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There’s something about this particular spring of 1977, Remus notices, that instils a subtle change in Sirius Black. It starts with Remus offering him a cigarette, pre-rolled during Remus’s two am smokes in the common room whilst listening to one of his Bowie records that were gifted to him by James in second year.
The group are sat by the fireplace in the common room. Peter, reclining at one end of the group talking quidditch strategy at James, who is tuning him out in favour of blatantly staring at Lily who is sitting opposite chatting with Mary and Marlene, the familiar buzz of a muffliato spell preventing their conversation from being overheard by others. Between the two huddles, Remus and Sirius are resting on the floor, backs against the plump sofa, Sirius’s leg bouncing up and down like it usually does when he drifts into his thoughts.
Remus lets out a sigh and runs a hand through his curls trying to ignore the feeling that is growing in the depths of his stomach; trying to ignore the heat that is radiating off of Sirius’s quiet form next to him; trying to ignore his desire for Sirius to take his hand or brush his thigh with a careless touch.
He thinks back to last summer. Of stolen kisses with a muggle boy behind his village shop and slight caresses from the boy’s thumb as it went in circles around Remus’s own hand. He didn’t tell any of his friends. How could he?
They all know of course. After all, they are like a second family to him. Lily found out first during fifth-year prefect patrols. Then Mary and Marlene figured it out after Remus saw a picture of a wizard underwear model in their copy of Witch Weekly and then was left a stuttering, blushing mess.
Peter figured it out as well after seeing the way that Remus constantly stared at Sirius. James was after Peter. That time the two were drunk, Peter and Sirius passed out on their dorm floor and James and Remus were passing the last bottle back and forth like some sort of grown-up pass-the-parcel game.
“Y’know Lily seems to like you a lot” James, even drunk did not fail to bring up Lily Evans.
Remus scoffed, aware of the unknowing jealousy that was pulsating off of James.
“I’m gay, James”
James, to his credit, was only silent for a moment before responding with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
“Hello gay, I’m James”
And the two boys dissolved into a fit of drunken giggles.
Sirius was different. The others knowing had happened quickly, all in the span of a couple of weeks. But it took longer for Sirius to know.
Sirius and Remus were on top of the astronomy tower, a night after a moon, Remus still exhausted and sore but well enough to be discharged from the hospital wing. Sirius spoke first, looking out across the forbidden forest which was bathed in darkness.
“You don’t like girls do you?”
Remus had almost fallen off the tower but Sirius had grasped him and kept a steady hand on his back, preventing him from toppling to his death.
“W-what are you talking about?”
“Moony.”
Remus looked at Sirius. Into those dark eyes that swallowed him up.
“It’s alright to tell me.”
Remus recalls how gently Sirius spoke. How Sirius’s hand didn’t leave his back, still supporting him in a silent I’m here. I understand. You’re still my Moony.
And Remus had told him. Sirius was the only one to know the full extent. All about the Muggle boy in the village and the chaste kisses. And Sirius would listen, never once interrupting, his hand a constant.
Remus remembered how scared he was to know what Sirius thought - the boy who had such a tight, antagonising grip on his heart for the better part of the past two years. Sirius, with his devilish smiles and that absurd closeness that Remus never sees him display with any of the others. Not even James.
God Remus thinks once again tugging at his curls, I need a fag.
He fishes in his back pocket for the tin of cigarettes, accidentally knocking his elbow into Sirius who gives a sudden jolt.
“Sorry” Remus digs two cigarettes out and deftly places one in his mouth. He holds the other out to the boy next to him “Want a fag?”
Sirius takes the cigarette, holding it between his lips, all the while his eyes never leaving Remus’s own.
“Light it for me, Moony?” he mumbles, loud enough to hear over the noise of the others but soft enough that only Remus catches, “I can’t find my wand.”
Remus really needs to get a grip. He can’t handle the way his stomach seems to become alive with butterflies at the way Sirius says his name and he certainly cannot handle the way that Sirius is looking at him now, differently and as if Remus is the only person in the room. And, god this boy will kill him.
The great thing about being this charged with lust and adrenaline means that Remus can perform wandless magic. He figured this out in the first quidditch match of the year when James as the chaser and Sirius as the beater both led the Gryffindor team to victory. Running down from the stands, Remus and Peter crashed into a group bear hug with Sirius and James.
That time, he was powered with exhilaration causing small sparks to jump from his fingertips. This strange display of power didn’t leave him until the next morning, much to the delight of the other marauders. They stayed up testing the extent of Remus’s wandless magic until they just about passed out from exhaustion.
Sirius and Remus were the last to fall asleep, both facing each other from their separate beds. Sirius had looked right into Remus’s drooping eyes and murmured You’re magic Moony, you know that? Magic and Remus’s heart had pounded so loud that he was sure the whole of Gryffindor tower must have heard.
He recalls this every time he performs wandless magic. The day after, he was pretty sure he had imagined it for Sirius hadn’t mentioned those words said when the others were alone so Remus too pushed it away.
He brings his fingers close to Sirius’s cigarette, his brow now furrowed in concentration as he feels the magic course through his body, rushing towards his fingertips.
one…
…two…
…three
He snaps his fingers together and the cigarette lights. Grinning, Remus looks up at Sirius, certain that he would wear a similar expression but Sirius is still looking at him with that stare. The one that caused the butterflies to dance and crash and spin, creating such a dizzying feeling that makes all the thoughts in Remus’s brain all fuzzy and mushy and Remus can’t comprehend anything as Sirius seems to lean closer and closer to his face.
But as soon as they came, the butterflies leave to create a hollow pit as Sirius blinks and blushes and pushes back Remus. Away from him and off the ground. Sirius gets up, the cigarette still clenched between his lips and walks out the common room, without looking back as the portrait hole swings shut behind him.
James finally breaks away from his stare, looking toward Remus with an inquisitive look.
“What’s up with Padfoot?”
“Dunno” Remus tries to play it off nonchalantly, sure that his blush is betraying him, “Just got up and left”
“Eh, maybe he’s gone to shag that Hufflepuff. What's her name? Sarah was it?” James muses oblivious to the tension between the two moments ago.
“Yeah, maybe” Remus only half-answers, his mind a million places at once. It had looked like Sirius was going to kiss him. What was Remus going to do now?
Sirius didn’t return. The others agreed with James’s theory and nothing more was said on the matter, all of them oblivious to Remus’s mini, life-ending crisis where nothing about what had happened made any sense to him.
Remus lay there in the dark, painfully aware of Sirius’s absence in the bed next to him. The thing was, Remus was shit at confrontation. Always had been. He was never one to instigate a revenge prank back when Snape pissed them off or lock Filch in his broom cupboard as James and Sirius did on the regular. Remus had always just reacted emotionally instead, preferring to forgive and forget instead of speak about it. So, he decided he would do just that.
Sirius probably mistook him for a girl. Yes, that was it. The smoke from his cigarette probably made him hazy or something.
Just forget about it Remus
The three marauders woke early the next day, rolling out of bed to weather that James would only describe as ‘optimum quidditch conditions’. They sit with the girls in the great hall, their plates laden with a classic English breakfast, some talking about quidditch, others complaining about the essay on giant wars that was due for the next History of Magic lesson.
Remus really couldn’t help but notice that Sirius was not present.
“-And then I told Binns that he could shove that essay up his arse” Mary gestured violently between mouthfuls of bacon, “And he didn’t even blink an eye!”
“Well, what’d you expect Macdonald?” James chimes in, winking at Lily and earning an eye roll in return, “Nothing rattles Binns. Sirius and I have tested that plenty of times”
As if summoned by his name, Sirius materialises opposite James, plopping onto the empty seat and grabbing his own breakfast.
“Oh yeah, remember when we let those doxies lose in the classroom and he didn’t even react? Just kept on droning on about witch burnings or something like that”
Beside Remus, Lily gives a small shudder whilst James and Sirius continue listing all the successful pranks they have pulled off in Binns’ class.
“Hey Remus, you ok up there?” Lily nudges him gently looking at him with concerned eyes.
Remus rips his gaze from where he had been staring Sirius down. “Yeah, yeah I’m good. Just thinking”
Lily gives a small chuckle, turning back to her food.
“I swear it looked like you were admiring Sirius” she whispered
There is only one person who knows for certain that Remus Lupin is hopelessly, irreversibly in love with Sirius Black. Lily sussed it out because, well, she is Lily Evans. Did Remus really think she wouldn’t find out?
At the mention of his name, Sirius turns his head in their direction. Remus freezes as Sirius’s eyes lock on his, and a hot red flush springs to his cheeks. This time it's Remus who leaves first.
“Um, I've just realised that I've left my Arithmancy book in the dorm. I’ll see you in Ancient Runes Lily?” Remus fumbles with his bag, barely letting Lily reply before he is out the door.
Remus means to go to the dorm, he really does but there is a soft lull from outside that draws him out and onto the grounds. He is itching for a cigarette but knows he got less than an hour before Ancient Runes and doesn’t want to be stoned so he sits outside near the lake and watched the giant squid splash about. The spring sun is slightly warm on his cheek and Remus closes his eyes and almost falls asleep.
As always, a couple of days before the moon, his bones ache and click painfully but his senses also heighten which is how he hears the footsteps gingerly approaching him from behind.
“Open for some company?” Remus could recognise his voice anywhere even with shut eyes.
He nods his head, shoving his bag away from the tree to make room for Sirius to sit.
“Was she a good shag then?” Remus asks, “That Hufflepuff?”
Sirius gives a small snort.
“C’mon Moony, I didn’t think you really believed that did you?”
Remus opens his eyes and looks at him side-on. “Well, where else did you go then? All your shags tend to last the night.”
“I wasn’t with her.”
“Then who was she? The lucky girl then?”
Remus realises he’s sounding bitter and quickly sits up muttering a “sorry” under his breath.
“I was actually alone. I- I have been for a while.”
Sirius sounded embarrassed but Remus can’t imagine why. After all, to most of his friends, he had been alone in that sense his whole life and he was fine with it.
“Oh. No new crushes then?” Remus doesn’t know why he's asking this. He doesn’t even think he wants to know either way but still, the words seem to just come out of him and he is helpless to stop them.
“Well, there is one…” Sirius hesitates and they finally make eye contact, the curls on top of Remus’s head falling down on his brow as he looks up to meet Sirius’s gaze.
“Who is she?” Remus is just about to throw himself inside the lake and take his chances with the giant squid when Sirius, gaze fierce and a deep blush spreading across his cheeks, mutters something inaudible.
“What?” Remus leans slightly closer trying to hear what Sirius was trying to say.
“He, you mean.”
And Remus chokes and remembers the astronomy tower with all his secrets laid bare for Sirius.
“What…What's he like?”
He hated how pained he sounded. He loathed that feeling that Sirius liked another boy that wasn’t him. Sirius fidgets slightly, a small smile playing on his lips as his eyes travel the lake.
“He has this adorable smile and this blush that spreads from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.” Sirius leans closer ever so slightly, “And he is crazy smart. Hell he’d give Lily a run for her money”
Remus wants to die.
“Oh well he seems…um…nice. What's his name?”
Sirius seems confused. Remus does not know why because he wants to run away and forget this entire conversation. He wants to bury it in that big room that he found on the seventh floor with mountains of items.
“You don’t know?”
Now Remus is confused. Did I miss something?
“Look, Sirius. I don’t know if you’re having me on or something but I've got to get to Ancient Runes now so I’m going to go and we can talk about this later or something”
Remus ignores the hurt look on Sirius’s face, getting up like that morning during breakfast and leaving as fast as he can without running.
Lily keeps giving him concerned looks throughout Runes trying to catch his eyes but Remus looks resolutely forward, absorbing everything the professor is saying to try and keep his conversation with Sirius out of his mind.
She finally gets to speak to him as they make their way to Defence Against the Dark Arts.
“What's up with you?”
“What? Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Perfect.”
“I didn’t ask what was wrong but now I know something is wrong.” Remus thinks that he should probably strangle Lily to make her stop talking before she says “Is it Sirius?”
“What makes you think that?” For the second time that day, Remus really wants a cigarette between his teeth, taking slow drags to fill up the space in his lungs.
“He got up and followed you after you left.”
Lily pauses as if trying to find the words to say next.
“Have you told him yet?”
Remus looks at her like that is his answer.
“Right. Well he’s not going to know if you don’t tell him”
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship if he doesn’t feel the same way”
“But Remus you don’t know that he doesn’t like-”
Remus’s answer is quick and sharp, half-fuelled by the morning's conversation with Sirius and half by his own allergy to confrontation.
“He doesn’t.”
The discussion is dropped as they enter their Defence classroom, Lily breaking away to sit with Mary and Marlene and Remus striding towards James. Peter and Sirius absent.
“Ah, Moony. Be my partner today? I can’t handle teaching Peter the Patronus charm again” James, a god-send saving Remus from being Sirius’s partner.
Remus sits in the seat next to James as Peter walks in and sits behind James.
“Where’s Sirius?” He asks James who shrugs and turns to face the front ready to take notes for his favourite lesson.
Sirius stumbles in 10 minutes late without a single look towards any of the marauders.
“Detention Mr Black” The Defence professor announces without turning away from the front.
The rest of the day passes in a blur and before he knows it, Remus is walking to the library from dinner down an empty corridor.
He’s humming ‘Heroes’ from his Bowie album and twirling an unlit cigarette between his fingers when he notices Sirius lounging against the wall near a broom cupboard as if waiting for him.
“Hello” Remus says awkwardly not sure what to do.
“Get in” Sirius gestures towards the cupboard.
“I- what?” Remus stutters but still gets in, unsure of where this is going. A small part of his brain says what if? but he pushes that down.
Sirius comes in after him, shutting the door close and plunging the small room into darkness.
“Lumos” Remus whispers.
Sirius is looking at him, a slightly pissed-off expression on his face.
“Are you stupid or something Remus? Is this your way of turning me down in some sick and twisted way?”
“I don’t understa- … oh”
And then Remus gets it. He understands who the mystery boy who has stolen Sirius’s heart is. He finally pieces together that it was Remus all along. Last night in the common room, when Sirius had leaned a little too close. And then Remus remembers all the times that the two brushed hands or when their knees knocked under the table and he had always looked away, never seeing how Sirius reacted.
And Remus really isn’t one for confronting his feelings head-on but hell, he’s waited for this one for a long time and could really use a cigarette but a kiss would put that all to rest.
Sirius seems to have the same idea, and they both meet in the middle, lips colliding and Remus feels like the hunger that was gnawing at him has been fulfilled. Sirius’s fingers tangle at the curls on the back of Remus’s head and his own hands cup Sirius’s chin as if to pull him closer so that he is one with Remus.
They kiss energetically, running out of air but filling up again in bursts when the other allows it. When they finally finish, Remus’s face is a fiery red and Sirius is panting like a dog, both their foreheads touching as they smile into each other, hearts pounding in sync. And finally, Remus has no craving for his cigarettes for his desires have been fulfilled by this boy in front of him.
“That was…you are magic moony” Sirius whispers into him and Remus can feel sparks dance across his fingertips.