Chapter Text
“Hey, are you feeling alright?” Hyunjin asks, low enough that no one else in the group hears. He looks at Felix, searching his face for the answer he knows he won’t get. He’s been asking for weeks, never getting a word of truth out of him. It’s not that Felix doesn’t want to talk; he just can’t get the words past his lips; can’t even begin to explain how he feels.
“Yeah.” Felix says shortly, trying to be convincing even though it never is. He knows he doesn’t look well, he never does nowadays. He’s painfully aware that Hyunjin sits close enough to him to feel how skinny he’s gotten, his appetite all but gone since this all started. They’re on their way to the airport, split into two cars and Hyunjin sits between Felix and Jisung in the backseat, Chan taking the seat in front of Jisung.
“Did you have an appointment yesterday?” Hyunjin asks, meaning the appointment Felix has with his therapist at the same time every week. Hyunjin seems uncomfortable whenever the subject is brought up, avoiding saying the word therapist or her name. But he still asks about it which is more than anyone else does.
Felix looks at Hyunjin with annoyance, anger bubbling up in his chest. He’s never missed an appointment. Even with their busy schedule, his therapy is prioritized by their managers. He wouldn’t be allowed to skip it if he wanted to.
“Yeah.” he says flatly, looking intensely at Hyunjin, not letting up the eye contact even when Hyunjin starts fidgeting. He knows he’s being rude, but the anger that fills his chest at the smallest unimportant things take control over him. He’s helpless to it, completely at its mercy.
“Sorry I asked.” Hyunjin sighs, but there’s no venom behind his words. He looks out the car window, angling his body away from Felix. He probably doesn’t know he’s doing it, he’s just uncomfortable and it’s Felix’s fault.
Everyone is looking forward to their trip to the states. Even Felix has been counting down the days for weeks, exited to promote their new album and interact with their international fans. They will perform many songs for the first time, showing off their new choreographies and reveal this comeback’s looks. They get to finally speak about the thing they’ve been working on for months on end, it’s exciting.
The day is finally here, and all he feels is blinding anxiety. The only thing he can compare it to is when he goes to the dentist and feels like he’s walking to his death, but this is about his life, not some temporary thing that will be over in an hour. There are so many thoughts running through his head, he has trouble grasping onto any of them. He feels buried under all of them, the weight of it erasing any joy and excitement he once had.
“Let’s do our peak and pit.” Chan says, oblivious to the situation in the back seat. He sat Felix down last night and told him to suck it up and enjoy. He told him it’s just two weeks, that he can go back to moping around when they get back, to leave all his shit in Korea so they can have a nice time.
It was so shocking to hear those words come out of his mouth that Felix only nodded, unable to say anything. Felix knows he hasn’t been the easiest person to deal with lately, but he didn’t know it was bad enough to warrant that. He thought nothing could take the caring out of his fellow Aussie. He thought Chan understood that it isn’t that easy, that he can’t choose when to feel this.
“We haven’t even left.” Jisung states lazily. He has his eyes closed and arms crossed over his chest, pretending that relaxing will make him feel like he got more sleep. He stayed up late last night, working on music, said he was too ‘in the groove’ to care about sleep. He does that sometimes, always regrets it the next day.
“It will be a hope peak and pit.” Chan says with so much fake excitement it almost lifts the mood in the car. At least he’s trying. It must be hard to be the person everyone looks to for support when Felix won’t even tell him what’s going on.
“Why would we hope for a pit?” Jisung asks, giving up on his pretend sleep to sit up straighter. Chan turns around in his seat to look sternly at Jisung, Felix wants to laugh at the look on his face, he used to find this kind of thing very funny, but the laughter doesn’t come.
“Hope peak then.” Chan is unrelenting, insisting on bringing some positivity back into the conversation. “I’ll go first. I look forward to seeing American STAYs again, I love how they show their love so openly.”
“Mine is sharing our new music. Nothing beats seeing their faces when they hear a song live for the first time.” Jisung says. Normally their peaks would make Felix excited, he would be vibrating in his seat, unable to wait for those experiences. But every mention of where they’re going makes the pit in his stomach grow. It’s been seven months since they were last in the states, and if he never went back, it would still be too soon.
“Hyunjin?” Chan prompts, turning in his seat again to look at him with raised brows. Hyunjin side-eyes Felix subtly, but Felix feels it like a bullet. All of his relationships have crashed and burned in the last months, but the one he hoped would prevail was the one with Hyunjin, the one that means the most to him.
They had been dating for nine months when this started. And Felix went from an affectionate loving boyfriend to someone who he himself didn’t even recognize. He tried to pretend at first, to hide the changes and play the character of the Felix they all knew. But his relationships failed anyway, and he started to forget who old Felix used to be, this new one taking over.
“I don’t know, performing?” Hyunjin replies absentmindedly, ending it in a questioning tone that makes it seem like he doesn’t care. Felix knows how far from the truth that is. This is Hyunjin, the one who broke down in tears at their first show because he was so glad to finally get to that part of their career. And he just let himself cry, saying later that he felt like he was with family, so why hide it.
“Which part?” Chan tries to urge him on, not letting go of his falsely good mood.
“Just performing.” Hyunjin sounds annoyed and Chan drops it, looking over at Felix instead.
“What about you Felix?” He almost looks cautious, like he has no idea how Felix will respond, but he is prepared for the worst.
“Don’t have one.” Felix doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to think about it. In fact, he would be happy to turn the car around and cancel the whole thing.
“Nothing?” Chan sounds surprised, his brows shooting up as his eyes widen. Hyunjin and Jisung turn around to look at Felix as well, making him feel so small. “You’re not looking forward to anything? At all?”
“Sleeping.” Felix says after thinking about it for a moment. When he sleeps, he doesn’t have to think. He hates the attention he’s getting, feels like he can’t breathe under their glares.
“What is up with you?” Jisung sighs, looking at Hyunjin and Felix with heavy lidded eyes. It isn’t even mean or angry, he just looks defeated.
Felix knows it’s directed at both of them, but he can’t help the way it hurts. Hyunjin isn’t the one who hasn’t been himself for a while. He’s not the one who’s snappy and rude and sarcastic in all the wrong ways. It’s Felix’s fault that the others aren’t excited. They’re too worried about how he’ll behave.
Felix would never disappoint STAYs, but seven months ago there were many things he would never do. One by one, he crossed the things off his mental list until he completely threw it out. He’s learned to never say never, makes the guilt and disappointment a little less when he eventually does it.
No one speaks for the rest of the car ride. Felix’s bad mood is clearly felt by everyone, and no one dares test him any further. The mood couldn’t be improved no matter how hard they tried anyway; this runs much deeper than what happened in this car on the way to the airport.
When they arrive at Incheon airport, the first person out of the car is Chan, followed by Jisung. They wave to the cameras and head inside surrounded by security. Then Hyunjin slips out. He doesn’t squeeze Felix’s thigh or nod reassuringly at him or tell him he can do this like he’s done every other time for the last half a year. He doesn’t even glance in Felix’s direction as he leaves him alone in the car.
The moment the door slams shut, leaving Felix in silence, his heart jumps into his throat. He can feel it pulsing in his face, throbbing against his ribcage. He doesn’t have time to do anything about it before he’s ushered out of the car and into view of flashing cameras and screaming reporters. It makes him feel like he’s in a glass box, something sucking all of the air out from around him while everyone watches him suffocate.
Usually, he would have Hyunjin by his side, helping him through the anxiety. Hyunjin would hold him close and remind him to breathe while guiding him inside. Now he feels lost, panic multiplying by the second. He tries shielding his eyes from the flashes to see where he’s going, but that is met with screams to show them his face. Every flash takes him back there, to the flickering streetlight above them.
Frozen in his spot, he can’t move. Too much is going on around him and he isn’t even fully here. His temples ache from all the noise, head feeling like it will explode from the memories rushing in. His palms grow sweaty where his hands shake deep in his hoodie pocket. His eyes are glued to the pavement in front of him, vision blurry. He’s violently shaking, legs moments from collapsing underneath him.
The chaos in his head gets so loud, he starts pulling at his nails, ripping off any lose skin just to feel the physical pain. He is so exposed, vulnerable for anyone to take advantage of. Being in front of cameras capturing his every move makes everything so much worse. He’s aware that he’s panicking and that they’re capturing it, but he can’t stop it from happening.
Moving feels impossible with how many eyes are on him, the panic keeping him in place. They’re probably judging him, speculating about why he stopped walking, why he can’t make his body move. The worst part is that there’s no way out. He can’t go back to the car, and he can’t get inside. He isn’t in fight or flight, he’s just frozen, surrendering to the chaos.
Suddenly, there are hands on him and someone shielding him from view of the reporters. Felix draws in a surprised breath as he jumps back, trying to get away from whoever it is. His hands come out of his pocket, ready to protect himself this time.
“Sorry, I’m sorry.” A familiar voice says, then the hands are off of him, the person taking a small step back. “It’s just me, you’re okay.” Hyunjin reassures him. Felix breathes out shakily, throat burning when he draws in another sharp breath right after. He can’t take a deep breath no matter how hard he tries. Every attempt leads him deeper into his panicked state.
“Okay, hold on.” Hyunjin says breathily, attempting to appear normal in front of all the cameras. He takes Felix’s shaky hand in his own, ready to lead him inside so he can calm down, but Felix jumps back again at the touch, curling in on himself with a panicked screech. He’s kneeling down on the pavement now, choking on shallow breaths, hands shielding his eyes from the flashes.
Hyunjin goes into protective mode, knowing that this is happening right here, right now. He sits down in front of Felix, cross legged with enough space between them that Felix won’t feel suffocated. If he’s lucky, his body shields Felix from view, at least enough to limit what’s visible in the photos they’re taking.
He knows talking is too much for Felix to comprehend during a panic attack, so he scoots a little closer and reaches for Felix’s hand again. When Felix tries to retract his hand with a startled noise, Hyunjin holds on. Then he guides the hand down to Felix’s throat, just below where his jaw and ear meets and presses Felix’s fingers into the skin.
Once Felix understands and keeps his fingers there on his own, Hyunjin lets go. It’s something Hyunjin noticed after seeing Felix press his fingers into his pulse point whenever he was stressed or anxious. Felix has had panic attacks for as long as Hyunjin has known him, but on their last trip to the states they took a turn for the worse. Any attempts at calming him down failed, no one was able to reach him when he got like this.
Until Hyunjin remembered his habit of feeling his pulse and decided to try it. Since then, Felix has only allowed Hyunjin to be near him during a panic attack. Anyone else who tries coming close is pushed away, fought off and causing him to scream in fear. It’s heartbreaking to just watch, but Felix won’t let him in so Hyunjin can’t do anything but try to be supportive.
Felix’s breaths lengthen a little and Hyunjin breathes out in relief. “You’re safe, it’s okay, don’t worry.” He says, trying to tell Felix not to worry about the cameras and people without overloading him with words while he’s still so fragile.
The attack seems to leave as quickly as it came on, leaving Felix with tear tracks on his cheeks and snot running down his chin. He is leaning forward now, forehead resting against Hyunjin’s shoulder. With a little maneuvering they manage to get Felix’s backpack off so Hyunjin can get some things.
Felix gratefully takes the tissue Hyunjin holds out for him and wipes at his face. Hyunjin continues to go through the backpack and without pulling his hand out, he shows Felix a pill bottle, looking questioningly at him. Felix shakes his head. He took two before they left.
“Should we move inside?” Hyunjin asks. He wants to get Felix somewhere more private. It’s only been a couple of minutes since they left the car, hopefully they can save the situation. The longer they take, the more suspicion will arise and the wilder the stories will be.
Felix nods again, pushing himself up on shaky legs. Hyunjin watches in amazement when Felix’s face changes and he waves and bows at the cameras, looking almost normal. He still walks unsteadily, hands shaking, but Hyunjin is the only one close enough to notice.
Felix deflates a soon as they’re inside, retreating back into himself. The confident façade disappears, completely gone by the time they join the rest of the group at their gate.
“Took you long enough.” Jeongin says in a light tone. The words are like a punch in the gut. Felix doesn’t look at anyone when he sits down on one of the hard metal chairs away from the others and curls up as tightly as possible.
Tears press behind his eyes, lump lodged in his throat. The photos are probably already out. He messed everything up for everyone. Now rumors will follow them wherever they go for the whole trip and people will be asking Felix questions about it. He can’t blend into the background, letting everyone else talk. How could he do that to his friends? This was supposed to be an exciting trip for them.
He tightly shuts his eyes, hoping nothing escapes them. His eyelids hold everything inside, like a wall between the world and the storm swirling inside his head.
“Innie.” Hyunjin says in warning. He’s the only one who sees Felix’s distress at the comment, probably because he’s the only one who knows what just happened. And he’s the only one who makes Felix feel seen, the only one who supports Felix even though he’s being a dick. Sometimes Felix unintentionally hurts him, but Hyunjin always comes back because he sees that the anxiety and anger are just symptoms of something else.
“What? I just said you were slow. Did you get stuck in the door or something?” Jeongin continues, not catching onto the lack of humor in the room. Just like Chan, he’s trying to lighten up the mood, failing to see that his efforts are having the opposite effect.
“Not the time.” Hyunjin says shortly and sits in the seat beside Felix. Jeongin looks taken aback when he finally notices the Australian’s posture. Felix is easy to read, his body language louder than words. Everyone else seem to catch on at the commotion, turning their attention to the couple.
“Are you okay?” Chan asks, concern in his voice. Felix doesn’t lift his head, struggling to believe he really cares after what he said last night. The attention is on him again, and he can’t stand it. How is he going to handle promotions when simply having the members attention is too much?
“Mhm.” Felix makes a sound, too exhausted to speak. The attacks really take it out of him, making him feel like he’s at the end of a full day of practice, running on no sleep and having had no time to eat properly. The truth is that most of the time he does run on no sleep and doesn’t eat properly, but that isn’t for lack of trying.
“Did something happen?” Chan keeps asking, the question directed mostly at Hyunjin.
“No.” Felix says, wanting to pretend it didn’t happen for a little longer. He wonders what people are going to say when the pictures get out. Maybe there’s even a video of it. He can’t think about it without the breath getting stuck in his throat again.
“He panicked.” Hyunjin says and Felix wants to shout at him to shut up. He doesn’t feel the need for everyone to know that his anxiety got the best of him. It’s embarrassing that he broke down the way he did, that he couldn’t keep it together for long enough to get inside, everyone doesn’t need to know about it.
“Were you with him?” Changbin asks. Felix hides his face in his knees, taking comfort in Hyunjin’s hand that lands on his shoulder. Hyunjin seems to always know what Felix needs without having to ask.
“No, I came back when he wasn’t following me. I thought he was right behind me, but he was still by the cars.” Hyunjin says, sounding a little guilty. Hyunjin knows their members are just trying to piece together what happened, but it feels like he’s being interrogated. The most important part is that Felix is okay now, he thinks they handled it the best they could, the rest is up to their legal team.
“He was alone?” Changbin asks, almost in disbelief.
“That’s never been an issue before?” Chan questions. Felix’s anxiety is nothing new, neither are the attacks. However, he thought they had a clear view of what he needed help with and what caused the anxiety. Social setting has never been the issue. He might be a little quiet compared to some of the others, but he loves being the center of attention.
“I shouldn’t have left you.” Hyunjin says, directing his words at Felix. “I was being petty, I’m sorry.” He can feel Felix start shaking under his palm. Felix has his eyes squeezed shut at this point, wanting nothing more than for this conversation to end.
“It’s no one’s fault, we just have to be more careful with him.” Changbin says in an attempt to comfort Hyunjin. They’re talking about Felix like he isn’t in the room, like he can’t hear every word.
“Guys, he can hear you. Don’t talk like he isn’t here.” Hyunjin says a little too loudly, frustration bleeding into his voice. He moves his hand to Felix’s neck, massaging it in a way he hopes is comforting. Everyone is silent for a moment. Seungmin, Minho and Jeongin are pretending to be busy on their phones, not wanting to get in the middle, and Jisung is asleep across a few chairs, unless he’s pretending again.
“The cameras caught it?” Chan says in a high-pitched whisper-shout, sounding like he just realized where it happened.
“Yes, but I tried to hide him from view. The important thing is that he didn’t get hurt, we can deal with any other consequences.” Hyunjin grows more frustrated by the second. They shouldn’t talk like this in front of Felix, but his attempts at stopping them fall on deaf ears.
“You couldn’t get inside?” Chan asks, no ill intent behind the words but still hitting Felix right in the chest. He should’ve just gone inside, he knows that. Why did he have to freeze like that? Why couldn’t he choose to collapse once he got inside instead?
“Guys, relax.” Jisung steps in. “He’s okay now.” No, Felix thinks, he’s not okay now, not at all.
“Has his anxiety gotten worse?” Chan asks and ice runs down Felix’s spine.
“He’s still here.” Hyunjin snaps, retreating his hand when he senses that it’s causing Felix more distress than comfort.
“I don’t know, maybe.” Changbin replies to Chan as if Hyunjin didn’t say anything.
“Shut up.” Hyunjin says sharply, making Felix jump in his seat. It feels like liquid fire is pumping out of his heart, spreading everywhere and he can’t breathe.
“He wouldn’t have a panic attack on the street a few months ago.” Chan continues, undeterred. Felix can’t listen any longer, the storm brewing up in his chest is coming out.
“I should just hold it in, right?” Felix snaps, glaring at Chan. “Just leave my bullshit at home and behave so you won’t look bad. Because of course I choose to feel this way. What did you say again? To just ‘pull it together and enjoy’?” For once, the venom in his voice is justified. Chan looks taken aback, the silence in the room deafening.
Felix takes a hold of his backpack and flees to the nearest bathroom. Once inside, he almost rips open the backpack, digging through it, desperately looking for the pill bottle he declined earlier. With shaky hands he opens it and shakes two of the oblong white pills into his palm. He takes a long look at them, mind racing before another one joins them. Tilting his head back, he swallows them dry.
He leans on the sink, supporting his weight on shaky arms and waiting for the release. It’s less of a release than it used to be. It used to make him feel like jelly, like he could be in a life-threatening situation and still be relaxed. Now it’s a feeling of just being able to face the world when the release hits. It makes it possible for him to get back out there and keep going.
The person staring back at him in the mirror is unrecognizable. Permanent dark circles, his eyes sunken in and he’s lost too much weight without trying. He always dreamed of being this skinny, but it didn’t solve any his problems. Now he just looks sick.
The person in the mirror won’t let him look away. He expects him to start moving, to reveal who he is, what he is, but he doesn’t, just stares back at him with wide eyes. The reflection doesn’t need to say or do anything though, Felix can beat himself up just fine without any help.
No one needs to tell him he’s worse, he’s felt the decline. Day by day he’s lost the ability to do what he could do before, increasingly depending on help. He feels like he’s lost his independence, the thing he holds highest in life.
He can’t figure out how people survive this kind of thing, how they pick themselves back up and heal. He didn’t choose to be in this situation, someone else made that decision, but he’s the one dealing with the aftermath. It’s unfair.
Leaning closer to the mirror, Felix whispers the question he’s been asking himself for months. “What are you?” The reflection doesn’t reply, just continues to stare back at him.
A knock on the door makes him look away, breaking the spell. He didn’t expect an answer anyway. If he had the answer within him, this wouldn’t be happening, there wouldn’t be a need to ask.
“Felix?” Jisung calls from the other side of the door, knocking again. Something breaks in Felix’s chest when he hears his brother’s voice. His head drops to his chest as a sob shake through him, the tears finally spilling over. He tries to stifle it, but Jisung still hears.
“Felix? Can you please let me in?” Jisung pleads. Felix’s need of comfort outweighs his embarrassment, leading him to the door and unlocking it. At the sound of the lock, Jisung opens the door. When he sees Felix’s tear-stained face, he wraps himself around him, holding him tight.
“I told them to fuck off.” Jisung says. Felix chuckles wetly, another sob wracking through him. The thing about Jisung is that he would actually flat out tell them to fuck off and they would listen.
“I don’t need them to tell me I’m worse.” Felix mumbles into Jisung’s shoulder, tears wetting his shirt.
“They shouldn’t have. They wouldn’t have if they knew what it’s like.” Jisung says and Felix lets himself be comforted by his words. Jisung knows better than anyone what he’s going through. He’s experienced fist hand the strangling panic and paralyzing chaos going on inside.
Jisung lets go for a moment and for the second time this morning Felix is handed a tissue. Felix takes it with a shy smile, wiping roughly at his face even as tears continue to fall.
His vision swims for a moment, shifting his attention to the feeling spreading through his body. Warmth chases away the ice in his veins, melting away the lump in his throat. He leans into Jisung, relaxing into the release as it finally numbs his pain.