Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was his inauguration. Snow had finally gotten everything he wanted. It wasn't hard, it wasn't improbable. No, it was simply what he deserved.

The President of Panem.

Snow looked in the mirror, at his curls that fell down his neck, the starts of lines on his hardened face, and the glittering blue vest handmade by Tigris. He was the picture of perfection.

As he straightened his puff tie, his eyes caught the glimmer of his ring. It was a gift from the Plinths.

He stretched his hand out, admiring the gorgeous metals. It was beautiful. Everything was going as planned.

So he didn't know why there was suddenly a lump in his throat.

He had worked so hard for this. This was what he deserved! It didn't make sense.

Snow clenched his fist, watching it tremble.

It never left him. No matter how much he tried, how much he forced himself to move on and understand he had to do it. He had to.

Oh, Sejanus. Snow never knew he'd miss him so much. Him and—

"Sir?"

It was one of the servants.

"They're ready for you."

Snow stiffened. He took off the ring.

The servant led the way.

It was glorious—everything he deserved. The people of the Capitol screamed and cheered for him. They loved him ever since he won the tenth Games.

Snow raised his arms and grinned brilliantly at the crowds. He knew this was all being broadcast to the districts. Good. Let them see their savior.

He looked over and saw Dr. Gaul standing with other officials and high-standing members of the Capitol. Their eyes met. She gave him the slightest nod, as pride shone in her eyes. He nodded back.

It was what they deserved.

After, they all feasted and dined the night away. Everyone was in a good mood, even those afraid of him. That night, he didn't bother with reprimanding or punishing those who crossed him.

There would be plenty of time for that tomorrow.

Snow was served another glass of white liquor by a shy Avox. Those creatures always disgusted him. He waved the being away and sipped the drink.

The tang reminded him of another night. One that seemed miles away. Snow buried the thought.

"Congratulations, Coriolanus," Strabo Plinth greeted with a genuine smile. He stood tall, albeit a bit more frail than in the years past. "Sejanus would be so proud."

Snow raised his glass. "This is all because of him."

As the festivities raged on, Snow found refuge in his office. His head had been swimming from the drink and he had needed a breather from all the surface congratulations and compliments. For some reason, these people sickened him to no end.

Snow sat in his chair, absentmindedly drumming his fingers along the oak desk.

He found himself reaching into his pockets and pulling out the ring.

Strabo Plinth's words rang in his ears.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. Snow reflexively slid the ring on his finger and straightened.

"Come in."

Dr. Gaul opened the door and stepped in, beaming at Snow. Snow smiled back.

"You did it, young Snow."

Snow dipped his head ever-so-slightly. "I have you to thank, Dr. Gaul."

"You paved your own way," she stated matter-of-factly. "I only helped."

Snow went to argue some more, to really draw out the pleasantries, but she held her hand up.

"Please. Enough of this. I didn't come to trade compliments."

Dr. Gaul held the door wider and beckoned to someone. Snow tried to peer around the doorframe. A guest? Perhaps another official?

And then the most beautiful girl entered the room.

Lucy Gray Baird.

Blood rushed to Snow's face and his stomach dropped, not believing his eyes for one second. But it was her.

Her wild, dark hair was tied back in a stiff ponytail, and she wore a plain gray dress. It looked so wrong on her, so dull compared to her radiance.

They stared at each other, both overwhelmed.

Snow heard his heart pounding furiously in his ears. He didn't know how she was here, what she was doing here, what she was thinking. He never felt so frightened and happy and shocked all at once. He suddenly wanted to cry.

She was gaunt, so gaunt and thin, and her skin was worn with marks and scars he didn't recognize.

"Lucy Gray," he said in the quietest of whispers.

She only looked back, pained and pleading.

Snow looked to Gaul for answers. She had a wicked, unnatural smile.

"Of course, we found her. It seemed like she was running to the remnants of Thirteen." Dr. Gaul placed a hand on Lucy Gray's shoulder. She flinched at the touch. "We tortured and interrogated her for months. She never once spoke."

Oh.

No, this couldn't be. Please, no.

But Gaul continued.

"And then what to do with her? We didn't know. We didn't want to tell you, to interrupt your pursuit and work that was helping the Capitol greatly. So we kept her hidden, in the prisons."

Something tugged at Snow's heart. Something he hadn't felt in years.

"But not before we cut out her tongue."

Snow stood, knocking back his chair, his hands shaking.

"Silenced your little songbird, as you would've liked." Gaul's eyes flickered. Snow couldn't understand it. She knew how much they meant to one another. But perhaps...perhaps this was just more revenge, more punishment. Gaul always knew what he knew. She must've figured out their plot, even without Lucy Gray's confession. "You always hated mockingjays and their songs. I just did you another favor."

Tears rushed to Snow's eyes. He hated himself for being vulnerable, emotional. But even more, he hated Gaul.

Lucy Gray was never a mockingjay. She was more.

Gaul took a step back, her hand finding the door handle again.

"I'll leave you two to reacquaint yourselves. I just wanted to give you your gift." Gaul gave him one more look. "Congratulations, President Snow."

Then the door closed.

For the first time in years, Snow had no idea what to do. Lucy Gray stared at him, and Snow could see hundreds of emotions flitting through her eyes.

She couldn't sing. Her beautiful voice—gone.

Snow took a step forward. Then another. Then another, until he was only inches away from her.

At this distance, he could see her aged, tired face. Her once bright eyes now dulled and tormented by Gaul's torture and imprisonment. Her lips, the very ones Snow had kissed and touched and loved, cracked and split from a fresh wound.

Lips that never once opened and betrayed him.

He hoped she would strike him. Maybe even kill him.

"Do you hate me?" He whispered softly, hating the burning tears in his eyes.

But the same tears fell from Lucy Gray's lovely eyes.

She wilted. And with the softest touch, she caressed his face.

Snow leaned into it, feeling her fingers run along his cheek. He'd craved her touch for years. Now, he had it again.

But it wasn't the same. Her hands were callused, rough, and scarred. And there were so many miles between them.

They stared into each other's eyes, deep and longing. Longing for what they could never have again, for what they lost. Because of him.

Lucy Gray nodded.

Pain blossomed in his chest. Of course she did.

It was what he deserved. It was all he deserved.

Snow's eyes fell shut. She would never love him again, even as she was right there, touching him.

He won the Capitol, became President, and got everything he wanted.

Everything and nothing.

Lucy Gray and Sejanus, the only two people outside his family he ever loved, who ever loved him too, were gone.

He'd never have them again. He'd never be loved again.

Lucy Gray took her hand away. Her eyes fell to the ground. The Plinth ring burned on his finger. 

Snow landed on top.

He never felt lower.

Chapter Text

Snow didn't sleep that night. He should've, it should've been the best rest of his entire life, full of dreams of what the future held as the new President.

But he just lay there, staring blankly at the ceiling, his heart racing and never quite settling down to a normal beat.

She was alive.

He tried closing his eyes. Only the sounds of Sejanus's last words and flashes of Lucy Gray's broken eyes came to him.

"Congratulations, Coriolanus."

Livia was sweet, with a polite smile that didn't quite reach her cold eyes. It didn't matter. They weren't together for love or passion or anything silly like that. It was political, strategic. They both knew it.

"Thank you, Livia." He cut into his eggs with precision.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

What could she do? What could she possibly do? Snow sighed, pushing the extravagant food around his plate and hating himself for not wanting it.

"Just enjoy yourself. You're the President's partner now."

Livia nodded. She beckoned to an Avox to refill her drink.

The Avox was a young, wiry girl with short blonde hair. She obediently poured juice into Livia's cup, ducking her head to avoid eye contact with either of them.

Snow watched her. Was this Lucy Gray's fate?

He'd left his past love in the prisons for the night, but he knew it was temporary. She couldn't rot there. She wouldn't.

"Stupid girl!"

Snow's eyes snapped to Livia after her sudden outcry. She was glaring at the Avox, who had spilled some juice on the tablecloth, which dripped onto Livia's lap.

In a foreign move of anger, Livia snagged the Avox's wrist and yanked her to the floor. With the higher ground, Livia slapped the girl hard across the face. Blood splattered across the white floor.

"Pity a foolish creature like yourself has ruined its second chance."

Livia nodded to the guards, who immediately swooped in and yanked the Avox to her feet, dragging her out the door and most likely to a dark fate.

Snow had watched it all, his lips pursed and stomach twisted.

Livia caught his eye.

"Pathetic, aren't they?"

"Was that necessary?" Snow calmly countered. He raised his own glass to his lips and took a shaky sip. "It was a mistake."

"Oh, don't be so sympathetic, Coriolanus. You're the President now. You must act like one." Livia stood, pushing back her plate. "Or else you won't last."

Her words did little to affect him. He stared at the blood, vivid and dark against the pale ground. It seemed to taunt him. He felt sick.

Snow wrestled with meetings and conferences for hours. Everyone had something to say. About the Games, the Districts, Capitol renovations, new technology, military upgrades, and a hundred other ideas that made his head hurt.

He thought he already knew everything there was to know about how the Capitol ran. He was wrong again.

At the end of the night, Snow found his feet carrying him to the prisons below. They were high-tech and clean, and the cells were all soundproof. Often, they weren't as bad as they seemed.

As Snow peered into Lucy Gray's cell, he saw her huddled in the corner, clutching her head.

The door slid open.

Her eyes shot up, stricken with terror. She barely relaxed at the sight of Snow, and it unnerved him even more. They used to be each other's reprieve.

Her hair had been undone from the strict ponytail, and now it messily fell down her shoulders, long and curly. How he ached to run his fingers through it.

Snow pulled out a bag behind his back. It was full of soft foods, including custards made by Ma Plinth. He vaguely remembered her saying how the treat was easiest to eat for Avoxes.

Not that he considered Lucy Gray an Avox. She could never be one of them.

He stretched the bag out to her, and when she didn't move to take it, he set it down.

It eerily reminded him of the Games, of giving her food days before she was sent into the arena.

Perhaps she had the same thought, for her face softened.

"I thought you would betray me," he explained defensively. His tongue was dry and heavy. "I was—I was scared. I couldn't risk it, I couldn't leave any loose ends."

Lucy Gray winced at that. He cursed himself immediately. She wasn't a loose end. Damn.

Oh, how he wished she could talk to him.

But then she raised her hand. Snow followed the movement raptly. She pointed at the door, then at herself.

Snow frowned. Lucy Gray repeated the movement, jabbing her finger at the cell door and then at her chest. Her eyes were cold, determined.

She wanted to leave. She wanted him to let her leave.

He couldn't let that happen. Where would she go? What might she do?

But then he deflated. That was what he thought last time. And she didn't do anything at all.

"I'll...I'll see."

It wasn't the reaction she wanted.

He saw her answer in her face.

You owe it to me.

His mouth was so, so dry. Snow stood and backed up.

"Good night, Lucy Gray."

She looked away.

It bothered him for a few days, trying to figure out what to do with her.

He thought he was being rather subtle about it, pouring his focus and energy into his new responsibilities. But Livia, one of his oldest companions and now dutiful girlfriend, picked up on it.

"What's gotten into you, Coriolanus?" She blurted out during their daily walk. "Do you long for something else? Something greater than being the President of Panem?"

"I have a lot on my mind," he snapped back. Sure, she didn't deserve it. But he didn't care. Lately, every time he saw Livia, he also saw the blonde, bleeding Avox.

"Right. Like your old girlfriend?"

Snow froze. He looked at her, a chill creeping up his body.

Livia snickered humorlessly. "Yeah. Dr. Gaul told me. She thought I should be warned."

He loathed the meddling doctor so viciously. She never once stopped undermining him. Snow's mind reeled. There had to be something he could do about it now. He was the fucking President.

"There's nothing to worry about—"

"Then what are you going to do about her?" She glared at him. Snow absentmindedly wondered how she could despise him so much and still spend every day with him. He wondered how he could do the same. "You can't possibly still love the filthy traitor. Just have her executed and be done with your past."

"My past is me," Snow answered, surprising even himself with the confession. "I'll do with her as I please."

Livia stiffened, stunned at his retort. Did she expect him to lie down and roll over? To submit to her?

Snow placed a hand on Livia's cheek, as Lucy Gray had done to him the other night. But unlike her, Snow's grip was tight. Threatening.

"As you said, my dear Livia, I am the President. And I can do anything I want. Isn't that right?"

Her eyes were wide, fearful. Snow was sure he'd crossed a line now. It didn't bother him in the slightest.

She looked down and nodded, mumbling apologies immediately. They both knew her and her family's life would be over if he left her. And he was tempted to.

Snow turned away and left, abandoning the girl where she stood.

Another messenger had come when he was out.

He scowled automatically, figuring it to be yet another pointless meeting.

Yet after a profuse apology, the messenger explained that the Plinths requested a visit from him. They had some sort of surprise to show him.

Snow, of course, accepted and headed to their place immediately. They no longer lived close together, with him having moved into the illustrious President's Mansion.

It made it easier to forget about Sejanus. Mostly.

Strabo and Ma Plinth greeted him warmly, giving him kind hugs and compliments. They were some of the only people who were actually genuine with him.

"What's the surprise?" Snow asked politely, yet a little impatiently. He had about a million things to attend to. And Lucy Gray, of course. What could possibly be so pressing?

They led him to their spacious living room.

"We want you to meet someone," Strabo said, an eagerness about him. "Our nephew."

A little boy with brown hair was sitting on the carpet, facing away from them as he played with an older woman who strikingly resembled Ma.

Her sister? They'd never mentioned her.

Ma picked up on Snow's surprise.

"We had to leave the rest of our family behind in Two when we left." She knelt beside the little boy. "And we never mentioned them...well, because we didn't want to bring them unnecessary attention. And harm."

Ma looked up at Snow with a bright smile. "But now, with you as President, we know we have nothing to fear. So we sent for my sister and her family."

Her sister nodded respectfully at Snow. "I've heard a lot about you, sir. Thank you for all that you did for my nephew."

Snow wanted to leave. This was suffocating.

But instead, he gave the slightest bow and kneeled beside her and the little one.

When he finally saw the boy's face, he almost fell back in shock.

He looked strikingly like Sejanus. Snow was suddenly back to when he first saw him on the school grounds. Those big brown eyes had been staring helplessly at him, eyes that never once lost an ounce of loyalty or love for him over the years.

Eyes now on a different face, a different person. The boy toothily grinned at him, reaching his small hands out to grab at Snow's elegant shirt. He had the same dark, messy hair that curled around the back of his neck and the long eyelashes that Snow remembered clearly. Even the curious and earnest expression directed at Snow was the same.

The similarities terrified him.

He looked around desperately, trying to think of an excuse to flee the place immediately. But Ma mistook his panic for astounded excitement and beamed at him.

"His name is Coriolanus. After you."

No.

Snow couldn't—he couldn't. He fell back, the air leaving his body as his vision suddenly swam with blurry dark spots. He felt his body trembling, from his hands to his face to his hammering heart that was nearly strained to its limit.

It was Sejanus. It was him. He was dead, but he was right there, right there in those little boy's soulful eyes. Sejanus.

You really can't stop rescuing me, can you?

You're the only reason I've lasted this long, Coriolanus. I need to stop causing you trouble.

Gorgeous. Trust me, that lip's working for you, soldier.

You may be the only person in the world who I actually trust.

Ma!!!

Snow threw up.

After that terrible, disturbing visit, Snow at least knew what he needed to do. It was too late for Sejanus and too late to apologize. 

Well, he did apologize for retching over the Plinths' rug. He promised to pay them back, not that they needed it, but they graciously refused, understanding his...accident was from the shock of it all. From missing Sejanus.

It wasn't far from the truth.

Snow visited Lucy Gray, eager to finally bring good news.

"I've—I've decided," he stated, as formal and detached as he could. "After everything, I'll let you go back to Twelve."

Her eyes brightened.

"Once you're there, I can't guarantee your safety or well-being. Just...that you'll be home." Snow still tasted the bile in his mouth. He cleared his throat. "And if you try to run to Thirteen again, well..." He gave her the smallest wink. "Don't get caught."

For the first time since they'd been reunited, Lucy Gray wore the slightest hint of a smile.

As President, he was awarded a grand number of amenities. One was a private hangar, with a jet reserved for only a few passengers. It was hidden in the furthest corner of the Presidential Mansion's backyard, behind a grove of trees in a sprawling field of overgrown nature.

There was a pilot and a Peacekeeper waiting for Lucy Gray to board.

Snow knew and trusted the pilot, an older man who kept to himself and would never talk. The young Peacekeeper, well...Snow would think about that later.

As for now, he simply watched Lucy Gray kneel by a small lake in the field. He never quite warmed up to nature. Even now, he could feel the bugs swarming around his damp skin and it made him want to abandon this plan completely.

But he focused on her.

Even after her years of confinement, she was still one with the nature he so hated. She made it all seem beautiful as she dipped her hand in the calm water while the sunlight reflected on her warm brown hair and a butterfly aimlessly flew around her, sensing some sort of safety.

Snow thought back to the moment when he truly imagined their lives being one. One that looked like this. When all they had, all they needed, was each other.

His eyes were wet and the vision of Lucy Gray blurred. How foolish.

He fixed himself and went to her, sensing the pilot's urgency and impatience.

As he got closer, he heard music. Her music—her song. Snow couldn't believe it—was she not mute? Could she sing?

But as he took another step, he realized she was humming. It was a bit broken, stifled by her lack of tongue, but still achingly lovely.

It was one of the songs she sang at the Hob years ago, when Snow had been drunk on both liquor and her, constantly bumping shoulders with Sejanus. The tune filled Snow's ears, and for the first time in a while, he found himself enjoying the sound.

Relief flooded him. She hadn't lost her gift. Her wonder.

Lucy Gray turned to him, finally sensing his approaching presence. She wasn't smiling, but she didn't seem upset either.

"That's a beautiful song," he said quietly. He felt awkward and knew his compliment probably sounded even more awkward, but Lucy Gray relaxed at his words.

She stood and went to him. Snow stilled as he watched her. He could already see the life and energy returning to her body.

"They're ready for you," Snow continued. "You'll be safe in Twelve."

Or at least, he hoped so. He already told the accompanying Peacekeeper to keep an eye on her for a week or two after their arrival in the district.

With a twinge, Snow slid the Plinth ring off his finger. His mind raced to awful thoughts of Sejanus, but he forced them down, feeling the coolness of the metal against his skin. He handed it to Lucy Gray.

They both knew it would be worth so much in Twelve. It'd help.

But she didn't budge. Her narrowed eyes spoke volumes. She didn't want his money, his belongings.

"It's not from me." Snow felt warmth burn across his cheeks. "It's from the Plinths—Sejanus's family."

She reacted to that, to the familiar name. With a hesitant hand, she took it, rolling the ring around in her fingers before pocketing it gently.

Then she looked at Snow one last time.

Her lips parted, and in the softest whisper, she mouthed, "Coryo."

Coriolanus gasped, his face paling and his stomach turning. She spoke. She spoke! It was limited, barely audible, and fragmented, but still there. And it was to say a name he hadn't heard in so, so long.

Lucy Gray smiled at his evident surprise, perhaps just as startled as he was.

But she wasn't done.

She stretched her left hand out. With another broken whisper, she forced out, "Hate."

Coriolanus winced. Right. 

But then Lucy Gray raised her other hand. "Love."

And she clasped her two hands together tightly, shaking them in front of Coriolanus's face for emphasis.

Oh. He sucked in a sharp breath, understanding.

Lucy Gray softened and turned away.

"I'm so sorry," Coriolanus managed. "I'm sorry, Lucy Gray."

She didn't acknowledge it.

And Coriolanus didn't watch her leave.

One of the first renovations he had done in the mansion was installing rose gardens in the back. There had been multitudes of servants tirelessly working outside, planting and digging and cleaning up the area as they built a gorgeous sanctuary.

And when it was finally completed, the first guest that Coriolanus invited to see it was Dr. Gaul.

She marveled at the beauty, studying the broad array of roses that filled each trellis, pot, and soil spot.

"This is lovely, Snow," Gaul complimented as they walked through the gardens together.

"Thank you, Dr. Gaul. It's a testament to the Snow name."

As they reached the center where a small white table stood, Coriolanus pulled out one of the chairs for her.

She sat down as Coriolanus nodded to a servant. They brought over a shimmering glass bottle of white liquor in addition to two dainty cups.

"A drink?" Coriolanus questioned as he sat across Gaul. "To celebrate our success?"

"I'd love to. We've finally gotten everything we deserved."

Coriolanus couldn't agree more. The liquid sloshed in the cups as the servant poured.

Gaul glanced to him again. "I must ask, what happened to the girl?"

"Hmm? What girl?" Coriolanus feigned innocence easily. A flicker of annoyance crossed Gaul's face. Coriolanus relished in it.

"Your girl. The winner." Gaul picked up the glass once the servant was done. She swirled the clear liquid around, watching it spiral. "I heard she was removed from the prisons."

Coriolanus raised his glass, flashing his signature charming smile. "Oh! I took care of that. She's...no longer around."

Gaul relaxed, as if she understood his meaning. Content, she clinked their glasses in a toast. And together, they drank.

As Gaul sighed and set her drink back down, Coriolanus found himself unable to hold back the proud smirk that blossomed across his face.

He let a moment pass, watching her through narrowed eyes, then fluidly reached into his pocket and pulled out a small flask, to which he casually unscrewed and drank from. The liquid easily ran down his throat, instantly calming the pain that had been beginning to flare.

Gaul stared at him, perplexed. "Don't lose yourself there. Too much liquor will—"

She stopped. Her silly lesson would have to wait. Coriolanus watched, amused, as she put a hand to her throat. Panic flashed in Gaul's eyes, and she looked up at him, utterly stunned.

With a huff of laughter, Coriolanus took another sip from the antidote. Feebly, Gaul tried to reach across the table for it, clicking the pieces into place. She always was a smart one, Coriolanus mused. Just a bit too late this time.

"In all honesty, I do have you to thank for getting me here." He leaned forward, a dangerous glint in his cold blue eyes. "But now I'm here. And I have no more use for you."

Coriolanus continued, watching the life slowly fade from Gaul's eyes as she choked, weakly clawing at the table while gasping for air that wouldn't come.

"You should never have disrespected me. When I was a boy, when I was a mentor, when I became President."

Coriolanus flipped the flask upside down, letting the remaining antidote pour onto the ground, where it splashed on the fresh soil. Gaul stared at it desperately, too affected by the poison to even inch towards the spilled liquid. She gave him a terrified, yet hateful look. Coriolanus could see the question in her eyes: How could you do this to me?

He leaned close to her, ready with his answer.

"Lucy Gray was never yours to touch. If you had left her alone, you might've actually lived." Coriolanus stared hard into her bulging, bloodshot eyes. "Fortunately, she will. Happily in Twelve."

"No..." Gaul croaked. "Why?"

As the last remaining life seeped out of Gaul, Coriolanus spoke to her one more time.

"She was the most beautiful songbird. You were never anything but a worm."

Gaul's lifeless body crumpled to the ground. Coriolanus took a careful step over it, waving at the servants to clean the mess up.

As he exited the gardens, he ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. The tang of his own blood hit him, and he forced himself to ignore the impulse to spit it out.

It was something he would get used to.

A month later, the Peacekeeper he assigned to keep a temporary watch over Lucy Gray returned.

He met Coriolanus in his office, bowing his head and straightening his arms by his side. Coriolanus nodded at him to give his report.

"The young woman is living with a group of similarly-aged individuals, most of whom are...musically talented and eccentric. They reside in the Seam and typically refrain from law-breaking activities." The Peacekeeper paused before continuing. "She is healthy, safe, and doing well. No one knows who she is."

Lovely. Coriolanus softened at the news. It was over. She was at peace, and in a way, perhaps Sejanus was too. Somehow, saving Lucy Gray felt like atonement for what Coriolanus had done to his closest friend.

At least, he hoped so.

And perhaps he too could finally move on from the past that had haunted him for years.

Well, almost.

Coriolanus looked back at the Peacekeeper. "Does anyone else know?"

"No. No one. I knew it was personal to you."

"Indeed. You're a smart man."

The Peacekeeper relaxed with the compliment. "Thank you, sir."

With a delicate grip, Coriolanus reached across his desk to the glistening glass bottle of liquor that sat by the edge. He unscrewed the cap and smiled at the Peacekeeper in front of him.

"Have a drink with me."