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As Edwina readied for sleep, neither her thoughts nor heart slowed. She could not stop going through every moment she had ever spent with Lord Bridgerton. When they had played pall mall and Kate had blended in so seamlessly with his family. When they had gone hunting together at her own request. When she had forced them to dance together so that he might ask for Kate’s blessings.
She had been such a fool.
Looking back now, their love was so unbelievably obvious right from the start. And what about when he had fallen into the lake? There had been something in Kate’s gaze then that she had mistaken as simple curiosity of the male form. But it had been more than that. It was passion. A passion that the viscount so clearly returned.
A passion that the viscount did not feel for Edwina. He had never looked at Edwina often enough. She knew that true love was more than passion, but surely it was still something a man should feel for his betrothed?
When she finished her hair, Edwina made her way towards the window. She sat down with her feet pulled up on the bench. While it was no position a lady should ever find herself in, it was comfortable. And she found herself rather uncaring.
Her thoughts finally began to slow as she stared at the night sky, just as they always had… One of her favorite tales was of the Pole Star. Not because of the story in particular, but because of a conversation her family had afterwards. It had been the very first time their mother had shared it, both Edwina and Kate only six and fifteen.
The story spoke of a mother unable to love the child of a first wife. While the circumstances undeniably were different, listening to it had prompted Kate to thank their mother for never treating her any differently.
“You are both my daughters. We are one family. Whenever you two fight, I want you to look up at the Pole Star and remember how blessed we are to have one another in our lives.”
And ever since then, the night sky had always comforted her. It was why she had run out to the park by the palace as a little girl back when she had first heard news of her father's passing. She had not thought of the dangers, only the desperation to be alone. When her thoughts were loud, she had always craved the quiet.
And just like then, her sister found her. She knocked on the door with none of her usual strength, followed by a soft, “Edwina?”
Her voice was almost unrecognizable. She was hesitant. Almost… scared. Her sister was never scared. She was the strongest, bravest person Edwina had ever met. She was the one who kept their family afloat after Appa had died, and yet the thought of facing Edwina scared her.
“Ever since the viscount has been courting me, I had sensed you were not being entirely truthful,” Edwina admitted quietly. She hated the way her words shook. “And now I know I was right.”
And for the first time ever, her sister had no witty comeback. She only stood there staring at her, silent and unmoving.
The only place to start this conversation was at the beginning. And though she was undeniably guilty, though she had to beg for forgiveness as well, she needed to unload her own grievances. Or they would eat away at her.
“This business with the Sheffields and their fortune, you did not trust me enough to tell me the truth of it,” Edwina said. She was an adult now, and she needed Kate to acknowledge that.
“I am truly sorry, Bon, for keeping both you and Mama in the dark,” Kate said, hands shaking at her sides. Far braver than Edwina, she continued, “After Appa died, I took it upon myself to manage our affairs. I wrote to the Sheffields, and after learning of their stipulations, I saw an answer to all our troubles. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping you free from this burden. But you must know, it has weighed on me every day.”
Because she knew that if Edwina knew the extent of their troubles, she would marry for financial security rather than love… How many times had she solved a problem before Edwina even knew it was there? How many sacrifices had she made? How much had she given up?
Her old plan was clear (the one that Edwina would no longer allow). She would go back to India to teach as a governess. So it wasn’t the answer to all ‘our troubles.’ She was only worried about Edwina and Mama.
“I am not mad that you wrote to the Sheffields,” Edwina clarified, unable to call them her grandparents. She stood up and walked towards Kate, needing to look her straight in the eye so there could be no more misunderstandings between them. “I am not a little girl anymore, Kate. I am a grown woman now, ready to be a wife.”
Kate’s voice was still unbelievably shaky as she all but whispered, “Yes. Yes, I know.”
“I deserve to know the full extent of the situation. Your plans affect my future, my prospects,” Edwina said, begging her to really listen to her. But then she could only sigh. Folding her hands, she pressed into her belly, trying to keep herself together. “I also need to thank you. This day and every day for the rest of my life. I am ashamed to admit that I did not even think to be worried about my dowry, even knowing that our funds were diminished after our journey to London. I did not– I had simply assumed that the matter was settled because I have always trusted you to take care of me. I know I have no right to be angry at you after relying on you for so long, but please, Kate. I am no longer a child. I have every right, every responsibility to help our family, the same as you.”
Unsurprisingly, Kate’s head shook in rejection. “But– but Edwina, this should not be your burden.”
“What burden would it be to help support the people I love?” Edwina asked. She reached forward to grab Kate’s hand. “I love you, Didi, and I love Mama. I want to help. Please, allow me to share the burden.”
Kate took a long, shaky breath. It was obvious that she was fighting her every instinct to say no. But then, thankfully, she nodded. “I will try, Bon.”
The next part was the hard part. While no part of this conversation was easy, she wasn’t sure she could trust herself to remain level-headed. She knew her sister. She could not just come out and demand she chase after the man she loved. She had to ease her into it, or she would only be met with Kate’s famous stubbornness. “It has been a rather strenuous season, but it is not over yet. I will spend the rest of my time getting to know the men of the ton. I am confident that I will find a suitable husband. And if I do not, then we will figure it out. Together.”
“You– you are giving up on the viscount?” Kate asked.
With a deep sigh, Edwina moved over to sit on her bed. She patted the spot next to her and waited until her sister sat down to speak, “I meant it when I told you that I was not angry you wrote to the Scheffields, only that you hid it from me. What did you truly do past ensure I had a dowry?” Something that Lord Bridgerton expected in payment for her hand? “If something like this would shake him enough to give him such doubts, then I now have doubts of my own.”
Instead of excitement, Kate only shook her head again. “I– I do not understand. You were so intent on– on becoming his wife.”
“No, I was intent on becoming his viscountess.” The confession was not an easy one. While she had prided herself on the fact that she was not as shallow as so many in Mayfair, she had to admit to herself that she had been swept away by his charming life. Nothing more. “I adored his family, his estate. Not the man. All I can think now is that I do not even know him, nor do I know myself.”
“Bon–”
“Kate, I am done playing a part,” Edwina said. Not even knowing how desperate she was to break free of being the perfect lady until she said it aloud. “I want to know myself, truly, and to know who you are, too. Because I am unsure I like the young ladies we’ve both been playing.”
Even as she chuckled and nodded, Kate was clearly confused by this shift. “We can arrange a tea with Lady Danbury and Lady Bridgerton to make a plan. I am confident in their ability to end the betrothal without scandal. It it is just... Edwina, are you– are you sure? I only want the best for you.”
The question made Edwina smile. She not only listened to her wants, but she made sure it was her choice. “I am. I know what I want in a husband. I think it’s time I look at the men and not just their circumstances.” Thinking to her sister’s old plan, she asked, “What is your plan, Kate? Will you still make for India?”
Her sister immediately swallowed. “Yes, the moment you are married. I shall miss both you and Mama. It is only– I cannot– I simply cannot see my future in London.”
Except that was a lie. Edwina would forgive her for the deceptions. It wasn’t that Kate couldn’t see it, but that she believed she couldn’t have it.
“Are you sure? I only want the best for you,” Edwina said, echoing her sister’s own words back at her. “You spent so much of your time shining your light on me. You did not even look for a husband for your own, but you– you still found one.”
Kate’s head snapped up to her. “What– what do you– Bon?”
“It is my fault. I only– both of us only cared about my happiness. For so long. Not just this season, either. Ever since Appa died,” Edwina said. She looked down to her lap, ashamed of her selfishness. “I’ve spent much of my night thinking back on my courtship with the viscount. Wondering if I’m the only one who missed it. That the viscount had proposed to the wrong sister.” She didn’t even have the courage to look up when she heard her sister gasp. Felt her tense up. “I was so blind. I must admit that I’m surprised Lady Whistledown didn’t report on it. Looking back, it was so obvious.”
When her sister didn’t respond immediately, Edwina knew she had to be patient. Only when the silence stretched did she up to see her sister beginning to hyperventilate. She reached forward to grab her hand, hoping to calm her. “I am not angry at you, Didi. At least, not in the way you might think. I only wished that you trusted me enough to speak the truth of your feelings. I wish with all my heart that you knew how much you deserve to chase your own happiness.”
“But– but, Edwina, I could never– you loved him,” Kate said. Her hand was sweaty as it clutched her desperately. “I could never do that to you. You loved him, and the– the scandal. It would ruin your prospects.”
“No, I didn't. And no, it won’t. It’s as you said. We can arrange a tea with Lady Danbury and Lady Bridgerton to make a plan,” Edwina said. She wondered if she was still as naïve as she was earlier that night, that she truly believed that. “Those two women are frighteningly skilled at navigating unknown waters. Don’t you remember the old Whistledown papers we read? Remember what happened with the duke and duchess? And now everyone fawns over them like it never happened. I think we would only need to wait for the next scandal. That is no reason to run from true love.”
Kate’s mouth dropped in surprise. “Edwina, no. I– he doesn’t love me. There might’ve been... something between us, but it was passion. Nothing more. It will pass.”
Edwina caught what she wasn’t saying. Willful blindness aside, she knew her sister better than she knew herself. “Whatever action you now take, I only hope it is because you are being truthful to yourself, and not because of anyone else.”
“Edwina, please do not– you must know that I did not mean to lie to you. I was– I was lying to myself. I truly did not know until it was too late.”
Her sister had spent so long taking care of Edwina, it was likely she didn’t even know how to take care of herself. She had always made sure that it was Edwina who got the best room, the best dresses, the best everything.
Well, no longer. Edwina would stop shirking her duties as sister.
“I know, Didi. Just like I know you didn’t tell me because you would so willingly sacrifice a lifetime of happiness for me,” Edwina said. She bit back a frown when Kate shook her head again. No longer would she take her sister for granted. “You did. Do not pretend otherwise. And do not worry. The viscount has not broken my heart, only hurt my pride.”
That very fact was proof that this decision saved all parties involved. It wasn’t just that Kate deserved to be happy. It was that Edwina did, too. She would take care of herself so that Kate knew that she could afford to spend attentions on her own happiness. That still sounded admittedly selfish, but she would take care of them both.
Quite simply, Edwina deserved somebody who loved her. A true love match. There were certain qualities she knew she wanted. Even-tempered. Kind. Generous. Intelligent. Loving. And while she was still not sure she knew what love was, she hoped that she would know it when she felt it.
“You thought you could deny your feelings, but you can’t. They’re too strong. So, I will ask you again: What is your plan, Kate? Will you still make for India?”
Kate took a long, deep breath. She closed her eyes for several moments, but when they opened there sat the sister she knew. Determined and strong. Though she might fall, she never stayed down for long. “I will beg for your forgiveness.”
Edwina smiled encouragingly as she gave her hand a squeeze. “And you have it.”
“I will yell at Lord Bridgerton for playing with your feelings,” Kate said. She let out a shuddering breath, her shoulders dropping. And the smile she gave her was only dimmed slightly by her fear. “And then I will tell him that I love him. That I’m in love with him.”
The words didn’t hurt to hear, which only affirmed yet again that this was the right decision. Edwina smiled as she leaned forward to hug her sister. “I am proud of you, Didi. Be brave. Be bold. If he does not accept you, he is a fool.”
Hugging her even closer, Kate said, “Thank you, Bon.”
“No, thank you. You, Kathani Sharma, are the best sister I could ever ask for. I love you so much, and I will do everything I can to ensure your happiness.”