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Sitting on a bench at the train station, Kaworu Nagisa was having a heartfelt conversation with a ghost. A very friendly one. The ghost of a man who he thought was long gone.
-Look at you. How old are you now?- Ryoji Kaji asked.
-I believe I am twenty nine- the other replied with a sigh. He hadn’t planned on living this long.
-Jeez… You’ve reached my age, kid. Makes me feel old-
-You are old, Ryoji-
-Where does this attitude come from, uh?-
-I got it from you-
A grin appeared on Kaworu’s face, and the ghost smiled. That young boy really had blossomed into a man. His white hair was tied up in a little ponytail, and his ears were pierced; he was wearing adult clothes and had an adult job - even though, frankly, he’d acted like an adult long before it should’ve happened. He had been forced to grow up faster than most people. He reminded him of another child that was once in his custody… Perhaps they could’ve been friends, in this universe.
His eyes, however, were still the same deep shade of crimson red, wide open and new to the world.
Silence settled peacefully between them, as a train stopped at their platform. Some people started to come out, hands full of luggage and grocery bags.
-Is this really a goodbye?- Kaworu whispered. He was staring at his feet, just like he did as a child when he was too afraid to face reality.
-Why are you acting surprised? I thought you’d grown accustomed to them- Kaji tried to brush it off. Perhaps it was a good thing he was going to disappear for good, he thought, because he couldn’t bear seeing his kid like that again.
-It’s just… Those weren’t really goodbyes. Just “see you next time”s. Why can’t you visit me anymore?-
-Do you want me to haunt your dreams, Commander?- he joked.
- God , no. I’d rather sleep. Plus, it’s not like I can screech everytime I see your face pop up in my head. Rei’s sleeping in the other room, I wouldn’t want to wake her up-
-Right. Your sister Rei. Tell me something: did you secretly design this universe too or did Shinji know you were desperately in need of a friend your age?-
-I think it was accidental. Not that I mind, though. She’s a great little sister… Still, you ’ll always be the best friend I’ve ever had-
- Friend ? I thought I was more of a mentor. You flatter me- Kaji slurred out, hardly fighting back a proud smile. -What about Shinji? Is he not your friend? You number one buddy? The only one who’s worthy of your grace ?-
-C’mon, Ryoji, you’ve teased me enough for fourteen years about it…-
-And I won’t stop, Commander. What was going on inside your head when you said that?! I hope I won’t have to give you a crash course on flirting 101 right now!-
Kaworu laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. The ghost continued, his tone a little softer this time.
-You two will meet again. Sooner than you think. You’re ready to live, now, not to simply exist. You’ve learned to be yourself-
-I think it’d be more appropriate to say I finally shaped myself. I’ve continued to be a puppy in each and every loop before you cut my strings-
-Nah, don’t put it like that. You’ve picked up the piano by yourself. And you even got into make up and stuff! I doubt Seele’s forced you to-
-...Mh. Guess you’re right-
-You’ve always been you, Kaworu. It’s just that you’ve never had a chance to understand what it meant-
Kaji patted his head with his ghostly hand, sending a chill down his spine. Then, he pulled out a cigarette from his pocket.
-I didn’t know ghosts could smoke-
-I’m not sure either. Wanted to try some angelic pot but there was none in my pocket when I passed. Oh, well… there’s always a first time for everything-
-Even for death- Kaworu said nonchalantly. It was still a bad habit of his, to mention serious stuff about himself and brush it off carelessly.
-Cheer up, kid. It’s in the past. No more waking up in a coffin, trust me. Unless you have a vampire-themed bedroom. You didn’t really seem interested in Dracula and friends when you were younger, though-
-You remember it?- His voice betrayed his surprise.
-Of course I do. Don’t tell Asuka, but you were my favourite-
-I don’t think she needed words to understand it. I wonder where she is, now…-
-Hopefully not stuck in a 9-to-5 office job-
-It’s not her thing. I didn’t know her very well, but I sense she’d get bored quickly there-
-You two were more similar than you could guess- Kaji observed.
-Is it because of the self-destructive tendencies or because Shinji tried to hit on both of us?-
-How insightful, Commander. Wait, Shinji had enough balls to hit on you?- Kaji said in disbelief.
-In a universe or two, yeah-
-How.. How was he, was he pathetic?-
Kaworu glared at him with a deadly expression. Kaji giggled.
-I’d never call him that. He’s never been pathetic to my eyes. I hope I hadn’t been to his as well…-
-You were the light of his life. It’s not arguable-
Kaji went back to his cigarette, and Kaworu to his feet. The train started to be filled with new people with even more luggage and grocery bags in their hands.
-It’s been an honour working with you, Commander. Be good to yourself when I’m gone. Find your happiness at your own pace-
-Ryoji…-
-Allow yourself to be sad and upset, too. That’s part of being human as well. If we were always happy we wouldn't be able to appreciate what really brings us joy- Kaji added, looking up at the sky. The sun was passing through him, but he still felt warm, in a way.
-Ryo…- Kaworu sobbed again, quietly.
-What is it?-
-Ryo, please… I don’t want you to leave…-
-I know. But you’ve almost made it. It’s time to let go of everything that’s in your past. And that includes me-
When Kaworu raised his head and turned to face him, he was crying. His mouth was shaped in a pout he couldn't hold back, and his nose was running.
-You could see many things if you stayed! My next concert, Rei’s new garden, and- and I could call Asuka back! I could find a way to meet up and finally be friends, and I could… I could even phone Mari. I’m sure she remembers everything! Then Shinji will come back, like he always does, and we’ll all be a family, and…!-
His voice broke as he choked back a sob. Kaji looked at him with eyes full of sadness. As he ran a hand through his hair, his voice started to sound more and more distant.
-That’s the thing with you, kid. You always try to fix what’s meant to be broken and cut yourself in the process. Let it go… If there’s something after this, I’ll be waiting for you. I promise-
A loud whistle.
The train was gone.
And so was Kaji.
-Shit!- a voice yelled. Kaworu didn’t bother looking up, still covering his face with his hands.
He felt sad, and empty.
But he wasn’t mad at himself, for once.
It was inevitable.
His friend, his mentor, the man who held onto his hand when he was scared - he was… somewhere else.
And it was okay.
But it didn’t make it less painful.
-I’m sorry- the voice panted. Was that person talking to him? -When did the train leave?-
Kaworu sniffed as he let his hands grip his knees. -You just missed it, I’m afraid- he replied, as politely as he could. What a way to deal with a real loss for the first time, telling someone they were late.
-Fantastic, just my luck- the stranger sighed. -...Is this book yours? Can I sit here?-
-Uh?-
Out of nowhere, a book had appeared where Kaji’s ghost was sitting. Just as surprised as the other person, Kaworu picked up the volume. Its cover was painted in white, with pink and golden arabesques on it. There was a title written in small kanjis at the centre.
“ いのちの書 ”
The book of life.
-Was my guess wrong? Is it not yours?- the stranger asked. Kaworu looked up, and it suddenly hit him.
He was taller than he remembered, and he was wearing a suit just like his. He had glasses on the tip of his nose, too, and what seemed to be a heavy case in one hand.
He was right.
Shinji Ikari always came back.
Swallowing slowly, Kaworu made room for him on the bench, not daring to break eye contact.
-Thanks… Wait, are you okay?! I-I’m sorry if this is out of the blue, but you look like you’ve been crying- Shinji screeched. He seemed puzzled when the other man started laughing.
“Even in this universe, you’re reaching out to help me when you don’t even know me. Must be our fate”
-Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Thank you anyway-
-...Are you sure?-
-Yes, it’s just… Today’s the anniversary of my father’s death- he blurted out, without giving his words much thought. Was he lying? He didn’t know anymore. Kaji was not his father, but he was positive he’d loved him like a son.
-Oh! Oh, I… I’m sorry to hear that-
-Don’t be. It’s fine, really-
-I suppose you two were close-
-We were, in a way. He helped me when I was stuck in my own ways- Kawory sighed. Why was it so hard to put into words?
-He must’ve been a good man, I’m sure. He’d be proud of how you talk about him. Especially to a stranger- Shinji gigled, relieved. Kaworu’s whole face turned red.
-Sorry! I didn’t mean to overshare- he apologised, gripping the book of life with both hands. “You’d think after all these loops I’d picked up on social cues, and still…”
-It’s okay! If anything, I have to apologise for not minding my business when I saw you cry!-
-You did what most people would’ve done, there’s no need to-
-I want to make up for it-
-No, really! It’s nothing-
-Listen, I missed the train and I have nothing better to do. Are you heading to work?-
-... I’m not. I don’t have rehearsals today-
-Are you an actor? Maybe a theatre one? I don’t watch many plays, that’s why I didn’t recognise you. I’d never forget someone like you if I saw them on tv- he grinned.
Was that… a compliment? Did the Shinji Ikari just try to flirt with him? Oh, God. He could combust. What was going on in that universe?!
-I’m a pianist, actually. I play in an orchestra-
-Oh! And are you on tour or…?-
-We’re based here, even though we occasionally perform in cities nearby-
-Well, Mr Pianist, can I offer you a coffee to make up for the inconvenience?- Shinji asked.
When did he get so confident?!
“Where does this attitude come from, uh?” Kaji had told him. Kaworu relaxed. They were both grown. He smiled at the other man, standing up and holding out a hand for Shinji to take.
-It’s a deal-
-I meant it, by the way-
-Mh? Meant what?-
-Kaji would be proud of you-
-... You remember? -