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The Fart that Ruined Forged a Relationship
The date had started off well.
Obi-Wan had cooked them a meal, and it had been amazing. The food, the company, the soft lighting, the gentle summer breeze drifting through the open windows, the sound of someone mowing their lawn a block away: all of it had been a treat for the senses.
Obi-Wan had made a homemade lasagna and a caesar salad. It had tasted so good. Only… One thing Rex had forgotten to tell Obi-Wan beforehand was that he was a bit sensitive to garlic. It wasn’t that he was allergic, per se. But anything more than a pinch in his food and he would be in quite a bit of pain later on. Not to mention all the gas he’d have to endure.
Just as they were starting the dishes, Rex began to feel the first bit of gas rumbling in his stomach. He knew he would need to find a place to let one out discreetly, probably in the next five minutes or it would get very painful fast.
At first, no opportunity presented itself. But Rex held on, determined not to ruin this date with his wonky digestion.
Once they were finished the dishes, Obi-Wan suggested watching a movie together on the couch. Rex agreed, hoping he could silently let one out into the cushions.
The couch was leather. It would probably amplify the sound.
So while Obi-Wan was dithering about which movie to choose, Rex asked to use his bathroom.
Obi-Wan lived in a studio apartment, so he pointed through the bedroom area to a door at the otherside of the apartment. It wasn’t ideal, but it would do.
Rex made his way over, dodging Obi-Wan’s cat that seemed to fucking hate him, as it was reaching out at him with it’s little demon claws.
Finally, Rex made it into the bathroom and locked the door. He turned to look for a fan switch. Nothing. Alright, that wasn’t the best, especially since the walls seemed pretty thin. He could hear Obi-Wan shuffling around in the room. But maybe he could run some water or flush the toilet and hope it covered up the sound only…
Obi-Wan didn’t have any air freshener. No fan and no air freshener? If Rex farted the extremely smelly fart now (he knew in his heart that his would be the smelliest of all smelly farts), and Obi-Wan smelled it later as they were getting ready for bed, there was no way Rex would be getting any sex.
So Rex held it in. He flushed the toilet and washed his hands and went back out.
By now Rex was beginning to sweat. He needed somewhere safe to let this out. Maybe he could claim he left something in his car? But then Obi-Wan might think he was flaking on him. He might worry the date hadn’t gone well enough.
Maybe he could text Cody? Make his brother call and say there was some sort of emergency? Cody wouldn’t ask questions until afterwards, he’d helped Rex out of bad dates before, but then Rex would have to endure Cody’s teasing for all eternity. And on top of that, Rex would feel bad for lying to Obi-Wan.
Rex wandered back in through the apartment, hoping, no praying to the universe that he wouldn’t let this fart out at an inopportune moment.
Obi-Wan was sitting on the couch with the remote in his hand and a soft smile on his face. “Everything ok?” He asked kindly.
“Mmhmm,” Rex hummed awkwardly, hoping the pain he was feeling in his gut, wasn’t showing as distress on his face.
“Good. I decided maybe a movie wasn’t the best way to go. I picked a TV show instead.” He smiled and patted the spot beside him.
Rex sat down anxiously. For a moment he squirmed, trying to find a comfortable way to sit. “Actually,” he found himself saying, “What about if we go get a drink and a snack to munch on while we watch?” Sitting somehow made the problem worse, harder to hold in for some reason.
Obi-Wan blinked at him. “Well, we just ate, but… I guess something sweet couldn’t hurt.”
“Great,” Rex stood and walked over to the kitchen.
Obi-Wan opened his fridge and looked around for a bit, moving some things around. Then he opened his freezer. “What about vanilla-sort-of-tasting ice cream with some chocolate sauce?” He asked over his shoulder. “I’m afraid the ice cream might be a little freezer burnt.”
“That sounds good to me.” Rex said absentmindedly, casting his eyes around the space, trying to think of an excuse to leave or make a loud sound to cover it. Holding it in was really uncomfortable. Maybe he should have let it out in the bathroom after all.
He couldn’t go back in now though. Obi-Wan would think he was like, ill or something.
“Really?” Obi-Wan’s eyebrows were furrowed when he turned back around, then he shrugged. “Alright, ice cream it is.”
Obi-Wan set the small tub of ice cream on the counter and opened up a cupboard, grabbing a bottle of Nestle Quick. “And of course, it’s empty,” Obi-Wan sighed. “My brother must have used the last of it when he was last over.”
Rex hummed, “For his kids?” His brain was feeling a little bit fuzzy, but he did remember Obi-Wan telling him about his niece and nephew last week, on their second date.
Obi-Wan chuckled. “No, his wife would never let their kids have sugar. And Anakin is a grown manchild, he would have hogged it all to himself anyways.”
Rex chuckled along with him nervously.
Obi-Wan opened the plastic container and rinsed it out in the sink.
“Guess I need to take out the recycling in the morning,” Obi-Wan frowned at the full blue box under the sink.
“I’d be happy to take it out for you,” Rex jumped at the chance presented to him.
“No, that’s okay, it can wait until tomorrow,” Obi-Wan waved him off.
“I insist! I can take it out while you dish up the ice cream,” Rex insisted ‘helpfully’.
“Well okay,” Obi-Wan agreed hesitantly. “If you insist.”
Rex picked up the blue bin and looked around the apartment as if a map to the recycling would present itself. “Where do I go?”
“Down the hall, there are two chutes by the elevator. One for garbage and one for recycling.” Obi-Wan pointed in the direction of the elevators.
Rex nodded and rushed out the door, not even thinking to shut the door behind him.
Just as he reached the blue chute with a recycling logo stamped onto it, Rex let out the loudest fart of all time. It felt like it echoed off the walls of the apartment building hall.
“Woh,” Rex heard from behind him and turned only to see two kids coming out of the elevator. “Nice one dude!” Said the older kid and the two of them started laughing.
Rex blushed, but chuckled along with them nervously. He dumped the recycling down the chute and took the blue bin back down the hall with him, feeling a bit relieved.
Rex let himself back into Obi-Wan’s apartment, this time vaguely noticing that the door was slightly open.
Only, he had expected to see Obi-Wan dishing out ice cream or sitting on the couch waiting, instead, Obi-Wan was curled over, holding onto the counter for dear life, laughing hysterically.
“Are you… okay?” Rex asked hesitantly.
Obi-Wan turned and wiped a tear from his cheek. “I am. Real nice one ‘dude’, but the way,” Obi-Wan gave him a shit eating grin.
Rex groaned and covered his face with his hand. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”
“It’s fine,” Obi-Wan’s smile softened. He took the blue bin from Rex’s hand and set it on the floor, then slid his arms over Rex’s shoulders and leaned in close. “I was beginning to worry you were too perfect to be real. Glad to know you’re just a really sexy human.”
Rex put his hands on Obi-Wan’s hips, unable to stop himself from touching the other man.
“Sexy, huh?” Rex tilted his head so their lips brushed. “Good to hear, I feel the same about you.”
“I’d like you to kiss me now,” Obi-Wan whispered against his lips.
Rex grinned and leaned in, kissing Obi-Wan deeply.
Obi-Wan moaned beautifully, surrendering himself to the kiss. Then Rex moaned not beautifully, feeling the pain of his very upset digestion.
Obi-Wan pulled away and frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Rex felt his neck warm. “I may, uh, have an intolerance to garlic? Just like… slightly. Well, a slight lot.”
Obi-Wan’s expression was sympathetic. “Oh no! And I doubled the garlic in our meal. I love garlic.”
“Sorry,” Rex groaned and leaned his head down onto Obi-Wan’s shoulder.
“Come on, come lay down on the couch. I will massage your tummy.” Obi-Wan offered.
“What about the ice cream?” Rex looked back at the bowls sitting on the counter with a scoop of vanilla ice cream each.
“Oh don’t worry about it. It’s terrible stuff. Rice-based ice cream is never that good to begin with, and that stuff is freezer burnt to hell.”
Rex tilted his head, intrigued. “Rice-based?”
“I’m lactose-intolerant. Even all the cheese in the lasagna was lactose-free.” Obi-Wan grinned, knowing both of them were on the same page.
“So you know what it’s like,” Rex said, a little dazed. How was this man so perfect? They felt so right together and this just confirmed it even more.
“I know what it’s like,” Obi-Wan nodded and led him to the couch and lit a candle.
Obi-Wan wrapped Rex up in a blanket and they watched MASH together until it got dark. True to his word, Obi-Wan gently massaged Rex’s abdomen whenever he groaned in pain. He maybe groaned a bit more than he needed to. But that was his secret to keep.
And when they went to bed, it wasn’t as sexy as he had hoped, but the snuggling was very excellent indeed.