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He’d thought he was dying.
When Matty White’s vision finally cleared and he looked down to see all the blood soaking into his striped shirt, he’d thought he was dying.
Gwen Blake had struck him so hard with the rock in her hand, it had knocked the older boy down like a pile of bricks. He’d been left scrambling to get his bearings while his ears rang worryingly. As pain sparked along the side of his skull and his vision faded in and out of focus, Matty dragged himself across the ground. Pained whimpers fell from his lips, but no one noticed. He could hear the other kids behind him still struggling and scuffling, yet all he could think about was getting somewhere he could lean. His hands were shaking uncontrollably by the time he reached the fence and the smell of copper was starting to waft around his nose.
His friends were still messing with the Blake siblings and Matty’s eyes cleared just in time to see the vicious kick Buzz landed across Gwen’s face. Her head snapped back and a pained cry ripped out of her mouth. Her brother was screaming and all the noise made Matty’s head ache. He blinked dazedly as the girl crawled on hands and knees to sit beside him, her teeth stained red with blood. Matt R. and Buzz went back to kicking the shit out of Finney, but Gwen and Matty sat off to the side, bruised and bleeding and not able to continue the fight. Matty in particular thought he was about to pass the fuck out and so focused only on breathing slowly and not blinking too long as his friends finished their business. He felt the girl looking at him, but couldn’t meet her eye.
He didn’t go to school after that and then Finney Blake got taken by the Grabber on his way home.
The news had been a little jarring when the principal announced it the following Monday, police officers flanking her on the gym floor. It felt like only a week ago that Robin Arellano had gotten snatched too. That was the whole reason Matty had his friends go after Finney the Fag; no one to protect him anymore. As soon as the noid’s name crackled through the microphone, the entire student body turned towards a little girl sitting near the top of the bleachers. Matty strained his neck to see Gwennie Blake sitting like a statue with everyone’s eyes on her, tiny chin tilted up as she tried to be brave. The sharp ache along Matty’s temple let him know the girl hardly needed to try at all.
He’d spent the whole weekend with a killer headache and staggering nausea after Gwen had swung that rock at him. Even spending all Friday slumped across his bed, blood oozing into his hair, hadn’t seemed to be enough time to recover. When his mother had found him there after her shift, she’d been furious at him for skipping. However, when she saw the stains all across his sheets and shirt, she’d backed off a bit. His father hadn’t felt the same and after that Matty had another sore spot across his cheek. Getting slapped after being probably concussed hadn’t felt awesome; the sour smell of vomit had still been clinging to his carpet when he’d left for school that morning. And all through those miserable three days Matty White had thought about Gwennie Blake.
The police wanted to talk to him because of course they did.
He and his friends ganged up on some kid and then that kid disappeared?
It was stupid suspicious, even Matty could admit that, but he was adamant he hadn’t seen Finney after the fight. When the two detectives questioned why he had skipped school afterwards, Matty deflected. He didn’t want anyone to know he’d gotten his head literally rocked by some sixth grader. A girl sixth grader no less. Plus, Gwen seemed like she had enough shit to worry about without being charged with assault. It was nothing, a love tap, not half so bad as some of the shit his dad pulled on him. He told the cops school was for fucking nerds and he hadn’t wanted to come incase Finney had told on him. Not untrue, but really he hadn’t been able to get the tremor in his hands under control until late into the night. Plus bright lights and loud sounds were still making him wince in pain. With nothing to tie him to Finney, they eventually released him back to class.
He was skuling back towards his homeroom when he spotted her. Gwennie was walking along the wall, head down and eyes puffy as she headed in the direction of the nurse’s office. Matty wanted to talk to her. He wanted to cuss her out for nearly fucking killing him. He wanted to apologize for Buzz kicking her in the face. He wanted to ask her if she thought she was ever going to see her brother again. He wanted to say he hoped she didn’t. Instead he just watched her cagily, the lump on his head flaring with pain like it knew she was nearby. Gwen didn’t notice him. She slid right by as if one of them were a ghost, letting herself into the nurse’s office at the end of the hall. He wanted to know what kind of sick she was. Was she just tired and worried? Was her stomach hurting? Had Buzz knocked one of her teeth out? Matty had the thought that he would never know and was understandably startled when he realized that fact bothered him.
Because he wanted to know what was wrong with Gwennie Blake.
When he finally slid back into his desk, sneering at Donna Clarke who was eying him warily, Matty took some time to think. There was nothing being said at the front of the classroom that was more interesting than what his brain had just come up with in the hallway. Buzz and Matt R. had a different homeroom than him so they weren’t around to call him on acting so fucking weird. He hadn’t even seen them since chasing down Finney. It wasn’t like they’d checked up on him after he took a rock to the skull. Matty really didn’t have any other friends in the school so he let his bruised brain process this new information all alone.
He wanted to know about Gwennie?
He gave a shit about Gwennie?
What the fuck?
Matty had never, ever put much thought into Gwen Blake before she’d bashed his head in. She was just the annoying, foul mouthed little sister of the biggest pussy in school. She wasn’t scared of everything like her brother, but she didn’t go around looking for trouble. She didn’t call lots of attention to herself, but even in sixth grade it was easy to see she was going to be popular. Gwennie was well-liked. She was social and funny and seemed to know everything about everyone. Then there was her relationship with Finney which was this whole living, breathing thing between them. Matty didn’t have any brothers or sisters and so didn’t know what it was like, but from what he heard Gwen was her brother’s absolute best friend. That seemed weird, but nice at the same time. Matty wasn’t jealous, but he wasn’t not jealous.
Still, none of that explained why he suddenly gave a shit whether or not she was about to drop dead or something.
Maybe Buzz had kicked a bit of her nose bone up into her brain and now she was slowly bleeding out?
Served her right, but Matty didn’t want her to bleed out.
What the fuck?
The rest of the day Matty just frowned at Gwennie from afar. Passing in the hallway and during lunch and at dismissal he would find her long brown hair in the crowd and simply scowl in her direction. Buzz noticed on the way home and asked if he wanted to get revenge for his cracked head. Matty said no so quickly his friends shot him funny looks, but didn’t bother to question it any further. He wasn't glowering at her because he was angry. He was just confused. Because why the fuck couldn’t he stop looking at her?
After that, Matty tried to control his face around the preteen. The rest of that week he only looked at her, or avoided looking at her, when Gwen turned in his direction. Once he even caught her glaring at him , but the dark circles around her eyes and the tremble in the corner of her lips made it less intimidating. He didn’t return the gesture. Just kept staring forward with a carefully blank expression until she rolled her bloodshot eyes and looked away. She never approached him or tried to pick a fight because that wasn’t really her style and Matty wasn’t the only one looking.
People talked.
They called Matty an asshole for beating up Finney. They said the scrawny boy was never coming back. They whispered behind Gwennie’s back in the hallways and they stared at her in the lunchroom. She had become the new Amy Yamada, but she was never alone. Gwen had tons of friends and so there was always a gaggle of girls flocking around and keeping their gossipy classmates at bay. Matty wasn’t one of their classmates and he absolutely did not want to talk to Gwen about her brother, but he stared like everyone else. He stared so much he noticed when the sixth grader stood from her lunch table abruptly on Thursday and stomped out of the cafeteria. Dozens of eyes tracked her exit. God only knew why Matty got up to follow. He told his friends he had to take a piss and then walked out into the hall, eyes sweeping it quickly.
Gwennie hadn’t gone far though. She was sat on the steps leading towards the bathrooms, arms wrapped around her knees and head dipped low. Her soft murmuring made it seem like she was praying and Matty pulled up short, the stupidity of what he was doing finally catching up with him. He was probably the last person on earth Gwen Blake wanted talking to her right now. She would likely just finish what she’d started with that rock if he interrupted her prayer. The eighth grader floundered for what to do. He couldn’t turn back into the cafeteria. He hadn’t been gone long enough and it’d look weird. Gwennie was blocking the way to the bathroom so he couldn’t waste time in there. He was frozen on the spot and hadn’t thought of a single thing to say when the girl turned around, no doubt having heard the door open behind her.
There were tear tracks going down her cheeks, but they barely diminished the hateful glare she sent his way. She looked like she wanted to rip his throat out with her teeth and Matty’s mouth went dry while his head started aching again. So many girls in his school were worried about being pretty and well liked all the time and at that moment it was glaringly obvious that Gwen didn’t give a shit about those things. Her classmates liked her because she was likable, not because she catered to them. If people thought she was pretty, it was because she was, not because she put hours into primping and preening. Right then she was flushed with snot dripping out her nose and looking like she meant to hurt him and Matty still thought she was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen.
She seethed, “What do you want, you obnoxious fucking cuntwad?”
It was something Vance Hopper would have said if he’d known the word obnoxious and Matty almost laughed. Instead a breathy wheeze left his lips and he blinked owlishly at the younger girl. “Uh…you okay?”
“Is that some sort of stupid joke?” Gwennie spat, her eyes checking him up and down as if searching for a weapon. “Don’t act like you give a shit now. Finney’s face was still fucked up when the Grabber got him.”
Matty flinched. Not at the mention of him beating up Finney, but at the way she talked about the Grabber. No other kid in school was really brave enough to say the guy's name. Even when Robin Arellano had still been around, he never talked about the Grabber. They said once you said his name, he came and took you and no one ever saw you again. They said that’s why Vance was gone. Matty didn’t really believe it, but he wasn’t willing to take the chance. Gwen wasn’t afraid though and Matty supposed there was no reason she should be. The Grabber only grabbed boys and the most important boy in her life had already been taken.
The thought seemed to cross Gwen’s mind at the same time it did his because suddenly her breathing hiccuped. Her face stained a ruddy pink color and her mouth turned down at the edges. Tears leaked from her eyes like they’d been dragged out through torture and she was crying in earnest then. Small gasps and whines and whimpers echoed in the hall and Matty felt a shiver go down his spine. He hated crying. It was too weak and too vulnerable. Whenever his mom cried it always ripped at his insides. Whenever he cried his dad made sure to beat him twice as hard. He didn’t want Gwennie to cry like that. Something worse was always coming when you cried like that.
Feeling like he would rather die than try to actually comfort her, but not wanting to leave her all alone, the young boy skirted along the side of the hallway. When he reached the stairs he just leaned on the wall opposite of where Gwen sat, arms crossed defensively over his chest. He didn’t look at her, instead letting his eyes sweep up and down the hall to make sure no one was coming. Lunch was nearly over and then there’d be people everywhere. Pointing at her tears. Whispering about her cries. The thought made Matty grind his teeth and he clenched his fists, ready for a fight.
“Don’t cry, Gwennie,” he muttered.
The words felt like regurgitated glass on the way up.
The sounds of her soft sobs hitched a moment and then she was sniffling and coughing and trying to pull herself together. Matty knew the sound well. He dared a glance and saw Gwen was wiping her eyes on her jacket sleeve, the denim rubbing her tiny face raw. It was Finney’s jacket. The older boy stopped and started the same motion what felt like a hundred times before finally reaching into his back pocket. He pulled out a bandana, the one he used to keep his hair back in gym class, and held it out to her. She frowned.
“What the fuck’s that for?”
“For your stupid fucking face,” he grouched, tossing the bit of fabric at her in annoyance. It hit her chin and she scowled at him. “To wipe your eyes and shit.”
The preteen frowned at him like he was a hard math problem on the blackboard. Matty just sneered back, his face feeling hot under her attention. She gently brushed the bandana over her cheeks, never taking her eyes off him. Tears still clung to her lashes. “Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?”
Matty was still standing over her, but her question made him feel small. He insisted, “I’m not!”
“Fuck you, yes you are!” Gwennie snapped, despair apparently forgotten as she straightened her back. His bandana was fisted between her skinny fingers. “What? You feel guilty for being a total fart knocker now that Finney’s gone?”
“Fuck you, I don’t have to feel guilty about anything!” the thirteen year old denied, barely controlling the urge to aim a kick at her down on the step. He wasn’t Buzz. He wouldn’t be Buzz. “It’s not my fault he got grabbed!”
Gwen blinked rapidly, lips pressed into a thin, hateful line as tears sprang to her eyes again. Matty flinched back. Through her teeth she grit out, “I know that!”
She turned away with a jerk, hiding her face from him and being an absolute bitch in the process. Matty wanted to tug on her stupid hair to get her attention again. He wanted to sit beside her on the step so their shoulders brushed. He wanted to tell her her brother had been a stupid waste of space and he was glad he was gone. He wanted to say he’d start walking her to school if she wanted. So many things swirled in his head that it started to ache and he wanted to tell her her arm was mint; she’d knocked the absolute shit out of him. Instead he just kept standing stiffly at her side, ready to scare off anyone who came to fuck with her. He listened as she blew her nose exaggeratedly into his bandana and then sneered at her when she tried to hand it back.
“Keep it,” he huffed, uncrossing his arms when the bell finally rang overhead. Lunch was over. He looked down and Gwennie was getting to her feet, his bandana now sticking subtly out of her back pocket. She frowned at him.
“Thanks, I guess,” she said at length, like common courtesy wouldn’t let her not thank him. Even as she looked at him like he was a smear of dogshit on the bottom of her shoe. “For being here, or whatever.”
Matty knew he was blushing all the way up to his ears and clenched his fists threateningly at his sides once they were standing nearly face to face. She was shorter than him. “Tell anyone and I’ll pound you to dust.”
The sixth grader rolled her eyes. They were still red and puffy. She sighed, “Whatever, Matty.”
She was far off down the hall with Susie Mitchell and Buzz and Matt R. had already found him by the time Matty realized he hadn’t thought Gwennie Blake actually knew his name.
They found Finney Blake on Saturday and it was all anyone in Denver could talk about. Between the news reports and the parent call-tree and kids racing to their friends house to share what they knew, there was a lot of talking about the Grabber and his victims. Apparently Finney had snapped the man's neck with a telephone wire while some other guy had his head split open with an ax. Meanwhile, with Gwen's help the police found the bodies of all the other boys in a house across the street. That was probably the saddest shit Matty had ever heard because they said Griffin Stagg’s throat had been slit. They said Billy Scholtz looked like he’d been beaten to death. They said Bruce Yamada hadn’t been wearing any clothes. Every new piece of information made Matty feel sicker and sicker and all through the weekend he thought about Gwennie Blake.
The following week neither of the Blake siblings came to school, but that was to be expected. Matty’s mother droned on and on about ‘ that poor family ’ until her husband smacked the words out of her mouth. At home they didn’t mention the Grabber, but at school it was all anyone cared about. They said he’d been parading around as a part time clown in a black van. They said he’d blinded Finney and the others with wasp spray. They said his face had been beat to shit when they found him. Matty listened and searched for Gwen in the halls and didn’t find her and went home tired everyday.
When Finney finally appeared at school again the next week, it was like he had the ghosts of Vance and Robin walking on either side of him. Kids dove out of his way in the hall, pointed and gasped when he came around a corner. Matty himself stared dazedly at a face he’d thought he’d never see again. Finney stared back. He didn’t look angry or scared or happy or proud. He just looked alive. Like he knew he took up space and was totally okay with that as he moved towards his classroom. Matty watched him go, realized he didn’t want to kick the nerd’s ass anymore, and then immediately wondered where Gwen was.
It was stupid, really, how much her being gone for an entire week hadn’t lessened Matty’s disturbing new interest in her. He went through that day with his head on a swivel, eyes always sweeping any space he entered in search of the girl who had almost knocked his socks off in the literal sense. Buzz and Matt R. told him he was acting crazy paranoid and to not worry about Finney wanting to kill him too, but the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. Finney Blake had been kidnapped, probably tortured, and ghosted the guy responsible. No way was he still worried about Matty White who beat his ass two weeks ago.
At least Matty sure hoped not.
He saw Finney in and out of class all day, but didn’t see Gwennie again until dismissal. Everyone was spilling out of the school building, probably rushing home to tell their parents they’d seen the kid who killed the Grabber, when Matty saw her. Gwen Blake was standing by the front fence, smiling at her big brother as they set off towards their house. She had two braids in like the day she’d taken that kick to the face and Matty followed them at a safe distance until there were less witnesses milling about the sidewalk. He knew the way the Blakes walked home because it was the same way he walked home. So he knew the siblings had taken a different route for some reason and didn’t want to follow them any further lest he get turned around.
“Hey, Finney,” he called, throat scratchy with the cold. He’d left his friends behind and so was all alone when two pairs of eyes turned to him. They looked only a bit surprised to see him and Matty made a show of shifting his weight back when he noticed the way Gwennie’s brother positioned himself in front of her. “Is it true?”
“Is what true?” the boy prompted, voice flat. He sounded different and his eyes were haunted. Not skinny-boy-who-gets-bullied haunted, but soldier-coming-back-from-war haunted.
Gwennie was watching their exchange closely and Matty glanced at her. They hadn’t spoken since the day on the stairs, but she didn’t look like she was about to attack him so it felt like an improvement. He focused back on her brother. “That you killed the Grabber?”
Finney Blake had always looked a bit like a deer in the headlights whenever Matty confronted him about anything. All big eyes and trembling lips and quick glances trying to find an escape route. Now, he just looked his former bully dead in the eye and nodded. No words needed, just a gentle dip of his chin and promising silence. Silence that said ‘fuck with me again and you’ll be next’. Matty nodded back, fidgeting fingers hidden inside his jacket pockets as he smirked.
“Badass, Finney.”
“It’s Finn,” he said, making the other two kids blink in surprise. His eyes were lowered now as if in thought. “Just Finn.”
Matty muttered, “Cool…See you around, Finn.”
The other boy seemed to take the acknowledgement for what it was and turned back around, continuing to take their new route home. Gwennie trailed behind, eyes flitting between her brother and the boy from his class a few times. Matty watched her watching him and wanted to say something. Apologize for being a prick. Call her a rotten bitch. Tell her now she was the toughest kid in school. Instead he just smirked again when she dared to smile at him before hurrying after her brother, braids bouncing along her back. His bandana waved from her back pocket.
“Bye, Matty!”
It would take four years and about a million apologies before Gwen Blake would give Matty White the time of day. And even then he would have to get her brother’s permission before he could take her out on a date. But that day he was just happy she knew his name and had decided to grace him with a smile rather than a rock upside the head.