending to be James, the decorated war vet and Steve does a double take and thinks maybe he’s going crazy because the dude wears hipster jeans and keeps his hair in a bun and is super awkward around girls so he must just be a freakish lookalike right? And Steve doesn’t want to sound crazy so he doesn’t say anything.
[In this AU Hydra used Bucky less as a sniper and for more, like, James Bond type missions so he’s a little more mentally stable and less mindfucked than he was in CA:TWS because they needed him to actually be able to talk to people]
Steve meets Sam on set, who is of course another contestant and they immediately hit it off. Meanwhile Sam and Bucky kind of hit it off because shared PTSD experiences. And Natasha has her suspicions about Bucky and since this is a reality show about dating she ends up kind of flirting with him on the group dates as a way of trying to get info out of him — and the show runners pick up on this and decide that this can be the big love triangle — love triangles are great for ratings!
So it’s getting close to the finale and now Natasha and Bucky and Sam are the final three contestants. The show runners eliminate Sam (which Steve is NOT happy about) because they want to focus on the whole love triangle that’s not really a love triangle between Steve/Natasha/Bucky.
And of course Bucky’s not happy about it either because he and Sam have kind of become BFF and exchanged numbers and all bonding over being war vets.
And then Steve is like having a date with Bucky and it’s going super well and Bucky’s Hydra programming kicks in and tries to make him assassinate Steve, and of course Bucky doesn’t, and instead he ends up having what looks like an ENORMOUS PANIC ATTACK on camera that nobody really knows what to do with until Natasha comes in and starts talking to him soothingly in Russian and so Bucky and Steve’s date ends with Steve and Natasha holding back Bucky’s hair while he stress-vomits in the toilet.
And the next day Steve is like we need to just cancel this whole thing I can’t believe you talked me into this Tony this entire thing is a disaster, but Tony and the network are like NO THE SHOW MUST GO ON. We can give you, like, a month haiatus but then we need to film the finale there are these things in Hollywood they’re called deadlines.
[TIME PASSES]
So it’s a week later or something and James is mostly all recovered from the panic attack and starting to remember bits and pieces.
I dunno there probably need to be a couple more Stucky scenes in here. Some like SHIELD debriefing w/ Bucky about Hydra. Publicity people bitching about the delay in filming and Steve bitching about the fact that they’re even still filming at all wtf .
Bucky really starts to remember things blah blah bonding blah meanwhile the network want’s to wrap up the season so Bucky’s still kind of halfheartedly pretending to be James and no one is happy.
SO their month is up and everyone’s closer to relatively mentally stable enough to just wrap up filming and Steve is on his final date with Natasha. The finales for these reality shows are always rigged anyway, they’re gonna eliminate James and Natasha’s gonna win and this date is gonna go beautifully and Steve is going to tell her she’s the one and everything’s just gonna go smoothly according to the networks very particular publicity plan, right?
Wrong, because Tony had the bright idea to sneak in some Asgardian mead to make things interesting and the network decided it would be good for ratings and gave Tony the green light and the result is that Steve and Natasha get SUPER SUPER DRUNK and drunk Steve is maudlin Steve and maudlin Steve does not stay on-script, so he just starts going, “I’m worried about James. I wish Sam were here. Why’d we have’ta ’eliminate Sam I MISS SAM, NATASHA, CAN WE CALL SAM?”
And Natasha, who is also blotto drunk, thinks this is a GREAT idea. And the cameras keep rolling. And Natasha’s like, “Shit we don’t have his number. OMG WAIT JAMES HAS HIS NUMBER LETS GO FIND JAMES.”
So Natasha and Steve sneak into Bucky’s room (and the cameras are still rolling) and Bucky is like sitting on his bed, like, shirtless in pajama pants packing things into a carry-on because he knows this is his last night before he gets eliminated when these two drunkards sweep in like, “WE NEED UR PHONE.”
And Bucky’s like “WTF no, why? No. Aren’t you guys supposed to be on a date right now? Why are you drunk? Steve, I didn’t think you could even get drunk aren’t you a super soldier?”
And Steve’s like “YOU’RE a suprsolp..solph…solderyer.” (which is, okay, accurate)
And Steve just like climbs into bed and pushes Bucky down and rests his head on Bucky’s metal shoulder and goes “Pleeeeease can we borrow your phone? We wanna call Sam.”
Meanwhile Natasha’s already grabbed Bucky’s phone and she like really quickly shoves it into his hand and gets him to unlock it with his thumbprint while he’s distracted with Steve being all up on him giving him puppy eyes.
And so now all three of them are piled in Bucky’s bed (Bucky’s not protesting nearly as hard as he should be) drunk dialing Sam together (and the cameras are still rolling) and Sam picks up right away because he saw the whole panic attack episode and so he’s *worried* except when he answers it’s Natasha on the line like, “HI SAM. WE MISS YOU. WE WISH YOU HADN’T GOT ELIMINATED STEVE MISSES YOU SAY HI STEVE”
And she looks over and Steve is like making out with Bucky with his hand halfway down Bucky’s pajama pants (AND THE CAMERAS ARE STILL ROLLING) and Natasha’s like “Heeeeyyyy I wanna piece of that so she yanks Steve’s head back and shoves the phone at him so she can mack on Bucky.
And Sam is on the phone like, “–eve? Steve? Is James with you? What’s going on????”
And Steve’s like “SAM. SAM WE MISS YOU. WE WISH YOU WERE HEEEERE WE’RE IN BUCK-I MEAN JAMES’ ROOM AND WE’RE ON HIS BED AND HE’S NOT WEARING A SHIRT SAM. HE’S NOT WEARING A SHIRT AND NATASHA IS KISSING HIM AND THEY’RE SO BEAUTIFUL I WISH YOU COULD SEE THEM”
And then Natasha starts sliding her mouth down Bucky’s torso and Steve goes back to kissing him and Sam is still on the line just like, very very confused and yelling questions but the phone’s on the floor now and did I mention the cameras are still rolling?
And then finally the producer busts in like “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE GUYS THIS IS NOT THE SCRIPT.”
And that’s all I’ve got.